AIBU to say if you want money for your wedding presents good on you

[CreamolaFoamless]

If just read a couple of threads here that go 'oh they asked for money' how bad and evil are they

I seriously got around 19,000 towels and 7 electric carving knives at my wedding....what was I ment to do with them?

Saying 'no gifts' is not a direct insult towards you it's more a 'I've got enough shit in my life don't buy me anymore unnessarcy presents that I woill not not know what to do wit'

I agree Creamola but I was thinking more from the happy couple's perspective.

If they really want Great Aunt Enid to attend their wedding - they should put some thought into how she might get there on a pension

"Just don't go if you can't afford it"-nice.

Just how do you tell a very old friend you can't go to their wedding?

The whole point of a wedding is to celebrate a special day with old friends and family,not the presents.

Really sad that some people would just rather people didn't come if they couldn't afford it or to spend the dictated £££££s on a dictated present.

I think times are a changing.Couples are just going to have to except that families don't have the cash to spend on petrol,outfits,accommodation and an expensive present on top all for somebody else's special day.People just aren't prepared to slap money on a credit card.

The last wedding we went to we spent more on one day(even though we did it as fugally as we could) than we do our entire camping holiday.It was for an old friend who would never have forgiven me if I said "sorry can't afford it so we're not coming".

I wouldn't be comfortable attending a wedding and bringing nothing.

I personally am every pleased and the increase in acceptance of cash gifts.

I'm a product of my upbringing and giving cash is normal. I married a man from another country altogether and they all give cash at weddings too.

But my wedding list of guest was a broad spectrum people, I just left it up individuals to do whatever they wanted. I don't particularly care. But cash is far more useful imo.

I don't think YABU. We had children and a home before we got married but wanted to do up the house so we asked for B&Q vouchers. Some people gave us money instead. All was gratefully received. Whether it is money, vouchers or gifts it is the thought that counts.

A wedding poem.... very romantic.

So what do you get
For the bride and groom
Whose house needs things
In every room?
When shopping for a present please don?t be rash
As there is always the option
To just give cash!
We hope you don?t find
Our request to be funny
But we really would appreciate
A gift of money

If you google wedding poems asking for cash there are loads and some do make me laugh.

We got loads of tat, some of it still in my dad's loft 16 yrs later, I appreciated the gesture but much of it was old tat just the same, what a waste of money to say nothing of the poor guests time and pallaver at picking a present.

I didn't expect any gifts, the guests presence was enough but most people want to give a gift, it might as well be something of real use and you can give what you can afford and you don't have the hassle of traipsing high and low trying to get a present you don't know if it is useful or will be liked. Money/vouchers is the way to go. - win/win. You can but a present if you really want to, doesn't have to be one way or tother.

I still feel odd about the cash request. Feel odd about wedding lists to be honest. I don't think people can get it right these days because, basically most couples getting married don't actually need anything. I've decided to do what the bride and groom want and just carry on feeling odd about it. The question is how much are you expected to cough up?

I'm completely with you, but I'll be donning my flame proof hat to be on the safe side. I'm not British though which might have something to do with it - I'm originally from Holland and there it is really common to ask for and receive money as a wedding gift. There's no twee poems either (thank god), the accepted 'sign' that the couple would prefer money is to print a small icon of an envelope somewhere on the invitation. Everyone knows what it means, no more needs to be said. So many couples live together for years before getting married - why do they need more toasters, towels and crockery if they already have it? If I give a gift, I want it to be something the recipient will use and enjoy, and if I don't know what that is, I will give them money so they can choose something for themselves.

My best friend, back home in Holland, is getting married in two months. There was a little envelope on the invitation - she and her fiance jointly own their home, they have everything they need. I'm really broke and will not be giving her a large sum of money, it will be a small amount, but she is not grasping - she would be totally fine if I didn't give her anything at all. I will give her the amount I would have spent on an 'actual' gift, in a really nice card in which I will write a nice message to say how happy I am for her. I don't see how that's somehow less valid than me spending the same amount of money on towels.

But how much? How much should I contribute to a honeymoon fund?

I always give money anyway but I loathe the begging poems in the invitation.

Had 2 equally bad one recently and one was just for a night do

That's impossible to answer for a set amount because it depends on how much money you have, what relation you are to the couple, and how much you like them :o I tend to give the same amount I would have been willing to spend on a present for the couple in question. If anyone thinks it's not enough, they're the ones with a problem, not me.

I felt rude asking for anything when I got married. I kept getting people asking me what I wanted and felt rude saying gifts or money.

When I got married people asked what I wanted I said a pint on the wedding day < classy> but I was shocked about the amount of gifts and money we had.

It doesn't bother me at all. I find requests for cash much easier than having to try to find something to suit two people's tastes that they probably don't bloody want.

