AIBU to be a bit upset that my Mum doesnt want my Dad to help us

[PinkPanther27]

OK I'll try not to rant. I've got 5 weeks to go till due date and have worked myself into a frenzied panic today about what isnt ready yet for the baby's arrival. I've got severe SPD as well so find it really frustrating not being able to do much. We've managed to paint the nursery but haven't put the flat pack nursery furniture up yet. I had a go at trying to assemble the changing unit earlier which took me ages as I had to be very careful not to twist, bend, lift a heavy weight etc and failed miserably. It looks like its gonna collapse (in fact it does if you lean on it!) and is wonky. I then started freaking out about not ahving the chest of drawers assembled to put her clothes in and not being able to sort out what other clothes I might still need to buy.
In desperation I rang my Dad to ask if he was working over this way anytime in the next few days and if he could help my husband assemble the chest of drawers (husband said he would do it this weekend but I've realised that he is out all day Saturday and we are at a Christening all day Sunday). We also have our 3 yr old and tbh my husband has history for promising to do stuff and then not doing it which really stresses me out so I couldnt see it happening any time soon. My Dad was great and said he'd come tonight straight after work which made me feel really guilty for asking him but also reduced my stress levels considerably!

I then phoned my Mum and spoke to her and mentioned that he was coming over and she sounded really pi**ed off. I expected this as she always tells me that he's too busy to do things - I offered to pay his hourly rate to paint our lounge a few weeks ago but she said he wouldnt want to do it as he doesnt like painting and when I've asked her about him helping do things like adjust the TV ariel etc she's never got back to me. Therefore I very rarely ask unless I'm desperate.
Anyway the point I guess Im trying to make is that I've realised that its not him, its her - her reaction on the phone was v obvious, she didnt try to hide her irritation and sugegsted that I should carry the pieces of wood up the stairs one by one and get on with it. I pointed out (as I hate being dependent on others) that I had tried to lift the pieces one by one but they were too heavy for me - I couldnt physically lift them. AIBU to ask my Dad for help and to feel upset that she's so against it. I ask them to babysit about 2-3 times a year and we have to be back by 10-10:30pm and other than that I dont see them unless I make the effort to visit them (which I do - otherwise we wouldnt see them). My inlaws on the other hand are always doing stuff and visiting but live nearly 200 miles away!!

YANBU, your dad sounds lovely though - hope he's still coming and you get it all sorted and your DH pulls his finger out - you don't need stress at this stage in the game

Where us your do all day Saturday? Does your mum think your do should pull his weight more?

YANBU, but your mum is a bit of a cow. Angry on your behalf!

If your dad, perfectly naturally, wants to do a nice thing for his dd then it's up to him to decide - and deal with your mum!

Don't stress at this stage. However, in future-just bypass your mother completely. Speak to your dad directly and ask for help as necessary-it's for him to say yes or no. Don't regale your mother with arrangements you have with your dad-again, if he wants to mention it to her, he will.

It keeps things simpler. And means she is less likely to be able to put spanners in the works.

My DH is also very busy(shift work) and not terribly practical (tho nor am I, tbh) I got so frustrated in the late stages of my pregnancy with DD when I was in "nesting" mode, that I paid a handy man his mother uses to paint the nursery and do some minor, outstanding repairs to the home-I bypassed DH and just organised it. He was miffed, but I told him I was no longer prepared to keep asking him, and I would either do it myself (eg I bumped a mahoosive old telly down the stairs from the spare room to the garage) or outsource.

I don't think it's unreasonable to ask for help, but in general don't panic! The baby won't care a snap if it has a changing unit and a painted nursery. As long as you have somewhere for it to sleep and a few babygros and nappies, you are as prepared as you need to be. Don't get stressed about it, you've got bags of time.

Thanks, my Mum's not a cow - feel bad for ranting about her, but I am a bit disappointed, especially as my in laws do absolutely loads for us. My dh should be more pro-active and get stuff ready (however he does have a serious lung disease so dont wanna push him too much either) and perhaps thats what she's thinking but I also think its partly cos she cant be bothered. I had thought it was both of them but having phoned my Dad directly and seen his response I've realised its not! I've always felt like I'm really putting them out when I have asked for help though.

Dropdeadfred - my dh plays football on Saturdays but is out most of the day as he goes to his mates, they get picked up, go to the pub afterwards etc - I dont mind so much as he v rarely goes out other than football and this is his last Sat game this season.

