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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this rude?

101 replies

Peppin · 24/04/2012 09:38

DD's birthday party is on Saturday. She's taking a few friends swimming then back to ours for tea and sleepover.

Child A's mother accepted the invitation some time ago. Last night DD said that Child A had said at school that eithr (1) she couldn't come to DD's party at all any more because she'd been invited to Child B's party and the times overlapped; or (2) she could come to DD's party but only the swimming and not the tea because straight after swimming she had to go off to Child B's party (DD wasn't sure which).

I texted the mother asking whether Child A was still coming and she just rang to say yes, Child A has been asked to this other party which is a [ACTIVITY] party and she's never done [ACTIVITY] and really wants to go but it's at 4pm (we'll probably get back from swimming around then). I just said well we will probably be back in tome for you to pick her up at 4pm but I can't guarantee it, so you'll have to let me know. She said that's fine, we'll collect her as soon as you get back.

Now I am really annoyed because (1) I think this incredibly rude (2) I am pissed off with myself for not just saying "it's one or the other" and (3) I am appalled that any parent would give their child the message that it's OK to just chop and change when you have already accepted an invitation, because a better one comes along.

AIBU? And should I phone back and tell the parents that actually we might not get back in time so if Child A really prefers [ACTIVITY] party then best not come to ours?

OP posts:
perceptionreality · 24/04/2012 14:22

In the holidays my dd was invited (for the same day) to a party and then to a day out by another friend. I asked her which she was going to do as I had not texted the mum about the party and it was now 10 days away. Dd said that she had already told the girl who was having a party that she was coming and so the other option was out. If she can grasp that at her age then a child's parents should certainly be able to!

perceptionreality · 24/04/2012 14:24

It should be about celebrating your friend's birthday with them and being a loyal friend, rather than acting like a user and making it clear it's all about what activities you want to do.

GinPalace · 24/04/2012 14:27

Very bad manners shown to you and your DD by Child A's mum!

Children need to learn that others peoples feelings are important too.

I am sure Child A really wants to do this activity but she should also consider the fact your DD will lose a guest partway through a party which can spoil the fun and that the short notice will affect the organisers as she will already have been catered for.

If I was Child A's mum I would keep the first invitation and organise the activity on another occasion. That would be best for everyone not just Child A. I fully intend to teach my children that although they are great the world does not revolve around them and other peoples feelings matter.

GinPalace · 24/04/2012 14:30

Duelling you don't think the short notice she will no longer be at the birthday tea even a tiny bit off?

She is making the effort to do what suits her.

Bet she wouldn't be 'making the effort to do both' if the activity hadn't been to her liking.

I don't suppose she is sacrificing missing out on a tea and sleepover she really wants to be at so as to make Child B happy like some kind of caring friend who just happens to be getting spread a little thin Hmm

Jux · 24/04/2012 17:11

I'd leave it as it is now, with other mum picking up from your house. I really wouldn't be rushing back from the pool, especially if everyone is having a good time there - certainly not so that one child's parents can be accommodated because they are too lazy to teach their child proper manners.

Original poster
Peppin · 24/04/2012 18:05

Think will say nothing further and stick to plan but will not be hurrying back from pool, that's for sure. Neither will I deliberately delay. But am not organising DD's party around the whims of this spoilt brat!

OP posts:
HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 24/04/2012 18:07

I think you're doing the right thing OP. Are you going to get her mum to get her from the pool?

dreamingbohemian · 24/04/2012 19:21

Spoilt brat? Nice Hmm

harrietlichman · 24/04/2012 19:34

YANBU, rude. However, you need to let it go and focus on making sure your party is great for your DD. People never cease to amaze me with their rudeness, I think you just have to put it in your 'what a dickhead' file and carry on regardless.

malheureuse · 24/04/2012 19:35

Agree no need to be nasty.. just either let her come swimming and be picked up or tell other mother you want everyone there for whole event[ but then you might look like a bit of a fusspot]

perceptionreality · 24/04/2012 19:40

I can understand the OP's anger - her dd has been snubbed, we all feel protective of our children.

