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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask you what i should do about 10 year old and new baby?

84 replies

ohgawd · 22/04/2012 20:36

I have posted here due to more traffic. Need answers quickly!!!!!

I am pregnant with DC4. We told DC today. DD2 and 3 are happy DD1 (10) burst in to tears, said she doesn't want a horrible baby! Shock And that she has to put up with her sisters who are pains already. Sad

Since then she has been full of attitude and barley spoken to me.

What would you do? boarding school is tempting me

OP posts:
cantspel · 22/04/2012 22:52

Why does she have to be happy about it? It is not her choice to have another sibling. It is your choice to have another child.

Original poster
ohgawd · 22/04/2012 22:53

She doesn't have to be happy about our new baby but I want her to be happy in herself. Smile

OP posts:
Moodykat · 22/04/2012 22:55

ohgawd, are you my sister?! If she were pg she would be writing the exact same thread! She hasn't told me she's moving though so seems unlikely.
My sisters are 15 & 12 years older than me and we get on brilliantly and always have. 12 years old isn't a lot older than 10. I think you just have to involve her a lot without making her "help" IYKWIM?
Congratulations too!

Original poster
ohgawd · 22/04/2012 22:57

No moody I don't think so and thanks. I'm off to bed now, think I'll go and snuggle her, she likes that.

OP posts:
mamalovesmojitos · 22/04/2012 23:04

Op you can reassure her that she's just as important to you. Schedule some one-to-One time etc. Perhaps ask her what it is she doesn't like about the idea.

I'm not sure where you come in your family but it can be very difficult to be the eldest of many children. And no matter what you hope this baby will affect your eldest daughters life, forever. She has the right to be disappointed. Spoil her a bit if you can Smile.

ratspeaker · 22/04/2012 23:08

She needs to know that she will still be able to do all the things she does now.
She needs to be told she's not expected to babysit the new baby
She needs to know that there is enough love to go round, that parents love grows to cover every child, it's not a share
She needs to now she's special.

She's been comfortable enough, in a 10year old ways to voice her fears, so listen, dont tell her she's wrong, she's frightened of the unknown

(btw Im taking the boarding school thing as a joke, it is isn't it? )

btw I'M A MUM OF 4

BrightnessFalls · 22/04/2012 23:12

Awgod, are you sure you arent my sister? Smile she's in exactly the same position with three girls already.

I spoke to DN yesterday and she said "we are having a brother they dont even know if it is but, I really want an ipad3, can you buy me one?" Smile

tinkerbel72 · 23/04/2012 07:29

You have a big old age gap there. Just try to see things from her perspective. She's soon going to be going on up to secondary school and will have a newborn around. And then when she's getting a Social life, into make up, boys etc there will be a 4 year old around. I'm not saying she'll be aware of all this yet, but she will definitely pick up that this is going to change the family dynamic and not necessarily in a way that will seem positive to her

Try to listen and understand. And fgs DON'T expect her to be Your babysitter in a few years time. You may have wanted another child but she doesn't have to share your enthusiasm

5madthings · 23/04/2012 07:35

my ds1 was 11 when i had no5 and wasnt overly impressed either to begin with, lots of reassurance and he came round, she is now 16mths and she has just learnt to say his name, well she says 'eee ooo' (he is theo) and he loves her to bits!

he was also at the birth at his request and cut the cord and look of awe and amazement on his face in pics we have of him holding his minutes old sister is just priceless :)

i think it is hard being the eldest of a number of siblings, he is always quite convinced that he would somehow have more stuff if he had less, ie we have an xbox and a wii and ps2 but they are the families and used by all, he thinks he woudlhave his own ones in his room! ummm no that would never happen matey boy even if you were an only!

cory · 23/04/2012 07:49

I think it will help her if you are just very calm and reassuring in a kind of between-adults way: "yes, I see that it is worrying you, we need to talk about how we can make sure your needs are met", and try very hard not to take any of it personally- just don't expect to see immediate results.

It is hard on you now, because you are hormonal and could do with being the person who is reassured, and if she does not have a sudden change of heart it may well be hard on you when the baby is little. But any time you put in setting your own feelings aside and attending to hers will be time well spent.

