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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to dislike it when people say my stepdad isnt my dds real grandad.

52 replies

familyfun · 25/04/2012 14:03

i have known my stepdad 10 years or so and although i have never lived with him we get on well, he has supported me in many ways, babysits with my mom for me once or twice a year and is a decent man.

when i had my first dd 4 years ago mom asked if stepdad could be called grandad and dp and i agreed he would be a grandad to our kids.

he is a wonderful grandad to both my dds 4 and 1 and they both call him grandad as well as my dad and dps dad so they have 3 grandads and 2 nans and have never questioned this.

If i say dds have been playing with grandad, MIL will regularly say do you mean your real dad or X,oh you mean your stepdad then and i say yes my stepdad is their grandad too. dont know if im being oversensitive but it seems she is implying he isnt their grandad.

also my dad says my stepdad isnt a real grandad to my kids, he is just moms husband. this is partly jealousy i suppose but not kind to my dds.

i dont call stepdad, "dad" but dds call him grandad. aibu?

OP posts:
supernannyisace · 25/04/2012 17:37

YANBU.

My DS calls my SD Grandad. Never thought he wouldn't.

As things have worked out (both me and XP have remarried, and i am from a 'blended' family) my DS has a lot of GP!

The nicest thing I heard though was a few months ago - DS (who is 14) shouted out to my new DHs mother - and called her Grandma. I thought that was really nice - as he has only known her for 4/5 years - and he is at a self-conscious age. I think she liked it too.

WilsonFrickett · 25/04/2012 18:01

And do you know what? We hear so much about families splitting up - and don't get me wrong, it's often a terrible thing for all concerned - but this is actually the nice part of it! Look at all these stories on here of blended families and extra GPs and all that love floating around. It's bloody brilliant

Craftymoo · 25/04/2012 18:04

YANBU. My stepdad is absolutely DS's grandad. He held him when he was 20 minutes old and they have loved eachother ever since. DS has 2 grandads (differentiated by their dogs) and a grandpa, who is my natural father. He also has 3 grandmothers, each with a different title.
I have always been upfront that grandad is not my dad, but that it makes no difference, in fact I have to stop sometimes when asked about family medical history so that I give the information about my dad, not step dad!
The only thing I did differently was ask my stepdad to also be DS's godfather, to give an extra link between them.
Sorry about the essay, this is a subject close to my heart! x

ElusiveCamel · 25/04/2012 18:08

I have known my step-father about 13 years. He is not like my dad, but he is absolutely 100% my DS' grandpa - far more than either if his bio-grandfathers. A grandparent is made from love, not blood.

TheFallenMadonna · 25/04/2012 18:12

My children call my mum's partner by his first name, but he is absolutely their grandad. That makes everyone happy really.

AceOfBase · 25/04/2012 18:12

My dhs step dad is my kids granda. His actual dad has only bothered to meet them once but SD sees them every week. He raised dh from 5 years old and is the best granda (and fil) I could ask for and the kids adore him

theDevilHasTheBestMNNames · 25/04/2012 18:23

People can be very odd about names without any blending of family to blame.

I'm very much referred to as Auntie my name to DN but despite me being married to DH for twice as long as DN has been alive - my DH is not referred to as Uncle.

This from a family were it was insisted the polite way to address adult family friends was Uncle/Auntie their name as I was growing up.

Perhaps get in the habit of referring to Granddad's as Granddad X or Granddad y so MIL doesn't have to ask who it meant and DC will pick it up and everyone will get used to it.

marriedinwhite · 25/04/2012 19:35

OP I sympathise. I have known my stepfather for more than 30 years (I'm 51 now). My father, whom I loved dearly died 12 years ago and the dc have only vague memories of him. Our dc have always had: Grandad first name a, Grandad first name b, and Grandad first name c. No need for anyone to ask which one they were referring to.

My stepfather can never be my father and I call him c, he is nevertheless my mother's husband of many years. The dc think of him as their grandad, they love him as their grandad and he treats them as his own. We all know they don't have his genes, but that doesn't stop him being one of the world's best grandads. And you know what, even without the genes, he would lie down and die for them if it would save them.

Grandad a and Grandad b have now both died. The children are lucky they have a grandad c will grieve deeply for grandad c one day. Getting cross with your MIL now. Show her this won't you.

thegreylady · 25/04/2012 19:38

my dgs have 3 grandads too-one 'real' and two step they also have 3 female grandparents-Granny,Grandma and Nana.[two real and one step]
All are equally regarded and equally loving-parents do not differentiate between us at all.

SauvignonBlanche · 25/04/2012 19:41

YANBU, my mother's step father, who she acquired at the age of 21, was 100% my beloved Grandad!

SunshineOutdoors · 25/04/2012 19:47

YANBU.

I don't think twice about my sister's husband being an uncle, so why shouldn't my Dad's wife be a granny?

McHappyPants2012 · 25/04/2012 19:47

Yanbu my dh is only about to meet his biological father and IMO he don't deserve the grandfather title how ever my kids have 3 grandfathers.

