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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm pretty sure I am. Looking after a friend's child is driving me mad.

78 replies

beansmum · 27/04/2012 05:42

This is actually a pretty good friend, not best friends but I'd ask her to babysit if I needed someone, so I think I'm being a bit unreasonable.

My friend used to work 9-3 at a cafe, so no childcare problems. She applied for a promotion at which means she now starts at 7.30 each morning. After accepting the promotion she asked me if I would mind picking her son up from the cafe on my way to school each morning for a week or two until she trained someone else up to open in the mornings. That was absolutely fine.

Somehow this has turned into her son being dropped off at mine every morning before she starts work. I'm giving him breakfast and taking him to school and I have heard nothing about anyone else being trained to do the cafe opening. It's now 3 months after she started the new job.

I honestly (honestly) don't mind looking after this friend's son, but I mind not knowing how long this is going to go on for and I mind being taken for granted. As I would have agreed to looking after her boy every morning for the entire year if she'd actually asked me, should I just shut up and stop complaining (to myself and you, not to her)?

Or should I say something, try and figure out how long this is going to go on for, ask her to babysit a bit so I feel like the relationship is a bit less one-sided? Would it be unreasonable to ask her to provide breakfast, or milk, or something?

My current plan is to moan about the situation to anyone I can find to listen to me, in the hope that I'll eventually stop being a bitch and just get over it.

OP posts:
fedupofnamechanging · 27/04/2012 10:30

Just to point out that if you were a CM, you could be charging £10 per day for what you are doing - she really has no incentive to make alternative arrangements when she can freeload off you!

BigBoobiedBertha · 27/04/2012 10:48

YANBU and I agree you should address it.

However, I would worry that if somebody who is so thoughtless or so much of a user that they haven't acknowledged that they owe you big time for your help, they might well get shirty if you start to question the arrangements now and try to change things. Be very careful how you approach this if you value the friendship. If needs be make up an excuse about why this is difficult for you and don't blame her for taking advantage. I am not suggesting you would be I can see has the potential to turn messy. That might just be that I have been on MN too long and have seen all sorts of things!

I think you are being very kind and a thoughful friend by the way. We aren't even up at 7.30 in the morning, much less in a position to help somebody out like this. Blush

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 27/04/2012 11:00

Posts like this make me absolutely gobsmacked at the sheer audacity and cheek of some people expecting others to mind their DCs for free, then the person looking after the children feels obligation to them and like they're letting them down if they stop the arrangement that has been foisted upon them.

OP, your friend sounds like a total user. What is in the friendship for you? It sounds as though there is plenty in the friendship for her but at what cost to you? I would tell her that you won't be able to continue with the arrangement after X date. You don't have to give reasons. I would imagine that she will probably be mortally offended and will go off on one, as she seems to have so little regard and respect for your feelings. She will just be thinking about how it affects her. But is her friendship really such a great loss?

I would rather have no friends than friends that exploit my good nature and treat me like their skivvy.

ImperialBlether · 27/04/2012 11:06

Does anyone remember that thread where the poster said that if the mum and kids weren't waiting at the roadside she'd drive off? I didn't blame her - it was highly inconvenient to her. Can you remember who posted that? I just wondered how it ended.

fedupofnamechanging · 27/04/2012 11:07

I remember that one - I think she did drive off one day, but not sure.

BigBoobiedBertha · 27/04/2012 11:13

I think we can all see the friend is a user and the OP should really tell her friend to get lost but the OP sounds like a nice person and I don't think she wants to get into a row, which is why I would tread carefully rather than stop the arrangement even if she is totally justified in doing that.

The OP clearly already feels guilty about not being happy with things. She would feel even guiltier if it all turns bad even if it isn't her fault.

TheUnsinkableTitanic · 28/04/2012 15:41

she did drive off karma/imperial - can't remember enough details to search for it

theDevilHasTheBestMNNames · 28/04/2012 16:55

I'd go with - I can't do it from x-date so you'll have to sort something else out.

She may then come back with its just till y - then you can decide if you can do it from y or it who've had enough. I think it would be sensible to say no at that point but that's me.

slowestwildebeast · 28/04/2012 17:08

YANBU but no way in hell would I do this? She's taking the piss. Ask her to pay you, you're doing her a favour. I wouldn't want someone else's child at my house every day.

EssentialFattyAcid · 28/04/2012 17:13

If this arrangement suits you pretty well apart from the cost of breakfast then I would definitely get her to babysit for you twice a month.

If she is happy to do this then maybe that would be a good arrangement all round?

MarySA · 28/04/2012 17:36

I don't think I'd enter into a shared arrangement with her. Because then you'll be stuck with having the kid for ever in the mornings. I've done before school as a favour for a week at the absolute longest but it's never easy even with really well behaved children. But three months is just not on.

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 28/04/2012 17:53

bean what happened to change it from Pick Up at the cafe to Drop Off at your house?
Is she not allowed to have her DC at the cafe? Or is it out of your way?

Who picks her DC up after school? If she finishes at 3pm, could you arrange that she picks up your child to give you a break from the journey?

I noticed in your OP that she took the promotion then asked you to take care of him. So she pretty much assumed that you would . Which is probably fine for 2 weeks (if a bit presumtious) but how long has this gone on for?

