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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go to church even though i don't believe?

53 replies

MarriedInVegas · 22/04/2012 23:08

I am wondering if iwbu to start going to church even though i do not necessarily believe in it all? My reasons for wanting to do this would be because i would like my daughter to be brought up in a faith of some sort. In times of trouble and hardship i see and hear of people turning to their church for support and guidance, people say it enriches their life in so many ways, also, i like the idea of her having "something to believe in" i feel that in my life a little something is missing and i don't want dd to have that gap.

Also i do like the message of Christianity, the whole "love thy neighbor" "do to others as you'd have done to you" etc etc. I want her to grow up with messages like this. I worry about how she might cope in the future when dh and i pass. I would want her to have some sort of way to deal with it as peacefully as possible (most people i know would pray) i think i just want there to be a nice support system for her throughout her life. I know that you don't need a religion to have this but i wonder if it really does make a difference throughout your life. I kind of hate that i don't really believe in anything, but i just don't!

Am i making sense? probably not! Confused Anyway... aibu?

OP posts:
faeriefruitcake · 22/04/2012 23:10

You can teach your daughter morality without going to a service you don't believe in. Humanists do it.

Wouldn't that be better than demonstrating hypocrisy first hand?

joanofarchitrave · 22/04/2012 23:11

I think you should definitely go. I went for three years recently when I felt open at least to the idea of a God, and I definitely felt more able to try to be a better person when I was going (ultimately I couldn't hack it, became too much of an atheist). Have a look round for churches you like the feel of, or perhaps ask a friend to take you along to the one they go to.

WorraLiberty · 22/04/2012 23:12

I don't really see how you can raise your child to believe in something that you don't?

I was raised by two very much believing Catholic parents and as soon as I was old enough to decide I didn't believe, I stopped going to church completely.

I was aged about 12 or 13 I think.

Also, the whole 'love they neighbour' thing is nice in theory...but just like anything else, you can get some real nasty fuckers who still go to church on Sundays.

vess · 22/04/2012 23:14

Of course you can if you want to, nobody is going to question your beliefs!

ratspeaker · 22/04/2012 23:14

If you dont believe are you willing to waste an hour or so of your life every week being bored?

The "message" of Christianity is quite different from what is done in real life in my experience

asiatic · 22/04/2012 23:16

Of course you can, the church is there for everybody! I promise you our vicar doesnot stand at the door assessing the strength of our faith this week before dciding if we can come in or not!

ewaczarlie · 22/04/2012 23:19

I think you should go, even though I am catholic the reason I started going to church as an adult were more to do with community rather than belief. I've always believed but I've always also believed that I could talk to god at home. As I got older I realised that I wanted to be with other people that shared a common morality, belief and community spirit. So I started to attend church again and I take my DS as like you I want him to grow up in that community not just in the catholic faith that we celebrate at home

ratspeaker · 22/04/2012 23:20

Have you got in mind a sect of Christian who's church you would like to attend?
Catholic, Anglican, Baptist, Methodist, Society of Friends, Church of Scotland...

btw I've seen a thread on here about less than welcoming churches ( the cant you keep that child quiet types )

for note -i am biased as I am a minister of the church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster

WorraLiberty · 22/04/2012 23:21

And with regards to death

I've known a lot of people find comfort in their faith but equally I've known a lot of people lose their faith entirely when they've seen the pain and suffering some of their loved ones have had to go through.

One of the most devout people I know, threw the towel in when her 6yr old DN suffered a long, slow and painful death.

Her exact words were, "If that's what God sees fit to put an innocent child through, then I don't want any part of it." Sad

So you see, even in times of extreme sadness...religion doesn't suit everyone even if they have been brought up in a faith.

EdithWeston · 22/04/2012 23:22

If you are feeling drawn to the church, for whatever reason (not just faith, perhaps for a sense of community or just for space out from the burly burly of day to day life), then go with an open mind, and see what you find.

If you find conflict with your personal beliefs and a congregation of 'real nasty fuckers'' then you can stop and you will know that it is not the answer to what you seek. But you may well find a welcoming group, with whom you find much in common, in a community and wider spiritual sense, rather than necessarily one of specific faith.

Only by making the attempt will you find out what this calling really means for you and your family.

Pancakeflipper · 22/04/2012 23:22

Why would you want to be a part of something you don't believe in? Isn't that wasting your time? You can teach your child morals and ethics in your everyday home life and be passionate about it.

Believing in God involves just a little bit more than 2 hrs at church on a Sunday morning.

ratspeaker · 22/04/2012 23:24

and for the record
Due to my husbands birth faith my kids were baptised Catholic

Not one of them now attends, practices or finds comfort, in the church

BigBoobiedBertha · 22/04/2012 23:30

I do get where you are coming from, I really do. I don't have a faith as such but we go to church. There are lots of reasons for this - to be part of the community, because it is a chance to sit and reflect for an hour a week and also because DH was brought up in a Christian household and wanted to go back to church when we had our DC. We also enjoy the singing and the music group. I believe that Jesus existed and that he was a special person but having a real faith in a God I can't see and hear is a step too far for me. I do get something from going, a sort of pause for thought, but I do feel a little bit excluded from it all at times.

