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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to say if you want money for your wedding presents good on you

92 replies

CreamolaFoamless · 29/04/2012 12:49

If just read a couple of threads here that go 'oh they asked for money' how bad and evil are they

I seriously got around 19,000 towels and 7 electric carving knives at my wedding....what was I ment to do with them?

Saying 'no gifts' is not a direct insult towards you it's more a 'I've got enough shit in my life don't buy me anymore unnessarcy presents that I woill not not know what to do wit'

OP posts:

tittytittyhanghang · 29/04/2012 13:20

YANBU. Tbh it is only on mn that i see people griping about this. Everyone I know in rl thinks this is the sensible option. Personally I think giving someone a present that YOU as giver would like, regardless of what the recipient needs/wants/asks for is extremely selfish and pretty pointless.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 29/04/2012 13:22

I think asking for money is horrible. If you don't need lots of sheets and towels and photo frames and glassware then say nothing. But don't ask for money instead of what your guests might want to give you. Ime, if you say nothing you get given a fair amount of money anyway.

And if you are genuine when you say you don't need anything, then suggest a donation to a charity that means something to you.

Thumbwitch · 29/04/2012 13:23

SOME people feel embarrassed to go to a wedding without taking a present of some kind. I'd far rather give the couple something I know they will find useful than something I think is appropriate (in my arrogance) - and if that happens to be money to help them out with whatever, then that's what they'll get.

I also infinitely prefer it if people TELL you in the wedding invitations what their preference is so that I DON'T have to waste everybody's time phoning them to find out what they would like and going through the whole "oh you don't have to get us anything" "but I'd like to" "oh well just whatever you feel like then" "but I really haven't a clue, what would you like" "Oh nothing, really, it's not important" - it's just ridiculous! I would be appalled at myself if I went to a wedding with no gift - a product of MY upbringing, no doubt.

MrsHeffley · 29/04/2012 13:23

I think the etiquette should be no presents,attending is a gift.

To use ecology as an excuse to dictate what presents you get makes me very .

BobbysBeardOfWonder · 29/04/2012 13:24

I find it when couples that have been living together for at least a few years have a huge JL gift list that includes complete tableware set, complete glassware set, complete cutlery set...
It just seems a bit grabby to ask for stuff like this when they clearly have it all already. One plate = £40

I had a big Greek wedding and had money pinned to my dress. Tis the Greek way - the English guests mostly joined in, others gave vouchers for stuff. Nothing was expected though.

FreshwaterPlimpies · 29/04/2012 13:25

It is the sensible option.. but I think it depends on the couple and on how it's done. Don't mind giving money to the young couple on a combined income of under £20,000 having a very budget wedding, who write 'Please, no gifts, but if you would really like to, money would be gratefully received.'
Not as happy with people on relatively large salaries asking the same.. (possibly because I'll have to give more to make the same impact:o)

Original poster

CreamolaFoamless · 29/04/2012 13:25

I don't think you get to dictate what guests buy you.

I give what I want to give. Anybody who has a problem with that would no longer be a friend.

lol @ Mrseffley it's your way or the highway

OP posts:

DaddyPigsSecretAdmirer · 29/04/2012 13:27

Thanks creamola :)

Everyone I've ever met in real life thinks this is a good option. All posters that disapprove-I don't quite understand why making life easier for people is a bad thing- when I go to a wedding I want to get the couple something. Something they want. If that means contributing to the holiday of a lifetime then good for them. What would they DO with two hundred champagne flutes??

I don't mind if some guests are struggling and get us nothing-we've also been in that position and I have made it very clear that their attendance is what is really important to us!

TallyMeBanana · 29/04/2012 13:28

A good friend of mine is getting married this year, she has sent the invites out with a little card about wedding presents.
They have been living together for years so have everything they need, a rather clever and funny poem on the card asks the guests to give money towards a honeymoon rather than gifts. (It also states that this is optional)

I thought it was a great idea!

ballroompink · 29/04/2012 13:31

YANBU, however I think it depends on the situation of the couple. Like some people have said, it does seem grabby when the couple are a) loaded or b) have been living together for a long time and have a lot of 'nice stuff' already.

I got married pretty young, just a year after we'd both finished uni. Didn't live together beforehand, didn't own any household stuff, both of us were on little more than minimum wage. In years gone by, my mum had been shocked and appalled by the idea of wedding lists, but we had one at John Lewis and gave people the option of buying off the list, or giving us vouchers, if they wanted to. We really did need/want a kettle, towels, etc.

