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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ask you what i should do about 10 year old and new baby?

84 replies

ohgawd · 22/04/2012 20:36

I have posted here due to more traffic. Need answers quickly!!!!!

I am pregnant with DC4. We told DC today. DD2 and 3 are happy DD1 (10) burst in to tears, said she doesn't want a horrible baby! And that she has to put up with her sisters who are pains already.

Since then she has been full of attitude and barley spoken to me.

What would you do? boarding school is tempting me

OP posts:

McHappyPants2012 · 22/04/2012 21:04

Perhaps she don't like babies and there is nothing you can do.

Rhinosaurus · 22/04/2012 21:10

Have you considered that she knows "where babies come from" and is embarrassed?

RandomMess · 22/04/2012 21:10

It's good, she is pretty loving to all her sisters. She's lived with her Dad for the last 18 months and when she comes to visit now manages to not disrupt the dynamics and cause a mass falling out with one of them against the others anymore! Takes them all to the park, babysits - all voluntary

I'm not sure whether it was the youngest or the 2nd youngest that she wished dead when I was pregnant.

Original poster

ohgawd · 22/04/2012 21:12

I'm glad random.

OP posts:

ENormaSnob · 22/04/2012 21:29

I was the eldest of 4 and hated it.

Can you think how this this will directly impact her? Will she share a room, be expected to help out etc.

HappyMummyOfOne · 22/04/2012 21:44

Thanks Pag, was trying to show what she may be feeling but obviously you cant post now unless you post what the OP wants to hear or you have more than one child!

Growing up in a large family as the eldest is very hard, i hated hearing a new baby was on the way. It meant homework was mainly done at school to get some space and quiet, constant chores, babysitting younger siblings, no privacy, no one to one time, no friends over. Its one of the reasons I chose to have just one child as they have no say over siblings yet it can impact so much on their life.

Original poster

ohgawd · 22/04/2012 21:44

No she won't be sharing a room and actually we are moving and she will be having a double with an ensuite to herself! As far as helping out, no more than if we just had her. I feel it is important that she and her sisters do some little jobs like putting there own clothes away, taking their plate to the kitchen etc.

OP posts:

Original poster

ohgawd · 22/04/2012 21:45

That was your life happy don't suume its like that for everyone.

OP posts:

Original poster

ohgawd · 22/04/2012 21:48

Ok, DD will has her own room and soon will have a double room with ensuite to herself, she is getting a lock on the door to ensure privacy, she can have friends over whenever she likes, she has no more chores than a single child (I think), she will not be required to babysit as they are my children not hers.

Sorry your childhood has affedted you so negativley happy

OP posts:

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 22/04/2012 21:51

ohgawd - Boarding school has it's benefits, they'll probably take DD2 as well

Silver lining - it's good that she feels she can be open and honest with you...

When she's had a chance to get used to the idea you can have a good talk to her and see if there is anything in particular other than knowing you and DH have actually been Doing IT that is making her feel this way. With all those hormones flying around, she'll probably swing in and out of thinking it's a good/shit thing!

Try not to let it upset you x

Original poster

ohgawd · 22/04/2012 21:53

Thats an idea chipping, don't some take children at 4? I know it is gross thought that your parents shag.

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DeWe · 22/04/2012 21:54

My dm adored her brother 14 years younger, and he adored her back again. She was okay with her siblings that were closer in age, but she got on best with him.

I don't think she was thrilled when first told though.

NorthernNumpty · 22/04/2012 22:01

I didn't speak to mum for six weeks when she told me she was pregnant with DB, I was 13.
I think I was horrified that my parents 'did it' and thought it was disgusting!
I loved having him around though and playing 'mum' to him. We are very close even now 20 years later. I am probably closer to him than my other brother who is much closer in age.
She will come round, give her time. It's hard being that age especially if you think your parents are being embarrassing!

PestoPenguin · 22/04/2012 22:02

Congratulations!

It sounds like she might have been a little bit surprised/shocked. Like others have said, it might take time to get used to the idea. I'm sure you will listen empathetically and give her lots of space and time. Most people convert instantly once the baby arrives even if they were negative to begin with. Even if she doesn't, in time you can help them build a good relationship. Try not to let her sad reaction to your happy news bring you down. You, she and the baby will all be fine .

