To tell my stepson not to marry this woman?

[WhatTheCatDraggedIn]

I will name change after this as it totally gives me away to anyone who knows me.

My stepson is lovely. He is engaged to a girl who is also lovely, they are well suited etc. BUT...

She is an alcoholic.

She is receiving treatment, but there are frequent lapses. She steals alcohol, lies about it and doesn't apologise when she's caught out (she avoids us all for days / weeks after an incident because she says she can't face us).

Then she's OK for a while and then it happens again.

She has put herself and others in physical danger. She is breaking my heart.

On the one hand she is pretty much family and we should stick by her.

But today, after a pretty horrible weekend (DSS was away) with her I just want to cut her out of my life.

DSS is coming over at 4.30 pm today to find out what happened at the weekend. I want to tell him to break it off with her. AIBU?

Well, can you imagine the wedding where the bride is a roaring drunk pissing in the bushes and wont remember a thing about her own wedding day after? How will the groom cope with this?

I don't have much to add to what everyone else has said, but just wanted to pick up on your comment about your son not fancying the religious aspect of Al Anon.

I recently went to my first Al Anon meeting, with my mum (my brother's the alcoholic, lives with my parents, my mum finds it very difficult to cope with his drinking). My mum is quite a believer in God but I am a complete atheist so I also had serious doubts. However, it was definitely worth going. Being with an alcoholic is - as you know - isolating in that for most people, they are the only person they know on this situation. There is no measure against which to determine how bad "your" alcoholic's behaviour is. And you can normalise so much that over time your view of the situation becomes totally warped.

In my case I am slightly removed from "my" alcoholic but going to the meeting with my mum I could see what a powerful experience it was for her to hear the others' stories - often stories of living with their alcoholic for years and years - my mum finally understood that all those hiding the bottles/pouring them away behaviours are not normal and do not "help" as only the alcoholic can help him/herself.

The catchphrase of Al Anon is "detach with love" and I think this is key to your son. He obviously loves her but needs to understand that he cannot "fix" her with his love. If she loves him enough, she will fix herself. Unfortunately she may be in too painful a place to break the cycle but that is her decision. Your son may need help in drawing some boundaries, but without boundaries he will only be facilitating her behaviour as there will be no consequences to it for her. Al Anon could help him re-draw the boundaries of what he will and will not do for his fiancé.

I hope things work out. Your son sounds like a very decent man - you must be proud.

I can only reiterate what others have said. My late brother was an alcoholic who suffered with depression but I don't think he was 100% convinced he had a problem with alcohol. No-one can really help an alcoholic unless they themselves really accept they have a problem and genuinely want to change their life - and they are never "cured".

Your son does, indeed, sound like a decent man but he may need someone else to tell him it's ok for him to walk away from this situation. He then may benefit from counselling as he may well feel terribly guilty - I know I did, and still do. Also walking away will be painful, may well be protracted and may not change her behaviour - my brother lost a fantastic girl because of his drinking but still carried on and I know from his diary that he was lying to his counsellor about his drinking even when he was on a rehab program.

Sorry not to be more upbeat but life around an alcoholic is not fun - and you can never rely on them.

Hope things work out

Thanks Peppin and readsalotgirl, I felt a bit teary reading those. I'm so sorry about your uncle and your brother respectively.

I thought "our" alcoholic wasn't too bad but writing this thread has made me remember all the separate incidents and it feels like we have never stepped back and thought about it all. Hopefully Al-anon will help.

He is indeed a decent man, one of the best. He is "only" my stepson but I love him like my own, and just want him to be happy.

When I came home this evening there was a bunch of flowers and a card from her, first time that kind of gesture has been made.

it seems as if he is going to give her another chance, to see if the counselling makes a difference. No talk of cancelling the wedding but I think he won't be afraid of the fallout if that's the decision that has to be made.

Well, the wedding is off.

She has not managed to control / beat her addiction without more help and she is going into residential rehab for four weeks tomorrow.

There was an incident yesterday which was the final nail in the coffin for everyone, including her.

DSS is in pieces, his face is red raw from crying. He is dreading having to tell everyone, and dealing with the questions.

No one is making any decisions about the long term but there is no way she will be well enough for a wedding this year.

I hate alcohol.

Just read this thread and think that, although this is absolutely dreadful for your DSS (and for you too) it is probably a very good thing in the long term. Hopefully her going into rehab will kick start her proper recovery - and being married to her was never going to be healthy for your SS.
It sounds like the best decision all round - but hell at the moment.

I am so for you, but maybe it's for the best?
The dramatic consequences could perhaps have a positive impact?

Please tell your DSS that he should not be dreading what will others say.
His wife to be is unwell-there is nothing else 'everyone' need to know about.

Thank you.

Yes, we are hoping that this latest incident is a symptom of her recovery. So many issues have come to the surface, plus the realisation that this is a life long problem for her, I think it has become overwhelming.

In the whole scheme of things a cancelled wedding is a minor problem. I have thought for a long time that it wasn't a good idea to go ahead but I had to smile and be supportive to my DSS.

She is being so determined today, trying to find the right treatment. She seems so motivated to beat this. We have been advised that she needs to take control of her own problems. The biggest hurdle at the moment is money, she can't afford the £££s it costs so she needs an NHS referral and may have to wait 6 weeks.