Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this rude?

101 replies

Peppin · 24/04/2012 09:38

DD's birthday party is on Saturday. She's taking a few friends swimming then back to ours for tea and sleepover.

Child A's mother accepted the invitation some time ago. Last night DD said that Child A had said at school that eithr (1) she couldn't come to DD's party at all any more because she'd been invited to Child B's party and the times overlapped; or (2) she could come to DD's party but only the swimming and not the tea because straight after swimming she had to go off to Child B's party (DD wasn't sure which).

I texted the mother asking whether Child A was still coming and she just rang to say yes, Child A has been asked to this other party which is a [ACTIVITY] party and she's never done [ACTIVITY] and really wants to go but it's at 4pm (we'll probably get back from swimming around then). I just said well we will probably be back in tome for you to pick her up at 4pm but I can't guarantee it, so you'll have to let me know. She said that's fine, we'll collect her as soon as you get back.

Now I am really annoyed because (1) I think this incredibly rude (2) I am pissed off with myself for not just saying "it's one or the other" and (3) I am appalled that any parent would give their child the message that it's OK to just chop and change when you have already accepted an invitation, because a better one comes along.

AIBU? And should I phone back and tell the parents that actually we might not get back in time so if Child A really prefers [ACTIVITY] party then best not come to ours?

OP posts:
Adayforthinking · 24/04/2012 11:09

YANBU, I would also be very cross at that. I suggest that you get Child A's Mother to come to the pool and pick her up and a time when you know you will still be there, that way your child's enjoyment will not be hampered and the other children can stay longer in the pool if they want to. It may be a little inconvenient for the Mother but hey ho! Wink

I would also make sure your DD is aware that this is NOT the way to behave and use it as an example of bad manners.

I really hope that your DD has a LOVELY birthday!

catsmother · 24/04/2012 11:20

Also agree it's very rude. Have always said to my kids that once you commit to something, that's that (short of dire emergencies obviously). Leaving early to do something "better" might certainly be hurtful for the child being left ... just like the analogy put forward by a previous poster who compared it to a friend leaving a night out early to see someone else.

Unfortunately, this trend does seem to be getting more common .... parents whose main objective seems to be that precious little-whoever gets to do exactly what they want, regardless of any hurt, or indeed inconvenience and expense, caused to the party who issued the original invitation. But it's not just parties ... it's more general too, kids who see nothing wrong in dumping someone for a better offer.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 24/04/2012 11:24

I'm on the fence with this one. I know it's rude, and the parent should be telling the child to choose one party or the other, or preferably sticking to the commitment she made first.

But as a parent in the other Mums situation I would find it quite hard to tell my child they couldn't try something that they really wanted to do with other friends at a party. She may have tried to tell the child to choose one or the other and the child chose the other one, then she felt guilty at letting you and your dd down, so she's trying to keep everyone happy. It's obviously not working, but maybe she thought you would prefer her dd to go to some of the party instead of none of the party.

civilfawlty · 24/04/2012 11:38

Surely the parents' main job in this situation is to teach their child manners and consideration, which is MUCH more important than their child "doing something they really wanted to do". If they want to do it that much, the parent should either decline the first invite, or organise it themselves. The learning here is putting someone else first. Which seems sadly lacking in contemporary society...

JustFab · 24/04/2012 11:44

I think the other mum will be expecting a call when you are back from swimming.... Maybe you suggest she come to the pool to get her own kid out and dried and dressed and then go off to this other [ACTIVITY].

I think this is rude. The vaguely polite thing to do would be to cry off the whole thing. Not just get a free swim and then bugger off.

Mollydoggerson · 24/04/2012 11:51

You have already gone along with it, so you can't back out now or else you will look like an over-sensitive loon. Just mark your card, you now know these people are what we call in Ireland (me feiners) - suit themselves above all else. Just learn from the experience, don't let yourself down by getting into an awkward situation with them, just be a bit cool with them.

They may not be worth the thought or your friendship - don't waste too much head space on them.

malheureuse · 24/04/2012 11:59

I agree to ask the parent to pick up her dd from the pool or you will have the hassles of worrying over getting back in time and the mood drop when she says her goodbyes togo off to the other party[ ? that not everyone was invited to].
She will then have to make a DECISION and tell her by the sound of it, rather spoilt dd what is happening.

EssexGurl · 24/04/2012 12:05

YANBU. I always tell my DS that when he makes a commitment he sticks to it. So if one party invite comes in and he accepts, he can't change his mind because another "better" one comes along. I think that is so so so rude!!!

dreamingbohemian · 24/04/2012 12:11

I guess it's a bit rude, but I honestly don't think I'd be too bothered about it.

