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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be annoyed at yet again my MIL treating DS like a second class citizen ? (stepfamily issue)

58 replies

MistyMountainHop · 01/05/2012 10:17

I have been with DH since DS was about 18 months old. He has just turned 6 and we have a DD of our own who is nearly 3.

MIL treats them completely differently. I understand that she can't possibly love DS like her own bio grandchild, but she is really blatant about it IMO. Also, he has been part of the family since he was a baby so you would think there would be some kind of bond there. Apparently not.

Every birthday and Christmas DD is showered with gifts, usually at least £100 quids worth. Don't get me wrong, its lovely that she loves DD so much and gets her nice things, and, to be fair, she does always buy for DS at these times too.... but its always something cheap and thoughtless. In fact, last Christmas she told DH to buy DS something from her and wrap it up etc for about £10 and she would "refund him" Hmm she couldn't even be arsed to think of something for him. Also, she regularly asks to babysit for DD and DD has her own room at MIL's. but she would never entertain babysitting DS as well.

When we visit, or she comes here, she practically ignores DS and he can sense it i think because he usually acts up and its like he is trying to draw attention to himself :(

Anyway, she really surpassed herself this time. It was DS's birthday at the weekend and DS received (through the post) from MIL, a cheap card with £5 in it. I was so pissed off but didn;t want to say anything to DH as he thinks the sun shines out of her arse and he gets really pissed off if I dare say anything about her.

(Ironically, DS's grandma (my exMIL) adores both DC, even though I have been split with DS dad since he was a few months old, and says she classes them as her grandchildren. She has become a good friend and she even invites just me and DD round for lunch etc when DS is at school. My DD even calls her Nanna. )

OP posts:
CallMeAl · 01/05/2012 10:42

Stop letting her get away with it. If you allow her to do this, and so blatantly, you're colluding in it. Stand up for your son.

Robotcornysilk · 01/05/2012 10:44

hasn't dh noticed as well? how awful.

SoupDragon · 01/05/2012 10:44

Your DH needs to sort this out with his mother.

MarieFromStMoritz · 01/05/2012 10:46

Poor boy. What a bitch. You do need to sort this out. I would have it out with her.

DogEared · 01/05/2012 10:47

It's your duty to tell your DH and sort it out. Your poor DS :(

squidworth · 01/05/2012 10:50

For me when your partner became part of yours and DS life he has the responsibility of how DS is treated by his extending family especially with DS being so young. You need to tackle DP.

justmatureenough2bdad · 01/05/2012 11:02

yanbu - that is completely unreasonable and needs to be dealt with sharpish, irrespective of hurt feelings on her side...my auntdid something similarly stupid when her son who is paralysed from the waist down and his wife had twins through IVF...she didn't understand (because she didn't ask) and thought that they weren't "of her blood" and referred to them as "boy-twin" and "girl-twin"....until she realised that she was never going to have a relationship with them and her son (and his siblings) until she sorted herself out!

realistically though, i think (from experience) that the sharp words really need to come from your DH as if you say anything, she will probably just turn on you as well!

good luck

minouminou · 01/05/2012 11:05

Wow, Just.....people really can be dense, eh?
To OP.....a practical thing to suggest, if MIL spends £100 on dd and a bloody tenner on DS, say it's £50 each for both children from now on.

The initial discussion has to come from DH, though.

Original poster
MistyMountainHop · 01/05/2012 11:05

also, i want to make it clear that my annoyance is in no way to do with the material things that MIL gives them. i don't expect her to spend loads on either of them, i would far rather her spend a token small amount equally on both of them than this massive discrepancy :(

it will become more and more noticeable as the DC get older as well.

thanks for the comments so far maybe i will show dh this thread

or maybe i darent :(

OP posts:
minouminou · 01/05/2012 11:08

It didn't come across like that, OP!
I suggested the £50 each thing because she still gets to flash her cash, but more fairly.

squoosh · 01/05/2012 11:10

YANBU.

Too bloody bad if your dh doesn't like to hear criticism about his Mummy Dearest he needs to face up to it. And also you need to confront her, calmly and politely, telling her you really don?t appreciate the way she sidelines your son.

I?d be majorly pissed off if I was you. Tell her straight, ds and dd are siblings and you can?t condone such blatant favouritism for one and such complete disregard for another. As a modern family with half siblings and step grandparents it?s up to you to be really firm on this matter. You can?t make her love ds as much but you can insist she treats him with equal respect. Don?t underestimate the power you hold, you are the mother. I would ever so subtly let her know that she is only a grandparent and she needs to tow the family line, no matter how harsh that sounds.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 01/05/2012 11:12

I think you do need to show dh this thread, because whether he wants to admit it or not, his Mother is being a bitch.

How dare she treat one sibling differently to the other!? Doesn't she think that her precious dd might love and adore her brother and want him to be treated the same?

