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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I know she's being unreasonable but I kind of see her point ... what would you do?

67 replies

hathorkicksass · 30/04/2012 16:36

DD1 (age 13) has a face like a cross between a slapped arse and a wet month of Sundays.

She does athletics. She's always in the school squad.

Except not this time.

Because we were at a funeral on the day of the try-outs (Thursday) and there's no exceptions the team is picked.

But it's not her fault she wasn't sick, or dodging practice, it was a genuine family funeral.

She's saying she's fine, but she's not really.

WWYD?

So far I've tried to be sympathetic but I'm losing patience, and at the end of the day I do think the school are being a bit harsh. But I've not told her that lol.

OP posts:
Debsbear · 30/04/2012 16:40

I'd tell her that it's not fair, but life's not fair so you need to get on with it and there will be a next time. Young lad on our local rugby team has just missed out on England trials as he fractured his ankle playing on Sunday. They know he's good enough, but that's life

Original poster
hathorkicksass · 30/04/2012 16:41

I've been saying "that's life there's always next year"

But I'm fed up looking at her grumpy face.

OP posts:
G1nger · 30/04/2012 16:42

Point out it could be worse - after all, someone has died...

thisisyesterday · 30/04/2012 16:43

i woul;dn't do anything

good life skill to learn that sometimes crap stuff happens and it's ok to be sad, but ultimately you just need to look forward

so big hug, tell her you know how unfair it seems, but there is always next time. then ask her what she'd like for tea and would her friend like to come over at the weekend.

focus on something else

Original poster
hathorkicksass · 30/04/2012 16:43

I am actually struggling to keep my temper.

I'm grieving, really upset and she's making me feel guilty over a fucking running race.

But that's not really fair on her either.

OP posts:
Mrsjay · 30/04/2012 16:45

I think you need to leave her to sulk tbh she is 13 and unreasonable anyway , I am sorry for your loss , I
do think teens live in the moment and cant cope with dissapointment very well she wil get over it , just be kind to yourself , Smile

Original poster
hathorkicksass · 30/04/2012 16:47

I am getting very close to sending her to sulk in her bedroom.

OP posts:
ll31 · 30/04/2012 16:48

While I'd sympathise tbh I think it's fair - once you start accepting that some people are unavoidably absent and so should have chance then you have to accept everyones excuses

Mrsjay · 30/04/2012 16:50

I really think its ok to be dissapointed though she wont think its fair but sometimes circumstances dictate what happens , Just say what you said to her and leave her , you cant make the school give her a place ,

DaisySteiner · 30/04/2012 16:50

Isn't she entitled to be grumpy? It's not on to actually blame you, but she can't help feeling miserable any more than you can, it's just you've got different reasons for it. In teenagerdom missing out on athletics is probably on a par with a death!

thisisyesterday · 30/04/2012 16:50

is she DOING anything, or just looking miserable?

if the latter then just ignore it.
she's entitled to feel sad.

you don't have to do anything... just go and have a nice cup of tea in the kitchen

tantrumsandballoons · 30/04/2012 16:50

She's probably a bit emotional as well, after the funeral so that may be making her a bit upset.
Sounds like you both need a hug from each other.....although as I have a 14 year old daughter who has a permanent sulk and would probably rather stick pins in her eyes than give me a hug most days, maybe not an option?

Original poster
hathorkicksass · 30/04/2012 16:52

I understand that's the school's policy, but she's not seeing it like that.

But I do think it's a little unfair when she has never missed a practice in the previous 2years and has run for the school with various injuries. And it was a funeral, and unavoidable.

OP posts:
scrablet · 30/04/2012 16:54

Not the same, but DD2 missed out on badges for swimming cos it was my DGM's funeral. She said 'I wish DGM wasn't getting buried on x day.' I said,'I expect DGM wishes she wasn't getting buried at all ..., but at least you have next year for badges' A bit harsh I know, but I was finding it hard to deal with grief and slapped arse face!

Original poster
hathorkicksass · 30/04/2012 16:54

The school made her run with a sprained ankle last year (sprained in one event, she then had to run the sprint).

She's played a hockey match with a broken thumb (smacked on the hand at the start of the match played on, scored, and taken to hospital when she got home)

She's cross because as she sees it the school want something from her and yet they aren't prepared to give at all.

Which I can kind of see.

OP posts:
Original poster
hathorkicksass · 30/04/2012 16:54

Scrablet - that's it exactly!

OP posts:
Floggingmolly · 30/04/2012 16:56

She's not really being unreasonable, is she? She has every reason to feel gutted Sad

Mrsjay · 30/04/2012 16:58

I think you might need to go down scrablet's road and just be harsh with her , of course she is gutted but it couldnt be helped could it . thats when the funeral was

Original poster
hathorkicksass · 30/04/2012 17:00

Flogging - that's how I feel - she's being a bit unreasonable but not really and moaning to me about it isn't helping - I told her to go and talk to the athletics teacher but she just keeps saying "the team's up that's it they won't change"

OP posts:
QuickLookBusy · 30/04/2012 17:07

Something similar happened to my DD when my Dad died.

TBH I was fuming.I know life is unfair sometimes but I do think when someone has died they should make exceptions.

Maybe your DD just needs to see that you are at least are on her side? You say you haven't told her that you think the school are unfair. Well I would tell her but add that there is nothing you can do about it.

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/04/2012 17:13

The school can't do anything because if they made an exception for you there would be a queue of idiots round the block arguing that their injured hamster means their PFB should get a pass. Unfortunately the school has to legislate for idiots.

Have you had a conversation with her about how you feel and how she feels? Hard to create empathy in a teenager who is sad.

Coconutty · 30/04/2012 17:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
hathorkicksass · 30/04/2012 17:15

Oh I get that the school can't make an exception ... but they knew she was going to be off, we had to travel to the funeral. And it was genuine. And a death in the family.

Oh I dunno.

GRRRRRRRR.

OP posts:
roadkillbunny · 30/04/2012 17:34

Maybe she could take the opportunity to look at joining an out of school athletics team, this could be her chance to move upwards with her sport.
Neither of you are being unreasonable, she is entitled to her feeling but she also needs to find a way to move forward from this point and you are entitled not to have to look at a sulky teenager who is sulking around the place but not looking for the positives in the situation.
Talk to her, explain why you feel like you do, let her talk about why she feels the way she does and then work out a plan together.
I am sorry for your loss

HandMadeTail · 30/04/2012 17:45

Don't be harsh. She has a perfect right to feel how she feels. She is learning that life isn't always fair, and it's a hard lesson to learn. Empathise with her - "I can see you're felling really disappointed, and angry, and sad."

It's okay to have those feelings, but, not, of course to take it out on others.

And if the sulkiness gets to you, just switch off. Be unfailingly pleasant, unless she is rude to you, which is, of course, unacceptable.

So, in short, accept her feelings, but not bad behaviour.

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