Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

to dislike it when people say my stepdad isnt my dds real grandad.

52 replies

familyfun · 25/04/2012 14:03

i have known my stepdad 10 years or so and although i have never lived with him we get on well, he has supported me in many ways, babysits with my mom for me once or twice a year and is a decent man.

when i had my first dd 4 years ago mom asked if stepdad could be called grandad and dp and i agreed he would be a grandad to our kids.

he is a wonderful grandad to both my dds 4 and 1 and they both call him grandad as well as my dad and dps dad so they have 3 grandads and 2 nans and have never questioned this.

If i say dds have been playing with grandad, MIL will regularly say do you mean your real dad or X,oh you mean your stepdad then and i say yes my stepdad is their grandad too. dont know if im being oversensitive but it seems she is implying he isnt their grandad.

also my dad says my stepdad isnt a real grandad to my kids, he is just moms husband. this is partly jealousy i suppose but not kind to my dds.

i dont call stepdad, "dad" but dds call him grandad. aibu?

OP posts:

SydSaid · 25/04/2012 14:05

YANBU.

Parents aren't just created by blood. They are created by care and love. If someone is adopted, then their adopted parents are 'real' parents. This isn;t any difference.

I get that your Dad has his nose out of joint, but if your stepdad is putting in the time and care he is entitled to the title as long as you are happy with that. And you are.

None of your Dad's business, really!

MissLofPubia · 25/04/2012 14:08

YANBU! I had a fight with my bio-father about this. He didn't care that my step-dad has been more of a dad than he has (which he agreed with), but it's blood that matters apparently. Cunt.

ChitChatFlyingby · 25/04/2012 14:09

Do you think your MIL is being mean or trying to work out which other grandad you are talking about? It's understandable that your Dad has his nose out of joint, but he should stop saying anything because in the end it is your decision, not his.

If YOU are happy with him being called Grandad, then that's all that matters.

Ineedalife · 25/04/2012 14:09

YADNBU, Mine and my sisters Dd's, 5 of the altogether all call my step dad grandad.

He is a good grandad, my Dd's haven't even seen my dad for 5 years, so my step dad is their only grandad.

trikken · 25/04/2012 14:13

Yanbu. Same situation here. Dc loves their grandads all the same. Blood doesnt matter as long as you are happy with it is what matters.

Original poster

familyfun · 25/04/2012 14:18

if mil said do you mean x or y it wouldnt be a problem, its the way she says do you mean your real dad, oh no you mean your stepdad then.
my dad says only blood counts cos if people split up they dont bother seeing their exs family but i disagree, i wouldnt stop dds seeing their grandad.
im happy dd had 3 grandads to love her.
she hasnt asked yet why there are 3 and im not sure how id explain it without worrying her about people splitting up as she is a worrier.

OP posts:

Longdistance · 25/04/2012 14:22

You carry on calling him Grandad if you want.
We're in a mirror situation, but mil has married her dp and he's now her dh, and she keeps saying that he's the kids grandad, but my dh finds it insulting 2 his dad, so we call him Grandad xxxxx My fil is an amazing man, and we find it odd that she keeps pressing the issue of calling her dh grandad. He has his own Grandkids already. He doesn't have 2 much 2 do with our girls, so that's partly 2 do with it.

StanleyLambchop · 25/04/2012 14:25

My Grandad was my step-grandad, I could not have loved him more if I tried, it made no difference to me that we weren't 'blood'. Make the most of it while you can, my Grandad died 20 years ago so he never met my children, I would love to have your problem if only it meant we could have him back! (Sorry, crying as I write this!)

Original poster

familyfun · 25/04/2012 14:30

my dds love their grandad and he loves them so i have no intention of changing things, just fed up of hearing hes not my real dad (which i know) so he cant be a real grandad. weird imo

OP posts:

minimisschief · 25/04/2012 14:37

well technically they are right though.

belindarose · 25/04/2012 14:40

YANBU. My step dad is the most fantastic grandad to his GDs and a much better dad to DB and I than our own dad. He will never be called anything other than grandad. My dad is grandad (name) to differentiate, and DH's dad is grandpa.

doormat · 25/04/2012 14:43

family fun..my dh is a step dad to my 4 older kids and he is gangan....to the grandkids, even though the kids real semen donor is dead....

even if i and dh were to split he would still be the grandchildrens gangan as he loves them all very much, treats them all with respect and when we have grandchildren from our children..dh will still be referred to as gangan...

we named ourselves before any grandchildren came along so the grandkids would be always able to identify which grandparent they were talking about..so i am nanni..inlaws is nan or nana..pops, grandad etc

youarekidding · 25/04/2012 14:44

Many children call a step-dad 'dad' if they've been there since they were young. A dad/grandad is a person who takes on the role IMO.

