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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to get back in touch with this friend?

61 replies

BreastmilkDoesAFabLatte · 23/04/2012 10:23

Quick backstory

  1. Breastmilk has cared for said Friend in almost every possible way for ten years or so. Then Breastmilk gets ill. Then Breastmilk has two DCs. Friend gets angry that Breatmilk puts her DCs before Friend. Friend gets therapy.

Several years later...

  1. Breastmilk becomes so ill that she can't take Friend out whenever Friend wants. Friend comes to stay with Breastmilk and family for Christmas, causes several thousand pounds of damage to the plumbing, refuses to pay and loses her temper with Breastmilk's DH.
  1. Breastmilk needs surgery. Friend emails to ask if she can come to stay whilst Breastmilk is on the waiting list.
  1. Breastmilk emails back to say yes of course but really, it'd be best if you came after the surgery so that you could help out a bit.
  1. Friend emails back to say that she's too busy and stressed to come after the surgery, and that Breastmilk's DCs are far too demanding.
  1. Breastmilk loses her temper
  1. Friend emails Breastmilk telling her exactly what a useless and pathetic excuse for a friend to Friend she is, and how dreadful it is of Breastmilk to have kept putting her DCs needs before Friend's and how stressful for Friend it has been to have to have known how ill Breastmilk is.
  1. Breastmilk emails Friend conceding that she is indeed a useless and pathetic friend to Friend, and would therefore like to stay out of contact with Friend until she is fully recovered from the surgery.

Several months later...

  1. Breastmilk has the surgery and feels a bit better and decides to ring Friend. Friend does not pick up the phone.

A week later...

  1. Friend emails Breastmilk trying to get back in touch, and asking if they could catch up next weekend.

AIBU to feel as though I just cannot cope with Friend at the moment? I mean, if it takes her a week to respond to a missed call on her mobile, surely she must have some other sort of social life and/or support system other than me...? Or is she just playing mind games?

OP posts:
Callisto · 23/04/2012 10:26

Dump her. She sounds awful and draining.

LentillyFart · 23/04/2012 10:26

You refer to this person as a friend. Why exactly?

There's nothing in this for you. Dump and move on.

pictish · 23/04/2012 10:28

Good God - you seek the company of this person because??

StandingAlone · 23/04/2012 10:29

YANBU, I don't understand why you would want to contact her at all.

Also, can you explain why you did point '8. Breastmilk emails Friend conceding that she is indeed a useless and pathetic friend to Friend, and would therefore like to stay out of contact with Friend until she is fully recovered from the surgery.' It actually sounds very odd to speak about yourself like that, you may need to look at yourself with regards to this point, maybe some counselling would help you to see yourself in a more positive light.

FWIW, you sound like a good friend and your 'friend' sounds like a person who has some pretty bad mental ill-health issues. I would have dropped her from my life after she complained about me putting my DC before her.

hathorkicksass · 23/04/2012 10:29

Dump and move on.

sugarice · 23/04/2012 10:30

She sounds horrendous and vile. Cut her out and move on with your own life.

NicolasGirl · 23/04/2012 10:30

This person is toxic.
Move on and don't look back.

I hope you are recovering well from surgery.

ABatInBunkFive · 23/04/2012 10:30

She's not a friend

ShellyBobbs · 23/04/2012 10:30

It's a no-brainer. She's a parasite, forget her and enjoy the rest of your life.

StandingAlone · 23/04/2012 10:31

I'm sorry my last post came across as quite harsh, I didn't mean it to Blush

Seriously though don't be a martyr to her, concentrate on yourself and your family.

Brandnewbrighttomorrow · 23/04/2012 10:32

In general how do you feel after you've seen her? Happy or stressed? If she could bring happiness into your life contact her. If not, don't.

IMO i think if you wanted to see her I don't think you'd be asking us.

AmberLeaf · 23/04/2012 10:32

You should have stopped at 8

pictish · 23/04/2012 10:33

I ditched my best 'friend' of 20 years, a year and a half ago. She wasn't as blatant or as full on as your 'friend' but she was demanding and self serving too. She was crap at supporting me and made everything about herself.
I grew tired of it, and after a minor fall out, I just never bothered contacting her again. She called me once but I ignored it.
I don't miss her.

MrsLettuce · 23/04/2012 10:33

Get rid. She sounds more like a parasite than a friend.

Good riddance.

Onetwothreeoops · 23/04/2012 10:35

Not quite sure why you rang her, but umm...don't do it again

EightiesChick · 23/04/2012 10:35

I would be saying dump her like the others, but I have to ask why you contacted her again after surgery. I'd personally have left it to see whether she did. But presumably, if she'd picked up the phone then, you'd have spoken to her and arranged a meeting if you both wanted to? It is the waiting a week that has flipped you back the other way?

Did you genuinely want to contact her again, or did you feel that you should given that you'd said no contact will after the surgery and now it's that time, IYSWIM?

Original poster
BreastmilkDoesAFabLatte · 23/04/2012 10:36

StandingAlone I was being slightly sarcastic, though Friend won't see it that way. No, I don't think of myself like that. I was simply in a very bad headspace waiting for the surgery, and was willing to say anything to de-escalate the situation.

AmberLeaf Yes, probably. I guess I feel like I owe her though.

I mean, I have a good marriage and two gorgeous kiddies... she is alone with a stressful job and serious MH issues. Surely I should be being the bigger person here...?

OP posts:
skateboarder · 23/04/2012 10:37

Just get rid. She sounds needy and she isnt much of a friend tbh

Original poster
BreastmilkDoesAFabLatte · 23/04/2012 10:37

Why did I contact her again last week? I just felt guilty. I wanted to clear my conscience. I'm terrified of dying and leaving her with such a crap situation unresolved. (Though dying is less likely now than before or during or straight after the surgery)

OP posts:
fussbucket · 23/04/2012 10:41

You've done enough, you've left the door open for her, but you and you DH and DCs need you more than any friend does.

fussbucket · 23/04/2012 10:41

*your DH and DCs

Maryz · 23/04/2012 10:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StandingAlone · 23/04/2012 10:43

BreastmilkDoesAFabLatte (I love your name Grin)
I am glad to hear that it was more of a sarcastic tone within your email, regardless of her understanding of it.

Do you actually want her in your life? I actually quite like the question a previous poster asked. How do you feel when you have seen her? Do you feel positive or negative. Does she bring anything positive to your life or just hard work and nastiness from her?
If you feel she does bring something positive to your life and want to keep in touch then do so, personally I wouldn't want someone like you described draining the positive energy from me. I would rather save that energy for my family and friends who seem to actually like me. Your 'friend' doesn't seem to like you much from what you have described Sad

Brandnewbrighttomorrow · 23/04/2012 10:44

Guilt isn't a good basis for a friendship. Friends make you happier, not less. Simple as that.

LunaticFringe · 23/04/2012 10:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.