To think this rude?

[Peppin]

DD's birthday party is on Saturday. She's taking a few friends swimming then back to ours for tea and sleepover.

Child A's mother accepted the invitation some time ago. Last night DD said that Child A had said at school that eithr (1) she couldn't come to DD's party at all any more because she'd been invited to Child B's party and the times overlapped; or (2) she could come to DD's party but only the swimming and not the tea because straight after swimming she had to go off to Child B's party (DD wasn't sure which).

I texted the mother asking whether Child A was still coming and she just rang to say yes, Child A has been asked to this other party which is a [ACTIVITY] party and she's never done [ACTIVITY] and really wants to go but it's at 4pm (we'll probably get back from swimming around then). I just said well we will probably be back in tome for you to pick her up at 4pm but I can't guarantee it, so you'll have to let me know. She said that's fine, we'll collect her as soon as you get back.

Now I am really annoyed because (1) I think this incredibly rude (2) I am pissed off with myself for not just saying "it's one or the other" and (3) I am appalled that any parent would give their child the message that it's OK to just chop and change when you have already accepted an invitation, because a better one comes along.

AIBU? And should I phone back and tell the parents that actually we might not get back in time so if Child A really prefers [ACTIVITY] party then best not come to ours?

Well said perceptionreality

I cannot comprehend parents that pussyfoot around their children, scared to tell them no or deny them anything even if it means trampling on others or hurting others' feelings

Exactly perceptionrealityGood manners are taught by example. What kind of example is child A being taught?

The problem is Child A is going to grow up to be a self centred individual expecting the world to revolve around her all because mummy couldn't say no!

I've met a few such L'Oreal children and they are a complete pain. In the long term it does children no favours to be so indulged.

I just don't think it's worth getting all worked up about.

Is the OP's daughter even upset? Because it sounds more like it's the OP being offended and hurt. And really, why not just let it go. The more you think of it as trampling on others the more upset you will be.... try to remember it's just kids, trying to have fun.

Well you can equally suggest that the party child will grow up self-centred -- all her guests must come to the entire party, no adjustments, how dare they try to do anything else on her day!

But I personally don't think you can read too much into one day in an eight-year-old's life.

For all we know the other mum has never done anything like this before and never will again, it's hardly the crime of the century.

I think it's a life lesson dreamingdohemian. Last year my husband had a local teenager for a weeks work experience. On the second day, he told Dh that he wouldn't be in after lunch as he wanted to go shopping with his mother. I wonder if he got that entitled attitude from a lifetime of over indulgence by his parents.

I see what you're saying Sue, I just think there's a big difference between a lifetime of over-indulgence and one party. I wouldn't assume the mum does this all the time, and given the OP's surprise at this she probably doesn't.

I think it can set a template for subsequent behaviour if your child thinks events have to altered to suit them as opposed to the other way round.

I agree that it's very rude, but this has happened to me a few times. You can't stop people doing things like this, you can only decide how you're going to deal with it.

It makes me wonder why some parents don't seem to want their dcs to ever have to deal with not getting what they want. It's good for them learn that sometimes you have to do what is right even though it might not be exactly what you want. I had a conversation with DD(11) about this recently. She was commenting on the behaviour of a little girl in DD2's class who is 5 and very spoilt and rude! I pointed out to DD that it's not the girl's fault, it's the parents' fault for not teaching her how to behave, and that it's a shame for her to grow up thinking she can get whatever she wants all the time. DD got what I meant and said "She might stamp her feet if she doesn't get into university!"

"Well you can equally suggest that the party child will grow up self-centred -- all her guests must come to the entire party, no adjustments, how dare they try to do anything else on her day!"

It's not quite like that though. They had already accepted the invitation to do everything and are now going back on some of it to take up a better offer. The OP has made arrangements and is spending time and money on the party to make sure all the girls have a good time.

It's not a case of "everyone who was invited must come to everything" but of "someone who agreed to come to everything now feels they have had a better offer and are picking and choosing which bits they can be bothered with."

And the other girl's parents didn't even call the OP to say they had decided to do something else halfway though her planned party, it got back to the OP through her daughter in what sounds like chinese whispers from the friend. That's rude too, if they were going to do this they should have made the effort to speak to the OP and let her know earlier rather than rely on an eight year old to pass on a proper message to another eight year old who didn't understand it.

dreamingbohemian I disagree that the OP's child will grow up to think that everyone must go to everything of hers, no matter what. If Child A's mum had said no, or even cancelled going to the party, then I don't think OP would have posted this thread, it's the fact that Child A's mum is trying to tailor everything around fitting in with and pleasing her daughter. I think it's rude the way Child A's mum is picking and choosing the part of OP's child's party that her child will go to, and trying to base everything around accommodating her daughter going to this other party too.