I hope your dd has a nice party - I agree don't think about the girl and get her mum to pick her up from swimming.

malheureuse · 24/04/2012 20:09

that's true.. don't worry OP we've all been there with similar and it's not very nice and difficult to explain to dc.
Hope party goes well, and all enjoy :)

vigglewiggle · 24/04/2012 20:30

I am truly flabbergasted at those on this thread who think that this is ok. I think that this is monumentally rude and the behaviour of someone who has an extreme sense of entitlement or someone who is such a weak parent that they feel unable to say "no" to their child.

I would be very tempted to tell the parent to pick their child up from the pool so that there is no need to think about her arrangements. I think you have been very reasonable OP.

rhondajean · 24/04/2012 20:48

I totally agree with viggle. If my child had made an arrangement, they wouldnt be changing it because something better came along.

I would be tempted to very sweetly tell the parent not to worry, no need for little Johnny/Jemima to come, we will probably be late back from the pool and Id hate to stress you or myself.

Talk about trying to have your cake and eat it!

malheureuse · 24/04/2012 20:53

I agree.. tell the parent that its better if her dd doesn't come to the pool, [otherwise you are making it all ok for them and it's not really fair on your dd].

knowitallstrikesagain · 24/04/2012 20:56

YANBU. I cannot imagine saying to a friend, 'I know we were supposed to go to the cinema and then out for dinner, but another friend has invited me for dinner at a fancy restaurant I haven't been to before so I will be going there instead.'

It is not a great message to send to children that you can cancel a previous engagement if something better comes along. Only accept invitations to things you are happy to go to.

Too late now to change your mind, that would not be fair on the child, but I hope mum doesn't let this happen again.

malheureuse · 24/04/2012 21:10

I don't agree it's too late.. it may be a way for child A to learn that you can't be in two places at once

Original poster
Peppin · 24/04/2012 21:35

dreamingbohemian I do think it is spoilt brat behaviour for this child to announce to DD at school "I'm not coming to your party any more as I want to go to Child B's instead" (which, on closer questioning this evening, is what Child A said).

As it happens, her own parents obviously think so too, as it transpired this evening that they had told her she would have to choose one or the other. Think they were a bit embarrassed that I had to contact them (rather than other way round) to ask what their plans were, following their child's comments to DD at school yesterday.

I don't blame the child (much) - seems clear from most of the responses to this that it wouldn't occur to most people's children that it was OK to ditch one invitation for a later, more enticing one, and I think that comes from the parents.

OP posts:
NoOnesGoingToEatYourEyes · 24/04/2012 22:07

Which has she chosen OP?

Mummy2FE · 24/04/2012 22:11

I think that the rude part is the parent saying that her DD wants to go to the second party too because it involves an activity she has never tried before.

If the parent was saying that her DD wanted to go to both parties because both children were good friends and she didn't want to disappoint either, it would have been acceptable, quite sweet and much more diplomatic in my view.

It's the reason (and actually voicing it to you) for wanting to attend both parties that seems selfish.

I probably wouldn't make an issue of it at this stage though. Just concentrate on your daughter having a great time instead.

Mummy2FE · 24/04/2012 22:21

Ps, I also meant to say that the parent allowing their child to mess everybody around with the swapping and changing bit, is not setting a good example to her about being gracious when accepting invitations.

Original poster
Peppin · 24/04/2012 22:52

She is coming to DD's. I strongly suspect her parents told her this had to be her choice! Better late than never!

OP posts:
sue52 · 24/04/2012 22:54

Peppin I wonder if the mother is a Mner and has seen this tred.

perceptionreality · 24/04/2012 23:04

Good, I am glad Peppin. So they do know to do the correct thing. In any case, most 8 year olds I know would love a swimming / sleep over party. The parents could not think the invitee was hard done by!

SweetPea91 · 25/04/2012 01:42

I don't think this is reasonable at all, they accepted the offer to attend your dd party and should not leave early because they think something better has come up, it's strange the way some people think without the considering other people. I completely agree with sunnydelight this will teach that child that it's okay to mess people around.