Original poster

ohgawd · 22/04/2012 22:04

Thanks NN and PP, I have been in tears as has DH. Just want a happy family.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 22/04/2012 22:05

Aw, give her time, I'm sure it will be fine!

hairytale · 22/04/2012 22:20

ohgawd you need to listen to your daughter and communicate with her . No "but" this or "but" that.

It may be in jest but the boarding school comment sounds like you aren't particularly taking your daughters concerns seriously - almost like her feelings are an inconvenience.

And on the suggestion that you could suggest she can help with the baby - no. That's not her job. And you don't invalidate a child's feelings by making them feel responsible for the sibling they already feel some resentment towards.

Coming on to AIBU and then countering good advice with "you're making assumptions" seems a bit pointless to me.

Vickles · 22/04/2012 22:22

Everything will be fine lovely... Let her react... Be patient, like 'super' patient!
And, just slowly, over time... she will come back to you.

I think this has alot to do with it... as in, how did she react to her other younger siblings in those early days??? As, if she was fine with them... I honestly feel she'll be fine her new brother/sister.

My siblings were 14 yrs and 17 yrs when I was born!!! It didn't go down too well apparently - that Mum was expecting. But, when I arrived, they were fine.. My sister used to push me around in the pram pretending that I was her baby!

Thank god that she is expressing her feelings .... It would be worse if she wasn't expressing them and 'bottling' them up...This way, she's told you she's upset... and you can deal with it now.. instead of much later.

Don't think that this is how she is always going to feel about the situation. Let her get used to the idea....Give her time. She is the child remember.. and you are the adult... Give her time to get used to the idea. Over time, involve her with decisions... what to buy.. how to do babies room.. maybe even the name.
It will be different this time.. you will have a 'mini mummy' to help you.

My neice was 10 when her sister was born.... She was not overly impressed at first... but, as her sister got older... so did she. She went to senior school and began the next chapter in her life.

Moomoomie · 22/04/2012 22:23

Congratulations. I'm sure given time your dd will be fine. As you said she is hormonal so will take time to come to terms with the new addition.
My eldest is 13 and youngest is 4 and I do make sure I allow the oldest to be a sister and not use her as a carer for the younger one, which I have seen others do.

Original poster

ohgawd · 22/04/2012 22:26

Thanks Vickles, Wise words. Yes I'm sure she will love to help choose clothes, a pram etc when I get further along.

Yes I'll remember that about letting her be a sister and a child my baby.

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Teeb · 22/04/2012 22:29

The thing is op, you are telling people not to make assumptions and how many things your daughter has, but ultimately she isn't happy about it, is she? If she was thrilled about her new house and new room and new sibling, you wouldn't be posting here. Will you be moving far away? Could that be one of the things she is 'blaming' the new sibling for?

I was 10 when I was told I would be having a sister, although I was actually the middle child and I can still remember now (15 years later) how upset/angry I was at being told by my parents they were having another child. We now actually have a very very close relationship, but through most of my teen years I felt acutely resentful of all the things I felt I didn't have because she was there. I understand that isn't really the done thing to admit to that, and I don't want to paint the picture that it will be that way for you. I think you just have to make an extra effort that each child gets all they need and more. (I'm also not too sure about the advice to praise her simply for being the first born, it shouldn't need to turn into a competition among the children, and going down that route can leave the middle child/children a bit left out.)

I hope it all works out well, and congratulations on the new baby!

Original poster

ohgawd · 22/04/2012 22:42

Shes over the moon about our new house and her fabulous new bedroom.

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Vickles · 22/04/2012 22:45

Everyone is telling you there stories about it... But, you have the heads up!
She is telling you now that she isn't happy about it.

You have time to support her and listen to her.. and to hold her hand through this. You can make the difference for her... It isn't going to be easy at first.. be stay strong.. remain the parent and just help her through this.

Don't listen to those who are judging you. They don't know you and they don't know your daughter. You can make the difference now. xx

Original poster

ohgawd · 22/04/2012 22:47

I find it really strange that posters assume that being in a family of 6 will stop my DCs from doing activities, that they have to share bedrooms, that they don't have enough 1to1 etc. Very odd.

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Original poster

ohgawd · 22/04/2012 22:48

Thanks vickles. I know we will be fine, we are strong.

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