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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think attempted rape is a good reason for a separation?

59 replies

freddy05 · 23/04/2012 12:35

So one partner makes three attempt in one week to rape the other, they do finally after much kicking and screaming and many many nos take no for an answer but they've tried it three times. Is it unreasonable to ask the partner to leave the home to have some time apart and time to think?

OP posts:
maristella · 23/04/2012 18:21

It can take a long time to get to grips with the fact that someone you trust would hurt you sexually. For me that took months, about 8 or 9 months, and that was with someone I had not been with for long at all. I think it would be harder to come to terms with an assault from someone who had been in your life for a long time.

Your friend is likely to be in the early stages of this, she knows he has done wrong, she knows this because she cannot sleep and cannot trust him.

FeakAndWeeble · 23/04/2012 18:24

Of course the police would take it seriously, it's a fucking crime! Doesn't matter when it happened - could be 50 years ago, doesn't matter, they'd still investigate!

I cannot believe you'd need to check on a bloody forum as to whether it's unreasonable to ask for some 'space' following an attempted sexual assault. WTF????!!!

xMumof3x · 23/04/2012 18:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Yellowtip · 23/04/2012 18:38

OhdearNigel surely courts don't take marital rape as seriously as 'stranger' rape (for want of a better term). And aren't the police or family courts very cynical about cases reported years later?

AnyFucker · 23/04/2012 18:49

YT...are you being serious ?

MagsAloof · 23/04/2012 18:50

I really hope YT is it serious@AF

Yellowtip · 23/04/2012 18:51

AF don't jump to conclusions - I'm interested in the answer and assume Nigel is a police officer or lawyer.

AnyFucker · 23/04/2012 18:53

it didn't look much like a question, YT, it looked like incredulity to me

HecateTrivia · 23/04/2012 18:53

Is that a joke? There are degrees of rape?

Er. No. There aren't.

Yellowtip · 23/04/2012 18:55

No, it's a genuine question for a genuine reason along the lines that the OP is asking her question.

HecateTrivia · 23/04/2012 18:58

surely courts don't take marital rape as seriously as stranger rape

would have been far better worded as Do courts take marital rape as seriously as stranger rape

And the answer to that question would be no. They often don't.

But surely they don't reads like it is right that they don't. It sounds like you didn't mean it to read that way, right?

AnyFucker · 23/04/2012 18:59

I guess we'll have to take your word for it, YT

and I am very sorry if you are asking the question because of something that happened to you

but it's that sort of incredulity that stops people from reporting, and thinking that they don't have the right to seek justice. There are no degrees of rape. Marital rape has been a crime for some time now. Historical rape cases are difficult territory, but have been successfully prosecuted.

they do have the right to report and to expect to be taken fully seriously (and you do, if it's you)

Yellowtip · 23/04/2012 19:00

Forget the wording Hectate, it isn't really important. The answer is more so.

McHappyPants2012 · 23/04/2012 19:01

Op your friend has a way out, a know the sound of living in a hostel and claiming benefits..... But it a better saying in a " relationship" being raped

MagsAloof · 23/04/2012 19:04

To answer your question, Yellowtip, being raped by your husband, a colleague, a male friend, a relative, a neighbour, a stranger...

= RAPE.

Historical rape and abuse cases are increasingly being pursued and have better conviction rates than ever before.

HTH

Yellowtip · 23/04/2012 19:07

Thanks Mags obviously I'm clear on the definition though I wonder what the situation is where an attacker doesn't think of an all out full assault such as OP describes, as 'rape'. And are such attacks within marriage more usual in generally violent marriages? I assume that doesn't lessen their gravity in the eyes of the courts?

MagsAloof · 23/04/2012 19:09

I think an awful lot of rapists don't think they are rapists.

mathanxiety · 23/04/2012 19:13

The relationship sounds horrible on every front, not just the attempted rape. If he agrees to go then can change his mind and just stay, he is clearly thinking he is running the show and doesn't answer to anyone, thinks his continued presence is perfectly reasonable despite knowing he has done something that his partner objected to so strongly the issue of him leaving cam up in the first place.

Please get your friend to go to her police station and talk to the dv officer and also to contact women's aid..

AnyFucker · 23/04/2012 19:13

most rapists would not identify as such

I still don't get your point, YT Confused

mathanxiety · 23/04/2012 19:16

While it is all wrong, reporting rates and conviction rates for rape are quite low. There are many factors inhibiting reporting and many factors stand in the way of conviction.

There are ways to get this man to leave though. FrothyDragon's link shows how to get an injunction. A dv officer may be able to help with this too as well as helping with the attempted rape situation.

Yellowtip · 23/04/2012 19:20

I don't want to hijack the thread AF. But in short it's relevant to someone close who isn't sure whether to bring this up in the family courts in her current case because she doesn't want it to be treated lightly while at the same time giving her H 'cred' for an attack he taunted her about. I haven't been able to give decent advice.

AnyFucker · 23/04/2012 19:27

That sounds horrible, YT. I was just about to ask if you, or someone close to you had been badly treated by the Justice System, hence the nature of your questions. Which is a very common occurence, sadly, but hopefully getting better all the time as society shifts it's focus from the victim to the perpetrator. < keeps hoping...>

I wouldn't know what to advise in that situation either Sad

splashymcsplash · 23/04/2012 19:36

OP where is your friend? Just roughly.. in the UK or not? That would help people to be able to give relevant advice.

Original poster
freddy05 · 23/04/2012 19:37

Thank you everyone for the advice and information sorry if this seemed an unreasonable question to ask feakandweeble I've spent a long time trying to make her see that this should be a deal breaker but as she seems to be becoming more convinced by him by the day I was just looking for some reassurance I was right. I would hate to become another person who is trying to make her do what I say when it's a totally unreasonable idea.

OP posts:
FeakAndWeeble · 23/04/2012 19:58

Sorry freddy05. Didn't mean to come accross quite so angry. Was a bit close to home and I just hate hate hate the fact that so many people don't view rape with the abhorrence it deserves (not suggesting that's you, it just struck me as a really weird thing to ask an AIBU about).

I hope your friend is OK. This has made me very Sad

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