to want to know about your relationship with your siblings?

[BobMarley]

Is it good? Bad?

I only have one brother, 3 years older and we didn't get on very well in our childhood but we get on very well now. He was very active and loud whilst I was more inclined to read a book in a corner. He teased me a lot. But obviously I didn't have any other siblings to pick from so I wonder if you have more than one sibling, do you have a favourite one?

I have three children myself (DD1 6, DD2 5 and DS1 2) so wonder if their experience of siblings is going to very different from mine.

Not at all StandingAlone. I'm intrigued by the causes (if there are any) of good/bad sibling relationships. Tbh, apart from possible mental ill-health, I wonder if your brother has just been spoilt and has indeed no reason to change as it works for him!

I am one of four. Dont remember playing with my siblings much (the eldest is 15 years older, 2nd eldest is 8 years older and the last is 6 years older).
got slapped by my sister for nicking her stuff mostly!
Now though I get on very well with the 2nd and 3rd but my eldest brother is just too much older than me for us to have much of a relationship. Get on well with his wife and kids though!

Standing - agree about the boys being the golden ones - i was not the first child (my sister) nor was I the boy. I was jsut another useless girl.

I don;t have contact with anyone from my family other than mum; when she passes i will not even get xmas cards from siblings or father.

BobMarley You are right, I suppose I was trying to give him the benefit of the doubt by saying maybe there are mental ill-health issues at work. He is a very spoilt person not just materialistically but in every day life, he is a very entitled person IYSWIM.

Thank you for starting this thread I didn't realise I had all this knotted up inside my head and feel lighter for getting it out

I have an older sister (6 yr age gap) and younger brother (2yr gap). We all get on brilliantly and I love them both to bits. My sister is my best friend. I've grown closer and closer to her over the years, she would always play with us when we were little but obviously we didn't have much in common when she was say 14 and I was 8. Always played a lot with my brother, we had all sorts of games to see us through the summer holidays. Now we are all in 20s/30s we still socialise and all our partners get on well too.
I think our parents were instrumental in this they never played favourites, treat us fairly and still do. I never felt in competition with my siblings and always wanted them to do well and feel so proud of them both now.

captainmummy it is devastating isn't it, being the gender that either one or both parents didn't want. I get upset when I see threads about wanting a particular gender child because I know the damage it does. My self esteem was non existent for many years, with the help of DH, my in-laws, counselling and assertiveness training I have become to realise that I am allowed to be here and to be a person in my own right.

I am curious as to how your relationship is with your mum, if you don't mind me asking, how did you get on when growing up and how do you get on now?
Please don't feel like you have to answer my questions though

I have 2 sisters. Nothing to do with either of them. suits me

Well I have a different situation in that my elder brother has severe learning/physical disabilites. We have always been loving and close and i adore him. The relationship has changed over the years as I have grown up, left home and had my own life, but his has stayed the same. Since our mum died and dad is getting older, I feel he becoming more of my child IYSWIM. I mean this in terms of being his advocate and carer more and more. I love him sooo much

Our younger brother is a very different kettle of fish though. He is 3 years younger than me, and we have never really got on from very early on. We now (by mutual agreement), have no relationship at all. He is a very bitter angry person, and he scares me a little. He hates my guts. Luckily he is married to a really lovely woman (so there must be something nice about him I can't see!), and we have a pretty good realtionship and I get to see my nephews a bit, and they are able to have a replationship with my kids, their cousins.

I know that in the future we are going to have to actually speak (when Dad dies), but until then, he will continue to blank me and my kids whenever we happen to be in the same place.

In lots of ways I feel like a only child.

I have a sister who's a year and a bit older and a sister who's seven years younger than I. I don't have any relationship with my older sister. We used to play a lot when we were young kids, so much so it would drive my mother mad as we would be up all night talking and playing but then things changed, for various reasons.

As we got older, especially as teenagers, she would do whatever she could to annoy me. Literally every moment she was around me she would say something nasty or try to get on my nerves in some way. It ground me down quite a lot until I got to about 15 and I decided I wasn't going to put up with it any more. So I told her I was ignoring anything that came out of her mouth that wasn't kind or positive. And I stuck to it. It drove her mad at first because she was used to me reacting, then she just stopped talking to me. She literally could not say anything kind or positive to me. We don't talk at all now. I see her now and again, perhaps twice a year, and we are civil but I don't like her. She is childish and selfish.

I adore my younger sister. I helped out with looking after her a lot and in many ways we have a mother/daughter relationship because our mother was closed off and uninterested in us, so she looked to me for affection and help with her problems. She is moving closer to me soon and I cannot wait. We fought a couple of times when we were younger but mostly it was us against our older sister, who would also try her best to torture her. She is desperate to move out of home just to get away from our older sister (who still lives there). We have rarely had a cross word. She is just a lovely person.