"The polite thing to do if you don't want 'stuff' is to say "no boxed gifts", people can then either take that as 'no gifts' or 'cash or gift vouchers' - but you're not directly asking for money."

this really, really isn't the polite thing to do.

the polite thing to do is not to mention gifts at all. no gift list, no poems, no bank details (have only ever heard of this one on mn!).

as a guest the polite thing to do is give a gift. i always give money (am irish - it's standard) so don't even bother to ask. however if i did want a suggestion on what to give i would ask either the couple or the bride's parents - depending on who the invitation was from.

when we got married we got mainly cash gifts (again, am irish so 'tis the norm) with a few gifts (not all to our taste but appreciated nonetheless) and a few guests gave nothing.

and yes, of course i kept track of who gave us what - if i hadn't then i wouldn't have been able to write the thank you cards.

personally i don't mind people having wedding gift lists or asking for money as a gift (but hate cringey poems!). however i wouldn't ever ask for anything myself.

there is also no way i would go to a wedding, or any other party, with my 'hands hanging'.

well yes, it is politer to say nothing, but then people will still buy you stuff (we got a particularly fetching leather tea tray). While in Ireland it's normal to give cash unless there's a list, the norm in most of the UK is if nothing is mentioned people will use their own imagination - if you have a house full of stuff already people won't buy you anything practical because you've probably already got it, so they'll get you either tea towels (if the guest is elderly) or vases/picture frames/an object for display of some sort - if you are really lucky, you'll get beach towels. I do know someone who got his 'n' hers matching slippers. In the wrong sizes.

Shocked at some of the comments so far. Gifts are traditional. I don't care how much the bride / groom earns, I would be a bit at someone who thought it was socially acceptable not to give a wedding gift just because the couple are established/well off/better off than you.

Of course the couple shouldn't expect people to give what they cannot afford, but it's a bit of a snub if you work hard or get married a little older to be effectively shown that they're less 'deserving' of a thoughtful gift from their family and friends than a a younger / poorer couple.

Don't see anything wrong with cash per se, though personally I know some people are uncomfortable with it, so if it were me, I might have a small well-chosen wedding list with cheaper gifts (nobody has everything they need / want surely?) as an alternative.

Bit different if the guests are spending a lot to get there. Also bit different if the couple have been previously divorced (though I have and would still take a gift).

No matter how thoughtfully, politely, whatever the request for cash is made it always comes out sounding (to me) like:

We already have lots of trash
Please would you just send your cash

I think cash will be the norm and it just takes some time for people to come up with an attractive way of asking for it

I'd generally give money - as ceres said, that's the norm in Ireland and there are standard amounts so it's easy enough to get it right.

However, I do think it's a bit much for people to expect gifts from anyone who has to travel overseas to attend. If, for example, you were having a wedding in Rome, I think it's obscene to ask people to attend and give a gift. So often, people get caught up in their own lives and forget to consider other people.

It is a cultural thing and of course I would go along with the culture of the bride and groom. If the culture was to give cash or cheques then I would happily go along with this.

Weddings in England seem to have got bigger and more showy offy and less reflecting of the individuals and families involved. The wedding is fairytale and the cash seems to be the ticket price for the Disney kingdom.

The thing about cash is there is absolutely NO ambivalence about how much has been spent. With a gift, you can spend very little and still look like you've thought about the couple (the WHOLE POINT of a gift - you know, it's the thought that counts?) and given to them.

With cash, you're marked out straight away by how much you could afford, and in some cases pushed if you feel like what you could afford wasn't very much. People often contribute more than they can afford, because let's face it, a fiver or a tenner is a really crap, embarrassing gift.

This is why cash is crass and awkward.

I give it when asked. I'd never go empty-handed and if the happy couple want cash, they get cash.

But the whole expectation around gifts, which is inherent in a gift list and the whole cash thing is anathema to me. Again, totally my upbringing! Talking about money, expecting cash, how much one earns, how much your house cost - you just don't talk about it. Asking for money is, I guess, akin to begging for me. Grim. I don't need to ask for money.

The reason this only comes up on MN as an issue for some people is because they have clearly had different upbringings and mix with similar people. Well, now you realise that lots of other people do things differetly!

And specifying no 'boxed gifts' is really, really not the correct way to do anything. This is just a ludicrously twee way of asking for money - everyone can see exactly what you're doing.

The towels and the carving knife made me giggle, if you're setting up home together a list of reasonably priced items to set you up is ok. But I do agree with a previous poster that if you can't afford to furnish yourself with essentials why spend so much on a wedding! Even a cheapie wedding can cost a fair few toasters, I was shocked at registrar fees.

Weddings are so expensive now for guests. We're marrying soon and we can't afford to pay for a hotel room for all our guests so we're requesting "No presents, just your presence!".

Asking for cash is tactless, in my opinion, but YANBU as you are entitled to your opinion. :o

A wedding I went to asked for donations to Oxfam - wonderful idea