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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be annoyed at yet again my MIL treating DS like a second class citizen ? (stepfamily issue)

58 replies

MistyMountainHop · 01/05/2012 10:17

I have been with DH since DS was about 18 months old. He has just turned 6 and we have a DD of our own who is nearly 3.

MIL treats them completely differently. I understand that she can't possibly love DS like her own bio grandchild, but she is really blatant about it IMO. Also, he has been part of the family since he was a baby so you would think there would be some kind of bond there. Apparently not.

Every birthday and Christmas DD is showered with gifts, usually at least £100 quids worth. Don't get me wrong, its lovely that she loves DD so much and gets her nice things, and, to be fair, she does always buy for DS at these times too.... but its always something cheap and thoughtless. In fact, last Christmas she told DH to buy DS something from her and wrap it up etc for about £10 and she would "refund him" she couldn't even be arsed to think of something for him. Also, she regularly asks to babysit for DD and DD has her own room at MIL's. but she would never entertain babysitting DS as well.

When we visit, or she comes here, she practically ignores DS and he can sense it i think because he usually acts up and its like he is trying to draw attention to himself :(

Anyway, she really surpassed herself this time. It was DS's birthday at the weekend and DS received (through the post) from MIL, a cheap card with £5 in it. I was so pissed off but didn;t want to say anything to DH as he thinks the sun shines out of her arse and he gets really pissed off if I dare say anything about her.

(Ironically, DS's grandma (my exMIL) adores both DC, even though I have been split with DS dad since he was a few months old, and says she classes them as her grandchildren. She has become a good friend and she even invites just me and DD round for lunch etc when DS is at school. My DD even calls her Nanna. )

OP posts:

rosycheeksmum · 01/05/2012 11:43

What a fucking old cow. There is no excuse for this. My PILS do the same with my kids (2 of them are their biograndkids, older 2 aren't). Two of them have almost the same birthday and one gets a massive card with poems (yeah I know) in it and lovely messages and the other a tiny card from spar. My two eldest have been asked to get out of photos before so they can take photos of other two, and PILS are completely blatant about younger 2 having 'proper grandkid' status. DH has spoken to them but it doesn't help much.

The upshot? We only go to see them half as much as we would if they were decent and treated them all the same.

CurrySpice · 01/05/2012 11:50

My exMiL forbade us from sending a birtday card and present to our nephew when BiL split up with his partner (the nephew was the partner's son from a previous relationship) I was appalled and said so. My exH told me it would be "disloyal" to send one and I gave in for an easy life

I feel ashamed of that now and have since spoken to my nephew's mom and rectified the situation.

It absolutely stink snad I think your MiL's (and my exMiL's) behaviour is atrocious

eurochick · 01/05/2012 11:51

I think it's really poor behaviour from your MiL. We are aunt and uncle to BIL's biological daughter and his stepson (from SIL previous relationship). We would never dream of treating them differently. They are both part of BIL's family.

It really should be for your husband to tackle it and tbh it should have been nipped in the bud years ago. It'll be harder now the behaviour is established.

LeggyBlondeNE · 01/05/2012 11:52

To give an alternate perspective, having a half brother myself, he usually got a 'proper' present from his paternal grandparents while we elder kids got a small token or nothing. But then we got presents from our paternal grandparents.

Obviously you ex MIL is buying for both kids so she's more involved with the younger child than my grandparents were, but if there's a way to balance it through that, then it won't be upsetting for him in the long run.

You might set a limit for DD's presents from her? Such like 'DS's grandmother buys thes for the kids, so we'd like to keep them both equal, can you limit yourself to X'?

MysteriousHamster · 01/05/2012 11:52

That's really bad, your poor DS has grown up with them since a baby. To him they are simply his grandparents, and he won't understand why they're behaving like that. It's horrible :(

LeggyBlondeNE · 01/05/2012 11:55

Actually to add - ignoring him etc when she comes over is NOT on. Having had my (other) grandmother play favourites at times, it will spoil her relationship with both of them in the long run and that behaviour really does need sorting out.

Loonybun · 01/05/2012 12:02

That's awful.

I have a dd aged 8 from a previous relationship and am expecting ds with my dh in 6 weeks.