To save confusion with my mum it granddad surname

TheFeministsWife · 25/04/2012 21:39

I think your MIL is BU, and your dad probably is jealous. My DSD is only 19 atm but when she does have kids I'll be gutted if they don't call me "nanny" or "grandma". And I'd be telling anyone who had a problem with it to butt out and mind their own business.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 25/04/2012 21:46

I think people in general are usually quite careful when talking about that type of thing, because there are always families like mine where the only grandad the children have got is the 'step grandad' and it would feel like it was taking away from the Grandads that are no longer here.

But as for your mil, I think you could be being over sensitive. She could have chosen to use the two Grandads names to differentiate them, but the fact that she didn't doesn't mean that she was implying anything.

artydeb · 25/04/2012 22:07

YANBU, exactly same situation here and ex MIL insisted on saying "Oh, you mean *" The DC's tell me she has often told them that he isn't their real grandad and that their only 'real' grandad is their paternal one :( so if your MIL is anything like her, her enquiring which one you meant is passive aggressive and you can sense that.

RiaOverTheRainbow · 25/04/2012 22:46

YANBU My mum's mum died before I was born and her dad remarried. I've always known Granny wasn't mum's mum, but it didn't stop her being my favourite grandparent Grin

M0naLisa · 25/04/2012 22:58

YANBU both mine and DH parents are divorced and remarried so our kids have 4 grandads and 4 grandmas. thats 2 stepmums and 2 step dads but they are both called grandma and grandad

My stepdad is my kids Grandad as is FIL
My dad is Grandpa and SFIL is Grampsie
My stepmum is Granny
My SMIL is Grandma.
My mum is nanna
My MIL is Nonny (DS couldnt say Nanna at first so nonny stuck) lol

sayithowitis · 25/04/2012 23:28

YANBU. My parents also divorced when I was in junior school and each re-married. AFAIAC, my DSD took on one of the most difficult roles there ie: that of a Step-Father. He willingly took us on and never, not even once, did he fail to treat us as though we were his natural children. He was the one who put food on our plates, clothes on our backs, took us and collected us from various activities, including, as we got older, some that meant he sat up late waiting for our call. He was just as, if not more, excited as my bio dad, when I became pg with DC1. He was the one who would take me and the DCs to the doctors for those neurotic mum 'emergency appointments' when the DCs picked up nasty viral infections etc. he was the one who helped Dcs with their history projects and made wonderful toys for them and took them out for the day and.. and.. and I could go on and on. In short, he WAS Grandad to my DCs. They loved him as much as he loved them. They were broken hearted when he died and couldn't have loved him more if he had been their blood relative.

IMO, my DSD more than earned the title of Grandad and I would be incredibly upset with anyone who suggested that the lack of 'blood' made him less of a Grandad. And my DCs would agree with me 100%.

TiddlesTheNaughtyTortoise · 26/04/2012 09:45

YANBU. I don't think biology has got anything to do with being a GP. My Nan was actually my great aunt as my mum's mum died just after I was born. It wasn't WHO she was that made her my Nan, it was the role she played in my life.

Tell your mil that although she's technically correct what she's saying is quite hurtful and disrespectful. Your kids are very lucky to have an extra GP and it's spiteful of her to nit pick.

Original poster
familyfun · 26/04/2012 13:14

thinking about it, ils have hinted before they would like to be nanny name, grandad name but dp and i dont like kids saying first names so stick to nany surname, grandad surname but kids just say grandad. perhaps mil is just confused which one, she is tactless anyway. she asked my stepdad at the christening if he was my real dad and then asked how i could have a stepdad if my real dad was alive?? then asked where my dad was (he didnt come).
going to ignore her as i normally do Grin

OP posts:
GrumbleAndGrouse · 26/04/2012 13:44

Yanbu.
My stepdad is absolutely my dcs grandfather. He does more for them than dp's dad and my dad is not in my life.

I would never dream of telling my dc to call him anything other than grandad.
It would break his heart. He made me cry when I was 12 wks pregnant and I finally let him and my dm tell our extended family I was pregnant, he was so proud to tell his siblings he was going to be a grandad.

SetFiretotheRain · 26/04/2012 13:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

downindorset · 26/04/2012 17:08

I don't think YBU but I've done something different. My Dad died 12 years ago and I took it quite hard. My mum re-married 10 years ago, also took it quite hard, although I was happy for her. I do like my SD but I don't love him. When I had my DS, my mum wanted him to be called grandad but I refused and said we'd have to think of something else. She thought just his name on it's own (which we call him) was disrespectful, so now he's Papa Jon and she's Nana.

I put my foot down about it but I just wasn't comfortable with the grandad thing and I couldn't lie about that.

If DS ends up calling him Grandad, I won't mind but I'm not going to refer to him as that. If I talk about Grandad, it'll be DP's dad I mean or my dad when we look at pictures.

That's just the way it is.

downindorset · 26/04/2012 17:10

For a start... my SD calls my DS "tiddles" which drives me absolutely insane! He's not a cat FGS.

theodorakis · 26/04/2012 17:25

I agree 100% and if anyone said that to me or my kids I would whack them. My dad is my dad but he is also family