to not want to get back in touch with this friend?

[BreastmilkDoesAFabLatte]

Quick backstory

1. Breastmilk has cared for said Friend in almost every possible way for ten years or so. Then Breastmilk gets ill. Then Breastmilk has two DCs. Friend gets angry that Breatmilk puts her DCs before Friend. Friend gets therapy.

Several years later...

1. Breastmilk becomes so ill that she can't take Friend out whenever Friend wants. Friend comes to stay with Breastmilk and family for Christmas, causes several thousand pounds of damage to the plumbing, refuses to pay and loses her temper with Breastmilk's DH.

1. Breastmilk needs surgery. Friend emails to ask if she can come to stay whilst Breastmilk is on the waiting list.

1. Breastmilk emails back to say yes of course but really, it'd be best if you came after the surgery so that you could help out a bit.

1. Friend emails back to say that she's too busy and stressed to come after the surgery, and that Breastmilk's DCs are far too demanding.

1. Breastmilk loses her temper

1. Friend emails Breastmilk telling her exactly what a useless and pathetic excuse for a friend to Friend she is, and how dreadful it is of Breastmilk to have kept putting her DCs needs before Friend's and how stressful for Friend it has been to have to have known how ill Breastmilk is.

1. Breastmilk emails Friend conceding that she is indeed a useless and pathetic friend to Friend, and would therefore like to stay out of contact with Friend until she is fully recovered from the surgery.

Several months later...

1. Breastmilk has the surgery and feels a bit better and decides to ring Friend. Friend does not pick up the phone.

A week later...

10. Friend emails Breastmilk trying to get back in touch, and asking if they could catch up next weekend.

AIBU to feel as though I just cannot cope with Friend at the moment? I mean, if it takes her a week to respond to a missed call on her mobile, surely she must have some other sort of social life and/or support system other than me...? Or is she just playing mind games?

I second what every one above says.

But I'm also curious as to

1. why you think she's a friend

1. why, after the litany of abuse, you still consider her a friend

1. why on earth did you contact her after those months where there was no contact? The ideal opportunity to drop her from your life.

This 'friend' sounds toxic, parasitic as has been said above, and this is not a healthy friendship.
Dump.

You know, I think that may be why she has been so willing to agree to keep her distance. It's not really helpful to speculate, though. But certainly, I hope she has found other friends. Having a broad social life is always good, and is suspect that a lot of her new friends are childless and of an age which correlates more with her level of maturity.

How do I feel after seeing her?

I don't know, I really don't. I've never really asked myself the question, because we've always just focused on how she feels about everything. Tired, though. But then, I'm always tired...

Yes. Sorry lunatic, I've been bitchy and unkind in saying as much as I have. Let's at least allow the poor woman the dignity of not having her bathroom practices splettered over MN. Some people do have problems in that area, and that's OK. I was angry not because of what she did, but because she yelled at DH and refused to pay for it.

I agree with everyone else - she sounds awwwwwful, you're not obligated. Really. Honest.

But I can tell you're an idiot and you won't cut her off.

So I propose a compromise. Don't have her over to stay fgs, or even over to your house (or round to hers). Arrange a coffee or lunch in a cafe every other month or so, with a finite ending time (like, having to collect the kids). Anytime she demands further contact, be busy or ill (which by the sounds of it is the truth).

What did she do to the plumbing?

Did you post about the wanting to stay before surgery?

I think it's time to stop feeling guilty and move on.

I second everything everybody else has said. You've probably not got enough mental/physical resources for the people you actually want to keep in touch with, never mind parasites like this friend.

However, is it really fair to blame her for £2000 worth of damage to plumbing? Unless she actually set about it with a hammer, is it really her fault? You say in your previous post that you don't know how she did it, but any plumber must know what caused a problem, in order to be able to fix it.

I think she is a frienemy and it's time to cut her loose.

Cross posts, but I still cannot imagine what sort of "problem" could possibly cause so much damage. A blockage, even at extortionate emergency call out rates, shouldn't cost more than £300 .

Can't see she has one redeeming quality that would make you want to try to stay friends with her. She sounds a perfect nightmare! There's difficult and very difficult and absolutely impossible. Decide which category she falls into. If it's impossible which it certainly sounds like, then time to call it a day I'd say.

nutellaontoast has made a good suggestion. You clearly feel you want to reach out to her in some way but you also recognise you need to protect yourself because she's actually a pretty crap friend. So keep it to coffees and lunches every so often. If she moans or complains in the future, just dial down contact or stop it altogether. You have the perfect excuse not to have her to stay with the DC :'they're so lively at the moment it just wouldn't be fair on you'.

I also am curious about the plumbing damage

Don't worry about being flippnt about the possibililty of my death... this is AIBU and I would expect nothing less

About the plumbing... yes, our system was crap to begin with. So not entirely fair to blame her. But still

I think the coffee-or-lunch-but-not-overnight sounds fair. But my guess is that she'll say the jounrney is too stressful or expensive for her to do in a day. But I have other friends she can stay with, so we'll see...

Maryz, always the lady .

There are drains, and there are radiators. (And I am not talking about your plumbing).

But several thousand pounds worth!?

Seriously, I don't think this frienship, so-called, is doing any thing for you. It seems you had an opportunity to leave it alone, but you picked the scab as it were. I think she needs ditching though you do sound kind, just not necessarily to yourself.

Nobody needs "friends" like you describe in their life. I'd just leave it.

11. Breastmilk emails "friend" and tells her no they cannot catch up at the weekend, in fact they will not be catching up ever again!

I have reread my post and remember not everything comes off on the internet as intended -I meant "idiot" affectionately, as in "too nice for your own good"

11. Breastmilk wakes up to how much of a doormat she's been and tells friend to fuck off to the far side of fuck.

12. Breastmilk starts proceedings to reclaim money owed by friend for damage to property.

I love the drain/radiator analogy... only on MN would one encounter such beautiful metaphor.

So, no. 11...

11. Breastmilk emails Friend to say that she would like in principle to catch up, but is currently in a great deal of pain and will see how she is next Sunday.

It's honest, true, and I hope not unkind.