When we got married his mum and dad rushed over to me and dd and said how excited they were to have "another grandchild" (dd) and told us both "welcome to the family". They include dd at every oppertunity with all their other grandchildren and have already been asking dh what they should buy her as a present when they come to visit ds after he is born.

I would be livid if my MIL treated my children differently, or if my dh didn't tackle her on it. Its really unfair to the children and they will notice it as they get older.

CremeEggThief · 01/05/2012 12:06

Your poor DS :(.

It should be your DH who tells her that her behaviour is unreasonable, but if he can't or won't, I think you will have to say something, as the favourtism is becoming more blatant. Your MIL needs to make a far better effort.

Bellstar · 01/05/2012 12:22

What do you mean that our dh will hear no criticism of his mother?-what will he do if you tell him up front that she is being a complet bitch?

Tbh I think you have encouraged her behaviour by letting her have 1 dc overnight and not the other-no way would I have let that one slide!!

You need to man up...

crazygracieuk · 01/05/2012 12:33

I can't believe that people do this.
I mean it's so much easier to buy 2 kids a present for £20 each than to buy 1 kid a £5 present and value card and the other a £35 gift and premium card. It takes a lot of effort to discriminate like that and I can't believe that these grandparents don't feel sorry seeing one child with a big easter egg and the other a small one. Would they really feel ok if their "favourite" was treated like that by the biological grandparents of the other child? Really?!

I would be telling my h that it's not on and if he won't tell his mother the I would. If she insisted on continuing to spoil one but not the other then I would have to start doing things like return "surplus" gifts. If she doesn't want to spend money or time with your older child then fine but she needs to equal things up as it's sooo unfair on your son. :(

thebody · 01/05/2012 12:34

When I said let it slide I ALSO said withdraw from her, don't let her babysit for your dd!!

The best way to tackle this isn't to create a huge family
Row,

The op needs practical help and as good ad it would be to tell this stupid cow she is vile how will this 'make' her love your
Ds any more.

You can't change people like this so you have to manage them!!!

thebody · 01/05/2012 12:35

I also said Bellatar that the op shouldn't allow the babysitting of one child that's defiantly ridiculous.

QuintessentialShadows · 01/05/2012 12:42

I would not make a big point, other than telling your mil how much both children love nanna, who is treating them both equally. That dd is lucky to have three grandparents who adore her, and that she adores back.

I would just minimize the contact both children spend with mil, and make up for it by spending more time with your ex's mum, because she is a lovely woman who treats both children the same.

You are doing this to protect your sons feelings, and your dd is fine either way, as nanna loves her the same as she loves her own grandchild.

I would also tell your dp your plan, so he can think about what the consequences will be for this in the future.

TandB · 01/05/2012 12:44

I agree with previous posters - she shouldn't be allowed to pick and choose. If she wants to see one then she has to be fair to the other.

DP's grandparents have over 20 grandchildren and great-grandchildren. At a recent big family do, photos were being taken of the grandparents with each generation. The great-grandchildren one was being set up and DP's gran looked around and said "Hang on, where's X?" - X being the son of one of the partner of one of the grandsons. His mums said that she thought it was just a photo for the actual great-grandchildren and DP's gran looked blank and said "But he IS an actual great-grandchild" and insisted on him being rounded up for the photo.

Beamur · 01/05/2012 12:45

It's a shame that she feels like this - very hard to explain it to a 6 yr old child too.
However - I might add a note of dissent to the general tone, he is not the same relation to her that your daughter is. My Mum is in the same situation as your MIL - she is my DD's Granny but is not actually related to my stepchildren. She always buys them Christmas and Birthday cards and presents, but they are more 'token' than what she gets for my DD. There is a much bigger age gap though - my steps are 12 & 13 yrs older than my DD, so the issue of attention and expectation is not the same. She is kind and thoughtful and interested in the kids and the difference in gifts is not an issue. My Dad (divroced parents) lives a long way away and has very little contact really with me and DD, has never bought presents at all for my steps, and given the lack of overall contact, this has never even been commented on - I don't think I'd really noticed it before posting on this thread.
I don't envy you trying to balance this - I don't see that you can insist that she gets more for your DS, but perhaps you could limit what she gets for your DD - by maybe asking for a token gift and money to save instead perhaps. This would make the difference less obvious to the children.
Your DH needs to point out that your son is going to be hurt by blatant favouritism to your DD though, but if gentle tactics don't work, I'd agree with the posters who have suggested that you just have to limit the access she has to your family if it is hurting you.