On the other hand, she was still very tight lipped when my cousin got married and asked for money towards the honeymoon.

garageflower · 29/04/2012 13:31

I don't get it. You get invited to a wedding; you know the tradition is to buy a gift. We are all aware of the tradition, as are bride and groom, so why does it matter if they ask for money rather than spending the same amount on something they're not arsed about?? Plus, we all have busy lives; to me It's a favour when someone eliminates the decision aspect.

Aren't there more worthwhile j

garageflower · 29/04/2012 13:31

Ooops ... things to be offended at?

MrsHeffley · 29/04/2012 13:33

Op yes it is my way or the highway when it comes to expecting me to shell out a shed load of cash I don't have on attending a wedding then expect to be able to dictate a present on top.

Thankfully none of my friends or family feel any different to me on this issue,to be frank if they did we wouldn't be friends as they wouldn't be my type.

AKMD · 29/04/2012 13:39

YANBU, I really don't understand why people on MN get so huffy about wedding presents. No one I know in RL thinks it is odd to have a gift list with the invitation and I couldn't care less if the couple asks for:

something from a gift list
cash
vouchers
a potluck dish to eat at the reception

You do hear some outrageous stories of gift lists where nothing costs less than £100 or there is a 'minimum cash donation' or one on here recently where the guests had to pay for their own meals AND the wedding party's meals and accommodation, but those are extreme examples of grasping people taking the mick and I wouldn't be attending their wedding anyway.

Anyone who doesn't say explicitly what they want either gets a tent (!) or £10 in a card, depending on how close it is to pay day when I remember to sort out a present :)

D0G · 29/04/2012 13:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TalHotBlond · 29/04/2012 13:46

Gifts are for the benefit of the recipient not the giver. Gifts are for the benefit of the recipient not the giver. Gifts are...

Just give them what they want. It's not really a big deal is it?

tittytittyhanghang · 29/04/2012 13:50

Gifts are for the benefit of the recipient not the giver

Exactly.

GnomeDePlume · 29/04/2012 13:52

I think this is one of those things which depends on stage in life, both bride and groom's and also my own.

When we were young and getting married as were our friends we were setting up proper homes for the first time. We had nothing so were grateful for every mismatched towel, place mat etc etc.

Now nephews and nieces are getting older we are happy to be generous with 'homemaking' gifts whether for Christmas or in the weddings which will no doubt be starting to come along.

What makes my teeth itch are the invitations where the couple have already got a home together, need for nothing and are asking for holiday vouchers having included said request with a trite little rhyme in the invitation.

Having gifts at a wedding is not a matter of right. It is about the older generation and friends & family helping a new couple get a good start in their married life.

MarySA · 29/04/2012 14:20

Well I think it's cheeky to ask for money unless the guest offers money or a present. And to say what you want as a present before you are even asked isn't good either. And as for a note in with the invitations. I'd think that was really cheeky.

cory · 29/04/2012 14:26

The problem with money is that if you happen to be hard up you can't compensate by putting thought into the gift. Money always looks the same: there is not getting round that £5 is less than £50; there is nothing you can do to compensate. But if you are the kind of bride that genuinely could make me feel good about turning up with a £5 cheque when everybody else brings £200, then I suppose that's ok. But how are you going to do that?

Having been married for nearly 20 years, I find surplus towels was less of a problem than I thought: they wear out. I probably have enough to last me a lifetime- having added the clear-out from MILs house, but then again that is going to be the quantity required. And I have hated our poorer guests to be made to think about their poverty on our wedding day, when they should have been having a good time. I would have been worried about people spending more than they could afford.

Original poster

CreamolaFoamless · 29/04/2012 14:37

I do think as well that some people here should remember that they can just not go to the wedding if it is costing you ££££££'s in travel and accomodation

If bride and groom just want hard currency what is the problem?

OP posts:

BarredfromhavingStella · 29/04/2012 14:39

Can't believe how disapproving some people are of this subject. You are all aware that it costs the happy couple for them to share the special day with you?-meals/buffets wedding favours, entertainment, champagne etc aren't free.

Who goes to a wedding empty handed?-Very bad form

BeaOnSea · 29/04/2012 14:40

The same could be said for wedding lists though cory.

In my experience, the list used to range from items costing a couple of quid to vast amounts of money. Some guests will only be able to afford the things from the bottom of the list.

I do think there is an issue nowadays though (as a few posters have mentioned) about the actual cost of attending the wedding as they tend to be further afield - which involves transport and accommodation and possibly childminding costs.

Anybody planning a wedding should take into consideration how difficult it might be for some of their guests to find the money to attend when deciding on a venue.

Original poster

CreamolaFoamless · 29/04/2012 14:44

just don't go if you cant afford it

OP posts:

startail · 29/04/2012 14:45

In these hectic times, I can't think of any better gift to give than money towards a holiday. Whether a honeymoon for a couple or a family holiday for a couple with DCs.

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