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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I know she's being unreasonable but I kind of see her point ... what would you do?

67 replies

hathorkicksass · 30/04/2012 16:36

DD1 (age 13) has a face like a cross between a slapped arse and a wet month of Sundays.

She does athletics. She's always in the school squad.

Except not this time.

Because we were at a funeral on the day of the try-outs (Thursday) and there's no exceptions the team is picked.

But it's not her fault she wasn't sick, or dodging practice, it was a genuine family funeral.

She's saying she's fine, but she's not really.

WWYD?

So far I've tried to be sympathetic but I'm losing patience, and at the end of the day I do think the school are being a bit harsh. But I've not told her that lol.

OP posts:

Marymaryalittlecontrary · 30/04/2012 18:22

Actually, I think I would speak to the school about this. Yes, life isn't fair and all that, but school is not an adult world and I think sometimes teachers should be able to be flexible when circumstances have conspired against kids. Particularly if she's always gone above and beyond herself and never missed a practice etc. I would ask to speak to the athletics coach, explain, and ask if she can have a tryout. Say she can go before or after school, and you understand that it is a tryout and not a place on the squad. And I would accept whatever decision the coach said, whether yes to the tryout or no. At least then even if your daughter's still disappointed she will know that you tried to help.

ChishAndFips · 30/04/2012 18:35

Tough for both of you, I think you're both perfectly entitled to feel annoyed and upset. I would suggest she explains to the athletics coach and see if that works, might need a phone call or letter from you as well. And why not see see about her joining an out-of-school athletics club, most towns will have one. She'll be able to improve a lot and wow them all at next year's school tryouts.

SydSaid · 30/04/2012 18:35

If it was my child and there was something important like that in their life, I would have tried to arrange it so that she could have been at the tryouts instead of the funeral - but I do understand that's not always possible, and your daughter may well have chosen the funeral over the tryouts anyway.

I know some will disagree, but I don't think children should be obliged to go to funerals. When my dad died my daughter was that age, and she chose to go (I gave her the option), but I would not have made her - and they were very close.

However, now it's done I don't think that speaking to the school is an option. For your daughter to get a place now would presumably mean that another child that has currently got a place would get kicked off. That would not be fair.

Let her be unhappy. She has every right. But you can't change what has happened, and she will get over it - just give her a bit of time.

SauvignonBlanche · 30/04/2012 18:38

Your poor DD, could you write to the school? It does seem a bit unfair as a previous poster has said, she could be a sub.

AveragelyDisco · 30/04/2012 18:47

Well, if she says she is fine then I'd stop going on about it if i were you.

1950sHousewife · 30/04/2012 18:49

I feel for both of you. I don't think there is an easy one out of this.

Is there any way of doing another sport for the next while that might get her excited again?

fedupofnamechanging · 30/04/2012 19:12

I would challenge this with the school - if she's been as dedicated as you say, then they've screwed her over. Children are entitled to fairness imo - plenty of time to learn the harsh realities of life, later on.

I also think yababitu to be cross - I know you are grieving, but she can't help feeling upset and so long as she isn't blaming you for her situation, then she isn't doing anything wrong.

ragged · 30/04/2012 19:25

I don't understand, what exactly is she going to miss out on? Being on the squad the whole next academic year? Or just this term? Or just for the next big single event?

Original poster

hathorkicksass · 30/04/2012 19:35

It's this term. Til the summer

OP posts:

bettybat · 30/04/2012 19:46

It is harsh, and it does seem really unfair, especially given her dedication to the school's sports events...I think you need to commiserate with her, but ultimately tell her it's what the school policy is and to move on.

I don't agree about speaking to the school...I think she's of an age now to start experiencing this kind of disappointment, especially in its unfair nature. There's lots of things that I've experienced as an adult that are not only disappointing but completely unfair. It's not about just treating children unfairly.

It's how you deal with it that really matters, how you handle the disappointment and how you decide to move on from it. I would encourage to think outside the world of school and as someone else suggested, consider community/area/county teams instead.

Original poster

hathorkicksass · 30/04/2012 20:45

The thing is, she's already doing plenty of sports outside of school, I chatted to her this evening and she's very very disappointed. I see her point, and I told her I don't think it's fair and that it's the school's loss - she won the 4 events she was selected for at county level and went on to regionals and won 3 of them last year. So as I said to her - wait and see if they win this time.