PomBearWithAnOFRS · 01/05/2012 12:49

My MiL and both SiLs completely ignore the fact that I had 2 DSs when DH and I got together. The boys get, and have always got, a selection box at christmas while "our" 3 DCs get showered with great piles of crap gifts. "My" boys were/aren't invited to any family get togethers, they don't get birthday cards, and are not acknowledged on any way. I am sometimes tempted to ask the various members of DHs family if they even know their names, and have a feeling am about 90% sure they wouldn't know, or would have to think about it, and wouldn't know which was which if we told them their names. They wouldn't recognise them if they passed in the street.
The boys are 21 and almost 18 now so it hardly matters anymore, but it has caused me a lot of anguish over the years

QuintessentialShadows · 01/05/2012 12:56

This woman is making a point. She does not like nor love ops son. Op telling her to treat them fair, wont make her love the boy any more.

I think starting to limit contact is better. Especially if she knows why.

Dhs aunt would favour our oldest. When she brought presents for ds1, I would have something for ds2, and I would make a point of giving HIM my gift when she was giving ds1 his, and just mumble to her "Just so he wont feel so bad that you are treating them differently, I dont want any tears after your visit"

It did not take long for her to clock on...

DialsMavis · 01/05/2012 12:56

DS is PILs step grandchild and there is absolutely no way they would treat DS like this. Your DH needs to say something to MIL. My lovely PIL have made even more of a fuss of DS since we had DD as they were so wary of DS feeling different.Maybe they feel differently about DS and DD, I have no idea, but they would NEVER, EVER show it. Stick up for poor DS. Has your Dh noticed? what does he say? I would say no babysitting either as it's unfair to just have one, but I would have no trust in the woman treating DS nicely if she was made to have both under sufferance. What a cow!

girlywhirly · 01/05/2012 13:07

I agree, stop DD staying over, vet all gifts and any that are way more expensive for her return to MIL. They should have gifts of equal value, and get the same amount of attention. I would start to limit how much time she spends with the DC if she can't treat them fairly, and the time she does have should be with both DC together, no taking DD out for treats or on outings unless DS goes too. (TBH I wouldn't even allow that unless you were there too.

TBH, this should have been sorted from the birth of DD, so to some extent you are as much to blame as DH allowing it to continue this long.

5Foot5 · 01/05/2012 13:07

When my BIL married he became a step-father to a 12yo DS - who is now 18.
PILs are very conservative in many ways (big and small c!) but they have always treated this DSS as one of their own GC and make him alike for birthdays etc. In fact, as he is older than most of the other GC, they have often arranged special days out when it is just him and them so they can do something age-appropriate with him. They have established a very strong bond and he always refers to them as "Grandma and Grandad"

cornishsue · 01/05/2012 13:31

As others have said now is the time your DS will start noticing. If nothing is said/done then it will seem that you are condoning this - and that can have a bad effect on both of the children. I'm sure you know by now that children notice everything, even if they do not comment on it. Brother and sister, relatively close in age, just must be treated fairly.

Your DH should and must support his DSS rather than his mother. I really think you must insist her talks to his mother about this and not allow it to continue any longer. If it does then I would restrict your MIL's access to her granddaughter until she can be fairer.

What a lovely exMIL you have!!

CrumpettyTree · 01/05/2012 13:42

I wouldn't allow someone to buy one of my children £100 worth of presents and one £10 worth of presents. I would rather they bought nothing, or just spent £10 on each child.

TheFeministsWife · 01/05/2012 13:45

My mum has always treated DSD like she treats my dds. And DSD's nan (maternal grandma) always buys little Christmas and birthday presents for my dds. I think it's fucking awful she treats him so badly, especially because he's so young.

thebody · 01/05/2012 13:51

Exactly, u have upper hand here, withdraw a bit so she's not in Both children's lives too much.

Pombear, did u go to family dos without your boys then?

When my lovely mil was young her own mil didn't make a fuss of her or her 5 chikdren( my dh youngest) he still referred to his now dead nanna as an old trout!!

She will reap and sow....

RabidAnchovy · 01/05/2012 13:57

DPs mother is lovely to my sons, she sends them birthday and Christmas gifts, even went and brought bunk beds so they could stay, although DP and I have no children together.

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