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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I'm pretty sure I am. Looking after a friend's child is driving me mad.

78 replies

beansmum · 27/04/2012 05:42

This is actually a pretty good friend, not best friends but I'd ask her to babysit if I needed someone, so I think I'm being a bit unreasonable.

My friend used to work 9-3 at a cafe, so no childcare problems. She applied for a promotion at which means she now starts at 7.30 each morning. After accepting the promotion she asked me if I would mind picking her son up from the cafe on my way to school each morning for a week or two until she trained someone else up to open in the mornings. That was absolutely fine.

Somehow this has turned into her son being dropped off at mine every morning before she starts work. I'm giving him breakfast and taking him to school and I have heard nothing about anyone else being trained to do the cafe opening. It's now 3 months after she started the new job.

I honestly (honestly) don't mind looking after this friend's son, but I mind not knowing how long this is going to go on for and I mind being taken for granted. As I would have agreed to looking after her boy every morning for the entire year if she'd actually asked me, should I just shut up and stop complaining (to myself and you, not to her)?

Or should I say something, try and figure out how long this is going to go on for, ask her to babysit a bit so I feel like the relationship is a bit less one-sided? Would it be unreasonable to ask her to provide breakfast, or milk, or something?

My current plan is to moan about the situation to anyone I can find to listen to me, in the hope that I'll eventually stop being a bitch and just get over it.

OP posts:

TheUnsinkableTitanic · 27/04/2012 05:48

what time is he dropped off at?

initial thoughts are YANBU

doormat · 27/04/2012 05:49

beansmum i think a lil chat about the childcare arrangements is deffo needed re how long, costs etc YANBU

revolutionconfirmed · 27/04/2012 05:52

Yanbu. I would ask her to babysitter once a month or two to make the relationship a little more fair too.

AThingInYourLife · 27/04/2012 05:52

YANBU - this is not what you agreed to, and it's very unfair of her to have changed the arrangement without agreeing.

You should just ask her how long she thinks the current arrangement is going to go on for, and then make some suggestions that make it a bit fairer - providing breakfast, doing some babysitting for you.

Why do you think you owe her this? You are doing her a big favour, and she has taken advantage of that by extending it so much without any recognition.

oohlordylordy · 27/04/2012 06:01

Before you say anything, work out what you want to happen.

You say you don't actually mind having her DS over, so don't start with that.
There is the food thing, or maybe you would like some recompense and or acknowledgement.

Why not start a conversation on a positive note like 'friend, this situation seems to be working pretty well so i think it's worth us agreeing a plan going forward' and then you ask for whatever you want / need to make this a bit more even.

TanteRose · 27/04/2012 06:04

"somehow it turned into her son being dropped off at mine every morning..."

you let it turn into this situation.

you need to remind her of her original request of picking him up from the cafe in the mornings. You need to say "this arrangement is not working for me" and tell her that you will be picking him up from the cafe next week as originally requested. Do not let her argue that you have done it for however long up to now, etc. etc. Just smile and repeat "this arrangement is no longer working for me. I will pick him up at the cafe on my way to school"

You need to get this sorted out soon, otherwise the summer holidays will be here and you will be minding this child all day, every day...

gafhyb · 27/04/2012 06:11

Yes, get it clear what you want. If you are happy to keep having him, then it is simply unfair to do so without payment, or payment in kind (babysitting).

I'm sorry to say, she is taking advantage of you. There's no way she doesn't know how much you are helping her ....

oohlordylordy · 27/04/2012 06:17

Ooh, yes. For no other reason get this sorted before the holidays. Good point, tanterose

ClaireCodd · 27/04/2012 06:26

If like me you dont feel comfortable being straight with you friend and saying "this is not working, or how long will this last". I would tell a little white lie. I would say that there maybe a chance in the near future you own work arrangements will be changing for a day/ week or so, and she may have to find an alternative arrangements. Hopefully this will kick start her to think about a pertinent solution or train this person faster.

CailinDana · 27/04/2012 07:07

Wow you are doing a lot for this person. There's no way on earth I would do this for someone without some sort of proper arrangement and at least some payment in kind. She is using you as free childcare, which means she was able to get a promotion and extra pay with no extra cost. Lucky her! If I could find a mug friend like you I'd be in the money :)

HecateTrivia · 27/04/2012 07:18

If you're not happy with it - and you're not. You feel taken advantage of - then change it.

Don't silently seethe, what good does that do?

Remind her that this was a temporary arrangement.

Tell her that you just can't afford to feed her son every day, or that you prefer to pick him up from the cafe and having him come to your house isn't working for you.

Ask her when she will be putting her permanent plans in place.

If you don't do something about a situation you're not happy about, then you can't really moan about it.

I am not saying that to be a cow, I'm really not. It's not meant as a "put up or shut up" sort of thing - it's just that it's ok to say that you're not happy about something. A friend wouldn't take the piss and if they had slipped into pisstaking territory because they were thoughtless - they'd care when you pointed it out and they'd change it.

It will affect your friendship if you don't address it, because you'll just end up more and more resentful about her seemingly taking the piss or being unappreciative or selfish, and eventually that's going to change how you feel about her.

WyrdMother · 27/04/2012 07:19

I've seen two of these arrangements spiral into HUGE resentment so...

Dear Friend, I'm happy to help when I can but this is not what you told me you would need and because I don't know what you might need or expect from me next I'm starting to worry about what this might be and that you may be relying on me for something I just can't do. So, please, tell me what you are going to need, I'll tell you what I can and am willing to do and what I will need from you to make it possible. Let's plan because flying by the seat of our pants just isn't work for me and our friendship is too important for us to let any uncertainty bugger it up.

