to be annoyed that my 6 year old is a spoilt brat

[iwantanoompaloompa]

and blame DH for it....

DS1 is lovely on the whole. However, he has brattish tendencies. He doesn't tantrum or strop in particular, but he always finds things to complain about and look for the negative. He doesn't strop - just asks why things weren't different.

So, today was DS's birthday. Yesterday we went to a theme park. We had a lovely day but on the journey on the way home, all DS could say was 'why didn't we get to go on the ride that I wanted to go on?' (it was raining so we left 20 minutes before closing). We had been on every single ride apart from one DS saw on the way out.

Today has been his birthday. He has had a lovely day. However, his comments on the day are (all whilst lying in bed after a story)

• why didn't I get more dinosaur presents?
• why didn't I get any of my birthday cake (just to be clear, he had 3 cakes, he had some of two of them but the one that got cut up for the party bags got handed out and the leftover slices got mistakenly thrown away)
• why didn't you buy me the moshi monsters Guess Who instead of just the ordinary one?
• why did XX buy me that when I've already got one?
• I don't like that book, why did you buy me that book?

DH is exactly the same and I've tried to tell him that it's rubbing off on DS1 but he doesn't see it. For example, today I did all the party stuff, made a cake, loaded the car up with party bags, cake, spare clothes etc and, on getting in the car, DH says 'why aren't we going in your car, it would have been much better to go in your car than mine'

It sounds petty but it's grinding me down.

DS2 is different altogether and a happy little bundle of joy (takes after me obviously ).

So what can I do? I've tried telling DS that it makes me sad when he doesn't seem happy with things he has or does.

I don't want to threaten to take his presents off him as that would be cruel but I'm very very tempted.

I am very tempted to take them all away until he's written his thank you notes!

DD1 does this too, not so much a spoiled thing but always looking on the negative side. Instead of just asking for something, she'll say "why can't I have?" It drives me nuts!

So far my tactic is just to point it out to her when she does it, ask why she things she "can't have it" when she's never asked in the first place. She can also be ungrateful for things, like your DS, asking why a gift it isn't a different/better version. I tell her she's being ungrateful and offer to take the offending item off her and give it to a child who will appreciate it.

All I can do is hope it works eventually!!

That is exactly it Annie, DS does that too.

Glad I'm not the only one.

Hello

Just wanted to add my tuppence worth. To me what you have described isn't spoiled or brattish but more about coping with disappointment.

DS2 did this for a bit over relatively trivial things (trivial to us)and generally after he had been given the sun,the moon and the stars! I think at 6 they are still processing how to cope with disappointment and how to acknowledge what to us looks like good fortune but to them is just life.

I think it is good that he talks to you and it gives you the opportunity to put things in context and reassure him.

Anyway that worked for me but you know your child best.

That's a point actually, maybe I'm being a little harsh!

I just would love him to go to bed happy, after having a lovely day, rather than dwelling on the disappointments.

I don't think it bodes well for his future happiness but maybe I'm over thinking

God I could have written that op myself! We have just come back from 2 weeks in Disney, on the coach back to the airport ds spots dinosaur crazy golf. He spent the next 45 minutes complaining that we hadnt been there and that was the only thing he really really wanted to do. I could have throttled him quite cheerfully!

Yep - whining children. Makes me irrationally angry. Especially as DD has so much more stuff (and experiences) than I could have ever dreamed of.

IGC Exactly why I have been know to loose it completely with DD2 for doing this.

Unfortunately she's 11 and has always done it, so I cant see her changing any time soon.

I don't think she means to be unpleasant, she just likes to feel in control - of everything. It makes her feel secure and loved.

It's not helped by the fact that she is painfully organised, as is DH, and I'm not. I think she feels if she was in charge everything would go perfectly.

She is amazingly well behaved at school, but blurts out all her petty annoyances and it's not fairs the second she walks out the gate. I have been very tempted to leave her there.

My dc has had a bday recently and the general concesus is that he had the best bday so far. generous gifts, sleepover and lots of cake etc but he is still banging on about the things he didn't get. I found this really disheartening and tempted me not to celebrate again-of course we will. I made him write thank you notes and make thank you phone calls and hopefully this has helped a bit. I also think that with all of the excitement he is very tired so this could contributing to his mood. So lots of early nights now.

Oh god this is my 6 year old to a tee! (I too blame my eeyore of a dh!)