Though I might have suggested instead that the child go to the other party and then come to yours for the sleepover. Seems easier.

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 24/04/2012 12:12

yes I think it's pretty rude of her. I always tell my children that they need to stick to commitments and not chop and change their mind. I would put up with it but don't invite her to anything again.

LAlady · 24/04/2012 12:17

It's rude. End of.

Had similar last week with a play-date for my DD (she was due to go to a friends in Easter holidays but friend got invited to someone else's house for a sleepover so my DD had to be postponed) So far haven't seen the mum at the school gates (who wants to reschedule) but am looking forward to the discussion! Even my DD thought it was rude and she's 8 !!

Annpan88 · 24/04/2012 12:19

It is a bit annoying I suppose but I can see how she didn't think it was rude. MN has taught me that when it comes to stuff like this some people are easily offended. Not meaning to sound harsh. I guess its because your DD's party is very important to you, but just something nice to do for other people.

I don't think shes teaching her DD a particularly bad lesson, but compromising.

OAM2009 · 24/04/2012 12:21

YANBU, I think it's rude too and I agree it seems more common these days to take up the "better offer" regardless of anyone's feelings, in more and more situations.

I would be tempted to combine some of the advice here:

a) contact the other girl's mum again and offer her the chance to withdraw completely by explaining you might be late back from swimming
and then b) suggest that if she does still want to come to the swimming, then her mother collects her from the pool

I do think dreamingbohemian has also made a wise suggestion re just coming for the sleepover but that is a very kind and thoughtful suggestion. You might not want to be that nice to your rude friend Wink

choceyes · 24/04/2012 12:23

It's rude, YANBU. She had committed to your DD's party and now saying she has a better offer....very rude!

dreamingbohemian · 24/04/2012 12:23

Annpan -- I agree.

sue52 · 24/04/2012 12:25

Annpan88 The Op's daughter's party was to include swimming and a sleepover. It is rude to say yes to swimming but I've had another invite that sounds better so I'll skip the sleepover. Not a good message to send to her child.

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 24/04/2012 12:26

LAlady, that is beyond rude behaviour from the woman that you know! Whatever sort of message is she sending to her daughter; 'Invite X over sweetheart and if a better offer comes along we can uninvite her'. Is the mum a bit of a wannabe social climber by any chance, wanting to socialise with the 'right' people?

Molehillmountain · 24/04/2012 12:28

It is definitely rude. However, as a host, when this has happened I have accommodated the other person's needs. I would never allow my dc to do it though. First invitation takes precedence. I learnt this at a young age and it is one of the few things I agree with my mother on Wink

AKMD · 24/04/2012 12:29

YANBU, I thought it was common manners not to drop a previous engagement just because something better came along. Not a great message to send to child A.

Noqontrol · 24/04/2012 12:34

I think it's a bit rude. I had a couple of mums asking if I minded if they left 15 mins early from dd's party to go on to another one, and I didn't mind that as its only 15 mins, there were 30 kids at the party anyway, and that last 15 mins was just running around and playing. But in your case if the child was supposed to stay for tea and a sleepover then that is incredibly rude. The sleep over is the best bit of a party. YANBU.

Yummymummyyobe1 · 24/04/2012 12:34

This is very rude in my mind it also fails to teach the child how to organise their time for later in life.

LAlady · 24/04/2012 12:36

Lol. It's becoming more apparent why some parents don't speak to her. I have absolutely no issue with having an open and frank discussion with her about it Wink

MarySA · 24/04/2012 12:40

I think it's extremely rude, bad mannered and selfish for the child to leave to rush off to another party. Not the child of course but the parent. How totally inconsiderate of anybody's feelings. YANBU.

Merrylegs · 24/04/2012 12:40

Of course it is rude.

What's even more rude is that she relayed the message through your child and not you - until you texted her.

You shouldn't have texted her, tbh. If she wants to take her child to another party she should have rung you and said 'terribly sorry, mini-rude wants to go to other party so we will pick her up from the swimming pool at 3.30pm'

Still rude, but taking responsibility.

Now she is involving you in her re-arrangments. She sounds v needy. Ignore. Enjoy your party at your pace, finish the swim when you want. It is up to her to get her dd to the other party on time, not you.

perceptionreality · 24/04/2012 12:41

'But as a parent in the other Mums situation I would find it quite hard to tell my child they couldn't try something that they really wanted to do with other friends at a party.'

Really? I would have no problem telling my child that it's tough, maybe they'll have a chance to do it another time. But that in any case the most important thing is to have good manners and respect for the feelings of others. A child is going to have a hard time as an adult if nobody taught them the importance of honouring a commitment.

Swipe left for the next trending thread