I wouldn't allow my children to be treated differently like that, and if the only way to stop it from happening would be to stop this woman seeing either of the dc, then so be it. However, I would suggest that your dh sticks up for his son and tells his Mother that she either treats them the same or she treats them not at all.

NenNen · 01/05/2012 11:13

YANBU!!! She sounds cruel. If my MIL ever behaved like that to my DS1 she wouldn't see any of them!!!

eeden · 01/05/2012 11:13

That's really sad. MIL needs to understand that these two children are growing up together and they are brother and sister. Regardless of her biological relationship with one of them, the fact remains they are a pair. They live together and presumably everything else is the same for them.

CrumpettyTree · 01/05/2012 11:14

Your dh needs to tackle his mother about this. He needs to stand up for his son. Has he not thought to say anything before?

PessimisticMissPiggy · 01/05/2012 11:17

My brother's ex had a toddler daughter when they met and as soon it became clear that they were serious my parents accepted the DSD (my DN) as their DG. Later they had a DC together and since then both have been treated the same.

Your MIL needs talking to.

thebody · 01/05/2012 11:19

You know what I would just let it slide, what's the point?

You have a wonderful relationship with ex mil who seems to offer your Dcs love and affection.

Presumably your dh treats the children equally?

If u point out her behaviour to dh or tell your mil what a cow she is how will this help? It won't make her love your ds more but it will cause rows.

Your ds is loved enough, he will be fine, see lots of your ex mil and incidentally tell your mil how lovely she is and withdraw a little from her.

Don't ask her to babysit, ask ex mil instead then she might realise you are pissed off with her.

splashingaround · 01/05/2012 11:22

It's so cruel, divisive and horrid. As parents you have to protect both siblings from favoritism. Don't think it does either any good in the long term.

Dh should have reached the stage where he can see imperfections in his mother and articulate them. If he hasn't then he needs to grow up and put his children first.

AmberLeaf · 01/05/2012 11:24

I would certainly not let it slide!

Dont for one minute think that little boy wont ever notice the different treatment [if he hasnt already] that sort of thing causes irreparable damage to family relationships.

It could cause issues between your DD and DS in the future too through no fault of their own.

MIL sounds hideous, DH sounds like he didnt fall far from the tree.

OP you need to put a stop to it, say something or insist DH does.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 01/05/2012 11:30

I wouldn't let it slide either, no way!

Your son will notice he is treated differently to his sister. He will notice that the two people who are supposed to love him the most in the world are allowing this injustice to happen to him. He will notice that not only is this being allowed to happen, but it is being promoted by his parents who actively choose to spend time around someone who could do this.

It will affect his sense of self worth and self esteem if his own family don't treat him as worthy of tokens of love and affection as his sister. Presents are just material goods, but they represent love. Your MIL may as well tell him straight that she doesn't love him but she does love his sister.

ImaginateMum · 01/05/2012 11:30

Awwww, I am so sorry to hear this. I remember clearly when my grandmother became a step-great-grandmother and how she was going round on the wedding day saying "how proud she was to have her first great-grandson". It was lovely. In our wider family, there are bio, step, adopted, and foster children, grand-children, and great-grand children. She set a clear matriachal example to all of us that we were all to be loved equally. I still admire her for this as she was a rather uneducated and conservative woman in many ways. But she knew how to love and she knew what family meant! I am sorry that your DS is not getting that in his life.

albertswearengen · 01/05/2012 11:31

Your son will notice if he hasn't already. Your dh needs to say something or does that indicate he doesn't see your ds as important as his dd?

LtEveDallas · 01/05/2012 11:31

A decent Grandmother would treat the DC the same.

When I married DH I became SM to a 10 year old. My mum has always referred to DSD as "her grandchild" and treats DSD (now 16) and DD (now 7) the same.

My parents have even changed their wills to include DSD. This is despite the fact that they didn't even meet her until she was 8. The fact that your DS was only 18 months old when you and DH got together makes it even worse in my eyes - and you know that this will become a huge issue when the Dc are older.

I really do think your DH needs to read this thread - and see that his mothers actions are unreasonable and damaging to his family.

porcamiseria · 01/05/2012 11:31

God this is a tough one

You CANNOT make her love your DS

what you CAN do is minimise the pain

which means minimise the time he has with her

be upfront "its really fucking painful for DS to see that Granny loves DD more than him. As I dont want him to sense this, we are doing X Y Z instead"

you dont want to argue with your DH on this I am sure, but you must minimise however possible the upset afforded to your son

Misty.....I know its hard but you must prioritise your son here. If DH cant see there is an issue, thats an issue in itself!

ChaoticismyLife · 01/05/2012 11:41

If your H continues to allow this to happen then he's just as bad as his cow of a mother, fuckwitted, pathetic, inadequate, twat of a mummy's boy that he is.

OP show him this thread because he needs to see what damage he will be doing to your DS by allowing this to happen.

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