However, what I don't understand about your post is that you think by going to church your DD will have a faith when you don't. You can't make a person have a faith just by going to church or presumably you would be expecting to have a faith yourself if you started going to church regularly. Faith is something that people make their minds up own minds about. I understand the support system bit but if your DD doesn't have a faith, ultimately she won't fit in and be able to draw support from those people who have a very different view on death and dying to the one she has. I doubt too that she would continue to go to church when she was an adult.

There are good reasons for going to church if you want to, even if you don't have a faith but I am not sure you should be doing it for your DD, more for yourself. It sounds like you have some things you would like to explore more, if you feel faith is something missing from your life.

noblegiraffe · 22/04/2012 23:32

You want her to be brainwashed by whichever church you select into believing something you don't think is true?

BackforGood · 22/04/2012 23:44

What Edith said.
Our church is very welcoming to everyone who wants to come in and find out more. We sometimes have dcs there without their adults, and certainly in the teenage group they do a LOT of questioning, discussion, and giving the youngsters the opportunity to talk about their uncertainties and insecurities. there is no brainwashing.
"Being part of a Community" is a really good reason to go to a church to worship - or just listen and find out a bit more - rather than just praying and doing some bible study at home IMO.

WhereYouLeftIt · 22/04/2012 23:52

"I worry about how she might cope in the future when dh and i pass ... i think i just want there to be a nice support system for her throughout her life."
MarriedInVegas, is there any reason for you think she will not have a support system (family, friends, colleagues) anyway? And is there any reason that you are already considering when you and DH will be gone; when your daughter will hopefully be not just adult but a mother/grandmother herself? Your fears seem to be quite remote, yet are immediate enough to you to be trying to plan for them?

Kristina2 · 23/04/2012 00:04

Im amazed at the suggestion that its hypocritical tp go to church " if yiu dont belive it all" . What an odd idea! Most people who attwnd church are on a journey of faith, rather than feeling tbey have arrived or know it all.

Please feel very free to go to several churches and check them out and i hope you find what you are looking for

Duckypoohs · 23/04/2012 00:07

I do know what you mean, I went to Catholic schools from aged 5-18, with all the festivals and church attending that entailed. Funnily enough both of my parents were actually atheist in belief Hmm.

I was never confirmed because I was out of action when the usual confirmations took place, by the time I had recovered I'd had a little bit of a think about it all.

Looking back I enjoyed all of the hymn singing and Mary carrying and candle lighting, I do feel that my children are missing out in a certain kind of way, it's odd. I do feel drawn to the church, I'd love to go to mass again (just for the nostalgia I think) and to give my children the experience, but I never have.

floweryblue · 23/04/2012 00:13

If you want to join your local community by joining their church, do it. You might become convinced their church is right, you might decide it is not. Ether way, you will make new friends and bonds in your community.

MCos · 23/04/2012 00:19

What floweryblue said.

thatisall · 23/04/2012 00:22

Ae you an atheist or are you open to the idea of some form of 'God'?

If you are open I say go. Churches are a place of teaching and no just worship. have an open mind. I know few Christians who are 100% sure of their faith, very very few and yet we all attend, open to the idea, hoping to find some sort of clarity.

Pancakeflipper · 23/04/2012 00:26

Having read and thought about more - I have changed my mind and think perhaps you should try out some churches. I think I would pick the ones that have family activities happening - that appear lively and active in the community. You will meet some people you like, some you don't. And you never know.... You could be on a journey of faith.....

tryingtoleave · 23/04/2012 00:32

I am like Worra describes. I was never very religious but I was given a religious education and later I became quite bitter towards the idea of god and religion after losing my sister at a young age. However, although I am still very conflicted about, I decided that I would give my children a similar religious education. My reasons were, like op's, that I wanted them to have the sense of community. The community was fantastic to my parents after my sister died. I also like the way that religious education opens their mind to stories, references and questions that might otherwise be avoided. Finally, I didn't want my bitterness and anger to limit what might be a positive experience for them. I'm not going to push them one way or another, but I think generally criticism comes best from a foundation of knowledge and experience - it shouldn't be the starting point.

GrandmasRedCar · 23/04/2012 00:47

I would visit some churches and discuss your feelings with their priests or vicars. I did this before I joined my church, because I wasn't 100% on the whole church thing, I had a lot of questions and I was worried I would be a hypocrite by attending. The vicar said his viewpoint was that total unwavering belief requires no faith at all. To have doubts and still believe is a show of Faith, even if it means asking questions. It's always been the right church for me and my family. You might not find a right one for you, but if you do it could be a really good thing for you.

eppa · 23/04/2012 06:49

We started going to church mainly as we wanted to go to the linked school Blush. However once we started going we enjoyed the sense of community and now usually attend once a month and I help at fairs/events etc. It is very child friendly and we see other families we know and I do enjoy being party of the community. I would say that I am agnosic rather than athiest but I feel that it is important for DC to learn about the judeo-christian tradition as it permeates so much of our lives and culture. Why don't you just go and give it a try, the vicar will always be glad to see new people!

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