ENormaSnob · 28/04/2012 18:20

She is taking the piss. Big time.

You are letting her.

Original poster
beansmum · 29/04/2012 03:13

Ok - I'm going to say something. I suppose the only reason I haven't said anything so far is that I probably would have agreed to the situation if I had actually been asked, and in that case it seems a bit silly to make a fuss about it now.

But it is making me angry, and I've been avoiding my friend so I don't have to deal with it. I'm a student and she works in the cafe in my department, I've been walking halfway across campus to get a coffee so I don't have to speak to her. Just stupid.

I did ask last week how long she thought this would carry on, but I couldn't get a straight answer. I'll try again...

I do worry that maybe she just thinks we're much closer friends than I do and feels like she would do the same for me if the situation was reversed? I wouldn't ask her to though.

The original plan, to pick her son up from the cafe, which isn't far out of our way, had to be changed because she thought her boss would object if her found out. Also, it's boring for her son at work, he much prefers coming to ours and playing with my son. They're in the same class at school.

OP posts:
PullUpAPew · 29/04/2012 03:21

Hi, it isn't about being close friends though, I wouldn't ask that of anyone without payment. That is a massive thing you're doing - I think it sounds like she is taking advantage.

I don't think you should ask how long it will carry on, I think you should say you can't do it anymore. Basically agree with EnormaSnob - she is taking the piss.

1950sHousewife · 29/04/2012 03:22

Oh Beans. I think you sound like a wonderful friend.
But she is taking advantage of you. Goodness, I can't let a friend have my DCs even for an afternoon without arranging some kind of payback as quickly as I can. Three months is lunacy.

I think you have had really good, sensible suggestions here how to word things in a neutral way. I think she should be at least having your DCs for an afternoon in exchange or a whole day a couple of times a month. Equally, I would loathe to have another child at mine in the mornings. I think you need to say this can only be done on a limited basis.

AThingInYourLife · 29/04/2012 05:19

"I did ask last week how long she thought this would carry on, but I couldn't get a straight answer. I'll try again..."

No, don't try again.

Next time don't ask anything. Tell her how long this arrangement will be lasting for.

"I can continue to do mornings with Joseph until the end of May. You'll have to have something else sorted by then."

Don't make excuses, or explain. This is not negotiable.

If you're asking questions and she's avoiding answering them, then she's deliberately taking the piss.

Someone who thought everything was fine, and was being honest about the situation, would have given you a straight answer.

YellowDinosaur · 29/04/2012 07:44

I'm not surprised you're angry. I would have been well before this.

In this case the friendship has already changed for you so you actually have nothing to lose. The only possible way it won't be irretrievably over is if you do something along the lines of what athing suggests and if she accepts it.

She is massively taking the piss and you do not need to feel bad about calling her on it

neepsandtatties · 29/04/2012 08:27

I don't know if this was eventually resolved and the law updated, but read this article here before you suggest some 'in kind' reciprocal babysitting with her - you could be prosecuted!

news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/8277378.stm

Just tell her where to go!

YellowDinosaur · 29/04/2012 09:12

Neeps it was reviewed following this case and there is no longer any issue with reciprocal favours with childcare, just being paid if you are not registered

duckdodgers · 29/04/2012 09:24

I really shouldn't still be amazed by posts like this but I am. Not all at you OP because I can see how easy it is to get entwined in a situation like this and then feel taken advantage of but guilty to, but you really are letting her. No its people like your friend I'm Shock at to - ok some people take advantage but how can anyone be comfortable doing this to a friend? I would never, so its difficult to understand how others can.

OP dont "try" to speak to her - just explain how you feel and what is happening is not what was originally explained. I know you say you dont mind but she is using you - my DH is a childminder and charges for the service you are providing!

agedknees · 29/04/2012 10:00

She is taking the piss. Real friends do not do this. She is using you. Does she ask you to go out with her? Shopping, coffee, etc? I suspect not. She has a nice job that pays and does not require her to pay for childcare.

I have been in your place. I have been 'used' like this. It is not nice. Resentment does build up.

Please, please, for your sake have that talk to her.

ToryLovell · 29/04/2012 10:14

If you don't want to bring if up with her directly then maybe engineer a situation that could cause a problem. Ring her today and say your dc is unwell and probably won't be at school tomorrow so she can't drop her DS to you. This will then force her to consider what you actually do for her and you can then broach the subject of what happens long term.

nothingoldcanstay · 29/04/2012 10:58

I feel for both of you. I'd imagine it would be tricky for your friend to find someone to look after her son at 7am for just an hour (and do a school run or drop off to you). Credit for you for being understanding.
I don't supposed she earns a lot even as a manager so £50 a week could be too much to make it worthwhile (she won't be able to claim any back if you aren't registered).

However it is costing you time, money and effort so you need some compensation. I would ask for money for breakfasts and something like babysitting in return. If you have been pushed too far then give her some notice and say that you finding it hard to get out of the door in time now you have two to worry about. Good luck with it and well done for being a good friend.

myBOYSareBONKERS · 29/04/2012 11:07

OP - As asked earlier.... What did she do during the Easter and Feb holidays??? Also what about the up-coming half term??