OP posts:

spg1983 · 30/04/2012 21:17

Something to consider...do the PE department (who ran the trials I guess?) even know why she was away or are they under the impression that she's just abandoned them on the day of the trials? I am a teacher and it's amazing how hard it is for messages regarding attendance/absence to get through to subject staff sometimes...

Original poster

hathorkicksass · 30/04/2012 21:19

Don't know that actually - do you think it would be worth an ask?

I'm not being pushy or bolshie about this at all btw, but I do think it's unfair that she can't be chosen for the team for the entire term because of a family bereavement.

OP posts:

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 30/04/2012 21:22

I would call the school. They know her, they know her ability, they knew she would be off - what part of that is fair?

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 30/04/2012 21:23

... or if the PE dept didn't know she'd be off - why not? Who should have told them?

SecretNutellaFix · 30/04/2012 21:24

I think that perhaps dd should be the one to speak to the athletics coach about it, but that you should be at that "meeting" as a back up.

Original poster

hathorkicksass · 30/04/2012 21:28

I feel as if she's being punished because she went to a funeral.

OP posts:

spg1983 · 30/04/2012 21:36

I really think it's worth checking the PE dept know the full story because I'd put money on the fact they don't...firstly not every teacher gets a reason for every single pupil who happens to be off each day and secondly obviously your daughter knew she wouldn't be there but in my experience a planned absence due to a funeral is not really something a 13 year old broadcasts to all their teachers.

Plus...even if she did mention it in advance it is sooo easy to forget things like that as there's always so much going on at any given time. But...am slightly surprised that the teacher(s) involved haven't asked her why she wasn't there, unless they're assumed she decided not to do it and don't want to embarrass her?

SecretNutellaFix · 30/04/2012 21:36

It probably all boils down to miscommunication within the school.

Sarcalogos · 30/04/2012 21:37

It seems bizarre to me that the school would LET a county standard athlete not be on the team because they missed one day.

Unless it is some sort of selective sports school and they are overrun with talent?

If not, send DD with a note as 'proof' but get her to explain the situation to the coach herself. Ime coaches want to win...so if she's good...

Original poster

hathorkicksass · 30/04/2012 21:50

It's not selective sports school but today was the first day of squad training, she looked the board, her name wasn't there (because she was absent on Thursday) so she didn't go.

Will phone in the morning and speak to her tutor and see what she advises maybe?

OP posts:

Thumbwitch · 01/05/2012 04:03

I think she really needs to try and sort this out with the coach herself - she's of an age where she can start to learn to do these things herself, not have her mum do it for her.

As Sarcalogos says, send in a note as authentication of your DD's reason, but let her do the talking.

The coach may just say "too bad, so sorry, next year and at least someone else has got a turn this year" - and to be fair, you could try and give your DD the idea that it's quite good for other people to get a shot at the squad sometimes - she's allowed someone else a go by being absent, even though that's not what her choice would have been. Does give her the opportunity to feel magnanimous about it though, if you can get her to see it in that light!

It is unfair, but she's old enough to start to appreciate that life IS like this and she will be aware next time that her choices may have unforeseen outcomes; and that she shouldn't take anything for granted.

tinkertitonk · 01/05/2012 04:17

OP you're being harsh. Maybe your daughter is also grieving but expresses it badly? Or is unhappy because you are grieving?

Original poster

hathorkicksass · 02/05/2012 10:46

Wanted to come back on the thread to update - hope no one minds.

She didn't want me to speak to the school - team was up, her name wasn't on it, she was going to suck it up.

I wasn't too happy but hey ho she's 13 so I let it go.

She came out of school yesterday grinning from ear to ear - head of PE had cornered her yesterday - where were you didn't see you at the trial for the districts thought you liked athletics - DD explained that she did but was at a funeral and had been told by her form tutor it was just tough.

Head of PE - you're the best runner we have of course you're in the team - bring your kit on Friday - she's doing 400m 200m 100m and high jump

Seems like the message didn't get passed on somewhere.

OP posts:

Coconutty · 02/05/2012 10:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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