PS when I spoke to my Mum about painting the lounge she sugegsted a apinter and said he would prob charge about £200 - said we couldnt afford this and we'd do it our ourselves at which point she was v critical and said I couldnt do it. I agreed that it wasnt ideal and I would struggle to help my dh but we had no choice. She also sounded v surprised on phone today that we didnt have everything ready for the baby and said we should have doen it by now - easier said than done. I guess I just feel a bit unsupported.
:(

Maybe that its not that she doesn't want your dad to help out but maybe she wants him to relax a bit, too. My dad works alot because there's mandatory overtime and my mom tries to not put alot of things in my dad's schedule because she wants him to sit down, de-stress, and relax. My dad is one who would be willing to help out in a flash if his kids or relatives need some handy work done.

My mom is forever complaining that he needs to not do so much and instead take a walk or ride his bike instead.

So maybe this is where your mother is coming from. Just because she won't conform to your time line, its not because she is a cow. Maybe she's just taking care of husband and his health.

Yes perhaps your mum think she would like to see more of her husband? I would ask her outright why she seemed pissed off about it

Well, your dad does sound lovely. OTOH, I can understand her being pissed off that you've asked him to help when your DH is playing football then getting pissed with his mates all day Saturday. If he has a serious illness I can understand why you don't want to push him - but if he 's well enough to play football for 90 minutes he certainly ought to be able to assemble a flatpack and wield a paintbrush.

Agree with mynewpassion -- does your dad find it hard to say no? And are there other family members who also ask him for these kinds of favours? Helping with some flat pack furniture is normal family stuff, but, to me, painting the lounge is probably non-urgent and quite a big time and energy commitment to ask for from someone with a job. I'm 36 weeks with SPD so I do understand your frustration at not being able to do stuff yourself, but I don't think your mum is necessarily being unreasonable.

I know she does worry about him and thats part of it. I also know that she wants to spend all her time with him cos she will never arrange to see me when he's at home. I worry about my Dad too though and hate asking him which is why i offer to pay him and do it in his time.

I've got to be honest, I'd be pissed off if my DH was asked to help someone out while their own DH played football. Fair enough if your DH was working or something, but he's not. It's not even like you're just asking your dad to help him- your dad is doing it because your DH can't be arsed. Perhaps your mum is annoyed for youn rather than at you?

And it really REALLY won't matter if the drawers aren't assembled before your baby comes. Piling on the stress (onto yourself and the rest of your family) because it can't be done this weekend is pointless, all the more so since the reason your DH can't sort it out is that you are busy with social and fun things.

Maybe your Mum thinks that as you are an adult couple without disabilities (?) and have a lot of help from your in-laws, that you really shouldn't need extra "help" from your parents.

It is 5 weeks to your due date. No need for him to drop everything and come round tonight or this weekend.

And, if this weekend is you DH's last football game, he has a couple more Saturdays and weeknights to assemble the chest of drawers. You can always wait to have the lounge painted when its warmer and you can open up all the windows.

Or have a painting party. Invite a couple of DH's mates, your dad, and FIL over and have a small BBQ or provide them with pizza and beer to thank them for painting the lounge. That's what my friend did when she wanted her living room and dining room painted.

I don't see the problem in a daughter simply asking her father for a little help?! Christ, I hope I don't resent my husband giving our daughter a helping hand when she's older!!

Its the concept of adults needing help from their parents that is just ... alien to me, I guess.

I have never lived close enough to my parents to have any help at all from them, and I've not had any financial help either. I've never expected it to be honest! Its one of those areas where Mumsnet has been an education to me as I hardly know anyone who lives very close to their parents.

When I am an adult I probably will be a bit if my grown up children ring me up because they want their Ikea furniture put together - I'd hope I could bring them up to be a bit more self-sufficient and capable than that.

Sorry love, to me, your mum has ishoos.

Well, I for one would be perfectly fine if my son or daughter asked me to help them. I do find it strange how someone wouldn't, to be honest. As if my parents or in laws needed ours- we tend to help each other in our family

Yeah, its just asking for a little help but its things that doesn't need done immediately and for which her husband can do in the next few days and week.

The OP said that she is worried about her father's health too, then don't push him to get it done immediately like tonight. Why not ask him and your mom to come over on Saturday morning to assemble the drawers and then take them out to lunch as a thank you?

There is ways of doing things that will not stress her and let her dad have some relaxation time after work.

yanbu to need help in your situation, but your dh is being unreasonable swanning off with mates all day when he could be helping his own dw and preparing for the arrival of his baby, rather than expecting his FIL to do it for him. Its dh's responsibility - isn't he embarrassed that you had to ask your dad to step in and do his job for him so he could carry on with his jolly? Especially bad if your dad's still working, why should he gve up his weekend for the baby when it's dad won't? If I was your mum I'd be annoyed too.

eek am on MIL's side and agree withInertia if your dh is fit enough to play footie then he can paint . Is your dh at all concerned for the stress you are under?

Your mum sounds a little odd TBH.

Ask her why she never wants him to help you out and why you're not to go around when he is there. Maybe you will find out the answer. Does your dad know that she only wants to see you when he is not there?