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AIBU?

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Original poster

Mother-in-law moving in .....

91 replies

chloeameliasmummy · 30/04/2012 13:58

Me and my partner have just moved house, 1 month into living in our new house and I get told that his mother (my mother-in-law) and his teenage sister is moving into our house as his mother & father are splitting up. I am ok with them moving to get themselves sorted and find a new place but she has the idea that she is staying with us until Christmas!? am I being unreasonable by telling my partner that I don't want them here for longer than 2 months, and that I don't want their cats here as I am allergic to them. I just don't feel like we could afford 2 other people living in our home, when I have a 2 month old baby and me being diagnosed with post-natal depression.

Am I in fact out of order for putting my foot down?

OP posts:
AmnesiaCustard · 30/04/2012 15:02

I'd have the cats and not the in-laws. Outrageous!

fullofregrets · 30/04/2012 15:10

Sorry if it has already been suggested but personally I'd move out if they moved in!

YANBU

Original poster
chloeameliasmummy · 30/04/2012 15:10

thank you everyone for your comments, I just didn't know what to think and if i was over reacting, but clearly I need to put my foot down more. It's just sometimes I feel ganged up on as there is him, mum and sister then there is me.

My MIL is one of them people when she gets an idea in her head she doesn't change her mind (stubborn). My partner just told me one night that they were splitting up and she was moving in here, I had no say.My partner uses the excuse that that is his mum and sister.

I think it is a bit ridiculous as my ILs are selling their house so it isn't like she has no money, but she has turned to him and said that she is only going to give us 40 quid towards rent & bills when our rent is 575 a month and gas & electric is 81 quid. I just feel like sometimes they gang up on me. However I am seriously putting my foot down now and I have told him that if I do not like anything that happens me and his daughter are moving out.

Thank you StanleyLambchop I am definitely going to contact my HV about this i never thought about talking to her about this.

Again Thank You for your comments, it has made me open my eyes and realise that I need to stand my ground.

OP posts:
Teeb · 30/04/2012 15:13

She's said she is only willing to put £40 towards rent and bills? Who the hell does this woman think she is!

I agree absolutely that you need to have some firm rules in place before anything happens. So set a solid time frame, no cats, rules about food/communal living spaces, cleaning etc etc.

FluffyJawsOfDoom · 30/04/2012 15:16

No no no no - not you and DD moving out, MIL & SIL moving out!!!!! Shock

argghh · 30/04/2012 15:20

It would be a relationship breaker for me if DP even suggested his MIL came to live with us.

YANBU

DidYouPackThePassport · 30/04/2012 15:30

You need to be VERY clear about your concerns and preferences here, or this will most certainly end in tears. Your privacy, which is more valuable than ever when you have just had a baby, is about to be compromised. You are right to set a time limit - this whole arrangement should be on a trial basis only, until everyone knows if it's suitable for them.
So many unforeseen problems can arise. What about if your MIL & her daughter have visitors? Will you be happy breast-feeding in front of strangers or will you be confined to your bedroom in your own home?
Make any expectations you have clear - how much involvement you are comfortable with them having with your child. Will you expect baby-sitting occasionally? Will you welcome advice or rather they kept their thoughts to themselves? It's easy for husbands, who pootle off to work in the morning and come back in time for an evening meal and some R&R, but you will be stuck with them all day. You might want to be "out" all the time, just to avoid them... you may feel pressurised to take them with you...

You won't be at your strongest right now, but you need to make sure your voice is heard in all of this. Think hard and put your foot down.

From one who's been there

amicissimma · 30/04/2012 15:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dreamingofsun · 30/04/2012 15:53

suggest you do some research on here about house rules and put together a list so you can first agree with your partner and for him to then agree with his mother. rent should be allocated on space used - eg if you have 2 bed flat and they are using one bedroom then its halved. same with bills. who is paying for food? will they cook their own, what cupboard space will they need? are your lifestyles similar, eg do you watch same TV programmes, go to bed at similar times? what is happening with all their clothes/furniture etc - are they bringing heaps of stuff with them and where's it going? what happens if anything gets damaged and will this affect your contents insurance?

if you are not careful this might have long term repercussions for your relationship with your partner and IL's. your partner is being a bit dim if he doesn't appreciate this - though its nice to see loyalty towards family

letseatgrandma · 30/04/2012 15:53

Doess your DH normally do everything his mum wants?

ChaoticismyLife · 30/04/2012 15:57

They may be his mother and sister but you are his partner and the mother of his child. As for dictating to you, I'd be moving out if someone tried to dictate something like that to me.

ProfCoxWouldGetIt · 30/04/2012 15:57

If you rent, they can't stay with you long term as you'll probably find yourself in breach of your contract and the same goes for the cats.

dreamingofsun · 30/04/2012 16:02

prof - good thinking. as a landlord the cats would be a definate no for our place, as there's a clause in all the leases that says no animals. most flats won't allow them. our tenant wanted one and we had to say no. doubt the contract would specify how many people living there though

BerthaTheBogBurglar · 30/04/2012 16:08

Phone your letting agency/landlord and ask if you're allowed to sublet/have paying lodgers/have long-term guests.

My contract says we're not allowed "paying guests", nor any visitor who stays more than three weeks.

