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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my stepson not to marry this woman?

58 replies

WhatTheCatDraggedIn · 23/04/2012 15:49

I will name change after this as it totally gives me away to anyone who knows me.

My stepson is lovely. He is engaged to a girl who is also lovely, they are well suited etc. BUT...

She is an alcoholic.

She is receiving treatment, but there are frequent lapses. She steals alcohol, lies about it and doesn't apologise when she's caught out (she avoids us all for days / weeks after an incident because she says she can't face us).

Then she's OK for a while and then it happens again.

She has put herself and others in physical danger. She is breaking my heart.

On the one hand she is pretty much family and we should stick by her.

But today, after a pretty horrible weekend (DSS was away) with her I just want to cut her out of my life. Angry Sad

DSS is coming over at 4.30 pm today to find out what happened at the weekend. I want to tell him to break it off with her. AIBU?

OP posts:
madmouse · 23/04/2012 15:50

Doesn't matter whether YABU or not - it's not your decision.

All you can do is tell him how you see it and then back off and let him make his own mistakes.

raffle · 23/04/2012 15:51

So do they both live with you?

ChaoticAngel · 23/04/2012 15:51

YABU I can understand your feelings but you can't tell him what to do, he has to make that decision himself. Tell him what has happened but you can't tell him to leave her.

Bambino81 · 23/04/2012 15:51

How bad were weekend events?

This is a tough one cause on one hand you don't want someone breaking your DSS heart, but on the other hand, him leaving her could make her spiral out of control.

Groovee · 23/04/2012 15:53

Don't make him break up with her, that has to be his decision but tell him how you felt the weekend went and that you found it too much.

HecateTrivia · 23/04/2012 15:54

Tell him not to marry her? You have no control over who he marries. It's his choice.

You can express your concerns, certainly. But be prepared to be told to keep your nose out.

Far better to let him know that you love and support him and you are there for both of them.

Original poster
WhatTheCatDraggedIn · 23/04/2012 15:57

They live close by, we see them fairly frequently. She has stolen alcohol from my house.

I was on a pre-planned weekend away with her. There were other people there that we knew too.

She stole alcohol at 9 am in the morning and then went swimming while completely drunk. She could have drowned.

She then was out of control for the afternoon and was close to really hurting her and other people.

I was mortified for her and for me. She reeked of alcohol and at one point went for a completely unsubtle pee in a bush (basically hoiked her pants down in public and wee'd).

My DSS has had a crappy life in so many ways I feel he has an additional right to be happy.

OP posts:
TheseGoToEleven · 23/04/2012 15:57

Do they both live with you? I think you can tell him what happened, and if it was unbearable you could ask that she or they find somewhere else to live, but ultimately it's down to him.

My own MIL had that little chat with DH before he married me (not based on anything I was doing, just that she thought it was a mistake). It still burns my butt twelve years later!

empirestateofmind · 23/04/2012 15:58

Bambino- marrying her to stop her spiralling out of control is hardly fair on DSS.

It is DSS's decision what he does but he needs to be aware of the effect on everyone else of this relationship. Plus he needs to look ahead to the next 20 years. Is he prepared for the intense work that loving her and supporting her is going to be. It is not something to go into lightly.

squoosh · 23/04/2012 16:00

YANBU to not want him to marry her.

And I also think YANBU to want to speak to him about it.

Talk to him using every ounce of diplomacy in your body to see if he himself is having doubts about the chances for their longterm relationship. It may be the case that he isn't talking about her alcoholism to anyone at all and would appreciate this opportunity.

It's heartbreaking to see someone you love with an addict, no matter how lovely that addict is.

Original poster
WhatTheCatDraggedIn · 23/04/2012 16:03

Bambino I know - this is my dilemma, I do care about her. But she has to be happy for herself and with herself, she can't rely on a husband for happiness.

I don't judge her for being an alcoholic. She has a disease. But I can't deal with the lying.

I think I will suggest that they think about postponing the wedding until she is further down the recovery path.

She told me (when she was drunk) that she was dreading the wedding day - all those people drinking alcohol while she wanted to and couldn't.

OP posts:
Original poster
WhatTheCatDraggedIn · 23/04/2012 16:09

TheseGoToEleven again, I know.

Imagine me at their 20th wedding anniversary celebration remembering me telling him not to go through with it.

I can equally imagine getting a call from him in the middle of the night asking for help because she's in a state (this has happened), and then having to support him through a divorce.

She is talking about starting a family as soon as they can, I don't know if that gives her a positive goal or just extra stress that will drive her to drink.

OP posts:
Original poster
WhatTheCatDraggedIn · 23/04/2012 16:10

He's just arrived.

OP posts:
Bambino81 · 23/04/2012 16:12

Empire - yes I agree, but if he loves her this will be an issue for him, in many ways

EdithWeston · 23/04/2012 16:23

Have they set a date?

Postponing the wedding until she is in a better place IYSWIM seems like the least bad option. You do need to tell DSS what happened at the weekend, not least because the events were in front of others, and he may get a much less kind/neutral account if it comes from someone other than you.

MadamFolly · 23/04/2012 16:32

Would she drink through a pregnancy?

Would your SS be able to cope with watching his wife slowly poisoning his baby?

MrsTerryPratchett · 23/04/2012 16:35

I think you can talk to him about it but not "tell" him not to marry her. You can, in your parental role, ask him about his thoughts and support him. On the subject of starting a family, that is more troubling. I think I would hopes never to be in this position tell him that you have an absolute duty to report to SS if you think she is endangering her child. You will not discuss it, negotiate or wait, you will tell SS at the first incidence of unsafe or neglectful behaviour. This may of course hurt your relationship.

Lulumama · 23/04/2012 16:40

is he in denial about her alcoholism?

CoteDAzur · 23/04/2012 16:44

YANBU to tell him that you think he shouldn't marry her, but don't expect him to listen to you.

He will probably go ahead and marry her. He will then probably divorce.

If you don't give him a reality check now, what do you intend to tell him when he comes to you in the future and say "Why didn't any of you give me a good talking to when I was planning to marry this woman?"

toofattorun · 23/04/2012 16:45

Oh my goodness, I feel so worried for you. You must be going through a lot of torment wondering what to do. You've got to speak to your boy. He shouldn't marry her. He will be miserable.

Birdsgottafly · 23/04/2012 16:53

In a way he isn't doing her any good by just allowing this behaviour and keeping her 'proped up', alcoholics need tough love.

They both need directing to support groups/organisations.

Eve if he decides to carry on as they are,doesn't mean that the rest of the family should not put bounderies in place.

Original poster
WhatTheCatDraggedIn · 23/04/2012 18:15

Just a quick update, he is still here and is staying here the night.

I just told him what happened and then listened to him talk. He is in tears and doesn't know what to do, he is furious with her.

She is getting treatment but it's slow progress, in that we haven't really seen any improvement.

He has told her he won't consider having children while this is going on.

It's so sad.

OP posts:
Original poster
WhatTheCatDraggedIn · 23/04/2012 18:16

He's not in denial about the problem, but he's maybe over-optimistic about the future and the likelihood she can be "cured".

OP posts:
Lulumama · 23/04/2012 18:20

what treatment is she in? does she have a GP to support her, does she go to AA? the whole relationship sounds dreadful, and you should tell your DSS the truth about her, that she was drinking and then drunk so early in the day, and that she is feeling hard done to she can't drink at her own wedding, though if she is an alcoholic, no doubt sh ewill be drinking, just not publicly?

mummytime · 23/04/2012 19:58

Is your DSS in touch with Alanon? If not I suggest he contact them and gets some real support and information from those who really know.

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