CheerfulYank · 25/04/2012 14:47

He is totally their Grandad. YANBU.

SCOTCHandWRY · 25/04/2012 14:59

YANBU - many families have step-relationships these days.

Our DC "only" have their 4 biological grandparents, but we still call them Grandparent/first name to avoid confusion - could that be a solution for you? It would stop MIL sniping as to which grandad you mean.

Horsemad · 25/04/2012 16:45

My mum always signs card to my children from Nan & Grandad even though he's my stepdad - my dad died years ago.

Whilst he's ok, he's NOT my dad and it sets my teeth on edge when I see it written on a card. My kids don't call him Grandad, they call him by his name, but for some reason, she still insists on putting Grandad!

I've never said anything, 'cause she'd take offence if I did.

Debsbear · 25/04/2012 16:49

We had a similar situation with my DH family. His mother had remarried and also DP's grandad was still alive - far too many "Grandads" to cope with so we came up with different names for each of them. Gramps (my dad), Grandpa Fred (DH's father), Grandpa John (DH's stepdad) and Grandad was DH's Grandad. It worked for us. Saves confusion, everyone knows who is being referred to and everyone feels part of the family.

madmouse · 25/04/2012 16:52

It's a bit different because I lost my mum a long time before I had ds, but Stepmum is definitely ds's grandmother. Life has cheated her out of her own children (escaping an abusive marriage then losing a next partner to cancer very young) so I have so loved making her a grandmother. She lives in my home country but she so dotes on ds. She sends him postcards just because and when we're there she loves washing his clothes as she loves handling the small stuff, even now he's 4.

WilsonFrickett · 25/04/2012 16:57

mad that is really, really lovely. I wish the OP could show your post to her MIL.

For us, I have never called my SD Dad and we have had an extremely rocky relationship. It is a real positive in everyone's life that he is such a doting, involved Grandad and has helped us have some sort of a relationship.

I would still never call him Dad because he isn't my Dad - but he is DS Grandad and he proves that every week.

gobbledegook1 · 25/04/2012 16:58

YANBU.

My son's only Granddad is a step Granddad. His dad was raised by his step dad as his own he has never had anything to do with his real dad and he calls his step dad 'dad' and likewise his step dad having raised him considers him to be his son and thus my son his grandchild.

God thats confusing!!

OptimisticPessimist · 25/04/2012 17:03

YANBU. My FIL is in fact no blood (or marital) relation to my XP, he is a very kind man who helped XP a lot when he was a teenager, took him in and took the parental role and had it all thrown back in his face. He has been my kids' grandad since they were born, and even now XP and I are no longer together and XP has moved a long way away FIL is still a huge part of my DC's lives. I would Death Stare anyone who said he wasn't their "real" grandad. He's far more real than their biological paternal family, DS1 met some of them a couple of times as a baby, younger two have never met any of them and probably never will either.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 25/04/2012 17:07

My situation is like *Madmouse. My mum died when I was a teenager and my dad eventually remarried when I was in my late 20's. I didn't even tell my children that Grandma was my stepmum until the older one asked when I came out of her tummy. As far as my children were concerned she was simply their Grandma (she had never had her own children due to cancer in her 30's). She was a lovely Grandma and I'm glad my children had her in their life (sadly for too short a time as she died a couple of years ago).

Surely its about what Grandparents bring into your children's lives rather than their "provenance" that matters.

AllTheSevens · 25/04/2012 17:31

My parents split when I was very young, and both remarried.

My stepmum is Grandma First Name to my children, and stepdad is Grandad First Name. My own dear Grandad is actually my Mum's stepdad and I'd be very upset if someone said he wasn't my 'real' Grandad.

I think it takes more than blood to make a family. YANBU.

PoppaRob · 25/04/2012 17:36

I'm Poppa to my stepkids' (and their partners') grandkids as well as my GD. It comes with being married three times and still having good relationships with my stepkids and their kids. One of my GD's is actually my stepson's partner's daughter from a previous relationship, so I call her my surrogate step grand-daughter and she calls me her surrogate step-Poppa. :-)

Don't sweat it, familyfun. He loves them, they love him, and your Mum and Dad are just being precious. It's not a good look on people who should know better, is it?

SquishyCinnamonSwirls · 25/04/2012 17:37

It's the behaviour that makes a parent/grandparent not a blood tie. Call them what you want to call them, ignore any sniffy remarks.

Flip

1 2 3