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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be a bit upset that my Mum doesnt want my Dad to help us

66 replies

PinkPanther27 · 27/04/2012 15:22

OK I'll try not to rant. I've got 5 weeks to go till due date and have worked myself into a frenzied panic today about what isnt ready yet for the baby's arrival. I've got severe SPD as well so find it really frustrating not being able to do much. We've managed to paint the nursery but haven't put the flat pack nursery furniture up yet. I had a go at trying to assemble the changing unit earlier which took me ages as I had to be very careful not to twist, bend, lift a heavy weight etc and failed miserably. It looks like its gonna collapse (in fact it does if you lean on it!) and is wonky. I then started freaking out about not ahving the chest of drawers assembled to put her clothes in and not being able to sort out what other clothes I might still need to buy.
In desperation I rang my Dad to ask if he was working over this way anytime in the next few days and if he could help my husband assemble the chest of drawers (husband said he would do it this weekend but I've realised that he is out all day Saturday and we are at a Christening all day Sunday). We also have our 3 yr old and tbh my husband has history for promising to do stuff and then not doing it which really stresses me out so I couldnt see it happening any time soon. My Dad was great and said he'd come tonight straight after work which made me feel really guilty for asking him but also reduced my stress levels considerably!

I then phoned my Mum and spoke to her and mentioned that he was coming over and she sounded really pi**ed off. I expected this as she always tells me that he's too busy to do things - I offered to pay his hourly rate to paint our lounge a few weeks ago but she said he wouldnt want to do it as he doesnt like painting and when I've asked her about him helping do things like adjust the TV ariel etc she's never got back to me. Therefore I very rarely ask unless I'm desperate.
Anyway the point I guess Im trying to make is that I've realised that its not him, its her - her reaction on the phone was v obvious, she didnt try to hide her irritation and sugegsted that I should carry the pieces of wood up the stairs one by one and get on with it. I pointed out (as I hate being dependent on others) that I had tried to lift the pieces one by one but they were too heavy for me - I couldnt physically lift them. AIBU to ask my Dad for help and to feel upset that she's so against it. I ask them to babysit about 2-3 times a year and we have to be back by 10-10:30pm and other than that I dont see them unless I make the effort to visit them (which I do - otherwise we wouldnt see them). My inlaws on the other hand are always doing stuff and visiting but live nearly 200 miles away!!

OP posts:

AThingInYourLife · 27/04/2012 16:51

"I've got to be honest, I'd be pissed off if my DH was asked to help someone out while their own DH played football. Fair enough if your DH was working or something, but he's not. It's not even like you're just asking your dad to help him- your dad is doing it because your DH can't be arsed."

Quite right.

Why do you think it is fair to ask your Dad to help you out with something because your husband won't do it?

You don't need his help, you need your husband to do his bit but instead of asking him you're putting the burden on your Dad instead.

SardineQueen · 27/04/2012 16:51

That aside there is no rush on the drawers and you and your DH can do them at any time in the next few weeks.

TripleRock · 27/04/2012 16:59

I hope my DH would be gutted if I'd had to get my Dad over in a panic to help me get stuff ready for a new baby because he hadn't got round to it/couldn't be arsed/was playing football, (delete as appropriate)

I'd be more pissed off with your DH if I was you. Even if you are stressing unnecessarily, the fact is, if it's bothering you he should crack on and get it done

crunchbag · 27/04/2012 17:06

Why can't your husband do it tonight after work? Agree it sounds like your mum is just hacked off because it sounds like your DH is not pulling his weight.

WetAugust · 27/04/2012 17:13

YABU

It's your DH you should be pissed off with.

A baby can actually survive without a chest of drawers etc

I've put up flatpack chest of drawers, kitchen units and even wardrobes on my own so your DH could too - if he bothered to try.

Having said that it is horrible to feel so helpless towards the end of a pg.

DPrince · 27/04/2012 17:28

I would have no problem with dh helping dd. I would however have a problem if it was down to the fact her dh is off having a day out. if your dh's lung condition is so bad he shouldn't be playing football and going out on the piss, tbh. I bet your mum is annoyed that you have asked your dad, your dad won't say no and he has been working and she wants to spend fine with him and him go get rest. Plus the fact that if doesn't need to be done this weekend. If it had to be done this weekend surely your dh should be doing it. Sorry if I sound harsh, but its not fair saying it must be done now but dh won't cancel his plans so your dad is doing it around work. Even if your paying him.

whitewhitewine · 27/04/2012 17:32

I do agree that the OP's husband should be doing it. But how is helping your daughter with a little job a burden? I just don't get this

whitewhitewine · 27/04/2012 17:37

For those saying the mother could be annoyed as she wants to spend time with her husband after work- the OP has already said she hardly asks for anything so it's hardly a regular occurance. I would love to see people's responses if it was a mother asking for her son's help and his wife was on here moaning about it!

bibbitybobbitybunny · 27/04/2012 17:38

Well you can't really separate the two issues in this instance whitewhitewine. The fact that the dh could be doing it is probably what is annoying the dmum.