Have never been in this situation but a friend of mine has and though it was horrible for the first few months, the children (one adult, one a teen) are now very, very close and such a gift to each other. Whatever she did must have felt pretty hopeless in the short run, but it paid off in the end.

sashh · 23/04/2012 07:54

What's the age dap between the existing three? Does she feel she has to look after the younger ones? Will she be expected to share a room?

Does she know where and how babies are made and is just mortified that her parents 'do it'?

Dawndonna · 23/04/2012 08:57

I was the oldest of four and hated it, but it was the parenting, not being the oldest. I have four. Oldest was fine, AS son was furious that I was pregnant, and then I brought home two! It was a long time ago. On Saturday, oldest took us all out for the day, and last night ds2 was teaching twin2 the chords to 'Smells like Teen Spirit', and Twin 1 the bass line.
Oh, and nobody misses out on Mum or Dad time, nobody misses out on clubs etc and nobody shares a bedroom.

valiumredhead · 23/04/2012 08:58

She's probably mortified that this is evidence you and your partner have sex Wink

TroublesomeEx · 23/04/2012 09:19

I was just about to post the same valium.

It's probably the first time she's really understood what sex is and now she, all her friends, the teachers at school, her friends parents, the postman and the rest of the whole world will know what mummy and daddy get up to...

Which is a pretty big deal when you're 10!

Bunbaker · 23/04/2012 09:23

"I find it really strange that posters assume that being in a family of 6 will stop my DCs from doing activities, that they have to share bedrooms, that they don't have enough 1to1 etc. Very odd."

I know some of the replies on here aren't what you want to hear, but they are simply different views to yours based on most posters' personal experience, so I don't find that odd. Being a family of 6 with everyone having their own bedroom means that you will be living in a 5 bedroom house (yes, I am making assumptions her now) which is probably beyond the means of a lot of people.

I can't offer any advice because I am one of two with only 17 months between us and DD is an only. I do know that if I announced that I was pregnant DD would probably react the same way (but she dislikes babies anyway).

valiumredhead · 23/04/2012 09:23

Have you ever read Adrian Mole? When his mum gets pregnant he is mortified beyond belief! Grin

I agree with what happy said. What she feels and what is reality might be totally different things but you need to find out how she feels so you can address it.

Original poster
ohgawd · 23/04/2012 09:27

The boarding school thing was a joke of course! Grin

OP posts:
valiumredhead · 23/04/2012 09:31

Wrt 'peace and quiet' ds is an only child and I was struck recently while looking through his school books just how much he bugs on about getting peace and quiet. He wrote about liking the garden hedge as he can hide behind there and get some peace, also how he likes his bedroom as he can 'have some time alone.'

He must mean time alone from his dad and me Grin

In reality he gets loads of peace and quiet but obviously he doesn't think he does - perhaps your dd is the same OP?

Original poster
ohgawd · 23/04/2012 09:34

Grin at minivalium. How old is DS? prehaps its an age thing? Having said that I think some people like being on their own me for chunks of time.

OP posts:
valiumredhead · 23/04/2012 09:37

Ds is 10 nearly 11.

valiumredhead · 23/04/2012 09:37

bangs on not bugs on

5madthings · 23/04/2012 09:47

btw ds1 has now realised the advantages to having cute younger siblings, girls like them! when we went camping the other year all the girls his age and a bit older thought ds4 was adorable and wanted to hang out with him and ds4 Grin

and when dd was 3 days old ds1 performed in a school concert, i had promised i would go but obviously had to take newborn dd (luckily school 5 mins from our house) so i went along and of course everyone wanted to see the new as yet unnamed baby and ds1 revelled in showing her off, esp to the girls! Grin

Original poster
ohgawd · 23/04/2012 09:52

I was saying that to DD last night. 5madthings All her friends love to see her 3 year old sister and she loves showing her off. Smile

OP posts:
5madthings · 23/04/2012 09:54

and she will love showing off the new baby as well, give her time its a big thing to adjust to, could you maybe involve her in the pregnancy some way, let her choose a special outfit for the baby, or take her to a scan? ds1 came to some of my scans and the sonographer was great showing him all the valves in the heart and the vessels in the cord etc.

BrightnessFalls · 23/04/2012 09:57

I wonder if the fourth one is babied after such a big gap? What happens with the tv situation when the big ones are watching bloody Tracey Beaker and the Simpsons? do you have to have a separate telly for In the Night Garden?

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