to be annoyed at yet again my MIL treating DS like a second class citizen ? (stepfamily issue)

[MistyMountainHop]

I have been with DH since DS was about 18 months old. He has just turned 6 and we have a DD of our own who is nearly 3.

MIL treats them completely differently. I understand that she can't possibly love DS like her own bio grandchild, but she is really blatant about it IMO. Also, he has been part of the family since he was a baby so you would think there would be some kind of bond there. Apparently not.

Every birthday and Christmas DD is showered with gifts, usually at least £100 quids worth. Don't get me wrong, its lovely that she loves DD so much and gets her nice things, and, to be fair, she does always buy for DS at these times too.... but its always something cheap and thoughtless. In fact, last Christmas she told DH to buy DS something from her and wrap it up etc for about £10 and she would "refund him" she couldn't even be arsed to think of something for him. Also, she regularly asks to babysit for DD and DD has her own room at MIL's. but she would never entertain babysitting DS as well.

When we visit, or she comes here, she practically ignores DS and he can sense it i think because he usually acts up and its like he is trying to draw attention to himself :(

Anyway, she really surpassed herself this time. It was DS's birthday at the weekend and DS received (through the post) from MIL, a cheap card with £5 in it. I was so pissed off but didn;t want to say anything to DH as he thinks the sun shines out of her arse and he gets really pissed off if I dare say anything about her.

(Ironically, DS's grandma (my exMIL) adores both DC, even though I have been split with DS dad since he was a few months old, and says she classes them as her grandchildren. She has become a good friend and she even invites just me and DD round for lunch etc when DS is at school. My DD even calls her Nanna. )

As with most mil problems, its dh who needs to grow a pair and tell his mother that its totally unacceptable to treat siblings differently. Your issue is with dh, not mil, thats his issue to deal with.

Follow me slowly...
When I married my first DH his brother was with a girl who already had a son, (nephew number one) they went on to have two children together, MIL was nice to the little boy, FIL not so much and first DHs evil sister was a bitch and a half, (first DH also has a half sister that was not his dads) who was not very nice (although not very nice was their base line)

When first DHs brother and his wife had a son together Evil SIL sent a card that said "a nephew at last" despite the first little boy having been in the family 2 years

Now first DHs family have a good amount of kids between them, his brother 3, evil sister 3 and half sister 2 (different dads) his brother and his wife are now divorced and she has 2 more children (by two more men) so it is step granparents/ aunts/ uncles galore

And do you want to know the one I keep in touch with and love and always have loved the most, Nephew number one, who now has his own child and another on the way, and still calls me Auntie, (as well as my sister and My mum) .

Family comes in all shapes and sizes

I'd be tempted but probably wimp out to say something along the lines of "We've noticed that you are spending far more on dd than ds. This obviously isn't fair as we both regard them both as our childre, so you've left us with two options:

1. Take half of dd's presents away and either give them to ds or sell and use the money on ds.
2. Tell ds's grandma not to spend the same on both children so dd will get less from her."

If you put it so dd will miss out rather than anything else she might listen.

I'd spend less time if she's blatently favouring one-and tell her why too.

YANBU, and have my sympathy.

I have a parallel issue. My MIL has two grandchildren from my husband's sister. My MIL is catholic told me and DH that our DD was not a 'real' grandchild as she was conceived through IVF which she says "the church has banned", so she couldnt accept her.

So DD is ignored and the PIL have only seen her three times in 26 months and dont want to cuddle her etc. Its not so bad as she cannot see that her cousins get different treatment (although we know they do), but it really really upsets DH. Trying not to make it a breach thing, but it is hard.

You will know whether talking to your MIL would make a difference.

Tell her you understand that she doesn't feel the same about your two children but that this is her problem, not theirs, and that the way that she is treating your poor little boy is disgusting.

Tell her that she has a choice, now: either get over her preference for your daughter and start treating both your children equally, or prepare to start seeing a lot less of both of them.

And get your DH on side for this: why the hell isn't he standing up for your son? I don't care how much he loves his mother; she is an adult and can cope, but there is a little boy who is going to be seriously hurt by this. Why isn't your DH protecting him?

Lambzig Tue 01-May-12 14:28:43
YANBU, and have my sympathy.

I have a parallel issue. My MIL has two grandchildren from my husband's sister. My MIL is catholic told me and DH that our DD was not a 'real' grandchild as she was conceived through IVF which she says "the church has banned", so she couldnt accept her. just

You MIL is a raving loon

I have similar with DD who was 8 when I got together with now DH. DSS is showered with gifts from doting grandparents and aunt. DD, for most of the time, gets nothing.

But, DD has incredible relationship with my mother (bio granny) who treats her, lavishes her with attention and is a completely doting grandmother. My mother will buy DSS token Christmas and birthday gifts, but does not consider him her grandson, as I don't consider him to be my son either.

I must add, though, that our family set up, since getting married, is all pretty dysfunctional - I loathe SIL, DH isn't particularly enarmoured of my family and the issues of our 'blended' family are such that it will be a miracle if we stay together.

So not sure that my message is of much help, but given that your son does have a wonderful, loving grandmother (your mother), this at least should be some kind of compensation. I have no real advice though - other than to avoid becoming a blended family in the first place .

thank you for all the replies. i have kept this to myself for so long and was worried it was me in the wrong.

need to have a think how to best deal with this.