Todays example

Me "ooh ds i remembered to get tuna this week so you can have that in your sandwich's today" (he loves tuna)

ds "Oh I wanted you to get some cream for the strawberries why didn't you get cream"

me

On the whole...it takes children a while to learn 'social niceities' :) To them it's a perfectly valid question 'Why didn't you get me the Moshi Monsters Guess Who instead of the ordinary one' - it's no different to him asking 'Why do you need a key to start the car?'... he's not being ungrateful, but to him the Moshi Monsters one was the obvious choice and he's just trying to make sense of why it was different for you. Same with the cake, it was his birthday cake, other kids had some of it, why didn't he? It's just an open and honest way of evaluating the world around us, fortunately/sadly most of us learn that it's not 'socially acceptable' to be that open and honest and we learn to be 'grateful' and hide disappointment.

However, some of it is ungrateful whining and they need to be told

Your job is to determine the difference and deal with it appropriately! :)

To be fair to him, I got ordinary Guess Who instead of Moshi Monsters as I bought it in the half price toy sale before Christmas before he even knew what a flippin Moshi Monster was .

And the cake was a legitimate question I suppose.

sorry OP, this must be really annoying. It is funny isn't it, we know that they have a pretty charmed life and they don't always see it or appreciate it. I do think that is a shame and I don't think you are wrong to point it out to him.

My DD isn't like this about gifts, bdays or whatever but she is like it about school. She comes out perfectly fine and then for the entire walk home and a good while after we get in it is one LONG moan about "he said this and she said that and it was the worst day of my life" etc etc! It is so wearing! Experience has taught me that she has probably had a perfectly normal day. I hope it is a phase!

I do agree that there is nothing wrong with telling them they are being ungrateful though and that while you do want them to be able to talk to you you do not want to hear a constant list of complaints! I have started to say to DD "Ok, so it wasn't that great of a day but tell me about the BEST thing that happened at school".

I just find that if you change your own mindset their questions seem less 'spoilt and brattish' and it's easier to deal with them & then on the odd occasion they are being 'spoilt & brattish' you can come down like a ton of bricks :)

You can be honest/semi honest when you answer him - 'I'm sorry DS, if I had known there was a Moshi one I would have bought you that, but I bought this one for you before I knew there was a Moshi one'. 'I'm sorry DS, , but I hope you liked the other cake, the x one was my favourite .

I don't actually think it's spolit and brattish to want to know 'why' :)

DH - I also don't see his question as bad/negative - it's just a question :)

Its difficult when they whine but you have to remember the sum of their experiences. People need both bad and good things in their life in order to understand where things fit IYSWIM. If your child has led a charmed life then small disappointments are going to be very disheartening because they are literally the worst thing that has ever happened to them.

Not sure what to suggest to fix that, just an insight.

moshi monster guess who is shit. dd got it for christmas, on realising it was shit she said...I wish father christmas had got me the original guess who.

I think as others have said its a way of macking sence of disapointment, doesnt sound spoilt to me..my dd has that trump card .

I think it might be a phase, as others have said. My DS can be having the most perfect day ever, but if we need to leave before he has finished a particular bit of whatever he is doing, then suddenly its the 'worst day ever' and he 'never gets to play what he wants'
Same with school. One teeny little thing that goes wrong, and thats what he focusses on
I hope to God he grows out of it soon

OK well I've just said this on another thread, but try asking them to name a few good things that have happened this day. Perhaps alternate good and bad things. Try to find a positive in all of the bad things. If they're forced to come up with good things, it might change their mindset.

I do think, though, that they're very influenced by others in the family - if others see the bad side of life, they will too. Change the root of the problem, if you can! Good luck, though - it's really hard to do.

He has just got into the routine of finding fault with things maybe. It could be his way of having your attention or controling things? Not sure. The constant negative whining must drive you round the bend and in my eyes is very very different to a question about how to start a car.

Getting him out of his whiney negative aproach to life will be hard work I imagine. You could calmly/nicely ask him to say xxx xxxx xxx in a nicer more positive way ... 'why didn't I get any of my birthday cake' could became 'I feel sad that I didn't have my dinosaur cake today, could I have some of my dinosaur cake tomorrow', 'why didn't I get more dinosaur presents?' could become 'I loved my dinosaur gifts but I wish I'd had a few more. Maybe I can save my pocket money'.

Also in the past I have used time out and reflection for spoilt brat behaviour. They have X amount of time to think and after I'll ask DS what they were thinking, how he thinks I must see his nagging, what can he do next time to discuss things in a nicer way' My sons discuss how they feel about things but negativly nagging and getting at me endlessly is a no-no.

Don't what ever you do get into long discussions about why you haven't done this or that. Yes do give a quick reason but you could end up giving lots of attention for his behaviour. You could quickly rephrase his whine in order to acknowledge his feelings 'yes you must be disappointed to not have had the cake'

Or you could throw the why question back at him 'why didn't I get any of my birthday cake' - you could say 'why do you think you didn't get any birthday cake'. 'what can we do to put things right'

Just ideas anyway - no idea if they will work for you.

oh and change the subject and move the discussion on to something more fun or silly.