Say it with a cheerfull smile if she's remotely a grownup then she shouldn't throw a wobbly which I guess is what you're worried about?

fedupofnamechanging · 27/04/2012 07:34

So, what will happen if your own child is sick and not going to school? Will she still expect you to take hers? Or if her child is a bit under the weather? Will she expect you to mind him while she goes to work?

I don't think you should commit to making this a permanent arrangement - you clearly do mind (and that is okay, no need to feel guilty) or you wouldn't be posting here. If you'd wanted to be a child minder, you would have registered as one, and would be making money from your business - the fact that you haven't done this, indicates that it is not something you want to do.

A true friend does not expect free child care for months on end. She is pretty much saying that because you don't work, your time is not valuable and it's okay for her to use you in this way and not even acknowledge it, let alone thank you!

Also agree with the poster who said you will get landed with holiday care if you are not careful.

In your position I would tell her that you are finding mornings a bit manic (you could even make up something about your own child feeling a bit resentful at sharing) and tell her that in future you will collect her child from the cafe, on days that your own child is going to school. remind her that there may be times when you cannot do this, so she would be better getting a CM.

I think you have to be a bit more direct with her or the friendship will be ruined anyway, because of her pisstaking and your natural resentment.

Jinsei · 27/04/2012 07:39

YANBU. If you want to avoid any confrontation, maybe just ask "how's the training going?" :) Ask if she has got someone ready to open up yet and make sympathetic noises if not.

Use that as a way into the conversation, and say something like "oh dear, looks like your childcare needs are going to be a bit more long term than you thought, then. I'm happy to help if I can, but obviously we'll need to talk about how we're going to make it work for both of us. What sort of arrangement do you think would work?

Hopefully she will realise at this point, and come up with some ideas, but if she suggests the status quo, you do need to be clear that it won't work long term. It sounds like you're happy to have her son over, but you shouldn't have to provide his breakfast for free every day!

Keep in mind that you can't accept actual payment unless you're a registered childminder. But you could accept something for the food, or payment in kind such as reciprocal babysitting.

JaxTellerIsMyFriend · 27/04/2012 07:48

you need to speak to your friend and ask what is happening?

She needs to have plans in place for when the child is ill/she is ill/holidays etc.

Dont be taken for a mug, but do help if you want to, but make sure it is what you want to do.

TrollopDollop · 27/04/2012 08:14

Yanbu. There are loads of great suggestions on how to tackle this. I was a SAHM and got into a similar situation. The person was an acquaintance rather than a friend though. I resented the whole set up and soon realised I was being take advantage on abstract pulled the plug. It never ceases to amaze me how many people saw me as there free childcare because I didn't work. My advice don't get involved unless all aspects are agreed up front and you are both getting something out of it.

TrollopDollop · 27/04/2012 08:15

Not sure where abstract came from! i phone.

scottishmummy · 27/04/2012 08:26

worrying is the open ended and ongoing nature of situation

shes not made any other arrangements as she expects you to do the childcare

i would have a word with the mum and give her notice 4-6weeks to find other long term,structured and suitable childcare.

this is nt a good long term arrangement at all, and not if it is detrimental to you

childcare is a transaction and need boundaries and clear understanding on both sides

as i said give her 4-6week to look for alternative childcare then stop

if she looks at loal notices, word of mouth ask other mums about CM. and ofsted site for reviews of nurseries

ImperialBlether · 27/04/2012 08:50

Babysit once a month? When the OP is minding her child for 7.5 hours per week? It's easier to babysit in the evening anyway, once the kids are in bed. Having another child there first thing in the morning can be a nightmare. I wouldn't want to do it and she shouldn't expect it - that's what would annoy me.

takeonboard · 27/04/2012 09:03

YANBU
What did she do over the Easter holidays?
What the hell will she do over summer?
You need to speak to her, remind her of what she first asked and what you agreed to do, then tell her how you feel. You need to think about what you would like from this situation - carry on looking after the child but be paid, stop looking after the child, only twice a week etc etc
Then outline clearly what you want, as up to now she has had it exactly how she wants and assumed you will fall into line with her plan - which you have!!

IDontDoIroning · 27/04/2012 09:10

Why should she sort it out? It's very convenient for her. She's already changed the arrangement to dropping him off at yours from you picking him up. Thus incurring you in giving him breakfast (considering shes working in a cafe she should know how much a breakfast 5 days a week costs!!) and managing your dc and him and you've said nothing.
What if your child was ill or you have a change of plans one morning.

It's one thing to walk a child to school as you pass someone's door - you are already on your way all the dc are fed dressed ready etc. It's another to dress and feed your dc get shoes pe kits book bags coats on and out the door without having another one to do too.

You are being taken for granted and if you need to say something soon.
She either needs to stick to her original plan which was train someone to do the early mornings or organise proper paid childcare.

thisisyesterday · 27/04/2012 09:13

why don't you just ask her how long this will be going on for?

noddyholder · 27/04/2012 09:15

yanbu I hate looking after other peoples children. Just tell her you thought it was short term and has she sorted someone yet.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 27/04/2012 09:17

YANBU but you can always ask!

And yes, get her to babysit - she owes you!

Belleflowers · 27/04/2012 10:19

i've just resolved a similar situation this week and wrote about it on mn

so basically you just need to say you cant commit to the arrangement after (set a date) give her a week or 2 notice

you dont need to explain yourself further and get into a deep and meaningful

i was DREADING having to speak to the parents of these 3 kids who i found myself slowly but surely being made to look after for free as well as my own 2 kids

it was nuts

i just said, I cant commit to it properly, and dont want to let you down, but I need to be honest with you

I think i said that I needed to also look for parttime work

you can do it, but you have to just say it, then everyone knows the situation is clear

childcare shouldnt be shunted onto a friend, no way.

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