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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I'm pretty sure I am. Looking after a friend's child is driving me mad.

78 replies

beansmum · 27/04/2012 05:42

This is actually a pretty good friend, not best friends but I'd ask her to babysit if I needed someone, so I think I'm being a bit unreasonable.

My friend used to work 9-3 at a cafe, so no childcare problems. She applied for a promotion at which means she now starts at 7.30 each morning. After accepting the promotion she asked me if I would mind picking her son up from the cafe on my way to school each morning for a week or two until she trained someone else up to open in the mornings. That was absolutely fine.

Somehow this has turned into her son being dropped off at mine every morning before she starts work. I'm giving him breakfast and taking him to school and I have heard nothing about anyone else being trained to do the cafe opening. It's now 3 months after she started the new job.

I honestly (honestly) don't mind looking after this friend's son, but I mind not knowing how long this is going to go on for and I mind being taken for granted. As I would have agreed to looking after her boy every morning for the entire year if she'd actually asked me, should I just shut up and stop complaining (to myself and you, not to her)?

Or should I say something, try and figure out how long this is going to go on for, ask her to babysit a bit so I feel like the relationship is a bit less one-sided? Would it be unreasonable to ask her to provide breakfast, or milk, or something?

My current plan is to moan about the situation to anyone I can find to listen to me, in the hope that I'll eventually stop being a bitch and just get over it.

OP posts:

Dozer · 29/04/2012 11:08

Just give her two weeks notice to find alternative childcare because you won't be doing it anymore (no need to justify this decision, if presse simply say "it's not working for me").

And work on your assertiveness!

SchoolsNightmare · 29/04/2012 11:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thegreylady · 29/04/2012 13:10

I would tell her the truth. Remind her that this was temporary but has become permanent so you feel you don't know where you stand. Tell her you feel the uncertainty is really bothering you and that if she wants you to continue indefinitely she needs to say so so you can discuss the options. I'd also say you would appreciate it if she would drop off a box of cereal and a bottle of milk each week. Just be Smiley and friendly but do it firmly.

FashionEaster · 29/04/2012 13:20

Good advice on this thread Beansmum, hope you tackle it.

And I really want to know what happened on that other thread, after the put-upon poster drove off!!

Original poster

beansmum · 29/04/2012 23:14

I spoke to her last night. I asked how long she would be needing me to do mornings and if she had managed to train anyone to open up the cafe. Turns out the girl she was planning on training is pregnant and leaving soon, and nobody else is going to do it instead. I was slightly (extremely) annoyed that she hadn't mentioned this to me. Anyway, I pointed out that I had originally agreed to pick up her son for a couple of weeks, and that was months ago.

I said that I can only do 3 mornings a week (I didn't give a reason) and also said that I'm going to be really busy next semester at uni and will be too busy in the mornings to have any other kids around after the end of this term. (I meant uni term, but I'll have to confirm that in case she thought I meant school term).

She's just going to take her son to work with her the days that I don't have him, and he's going to walk himself to school from there, it's only about 300m and he doesn't seem to mind.

I'm not sure what's going to happen in the school holidays. Luckily the cafe she works in is only open during the uni term, so the holidays are only a problem for the 3-4 weeks a year when then uni and school holidays don't coincide.

OP posts:

CailinDana · 29/04/2012 23:17

What was her reaction?

CailinDana · 29/04/2012 23:18

And just out of interest, why did you say you could do three days a week? If she can take him to work two days, surely she could take him every day? It's clear she was totally taking the piss and was obviously using you for convenience rather than necessity.

Original poster

beansmum · 29/04/2012 23:24

Oh, two annoying things that I wanted to get off my chest so I can stop thinking about them...

This morning her son mentioned that he's going to be paid for the days he goes to school from the cafe - $7 an hour. I haven't been offered any money! Although I would be slightly insulted by $7, it would be better than nothing.

The other annoying thing happened a week or two ago, but it's still niggling. My friend's son goes to an after school programme that's about 200m from my house. I was walking and had a heavy bag of books to carry so I popped into the cafe and asked my friend if she would mind dropping the bag at mine when she went to pick up her son, she has a car. She said "I'm not going that way, sorry". I knew her usual route didn't take her straight past my door, but I didn't think a slight detour was too much to ask. Then I thought I was being unreasonably annoyed, now I think maybe I was entitled to a bit of a moan about it.

Ok, no more whinging...

