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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

What do I do? My brother is having an affair!

57 replies

TheRealSnowWhite · 30/04/2012 14:27

His son, (my nephew who is 20years old) was with us yesterday as we had planned to go and watch the new Avengers movie. We were running late (which tbh never happens!) so spontanenously decided to go out of town as I really wanted to watch it in 3D. We went to a cinema we'd never normally go and as we were parking up with ds (5), dh, DN, we noticed my brother's car there. We parked up and saw him there getting a parking ticket with the other woman, looking very cosy together :( He didn't see us.

DH and DN wanted to storm out of the car and confront his dad. I don't know why but my instant reaction was to just drive away. I didn't want a confrontation maybe? I'm still in shock. Dh is calling me a coward. DN was really sad and said that he has overheard his mum and sisters are talking about this other woman, and that he's going to tell his mum. I said to just wait and think about it as he was starting his new job today.

Actually I'm really confused. DN has been texting me from work. Dh is advising him to tell his mum. I don't know. Has anyone got some good advice on how to handle this?

OP posts:

valiumredhead · 30/04/2012 18:49

I wouldn't do or say anything - not your business and you need to keep out of it.

MustControlFistOfDeath · 30/04/2012 19:00

I would speak to DN, and ask him how he would like it to be handled i.e. would he prefer me to get involved or not.

GrahamTribe · 30/04/2012 19:12

I'm another who would do nothing as it wouldn't be any of my business. I can kind of understand why you might feel the desire to get involved though, but your husband? It's not even his brother we're talking about, it's yours! Why is your husband seemingly so irate and so intent on "storming out to confront" your brother? What gives him the right to call you "a coward"?

Is he normally this confrontational and controlling of others' lives?

greenplastictrees · 30/04/2012 19:13

I who tell him. Take the pressure of the son to do it. You and DH should do it.

greenplastictrees · 30/04/2012 19:16

I would.

BoffinMum · 30/04/2012 19:17

I think the decent thing with affairs is always to put pressure on the person having the affair to stop it/confess as appropriate, by telling them you have seen them and that you are uncomfortable about the whole thing. Then it's up to them to do the right thing, and you don't blunder through other people's lives as much.

Dozer · 30/04/2012 19:19

Because your DN has seen it you should tell, or he will be under horrible pressure. V damaging for (even adult) children to deal with secrets like that. I would go straight to SIL so that B doesn't have time to come up with a story and is caught on the hop!

Why did you interfere in the carpark and put pressure on DN not to confront his father, or tell his mother? Not v supportive IMO.

DontmindifIdo · 30/04/2012 19:21

Call your brother and tell him what you saw, that his son saw it and it's not fair on his son to have to be the one to break it to his mother, and he will if your brother doesn't do it first.

Dozer · 30/04/2012 19:21

Graham, the DH is probably looking out for SIL and DN and outraged on their behalf. He is part of the family too.

The OP has already interfered, by seeking to persuade DN not to say anything.

BeauNash · 30/04/2012 19:23

He is 20. It is his decision if he tells, not yours.

AThingInYourLife · 30/04/2012 19:26

Yes, putting pressure on a young man to keep a secret from his mother probably wasn't your finest hour, OP.

You have meddled, so you can't now call it none of your business.

I think you need to talk to your nephew and see what he wants to do.

And then support him in that without any attempt to impose your own will on the whole thing.

GrahamTribe · 30/04/2012 19:27

Fair point, Dozer. :) I find it hard to "get my head around" as the OP is reacting in so different a manner to the way I'd react that the response of the OP's husband seems even more strange still to me.

GrahamTribe · 30/04/2012 19:28

Oh man! Look at my grammar! Sorry.

spg1983 · 30/04/2012 21:04

Just a word of warning-please please make sure that it is definitely an affair. When you say "getting cosy", obviously if you mean kissing etc then that's definite proof! I say this because my best friend is male and we often go out together and have had no end of accusations and confrontations from other people because they saw us give each other a hug goodbye or something like that or even because they saw us out shopping or having a coffee together! Luckily our OHs are absolutely fine about it and we are all friends otherwise we'd probably have had our relationships wrecked by now. There are still people who are convinced that we must be shagging each other's brains out but we are just really good friends.

Obviously if that's totally different to your situation OP, please ignore this post, but I just thought it may be worth mentioning in case it may be something similar.

RightBuggerforit · 30/04/2012 21:26

I don't understand why you would put so much pressure on your dn to carry the burden of keeping his dad's awful (and very badly kept) secret from his mum, when he's obviously so uncomfortable doing that.

tinkertitonk · 01/05/2012 04:10

Butt out and remain there. Your brother is an adult.

SparkleSoiree · 01/05/2012 05:17

That is a very big secret for a young man to keep about his father from his mother who he knows is already upset about a potential other woman.

I would have let it run the way it run in the car park with your DN and his father - it is their family business. I appreciate that others could be outraged or upset on behalf of the SIL and DN but now I feel you need to speak with your DN and REMOVE that pressure on him to keep silent. Ask him what he would like to do in moving forward. I know if were me I would be furious that my son was persuaded not to tell me for any length of time that my husband was cheating.

