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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to tell this woman she is a backstabbing cow?

94 replies

Megatron · 29/04/2012 11:33

I have a friend, a very lovely friend actually. She would do anything for anyone, helps a lot of people out, visits the elderly in our village and gets shopping for them etc. She has two children of her own (8 and 5) and helps at the school too. She is very active in the church and school and I have long since suspected that she gets taken advantage of sometimes but her thoughts on that are that she does it because she wants to and it doesn't really bother her. I wish I could be more like her but I'm too selfish and not nearly as nice as she is.

Now here is my gripe. Another mum at school really does not like her at all, which is fine, I don't like everyone either. What has really pissed me off is that she is making snitty comments to all and sundry about how my friend 'can't be that bloody nice', 'is just an ingratiating pleb' and 'needs to sort out her weight and looks' double . This is the woman who will smile sweetly to her face as she asks her to pick up her children for her. My friend genuinely thinks she is a nice person.

I heard all this at a quiz night last night and though I am normally a total wimp and hate confrontation, I'm afraid I let her have it with both barrels. Have had a text from her this morning to tell me how upset she is and can't believe I was so mean to her (god, is she 12?). I have ignored it. So my question is this.... am I a horrible cow or was this a good time for me to, at last, grow a pair?

OP posts:

BBQJuly · 29/04/2012 15:09

YANBU. Well done! And yes, tell your friend.

Thumbwitch · 29/04/2012 15:10

I doubt she'll try and talk to you, tbh - you're more likely to be ignored or glared at - but if she does, just be civil and walk on. No need to be rude to her - don't give her any ammunition that she can potentially use against you in the future.

exexe · 29/04/2012 15:10

Great response to her text. I think you should tell your friend too.
I would absolutely want to know if I was doing favours for someone who I thought was a friend but was really bitching about me behind my back.

BagofHolly · 29/04/2012 15:11

Cor, good on you! If you get any nonsense from her (and by the sounds of it you will) you could catch each of your mutual acquaintances individually and speak to them "confidentially" about how upsetting this has been but that you "don't want any trouble, shes been told off now so please don't say anything" and I've told you about this but no one else" etc which should ensure that this cowbag is outed for the bitch she is. Mwah ha ha!

cornsyilk · 29/04/2012 15:19

Well done op!

SauvignonBlanche · 29/04/2012 15:26

Well done, I'd talk to your friend though, in case she hears about it through other means.

roundtable · 29/04/2012 15:32

Well done op, there should be more people like you to get rid of the mean minded pettiness that some people can't seem to help having.

WhereYouLeftIt · 29/04/2012 15:51

Yes, let your nice friend know what has happened, she will undoubtedly hear about the incident and needs a truthful version of events. BackstabbingCow is unlikely to waylay you on the school run, but if she tries anything just fix her with an unblinking stare and ask if she has apologised for her behaviour to NiceFriend yet. That should throw her. Generally these types can't handle being called on their behaviour.

WhereYouLeftIt · 29/04/2012 15:52

"which of your faces am I talking to,the one who asks for favours or the one that bitches?"

ChasedByBees · 29/04/2012 16:25

Well done OP! You sound like a lovely friend. :)

SundaeGirl · 29/04/2012 16:49

I don't think you should tell your friend. If she's as nice as you say she might actually feel sorry for the cow and it could come back on you. Plus, your nice friend might feel embarrassed at being used by the cow. I doubt the cow will mention it to her or anyone else.

WhereYouLeftIt · 29/04/2012 17:59

But this happened at a (?school?) quiz night - there must have been witnesses. I would expect it to spread like wildfire. BackstabbingCow might not want to mention it, but somebody will.

cornsyilk · 29/04/2012 18:02

But maybe backstabbing cow will try to twist it when she sees your friend?

BBQJuly · 29/04/2012 18:07

Agree - your friend will wonder what on earth is going on if she gets strange looks from people. It's not fair on her to keep her in the dark about something which concerns her.

redwineformethanks · 29/04/2012 18:13

I wouldn't tell your friend. If she hears of it, I'd say it's best if she hears from someone else that X was criticising her, but her lovely friend Megatron stood up for her. If you tell her, then you will be the one who tells her that X slags her off, and she may not thank you for telling her that.

ShotgunNotDoingThePans · 29/04/2012 18:27

I'm not sure I think you should tell the friend either. I always think, if what you're telling the person could hurt them, it's best not to tell them if you can possibly avoid it (depends on the severity of the situation, obvs).

And it's another way of gaining moral high ground; if this woman carries on taking the piss and asking for favours, you can quietly observe and feel superior - maybe raise an eyebrow. Plus she won't know how much you've told your friend, which will keep her insecure and might make her think twice about her behaviour in future.

tallwivglasses · 29/04/2012 18:29

If she ambushes you tomorrow, ask her if she's come to tell you she's going to apologise to your friend.

(well done by the way)

HecateTrivia · 29/04/2012 19:40

I would tell your friend, and I'll tell you why.

I know this type of person. This type of person is likely going to go on the offensive. In order to protect herself and her bitchy ways, she's going to be looking to rewrite the argument and make you the bad guy. She's not going to do the dignified thing and keep it between you, or god forbid take a good long look at herself!

So she's likely to try to turn it round to you being horrible, perhaps even you saying things.

So I would get in there first and make sure she doesn't have the chance to do that.

She's got more to lose than you do. The last thing she wants is for you to be believed. She'll want to be the innocent victim of your bitchyness.

cornsyilk · 29/04/2012 19:43

I agree with Hecate- she'll twist it

FartBlossom · 29/04/2012 19:47

Good luck tomorrow OP. Let us know how you go.

Well done BTW.

FruitPastillesForever · 29/04/2012 19:49

Just wanted to say, agree with your actions entirely.

Pandemoniaa · 29/04/2012 19:56

Well done. I don't think you should tell your friend, however. It drags her down into the viperous web that the Backstabbing Cow is weaving. Also, my experience of people like that suggests that somehow or another, she'll attempt to come up roses by twisting the situation and letting it be known that you are some sort of bad friend. Which would be hugely unfair on you and your nice friend.

I'm betting that if you stand your ground but keep a dignified silence, the BC will retreat into her lair rather than confront you. People like this are cowards.

thebody · 29/04/2012 19:58

To be quite honest I think you all need to grow up! My 13 year old dd wouldn't act like this!!

Rise above, support your friends and remember all of u have actually left school!!!!

Shenanagins · 29/04/2012 20:11

I would mention to your friend that there has been some words between you and the other person in case the nasty one tries to turn it round on you - whether you go into details depends on your relationship with her.

WheresMrMonkey · 29/04/2012 20:12

I think that's brilliant!!! Wish I was so brave

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