OP posts:

Original poster

beansmum · 29/04/2012 23:27

yeah - why did I say I could do 3 mornings a week? Stupid. I guess I can do all the mornings, I just don't want to. So I thought cutting it down a bit was less of a lie than saying I can't do any mornings.

OP posts:

scottishmummy · 29/04/2012 23:31

you're lovely at not wanting to let her down
but she's really taking piss
you need to offer no childcare. a wee white lie about circumstance change if that makes I more palatable, easier for you
she had no intention of playing fair by you.at all

ThreadWatcher · 29/04/2012 23:36

Just joining this thread..........

Why oh why did you offer to look after her son three mornings a week.

I would say "sorry but the freeloading stops now - you need to find a childminder"

She is taking you for a fool and you are letting her. Dont bitch about it/her to other people (because that wont reflect well on you) just tell her "this stops now"
I know it sounds harsh and yes it might cause her a few problems re childcare and her job - but she should have sorted that before/when she went for the promotion.

scottishmummy · 29/04/2012 23:43

give her warning 3-4 weeks
then no more free childcare
for as long as you carry on,feeling put upon and aggrieved BUT still doing FREE childcAre she will continue to take piss. and by not being firm and forthright you are letting her do so

totallypearshaped · 29/04/2012 23:46

Send her an invoice for the childcare for the last three months - 10 an hour; and say that you need to formalise arrangements IF you want to keep doing this.

If you don't, ask her how she's getting on training up someone to open the cafe, and tell her that she's taking the piss.

And send her an invoice anyway!!

totallypearshaped · 29/04/2012 23:48

You don't have to explain anything to her, just say it doesn't suit anymore, and that you agreed to do her a favour UNTIL she trained up someone to open the cafe; and it's been three whole months of free childcare.

And then invoice her!!

scottishmummy · 29/04/2012 23:50

I get your point
but she can invoice,but on principle alone yes. op has saved this mum hundreds of pounds

totallypearshaped · 29/04/2012 23:51

You bet she has! The cheeky mare!

Schnarkle · 29/04/2012 23:56

Why is the son being paid on the mornings he goes to school from the cafe?

Oh and tell her to get lost.

ProcessYellowC · 29/04/2012 23:57

Um yeah, YANBU, and she doesn't really sound like much of a friend.

The other minor annoying things aren't that minor and it sounds like they are just going to continue in that pattern. 7.5 hrs free childcare a week + breakfasts, and she won't make a minor detour on her journey home?!

clam · 30/04/2012 00:01

If there was any doubt about this, then her refusal to drop off your books for you should have nailed it.
So she has enough money to pay her son to take himself to school a couple of days a week, but at no point has offered anything to you? (leave aside the legalities of that).
Ditch this plan asap.

Mimishimi · 30/04/2012 05:25

If he's old enough to take to the cafe and walk by himself to the school, he's old enough not to need care at all. I have been in a similar situation years ago when eldest was a baby and I was at home with her. These were not close friends either, just neighbours who knew I was home. They even told their friends I'd be up to it if they had a childcare emergency. Final straw was that and being expected to look after sick kids. Eventually you just have to say NO.

fedupofnamechanging · 30/04/2012 08:05

I think you are being a total mug to do her any favours, after her refusal to drop off your books. This woman is not your friend - she is utterly taking the piss and you need to grow a spine and tell her that no, you won't be taking her kid to school in future. And tell her why. This 'friendship' doesn't exist, so you have nothing to lose and plenty to gain.

I really find it very hard to understand why so many people let other people walk all over them.

fedupofnamechanging · 30/04/2012 08:07

And what she does during the holidays is not your problem. If she'd been less of a bitch to you, you seem like the kind of person who'd have helped her out, but as it is, you really should be taking the view that she's crapped in her own back yard and is now on her own regarding child care.

ToryLovell · 30/04/2012 09:44

The thing about not dropping the books off would have been the final straw for me.

She really is a piss taker.

NoOnesGoingToEatYourEyes · 30/04/2012 10:04

When you clarify that you meant Uni term, also clarify that you meant she has to pay for her child's breakfasts as well.

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 30/04/2012 11:23

So,
she took on a promotion and just assumed you'd pick up the slack
she changed the pick up at the cafe (on the way to school) to your house earlier and you feed him
if she's paying him to go to school himself, then he can go to school himself. She might find someone he can walk with on the way
she's not offered you anything, even cereal,milk,bread to feed him
she CBA to do you a favour while you've been doing her a massive favour.

The books wouldn't just ended it for me TBH. I'd have stropped then and there and I'm not a stroppy person.

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