PurpleRomanesco · 27/04/2012 17:42

Tell you DH to pull his finger out. He will never "get round do doing things" if everyone else does them for him.

Like hell I would let my DH do something because my son in law couldn't be arsed.

Harleyband · 27/04/2012 17:45

Tell your husband that he can't go to the pub after footie on Saturday because you're using the beer money to pay a handyman to put together the baby's furniture. He might just get around to doing it then.

ohgawd · 27/04/2012 17:57

What's your m's problem? Does she think you dh should do it? You sound hurt and I don't blame you. YANBU.

Its nice for your dad to want to help you. By pass your m from now on and don't visit her.

Only thing is, why are you bothering with the nursery now? The baby won't go in there for at least 6 months, non?

lisaro · 27/04/2012 17:57

Maybe your mum thinks you're either a drama queen (frenzied panic) or taking the piss. Probably both. There's no reason why your husband can't do any of those things i8n the five weeks - hell a weekend would do it. I know you're pregnant and have hormones everywhere but you sound very entitled.

ohgawd · 27/04/2012 18:00

Harsh lis I don't think you sound entitled at all op, just sad about your m.

Mayisout · 27/04/2012 18:07

Why did you phone your mum straight after the arrangements were made and make a point of telling her something that would illicit an unpleasant response.

Why do you phone her when you know she is a miserable old bat who doesn't want involved wiht her DD and DSIL.

Say lots of thanks to Dad and avoid DM in future. If you ignore her, in time she might come round to being more interested in you and your family, right now she is being martyred and unpleasant so I would stay away.

DPrince · 27/04/2012 18:10

I don't think the op sounds entitled, but maybe should rethink the situation.

crunchbag · 27/04/2012 18:22

I wouldn't be too impressed if my daughter asked her dad to come over after work to put together a set of drawers and then told me about her husband being away all Saturday playing football and all of them going to a christening the next day. DF has to give up free time but OP and her DH won't.

If OP had asked her dad to come over for a few hours on Saturday and do it together with DH then that would be different imo.

MumPaula · 27/04/2012 18:31

I think your Dh should miss a day of socializing and get some of the stuff done himself. Your Dad was willing to come after work, so your Dh needs to put in as much if not more effort for his own wife and child.
Your Mum could have gone about it in a better way though.
I hope I do better as a Grandmother and MIL one day.
My dh tends to over do it, and I know as a father would drag himself over to help his kids after working all day. He has been horribly ill and now is left with diminished lung capacity so tires easy, yet he's the one everyone calls, car fix, paint, household repairs, you name it. We have enough home repairs of our own to do, maybe you Mum has a list of things he hasn't got to for her to.

ImperialBlether · 27/04/2012 18:34

It sounds a really odd situation with your mum, tbh. Your dad sounds lovely.

However, I think it's up to your perfectly capable DH to do things like that. It's not fair that your dad, after working hard all day, should have to come and make up some furniture when your DH is free tomorrow to do it. I know he's playing football, but what's wrong with getting up at 8 am and spending a couple of hours making the chest of drawers then?

Having said that, I don't think your mum is annoyed because of your DH; she seems to be annoyed that her husband isn't with her. Why doesn't she just come along with him?

MooBaaWoofCheep · 27/04/2012 18:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PollyPants · 27/04/2012 18:43

i have never had parents who can help either but the older i can the more slightly envious i am of those can call on their dad especially for help

DPrince · 27/04/2012 18:49

But the dad wouldn't be needed if the dh would do it tomorrow. The op is asking her dad because her dh is busy. So yes, without saying it she is asking him to do it instead of the dh as the dh never gets round to it.

waltermittymissus · 27/04/2012 18:51

My dad helps us with stuff. So I don't think the concept is U. However, you don't want your dh doing too much because of his lung condition but he's going off to play football and to the pub? Meanwhile your dad is doing a day's work then coming around to do it because u

waltermittymissus · 27/04/2012 18:52

Oops sorry!

Anyway, because your dh is out playing football on Saturday and then youre all off out on Sunday? Can you see why she may be a bit naffed off in this instance?

Why can't your dh do it next weekend after his last match?

DPrince · 27/04/2012 19:02

The op rang her dad 'in desperation' asking if he was free the next few day. The dh is not free for the next few days. I can see why the dad is happy to help but also why her mum is miffed.

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