OP - this could be written about my almost 10yr DD, except DH has nothing to do with it. DD2 tries to see the good in everything (is probably more in tune with the reception DD1 gets that DD1 is!)

Skybluepearl - some good suggestions there, about making them present their complaints in a more positive light. And for me to stay positive too! Will try that, starting tomorrow. (My usual response is please stop whining, I don't do whining. Only solicits back chat.)

It is such an important life skill, isn't it. Being able to communicate disappointment without whinging.

I think you're right OP that it doesn't bode well for his future mental health.

If I were you, I'd deliberately ask him to name three things he loved about his day every night when he's in bed. Do this every night! If he can't think of anything, just say "that's a shame", and walk out with a "night night"!

Mental outlook is a habit. Positivity is a very valuable habit to develop.

Video your DP and your DS complaining, to show them how boring unpleasant it is - maybe they don't see themselves as others see them and this will help give them some perspective.

totallypearshaped - Brilliant strategy! When I was a single Dad of a 14 year old daughter I was whingeing to a workmate about my bitch troll from hell of a daughter and the workmate asked me to tell her 3 good things DD had done that week, so I did. She asked me for 3 more and once again I did. The workmate told me to relax and stop being so negative - obviously DD was doing fine. Whenever DD was being negative about anything I'd hear her out and then ask her to tell me about 3 good things that had happened that day to balance things out, and generally she came to realise that life in not all beer and skittles and we have to put things in perspective.

For the OP... I'd be inclined to do something about DS and DH, they sound way too self absorbed and full of their own importance. Once of my mates is a 40 year old spoilt brat, largely due to his Mum always enabling him. His partner found it cute at first and she takes our jibes about his sense of self well (when he starts up we call him Princess Paul), but I'm sure some days she must wonder why the hell she ever married him.

I don't know if DS is going to go this way or not - he can be a bit like this (he's 4) but I have no patience at all with it, so if he says "why is this one not good enough/not the one I want" I do just say "that's fine, if you don't like it I'll take it back to the shop/throw it away". This usually prompts a "nooooo mummy, no, ok, I'm sorry, it's fine, I do like it really".

Don't know how long I'll get away with it though - might have to actually carry out the threat at some point for it to really sink in.

DH is a bit of a negative outlook type as well - if something doesn't quite live up to expectation it's "all shit", instead of being a bit of a disappointment - so I guess that's where DS has got it from. But his inability to hide his disappointment is probably just as much from me - I've never had a good poker face when it comes to emotions!

Does nobody realise that you can actually correct behaviour by telling your DC not to do it? You don't have to just accept it.

Of course you can be tough and stamp out whiny behaviour, OP. I have two friends (a couple) who are two of the loveliest people in the world. So how did they end up with a firstborn (hmm, a clue??) DD who was a brat from age 1 to 7? I can only guess PFB syndrome and maybe GPs that are too indulgent. She moaned about food at a dinner party cooked specially for her (she has allergies) - the grownups were appreciative and were happy with it but she complained about it. She was given a present at Christmas - refused to say thank you or even Merry Christmas, even though at 4 she was quite capable of saying a lot of other phrases. Then at 7 she was adamant that she was not going to say thank you for a Christmas present because she already had the same thing at home, but she was quite happy to keep it. So - last year she got nothing (the whole family got a "family" present instead of individual things for each person). They don't get invited for dinner parties now - always eat out. She's getting better but we'll see. The thing is that while it may be nothing major, you can make yourself so annoying that it even affects your parents' relationships with other adults.

I think taking away his presents till he writes his thank you notes is a good idea. You can always have a cut off point of 3 months (but don't tell him he will get them after 3 months even if he hasn't written them!) - I know some kids (even mine) who are quite persistent at standing their ground about being stubborn and refusing to do it. But probably not if the presents are starting to get closer to being played at next year's birthday.

My parents always hinted to me - and I convey the same to my offspring - that presents, parties, cakes and treats are not a right, they are a bonus. Any more whingeing, they used to say, and you won't get any at all. We always make a point of thanking whoever did the work - Mummy for organising the party and preparing the food, Daddy for driving us there and picking up Aunty, etc etc. You can absolutely be firm even if your DH is "letting the side down" - children can learn to meet certain standards. FWIW, it's actually worse for them to see the present (which they've forfeited) sitting locked up or out of bounds at home than having it returned to a shop - seeing it at home and out of range reminds them "so near and yet so far". But being gracious and polite is easier to instill than one would expect. Just need to be firm!