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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What do I do? My brother is having an affair!

57 replies

TheRealSnowWhite · 30/04/2012 14:27

His son, (my nephew who is 20years old) was with us yesterday as we had planned to go and watch the new Avengers movie. We were running late (which tbh never happens!) so spontanenously decided to go out of town as I really wanted to watch it in 3D. We went to a cinema we'd never normally go and as we were parking up with ds (5), dh, DN, we noticed my brother's car there. We parked up and saw him there getting a parking ticket with the other woman, looking very cosy together :( He didn't see us.

DH and DN wanted to storm out of the car and confront his dad. I don't know why but my instant reaction was to just drive away. I didn't want a confrontation maybe? I'm still in shock. Dh is calling me a coward. DN was really sad and said that he has overheard his mum and sisters are talking about this other woman, and that he's going to tell his mum. I said to just wait and think about it as he was starting his new job today.

Actually I'm really confused. DN has been texting me from work. Dh is advising him to tell his mum. I don't know. Has anyone got some good advice on how to handle this?

OP posts:
Xales · 30/04/2012 14:33

If you are sure about how cosy they were and that he is having an affair then I think his mum needs to know.

I don't think the average 20 year old bloke is going to be able to keep a lid on this. The slightest spark/perceived wrong look and he could explode in front of everyone and it come out bad rather than less bad (if that makes sense). It then runs the risk of his dad calling him a liar and everyone getting dragged into a bigger nastier mess.

I think you or your DH should speak to your brother and say we all saw you, you tell mum by x date or we will.

Sorry Sad

NatashaBee · 30/04/2012 14:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sugarice · 30/04/2012 14:41

I would speak to your brother and tell him what you all saw.Tell him you expect him to come clean to his Wife asap or you'll tell her, It's very unfair on your nephew to keep a lid on this.

medievalgirl · 30/04/2012 14:42

Are they definitely having an affair?
I was in a car park the other day with another man. But I'm not having an affair with him. [Shudders at the thought.]

AThingInYourLife · 30/04/2012 14:44

You don't have to do anything.

Your nephew is going to tell his mother pretty soon.

chipsandmushypeas · 30/04/2012 14:45

Call your brother and ask him what the hell is going on?!

scarletforya · 30/04/2012 14:47

Let him tell his Mum. There is no 'right way' to handle this now. It's too late, what has been seen cannot be unseen.

At least the son saw it with his own eyes so they know for sure now. Just be there for your SIL and your DN.

MrsSquirrel · 30/04/2012 14:47

So sorry SnowWhite. I agree with the others that SIL deserves to know. Yes it may blow the family apart, but if that happens it would be your brother's fault, not yours or DN's.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 30/04/2012 14:48

My best friend's husband was having an affair. He went to the pictures with his girlfriend and his daughter saw him in the queue. He told her that if she told her mum she would be out on the street.....needless to say she went straight home and told her! My friend always had suspicions but never any proof.

They are now getting divorced and he blames his daughter for not "keeping her gob shut" - Nice dad hey!

I imagine your nephew will tell his mum anyway!

Groovee · 30/04/2012 14:53

I think your nephew needs to tell his mum. Why are you trying to hide your head in the sand about it?

Teeb · 30/04/2012 15:02

What a horrible man he sounds like Betty.

Yes, I'm not sure why you feel the need to get too involved really op. Your DN will likely be the one to tell his mother, and all you need to do then is tell the truth if his mother asks you to confirm events.

JosieZ · 30/04/2012 15:14

Isn't it worse for Mum if she thinks everyone knew except her.

oopsi · 30/04/2012 15:17

I'd stay well out of it! None of your beeswax!

TheHappyHissy · 30/04/2012 16:01

Call your brother. Tell him to tell his DW, or you ALL will.

akaemmafrost · 30/04/2012 16:06

Your nephew should do what he sees fit with regards to HIS Mum and Dad. I know he is your brother but it really isn't your decision to make.

Sassybeast · 30/04/2012 16:47

I would tell her. This will not stay a secret and I would rather take the flack from my cheating brother than let him give his son the flack for blowing his sordid little secret apart.

lisaro · 30/04/2012 16:52

It sounds like his mum already knows if he's heard her talking about her. In that case it's probably better for him not to say anything.

chipsandmushypeas · 30/04/2012 16:53

What about if it was the other way around OP?

What if your son saw your husband with another woman in a bar looking cosy and your sister in law said oooh don't tell SnowWhite!

diddl · 30/04/2012 16:54

I´m not sure why you wouldn´t let your nephew confront his father tbh, or why you think he shouldn´t tell his mum what he saw-especially as it seems she already knows!

sugarice · 30/04/2012 16:56

Sorry but imagine how hard it's going to be for a Son to tell his Mum that he saw his Dad with another woman, poor lad. I would still talk to your brother and get him to front up asap if it's the case that he's seeing another woman.

Debsbear · 30/04/2012 16:59

I'd speak to him, tell him that his son knows as well and that he (your brother) needs to speak to her before someone else does

Jenny70 · 30/04/2012 17:02

I'd tell brother, in case it was an innocent thing it gives him the benefit of the doubt in regards to coming clean on his terms. But I'd be making sure it all comes out into the open, whatever the consequences...

what a toxic secret for your nephew to keep - will not only poison his opinion of his dad (which may or may not be justified) but also his view on marriage, family etc.

MadamFolly · 30/04/2012 17:20

Leave it be, it will go the way it goes, its your DN's business now.

SunflowersSmile · 30/04/2012 18:31

If it was my brother I would tell him what I saw and that his son saw it too. I would then try very hard to keep out of it I think

maristella · 30/04/2012 18:36

"I would tell her. This will not stay a secret and I would rather take the flack from my cheating brother than let him give his son the flack for blowing his sordid little secret apart."

^ What Sassybeast said. Your DN needs to be protected as much as possible from the fallout; his world is crumbling right now :(