Imagine a kid of any age seeing one of their parents conducting an affair right in front of them - distressing to say the least.

MsKittyFane · 01/05/2012 06:28

Why on earth did you stop your DN talking to his dad at the cinema?
He could have approached his dad calmly and asked who the woman was.
Your brother would have had to face what he was doing to his family straight in the eye.
As it is, you've protected your brother from the humiliation of having to own up to his family.
Your DN is now left with just speculation.
Are you afraid of your brother?

Original poster

TheRealSnowWhite · 04/05/2012 22:38

Hi everyone, sorry I haven't been on mumsnet for a while to update.
Main reason I stopped dn from confronting my brother there and then (Sunday 4pm) was because he was due to start work on Monday morning. He had been looking forward to starting this job as he hasn't had a job for a long time. He's been to interviews and tests for this role and he was so happy the whole way there about this wonderful opportunity in London. The last job he also left when his dad was in hospital with heart problems. He gets really down with family problems and has left home many times when his parents have been fighting. I advised him to just take some time to think, and maybe tell his mum, or confront his dad. I have not asked him to keep this secret. In my opinion, (if you hear the backstory) storming out of the car, confronting my brother (my brother possibly leaving that night, his mum in tears and DN tossing in this job) was not going to help DN or his mum or dad. Plus my brother cannot deny it. This is his other woman who he is not supposed to be seeing any more.

The other reason and with a little digging; This woman used to be a babysitter of theirs many years ago. SIL treated her like family and kept her involved afterwards. Her children had told her to not have this woman around, my eldest niece was 16 and is 22 now. The others are 16 now. The kids didn't like this woman, and had found text messages on their dad's phone from her with things like "goodnite sexy". She was making excuses to get him to drive her home. She had confessed to the kids that she loved a married man and would do anything for him. He helped her move into a flat :/ SIL was approving of all of this. We all know this because the kids told us a few years ago to talk to their mum and so my sister did. SIL has absolutely no friends at all, or else someone else would have advised her. My sister reluctantly talked to SIL on behalf of the nieces, but SIL said she trusts her like her own sister (her words). So we all left it alone and asked the children not to discuss it with us. A few years ago my mum went round while SIL was away, my brother was at home and ill apparently. The woman's car was there and they didn't open the door. My mum gave my SIL and my brother a telling off and to wake up! It's so obvious it's embarassing. SIL eventually saw it at some point. She told the woman to never come round about 2 years ago. This woman doesn't go round there anymore. She tries to stay in touch with everyone else in my family though :/ Calling in to see my mum, calling my sister. I found out yesterday that she is in fact pregnant with my brother's child. I'm staying out of it. Feel sorry for my DNs - all of them. I blame SIL, this woman and my brother. The kids had said this all along.

I won't be telling DN that she is pregnant. SIL needs to get some balls and leave my brother. He's a total twat, And no I'm not scared of him. I just don't want to get involved in other people's shit. I went to watch the Avengers, my ds was looking forward to it as was my dh and dn. That would have ruined it all and what for? SILs and brothers fu* up lifestyle choices.

OP posts:

skybluepearl · 04/05/2012 22:58

I think you/DH text brother. Tell him what you saw and give him a deadline by which time he must tell his wife - or you will

JaneFonda · 04/05/2012 23:07

I don't understand why you're blaming SIL - that is not on.

It was your brother's choice to start an affair. Your SIL has done nothing wrong to deserve to be treated this way.

It sounds like you need to butt out because it certainly seems like you won't be of any support to your SIL.

DesperatelySeekingSedatives · 04/05/2012 23:14

There must be a reason your SIL has stayed with her cheating cunt of a husband. It could be blind love, a lack of self worth, he has his uses or maybe she's scared of him?

Ofcourse you're loyal to your brother, twat or not. But he's fucking up so many lives. I would do what others suggest- give brother a deadline to spill his guts or you will tell SIL everything. Maybe what she needs is to hit her limit to break free from this arsehole. It can be very hard to let go of someone, even someone as awful as your brother. SIL may need that one last push.

MorrisZapp · 04/05/2012 23:18

Why the hostility towards SIL?

NicNocJnr · 04/05/2012 23:29

Possibly because of the effect that SILs behaviour is having on her children MorrisZap? If she wasn't a mother then it's really up to her whether she want's to be treated like crap - but from OPs description she has no problems with immersing the kids in this sordid little triangle and that is not ok.

I would support the children as much as I could, give my brother a bloody great kick up the arse and then leave B, SIL & OW to get on with it. I'd definitely be thinking about talking to DN about loyalty and how much should be expected of him vs how much he's actually being used. Poor DNs, shitty sitution - and yes, I'd be upset at both parents & it is my business if kids (young adults) I love and care about are suffering and are coming to me with it all.

FashionEaster · 04/05/2012 23:32

My SIL discovered her brother was having an affair and broke his nose. She likes her SIL.

Obviously I don't advoate spreading your brother's nose across his face but some support for your poor SIL and children wouldn't go amiss. Your brother, btw, is an wanker but am sure you know this.

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