If your letting agency/landlord seems disposed to be accomodating, tell them you want them to say no!

Then inform MIL (not dp) that sadly you are not allowed to have her to stay, what a pity, you do hope she finds somewhere else.

Then tell dp that if he does anything like that again ever, he will be moving out.

fedupofnamechanging · 30/04/2012 16:09

I think you should say no, full stop to them moving in.

This is your home too and there is no way on earth you should be informed that they are moving in and not asked. They are going to walk all over you and you have no end date for them to leave - their house could take months to sell.

The very best thing you could do for yourself is tell your partner that you are not happy with this arrangement and so they cannot move in.

Jux · 30/04/2012 16:12

Do you have a massive house which can comfortably accommodate two extra adults? Do you have two bathrooms, several loos, two kitchens, two sitting rooms etc so you can have some privacy with your dp and baby?

I know you don't, actually. They are rhetorical questions. Unless you do have all this extra space, then your dp is being totally unreasonable and you can use the MN mantra - No is a complete sentence.

BerthaTheBogBurglar · 30/04/2012 16:15

Don't mention to dp that you think you may not be allowed guests/lodgers. Call the letting agency yourself and then call MIL yourself!

I'm suggesting this as the easy way out. Personally I'd be doing a lot of outraged shouting at dp, and then phoning MIL and saying "sorry, dp forgot to discuss it with me first. Having you to stay doesn't work for us so you won't be coming".

"No, that doesn't work for me" is a brilliantly useful line. So is "No".

girlywhirly · 30/04/2012 16:17

If they do come for the permitted three weeks, they must contribute (if not rent) towards food, and bills.

But for your sake I hope they don't!

empirestateofmind · 30/04/2012 16:21

Wow he didn't even ask if it was ok? And MIL is dictating what she'll pay you both? I am speechless.

I agree with karma, just say no. They are not moving in.

Just imagine what your life would be like if they were there. Awful. You would be stressed and have no privacy. They wouldn't even be paying their way so you would be paying for the privilege of being walked over in your own home.

niceguy2 · 30/04/2012 16:22

OK, firstly let me say that I don't think you are BU. If I were in your shoes, I'd not want them to stay for an indefinite/undefined period either.

BUT

This is a battle which will need to be fought smartly. If you go in with "I only want them here for 2 months", what he will see/hear is his wife isn't willing to help his mother and sister in their time of need.

Going toe to toe with your DH on that basis will never end well.

What you need to do is play a smarter game. So suggest to DH that surely it's in his mum/teenage sister's best interests if they found somewhere of their own asap. After all, they need their privacy and space too. Esp since your new baby is going to be crying so much.......And that you don't mind them staying a while cos their help with the housework will really come in handy whilst the baby is so small. Plus would they mind babysitting so you and DH can have some nights out??

Then you work really hard to help them find a new place. Help them look in the papers, push thru the sale of their house, drive them to look at new places. Whatever it takes to get them out.

That way you are seen to be helpful rather than not helping his family in their hour of need, which is the way he will see it.

Lastly try to put yourself in his shoes for a moment. It's his mum, dad & sister we're talking about here. Not some mate he met a few times at the pub.

SmellsLikeTeenStrop · 30/04/2012 16:22

1 extra adult, 1 nearly adult and they're only paying £40 towards bills? Bollocks to that - that won't even cover the extra food.

This is a recipe for disaster, if he said yes to his mum and sister moving in without even bothering to consult you first then it doesn't take a fortune teller crystal ball to figure that he'll side with them all the time and it literally will be you vs him, his mum and his sister? Do you want his mum dictating how your child is brought up?

Inertia · 30/04/2012 16:26

ProfCox has the answer! The landlord is your get-out clause here.

Ring your landlord to establish exactly what the contractual agreements are and that you expect to have to accommodate MIl and SIL for 2 weeks. Then tell the MIL, SIL and DH that the landlord has placed a two-week limit on them staying as guests regardless of what the landlord actually says .

Them moving in with you long term will not end well.

And if they are paying cattery fees as the landlord won't allow pets either they'll have an incentive to move out.

Why do they have to move out, rather than FIL? Will you helping them out of a violent or abusive situation? The other issue is that, by offering them a place to live, it may absolve the council from finding them a place to live if they are not actually considered homeless. You may need some proper advice here.

angeltattoo · 30/04/2012 19:21

Absolutely not.

He sold have asked you what yiur thoughts might be as he was thinking about offering them room in yur home. Not tellng you!

It would be chuffing horrendous bad at the best of times, but with a new home and a new baby, you and your husband should want to be alone getting your lovely new baby settled into life with you. This would be complex even without PND, you absolutely do not want to share it with two other adults!

your MIL should sort her own arrangements, amicably resolve the issue of whe she and her daughter lve with her husband (assuming she is nkt in any danger of course) but I suspect she is not from what yiu've said.

Your H is being very very unreasonable and you and your baby should be his first concern at this stage in your lives.

angeltattoo · 30/04/2012 19:23

Terrible spelling blames ipad entirely , sorry!

nocake · 30/04/2012 19:31

You've got a bigger problem than a MIl who wants to move in... a partner who doesn't take your side. You should be his priority, not his family, and if you aren't then you need to think long and hard about your relationship.

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