to think attempted rape is a good reason for a separation?

[freddy05]

So one partner makes three attempt in one week to rape the other, they do finally after much kicking and screaming and many many nos take no for an answer but they've tried it three times. Is it unreasonable to ask the partner to leave the home to have some time apart and time to think?

don't worry Feakandweeble I know it's a difficult subject for lots of people but my first, last and only thought was get him out now and look after yourself and your kids and I thought when she asked him to leave and he said he would that that was what was going to happen but since he changed his mind she seems to have come to thinking it was an unreasonable thing to ask him to do, he would of course have to give some explanation for why she asked him to leave which he obviously didn't want to have to do.

I'm not going to push her because that really isn't what she needs but I am going to pass on the information and links and suggestions and hope she forms the right conclusion soon.

Can you get her to come on MN, there is a campaign on here "we believe you"

Poor friend I bet she is very scared and in a bad way xxxx

It is important though, yellow. That's really the whole point. Language is so important. It conveys meaning, passes a message, describes attitudes. It does make a very big difference if you say "surely courts don't take marital rape as seriously as stranger rape" and not "Do courts take marital rape as seriously as stranger rape?" It makes such a huge difference.

She is in a bad way and if she could get a couple of nights sleep she would probably be far more able to think straight but I'm not sure how she's going to get that.

next time she's here I think I'll try and get her to have a look on here I know she won't do it from home but then she won't look into any of the suggestions from home so I will try to get her here at some point.

thanks again everyone

Freddy

I understand what you mean about the distance, when I helped a friend we were within walking distance-not good.

I really hope your friend comes to her senses, meant in the best possible way as I know first hand how manupilative abusive people are, and contacts someone who can give her practical and legal help soon. In the meantime I suppose all you can do is be there for her. At least she has a friend who is willing to help.

Hectate, as I said, I don't mean to hijack. But though I agree language is important, so is translation. I think I do question whether the general attitude is that this situation is less devastating to the victim, because they have previously slept with the attacker. I honestly don't see that anyone can answer the question unless they can compare both situations. And obviously I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

I think the situation that I'm involved in is difficult because it is a civil situation rather than a criminal one where the attacker has jeered at the victim many times that he 'raped' her but she never went to the police, has several children by him, and has no further evidence other than the deeply upsetting recollection which her H would most likely deny. She was particularly vulnerable at the time and the marriage was (silently) violent. He has been almost schoolboyish in his approach and would get a buzz out of her giving evidence which was dismissed. It's a very difficult situation and I don't feel well equipped to give advice. I was hoping someone else could.

Apologies OP.

Police WILL take your friend seriously. It is very easy to feel that nobody will believe, but they do, because the story will resonate with so many others of the same nature. Your friend would be likely to be referred to rape and sexual assault support services, and they are good.

It is harder to get a conviction for domestic rape, because there are so many grey areas, such as having slept together before and after etc.

It is normal for such sex attacks (by a known person) to be reported down the line because of the psychological trauma involved. Please don't take that to mean that there is no psych trauma in stranger rapes - of course there is, and I will never minimise it. However domestic rape is different because it is by someone with whom you have invited into your lfe, and bed, you may share children with the perpetrator, you are likely to share friends and family, it is your word against theirs and you risk isolation.

Whether she pursues the legal route or not is up to her. It is easy to say that for the sake of other women men like this must be prosecuted etc, but no victim is responsible for the behaviour of a sex offender, and the victim's wellbeing is paramount. Very difficult to be a lone parent, while going through family courts AND going through a rape case too.

What she needs to do if she is going to be ok in the short term and in the long term is get safe. Safe enough to sleep without fear of attack.

I agree with you, Yellow, in that there are some people out there who think in terms of 'degrees' of rape. That includes judges. And police. Hell, not so many years ago there WAS no such crime as rape within marriage.

There are also people out there who think you can't rape a prostitute - or if you do, it doesn't matter.
There are people out there who think that if a woman is drunk, or wearing revealing clothes, and is raped after a night out at a club, they deserve less sympathy than a woman covered head to toe who was raped on her way home from church

Rape is rape. There are no degrees of it. There are no circumstances under which it's ok, or less not ok. Or deserved. Or understandable. Rape is rape. End of.

And that's why asking the question in a way that is also used to ask questions incredulously - shouldn't happen. When a question starts, for example, Surely you don't think....It presupposes that the answer is no. It's that that came across.

Imagine being a woman raped within her marriage, reading that surely it's not as bad as stranger rape. It goes back to not having the right to say no. You're married. Your body is his.

Being raped by someone you know may be a different kind of devastating. You know them. They may still be in your life. How can someone who claims to love you do that to you. How can they smile at you across the cornflakes after doing that to you? How devastating must that be?

It's no less devastating than being grabbed from between two garages by two men when you were twelve.

I hope you understand what I am saying.

don't worry yellowtip post like this always end up with multiple threads of need I find.

Maristella I'm trying to talk her into a trip away with the children, weekend with friends kind of thing if we can get it past him, we've done it before so hopefully we can and then she can hopefully get a couple of nights sleep and a break but I know it might be harder to get him to allow it now if he thinks she might take the opportunity to talk but I can only try.

thankyou again everyone