It's funny that such different relationships grew out of the same household. I think things could have been different between myself and my older sister if my mother had stepped in once in a while but she couldn't be bothered, so my sister got away with making everyone's life hell. Well my mother will get her comeuppance now once my younger sister leaves and older sister has no one but my parents to torture.

It's very sad to read these stories, I'm very sorry for the things you've had to go through.

I have an older brother and sister, 6.5 and 7.5 years older then me. We weren't particularly close growing up I think due to the age gap but once I got to about 17 we've got lots closer.

I have an easier relationship with my brother, we can go weeks not being in touch then talk everyday for a week and it's always the same. We know we can be honest and tell eachother anything, helps we get on with eachothers partners too. We have a laugh together, very similar in humour and lifestyle.

My sister and I have had issues, mainly I think due to our mother stirring! Once we realised this about 10 years ago we've been great. We are very different personalities so can wind eachother up but she's my support, the first person I would ring in a crisis and vice versa. I trust her completely.

My brother and sister also get on well so we're a happy bunch.

I wonder how much favouritism when you grew up is part of strained relationships. Quite a few of you mention it.

As Katienana says her parents didn't have favourits and therefore no competition with siblings.

I would say my brother was not so much favourite but my mum found it easier to relate to my brother as she grew up as one of the oldest and only had (younger) brothers and a mother that died young. I think she found it difficult to relate to a girl and I have to admit that I was a bit raised like a boy and often still am uncomfortable with 'girly girls' as I can't relate.

My mum and I have a great relationship now though.

My sister is 3 years younger than me, growing up we fought, but also played together and stood up for one another.

Weren't so close in our teen years, however recently she told me that she was bereft when I left home at 18 and felt that I had abandoned her - at the time I never realised.

We kept in touch mainly through our parents until the children came along and I moved back to the town they live in.

Now she is one of my closest friends and our children are also friends. We speak / see each other several times a month and text a couple of times a week.

She's exactly the sort of person that I want to be like, and someone that I would choose as a friend. I love her very very much.

I'm lucky as DH is has brothers and sisters and doesn't see or speak to any of them. He was sent away to boarding school at the age of 8 so didn't really get to form relationships with them

A brother who is 4 years younger. We never got on growing up, always fighting, now he lives with my mum after disaster relationships. He comes to mine every year for xmas dinner and we see each other in passing but don't stay in touch.

I also have 2 sisters who are 15 and 17 years younger than me. I moved out when they were very young but we all stay in touch and regularly meet up and slag the rest of the family off . I love my sisters to death and feel extremely protective and motherly towards them, maybe that is what it is? They are obviously very close, much closer to each other but as a bunch of siblings we work and once a year the WHOLE family come to mine and have a very good day.

Standing - my mum is lovely, calm, practical, but not affectionate, loving or caring in the usual sense. She will show her affection by cooking (she cooks for an army when we go there!) but will barely touch anyone. She was quite downtrodded by dad, and is of that generation that beleives the man is king, and a husband is better than nothing.

She comes from a large family (10 kids!) and is in contact with most of her siblings at least once a month, so she feels badly that I don't stay in contact with my sister or brother (or father) and she has had a go at me before about it. I ignore it.

I see her about 3 times a year, phone 2-3 times a month. I know she loves me and the dc, but have this tacit agreement not to touch, or speak of feelings.

I'm quite a strong person, have my own life and friends, and don't feel the need to keep in touch with those who only leech away, family or not.

BobMarley

Favouritism is definitely a problem with me and my sister, except I'm the favourite. I just don't think my parents ever intended to have a favourite, it just happened, almost like a thin crack that over the years has become a chasm.

I have a complicated family! Have 1 "whole" sister iyswim-she took my mums side and disowned me 4 years ago Havent seen or spoken to her in 2 years.

Have a much younger half sister whom I used to be very close too-I brought her up really as my mum has issues. But she moved out of home to live with her twunt of a bf when she was 17. Havent seen her in 2 years and only have ocntact via text/fb-her choice. I would love to be close to her again but think she just sees me as an old fuffy duddy now

I also have another half sister and 2 half brothers. Have only met them a handful of times but used to be close to sister-speak on phone/write etc. But she we have grown up and had our own families we have grown apart.

I have 3 dcs and would be devastated if they ended up with similiar relationships with their siblings.

Dh has 1 brother whom he would consider his bf-see each other every week at inlaws and go out a couple of times a year.

