What do I do? My brother is having an affair!

[TheRealSnowWhite]

His son, (my nephew who is 20years old) was with us yesterday as we had planned to go and watch the new Avengers movie. We were running late (which tbh never happens!) so spontanenously decided to go out of town as I really wanted to watch it in 3D. We went to a cinema we'd never normally go and as we were parking up with ds (5), dh, DN, we noticed my brother's car there. We parked up and saw him there getting a parking ticket with the other woman, looking very cosy together :( He didn't see us.

DH and DN wanted to storm out of the car and confront his dad. I don't know why but my instant reaction was to just drive away. I didn't want a confrontation maybe? I'm still in shock. Dh is calling me a coward. DN was really sad and said that he has overheard his mum and sisters are talking about this other woman, and that he's going to tell his mum. I said to just wait and think about it as he was starting his new job today.

Actually I'm really confused. DN has been texting me from work. Dh is advising him to tell his mum. I don't know. Has anyone got some good advice on how to handle this?

Your brother is having an affair, and you "blame" your SIL????

Yes, I feel sorry for your DNs too.

But if that was my brother, I would be telling him to his face that he's "a total twat" (your words, OP).

"NicNocJnr Fri 04-May-12 23:29:08
Possibly because of the effect that SILs behaviour is having on her children MorrisZap? If she wasn't a mother then it's really up to her whether she want's to be treated like crap - but from OPs description she has no problems with immersing the kids in this sordid little triangle and that is not ok."

Good grief, NicNoc. Do you really mean that the SIL has "chosen" to be treated like "crap"? That she has "no problems" with that? And that she's "chosen" to put her children through this "crap"?

May I respectfully suggest that it might just be the father who is having an affair, and has therefore "chosen" to put his children through this "crap"?

You can respectfully suggest all you want.

The OP has clearly stated SIL knowledge of her brother's behaviour and is dismissive of approaches by the family and the concernes of her children. If you are so adamant and entrenched in your denial even after barring the woman from your home then it gets to a point where yes, you are choosing to be treated like crap because you are actively enabling the behaviour. If SIL needs support then it sounds like this family would give it and help her and the children to get his toxic presence out of their lives far enough to stop him actively causing problems.

At this point there is supposition about the brother's behaviour it is all about what SIL does - there is sadly a point at which you can't help somebody, they actively repel it. Her children are suffering because of his actions but also because of concern for their mother and she isn't stepping up to the plate in that respect. Just like anything you can't offer outside help until somebody admits there is a problem - it seems like she's more than reluctant to do that.

My comment means - it is down to her alone to decide if and when she decides to see reality and if she had no children she could choose to freeze everyone out and live in this terrible marriage as long as he'll let her. But she has children she needs to be protecting from the terrible fall out that this situation has the potential to create - look at the effects on DN. There are women that have been in terrible DV situations that have realised they have children that give them the strength to break free and that they have the rights to do that. This woman is not in that situation but is passively letting her unfaithful prick of a husband ravage her kid's emotions. I'm sorry you can't see that a short sharp shock to this woman is not worth the significant emotional and trust issues wrought in (how many?) kids that keeping on like this will entail. An abuse is never the fault of the abused so don't you dare try and make out I said or meant that but there does come a point where we all have to choose to break free, especially if there are children depending on us.

You know what? I would be pissed of with my sil if she had been given notice, evidence and support to nip this in the bud and didn't and I had to have my DNs pouring their hearts out about it and I had to watch them struggle to get a handle on the situation. Would I let B of the hook? No. But he is being enabled to do this and the priority is the children who are being held back from starting their independant adult lives.

Still don´t get your reasons tbh.

And your mum told your SIL off that he had another woman there when he was "ill"-and you blame her also-Christ, poor woman.

I supposed she´s such a bad wife he had no choice??!!

Oh god, how terrible. I do see NicNoc's point, to an extent as it goes, she is paralysed, and seemingly unable to help herself.

Meanwhile It seems like everyone is standng by and watching this car crash unfold. The poor DC seem to have been the ones telling everyone what's going on, and nothing changed, for many reasons.

Telling the DC NOT to discuss it with you? There's fine support!

I can't get why the family don't take the brother to one side and -kick the shit out of him- point out the errors of his ways.

OK so SIL is apparently unable to help herself, but did ban this woman from their lives. Why IS it that she has NO friends? Who/what is isolating her so much? SOMEONE needs to intervene with the Bro and stop this abysmal hurt being dealt to the children. There will be lasting damage to them.

I think the OP's family need to take this -twat- matter in hand, collectively, as it's reflecting like SHIT all over all of them.

If I had a brother like that, I'd die of shame.

Poor children (now adults) in this. What a messed up example of relationships they have had. Both parents have failed them tbh

I'm by no means laying the blame for this at SIls door I was just rather melodramatically trying to get my point across.

I think OPs family need to step in and be pro-active personally but I can see why SIL is drawing some fire herself.

At the end of the day though you don't have to look too far to see examples of denial and ostriching that mean any offers of help are re-buffed with significant hostility and at that point you have to be the steadying weight for the children.

If he was my brother though my family would show their displeasure at his dispicable behaviour. In fact we did and have my cousins and their lovely mother to all family occasions and uncle was banned. Being there for his family that he treated badly was more important to us. Now he has shown suitable contrition and made enough amends for his ex wife to be as gracious as ever and accept his apology. My grandmother on the other hand would have put him over her knee and belted him if she could. He has behaved better and met the responsibilities he has to his children...OW cheated on him btw and left once her unattainable, mucky little secret was hers full time. He regrets it all.