And it's very rude indeed that Child A's mother didn't bother to contact the OP and relayed it all via the child; this in itself speaks volumes IMO as it shows lack of respect and regard for the OP and her child. It would have been fairer and more respectful IMO if Child A's parent had said 'Look, Child A has got another party invite that she really wants to go to, I'm so sorry but we're going to have to pull out of the party', then OP could have offered the space to another child; one that is going to be appreciative of the invite and go along for the swimming AND the tea/birthday cake AND the sleepover, not just swim and then 'thanks very much I'm off to somewhere better'

But where is the child expecting events to be altered to suit her?

The party is going ahead whether she's there or not. She'd simply only be coming to a certain part of it.

I do agreee it was rude that the other mum didn't call the OP, although possibly she was still tryiing to figure out how to broach it and would have done so.

It is very embarrassing when you accept one offer then a much better one comes along (thought I am sure she will feel left out when she is back at school and hears all about the midnight feast, games, gossip and movie 'n popcorn).

This happend to us - one invite from someone who isn't a good friend (a bit of a pest in the past but trying to improve), then one from a good mate to somewhere much more fun, we just explained to DS that you cant say yes to one then yes to another as boy A would feel upset, and how would DS feel if someone did that to him. We suggested setting up a playmate with boy B later on so they could have some fun. DS was fine about it, and he has learned that it's not 'all about me' which is a lesson lacking these days!

She is expecting things to be adjusted to suit her as her mum is tailoring the times she will be going to the party to suit her. Or rather, it's her mum that is adjusting things on her DD's behalf. But it will all be giving the message to her daughter: 'you can do whatever you like darling, bugger anybody else'

If I was hosting a swimming party, tea and a sleepover, I would not be offended if people only wanted to come to some parts of it.

Everyone these days is so busy, there's always so much going on, I would personally be happy if people made time to come for however much time they had.

I think the other mum has handled things badly, but I'm not sure it's so wrong to try to find a compromise here. Or rather -- I do understand why the OP would be offended, but not everyone necessarily would be, so it's not inherently wrong.

Sorry, I still don't see how the party itself is being altered.

Basically, her parents are picking her up early. That's not really changing anything for anyone else.

I guess it boils down to 2 things with the OP, dreaming:

Firstly the mother's lackadaisical attitude in not even bothering to contact her.

And secondly the OP has said that only a few friends are going. Places are limited for things like sleepovers. Why should someone just go to part of it and then leave when that place could be taken by someone else who would love to attend the whole thing?

It just seems unfair and entitled of Child A's mother to think she can pick and choose and I think it shows selfish tendencies if she can't make consideration to either of the points I made above.

Well it is changing it for others dreamingbohemian as there will be a rush to get back from swimming 'on time' for Child A's mum to collect her. If the others are enjoying it and fancy a longer swim it will be a case of tough titties.

And it will change it for the others as the party will be an attendee down when Child A leaves.

I see what you're saying, Hex.

Yes it is a bit selfish. It's not something I would do myself. I just wouldn't be too upset if someone else did it.

As I read it, the mum will pick up her DD whenever they come back, so hopefully the OP would not have to rush back (and shouldn't do so).

I don't see how having (for example) 8 children at the swimming pool and 7 children in the house for tea is a huge change for the other attendees? It's not like someone leaving in the middle of an activity.

dreaming - how would you feel if you arranged to go out for the evening with your friend and she then told you she would be leaving half way through to go to a concert with another friend? Second best maybe?

The op's dd had only invited a few children to her party, which I assume are those in her inner circle. Once you accept the invitation you then follow it through. Otherwise you aren't much of a friend. It's about respect (or lack of).

The age of the children does not make it less significant or mean they are incapable of feeling hurt. In fact, this is the age where children start viewing friendships differently as they shift and change, and to feel more hurt if they are snubbed (ime as I have an 8 year old dd).

But that's a different scenario.

If I made plans with, say, five friends, for an entire afternoon and overnight.... and then one of them was invited to some amazing event she really wanted to go to, no I would not be offended if she went off and did that and only met up for part of the day.

I would be more likely to be hurt if she could come for part of the day but decided she just wouldn't bother coming at all, which is why I find it interesting that some people have said the mum would have been better to cancel coming rather than just come for the swimming.

Maybe I'm weird, but that's honestly how I would feel!

I think it's a bit passive aggressive to return late from the swimming pool. It would be better to call cb's mum to say that having given it some thought it would be easier for her to come and collect her daughter from the swimming pool at such and such time and that she takes care of getting her dried etc.

It is rude. You can't change your mind because you've had a better offer (unless it's a job offer!) and it is hurtful to tell the op's c that something better has come up.

yabu. She's making the effort to go to both.