Glad to make you feel better StandingAlone. You have helped me too, I do spoil my youngest DS a bit too much sometimes because I'm a bit tired of doing the toddler thing again and he is VERY stubborn. Not good, and I think I'm expecting my girls to 'humour' him a lot for an easier life except that in the long run it won't be easier and it could be seen as favouritsm. I could create a very entitled little brother. It is a good reminder to not go down that road!

I have one younger sister, there's 4 years between us. We were quite close growing up and as teens, but I hardly ever see her now. Not from lack of trying on my part, she's just not interested. I've stopped trying now. She only lives less than 2 miles away. I see her occasionally when we visit my dad, and she sees the kids then, but isn't interested in them a lot of the time. Although she does buy them birthday and Christmas presents.

I have 3 dds (well eldest is my DSD), 19, 9, and 5. I'm hoping they have better relationships when they're grown up than I do with my sister. Even though DSD is grown up now she dotes on her little sisters, although I don't know how long that will last after she's left home.

One older brother who was the light of my life. We were very close and got on really well. He was the only person in our family that I could really talk to, and I suspect vice versa. We went through so much together and kept each other sane when dealing with the annoyances of our family!

Sadly he died a horrible, pointless death from cancer five years ago. I will never get over the heartbreak and I miss him every day. He was such a kind, loving person and was finally happy and settled - he should have been living a long life full of joy.

My DC are tiny but seem to adore each other at present. I really hope they have the same sort of relationship that I had with my bro, and that DH has with his siblings (who are lovely).

I have on younger sister (by 2 years) and a younger brother (by 3 years). All fairly close in age.

As kids, my sister and I were the closest and my brother was the odd one out - a lot more immature and the "golden boy" who was smiled on by everyone (in our extended family, I really can't fault my parents), so it took him a lot longer to grow up... He was always trying to curry favour with the adults by telling tales whenever possible. I bought him a Smirnoff ice for his birthday when he was 15 or 16 (just one, and a one-off, as well as a proper present - cos 18yo me thought it would be cool to treat him like a grownup as most of his friends' older siblings would no doubt be doing the same) and he told mum on me!

As teens/early 20s my sister and I fought like cats and dogs. We knew all the right places to push each others' buttons. It didn't help that we have very different personalities; she's inherited a particular prickliness and perfectionism from my dad's side and my mum's shyness/awkwardness, whereas me and my brother are similarly laid back as are most of mum's family and a bit more chatty to strangers, like my dad. And looking back I think a fair bit of that was jealousy when I went off to Uni and came back on weekends wanting to spend that time with my friends and my boyfriend, and I didn't get why she had to spend every weekend sniping at me, slagging my friends and calling me a slut... It didn't make me want to take her out with us at all, poor thing.

In our mid 20s we all became good friends. Just in time... In the last few years, my dad has been diagnosed with cancer (twice), my parents have had a lot of money worries, and my dad's family has imploded.... again. There are seven siblings and they are forever feuding, and seeing the fallout to our parents (typically, they tend to "forgive" my dad post-fallout and then resent my mum for not siding with them against her husband, even when she thinks he has done nothing wrong) has made the three of us more united and determined never to let that happen to us.

We don't see each other regularly as we live in different cities, my sis is two hours away and my bro is in Dublin. But we Skype now and again and will stay on for hours. My sister comes to visit me every six weeks or so, when she's not working weekends, and she has her own key to my place. And they treat my DH like an older brother. It's nice, I feel like one of a team of four.

Bellstar not sure how old your younger half sister is, but you might get closer to her again when she is a bit older and/or has children? I think a lot of people go through a bit of a period where they detached themselves a bit from family to start their own life. I did this very much so when I was in my early twenties.

FeministsWife, maybe the same for you? Your younger sister might get closer again? How old is she?

Oh Bender that is so sad but what a lovely brother/sister relationship you had and I am sure you children will go on to have the same loving relationship.

Thank you captainmummy what you have said is very interesting, it's nice to hear you and you mum get along, I sympathise with the lack of hugs and physical between you and your mum.

BobMarley I know what you mean, it is really difficult to not to unintentionally fall into the trap of playing favourites. I find myself having to stop and think about what I am doing so as not to treat one DD as the favourite over my other DD. Itg is hard and I can see how easily people can fall into it, it doesn't excuse it but being aware of it helps. I have come to the conclusion that I would never do to my DD's what my mum did to me because if my DD's ever told me I was playing favourites I would apologise and think about my actions.
I once told my mum how I felt and she dismissed me as a silly little girl

Meant to add, my DH treats them as his younger siblings too - talking to my brother about career choices through Uni and helping him with some math classes, and he treats my sister like a kid sister too - he will always try find something cool to do with her even if all she wants to do is sit around in pajamas and play with the cats, so he'll nag her to help with dinner and get ready on time, but only so that she's ready to go out to the cinema/football/pub with us!