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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think attempted rape is a good reason for a separation?

59 replies

freddy05 · 23/04/2012 12:35

So one partner makes three attempt in one week to rape the other, they do finally after much kicking and screaming and many many nos take no for an answer but they've tried it three times. Is it unreasonable to ask the partner to leave the home to have some time apart and time to think?

OP posts:

YonWhaleFish · 23/04/2012 12:36

isn't it usual to involve the police?!

CailinDana · 23/04/2012 12:37

No it's not reasonable to ask the partner to leave. That is a massive underreaction. It is reasonable to call the police and have them remove the partner forcibly from the home, preferably to a prison cell.

ThereGoesTheYear · 23/04/2012 12:38

They should be separated by the bars of a prison cell.
I hope you're OK, freddy.

ChickenSkin · 23/04/2012 12:38

Time to think???

mind boggles

HecateTrivia · 23/04/2012 12:38

I agree with Yon. Someone trying to rape someone is a crime.

It is certainly not unreasonable to boot them out.

I am unsure what there is to think about. Is the person considering remaining in a relationship with someone who tries to rape them?

I would urge this person to think again.

BarbarianMum · 23/04/2012 12:38

It would certainly be a good reason for leaving and not seeing the other person again.

Or calling the police (attempted rape being a crime)...

Actually, you wouldn't need 3 attempts, 1 would be more than enough.

Is this something that has happened to you? Are you safe?

boringnickname · 23/04/2012 12:39

Can you give us a bit more info freddy? Is his you we are talking about? You know that this is totally unacceptable, no means no - end of. A bit of gentle persuasion after a no, well ok, but if its no, then its NO otherwise its rape. Just because penetration didnt take place it doesnt mean that there hasn't been an assault, if you have had to kick and scream to prevent it then he needs to go, preferably to prison

MagsAloof · 23/04/2012 12:42

The police should be called. Easier said than done, though, if the partner is violent and intimidating.

Need more details.

FreudianSlipper · 23/04/2012 12:45

police shoudl be called and an injunction put in place. there are unlikely to see what they have done wrong so unlikely to leave

please keep you or if this is about a friend safe

AnyFucker · 23/04/2012 12:55

The perpetrator should have been removed by the police after the first attempted rape, not allowed to stick around to have a few more "goes"

what fucked-up kind of scenario is going on here ?

lurkingaround · 23/04/2012 12:59

Are you serious?? Are you really wondering if it's reasonable to be a victim of attempted rape, and politely ask the attacker to leave?

Involve the police now.

Chilenachica · 23/04/2012 13:08

If "time to think" is to get your head around things like "how/why could he do this- how did I get into this relationship" then, yes

If it means to find a way to fix the problem and continue, then no, no NO

As has already been said, police should be involved, or if the victim is scared witless then a trusted friend should be helping, or Women's Aid.

Original poster

freddy05 · 23/04/2012 13:10

it's all a mess. The 'victim' is a long way from any family help, not that they'd be all that helpful anyway and is surrounded by the other partners family so it's not really easy to get out of.

It happened weeks ago so the police might not take it seriously now. 'victim' hasn't slept properly since it happened and is really beginning to struggle with everyday things. Partner was asked to leave last week and agreed but then changed their mind.

The only person the 'victim' has is me but I was beginning to wonder if my reaction was unreasonable because of what was being said by both sides which is why I asked.

thank you for the reassurance that I was right that the victim deserved some space atleast.

OP posts:

NormaStanleyFletcher · 23/04/2012 13:10

What they all said ^^ up there

boringnickname · 23/04/2012 13:13

I would be suggesting Women's Aid, the police WILL be interested, but yes, it would have been better if reported at the time, so if this was to happen again, its a 999 situation! It is THAT serious.

OhdearNigel · 23/04/2012 13:15

It happened weeks ago so the police might not take it seriously now

They will. It is totally normally in these types of case. In fact I have a marital rape case in court next week which was not reported until several months later. I have historic rapes cases where the offences happened years ago - these have been sucessfully sentenced with the offenders now in prison

Original poster

freddy05 · 23/04/2012 13:41

Chilen - I'm not sure the victim can see how to get away I think they were hoping that if the partner left then they would have to tell someone why and then other people might be horrified enough to help find a way out.

Partner agreeing to leave and then changing their mind worries me because I think it suggests they are playing games and that there is probably a lot of history before it came to this.

OP posts:

NormaStanleyFletcher · 23/04/2012 14:18

Is the victim in the UK? The police will help, as will women's aid or possibly rape crisis.

Original poster

freddy05 · 23/04/2012 15:35

yes in the UK.

I'm not sure that things will change, partner won't go having agreed to and victim has nowhere to go without leaving everything which wouldn't be good for the rest of the family.

I will make sure that I do all I can to support them in doing something though.

thanks for the reassurance that I wasn't over reacting.

OP posts:

McHappyPants2012 · 23/04/2012 16:09

Yanbu, rape is a very serious crime, it even more appalling in a relationship as you are meant to love the person :( hope your friend see sense and get rid of this rapist

FrothyDragon · 23/04/2012 16:36

Freddy, is this likely to be any help to the victim? Getting an injunction

The police will still take this seriously. Rape Crisis or Women's Aid could provide more support, regardless of what the victim decides to do.

Chilenachica · 23/04/2012 16:46

Freddy

Do you have space for them, including any children? I know it's a huge change, but if I was in your place I would offer everything I could spare to help the move. That's me, I'm not saying you must.

He isn't going to change, she needs to get herself away from him, with the help of the police. Can you help her to contact someone locally, one of the organisations must have a number she can call, or ask if she want's you to make the first call. Can she get a 2nd mobile to call them?

I can see why she suggested having time to think, it gets him out and then she can say she doesn't want to try again, but it's clear now that he isn't going to leave.

Debsbear · 23/04/2012 16:52

How is her leaving not going to be good for the family? If she has children then she needs to take them with her. Womens Aid would give her the help she needed and she should certainly go to the police, they will definitley be "interested" and take it seriously even it this was a few weeks ago.

Original poster

freddy05 · 23/04/2012 17:21

Thanks Frothydragon I'll try and pass the information on to her.

Chilenachica I would take them all in a second but coming here would not be going very far if you know what I mean, the way things are she can only get 'out' if she goes over 100 miles away to family who might not have her anyway and that would mess up schools and nurseries and jobs. he needs to go but he won't or worse he says he will then changes his mind which really upset her.

I'm going to try talking to her again now I'm sure I'm not over reacting and try and find some way to get him out. if he'd held his hands up, said sorry, left when she asked him to and got some help of some sort I think I could see how it wasn't totally over but he hasn't so there's every chance he'll do it again :-(

OP posts:

Triggles · 23/04/2012 18:01

Unfortunately, she needs to understand that in order to get away from him that she may have to leave the area, regardless of whether or not it messes up schools, nurseries, and jobs. Because many domestic offenders will continue to pursue, harass, and pressure the victim if they are in the same geographical area.

And while obviously it's helpful to give her support and encouragement and info on how to leave, she most likely won't leave or separate from him until either she is ready or he is arrested. And even then due to emotional conditioning, the "forever break" from him may still be a long time coming, if at all.

I'm not saying that to be difficult... but I have been in that situation, as well as worked for police for years after that. SOP in this type of thing is for the offender to agree to whatever she says (not happen again, will move out, whatever) but then when push comes to shove, he won't comply because generally he's had a few days to work on her (either by good behaviour or more force) and she either gives in or is scared to push it.

But no.. you are not overreacting.

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