To think this mother needs to accept a proportion of blame for the way her dd's turned out?

[Memoo]

The father does too of course but he isn't the one being interviewed.

I actually felt quite angry reading this article and sad for the dd's who were dumped back into care. The poor girls had shit upbringings. It's no wonder they grew up angry and violent. And the stupid mother seems intent to blame everyone but herself.

Sorry daily fail link

I guess I'm angry because it feels like these girls were given a life sentence at birth and the fact that the adoptive birth mother could condone such an article about her daughters tells me all I need to know about the value that was placed on their lives. Today's news, tomorrow's rubbish

That is one of the most hateful articles I've ever seen. And since it's on the DM site, that's saying something. The whole tone is suggesting the older daughter is EVIL and that the girls should have turned out differently just because their parents gave them material comforts. All that emphasis on their 'beautiful home' and all the flash new stuff the girls had, like that should have been enough to smooth over what presumably had been a very traumatic start to life.

"She hadn?t calmed down while in care, nor when she?d been given her own flat by the council on turning 18." Well, what a selfish bitch, eh? Not even when the council gave her a flat. How dare she not manage her lifelong and extreme behavioural issues!

I feel very sorry for everyone involved in this story, with the exception of the DM staff.

I would have thought that RAD was a distinct possibility.

The Daily Fail LOVE these adoption 'horror stories' and run them regularly.

They feed into their pet themes 1. hatred of social services, 2. hatred of the underclasses (birth family), 3. demonization of children, 4. anti women agenda.

The disruption of adoptions is a very complex and sensitive subject. It is not one that can be understood by reading a crap article in the DM.

Personally I think the woman is an idiot for talking to them. She has done herself and her daughters no favours at all. She has not raised awareness of the issue.

I think she is accepting some of the blame, OP. She says in the article that she worries that she could have done more/shouldn't have allowed them to go back into the care system. It didn't read to me like a woman saying she was duped into adopting 2 monsters who couldn't be helped.

It's an incredibly sad story. And I think it bizarre that all you took from it was an opportunity to bash someone else about their parenting

I don't like the Daily Mail - it's a horrible newspaper

But there are dangers in adoption, and not everyone understands how difficult it can be. Also, as the article points out, a substantial proportion of adoptions fail. I think that is an important thing to be aware of. Adoptive parents are rigorously vetted, and sometimes, they just can't do it. This is a troubling case in point.

Dysfunctional families exist where no children have been adopted too though. I could give many examples where one child goes off the rails and the other goes to uni, It happens.

Erm, isn't it reasonably obvious that the older child had been damaged from her life before she arrived at the adoptive family?

I don't think the DM needed to report this. Horrible story, implying there's some sort of Damien gene.

have you walked a mile in the mother's shoes OP? Would you swap her troubles with your own? This is just sad. Just horrible. :(

Hopefully, A substantial proportion families fail. Many young adults who have never been in care end up in prison for various reasons. Many teenagers are put into care because their biological parents cannot handle their behavior.

That is a very damaging attitude IMO.

I have had my son from 8 weeks. Damage was done in those weeks that can never be undone.

He then had 2 year of abuse by the system until we adopted him and finally had a right to say what went on in his life.

NEVER underestimate the damage done to an infants brain in the first few weeks of life.

Look at your child and imagine them as a newborn never being held with love, not being fed when they are hungry, their most basic needs not being met.

Do you think that can be all made better by a cuddle, a nice bedroom and proper food later on in life?

Stroies of how social services have kept back key information or failed to acknowledge issues that needed assistance keep cropping up at the moment - makes me sad that this important service isn't better/gets such a bashing/is under-resourced. It's real peoples lives that are affected. :(

I am however very suspicious that they were so well off and yet did not pay for private psychologists for child who so obviously damaged

Yes that was my first thought too.

I think that the mother and fathers vastly different opinions on discipline may have had a bearing actually, 'made to sit on the naughty chair/step for hours' hours?

It sounded a little bit like the mother blamed the girls for her marriage breaking down too, that must have been a hefty burden to carry at such a difficult age?

I think she was stupid to do the interview, maybe she feels ashamed of what Maryann did and is trying to 'blame' her 'murderer' birth mum for how she has 'turned out' hmm.

Or maybe when you think your child has a problem but you keep being told your parenting is the issue, you don't think to rope in psychiatrists as you think the professionals who see this sort of thing all the time know better?

Sounds like Dad was absent a lot though, so even if he was heavy handed - plenty of people have a heavy handed Dad but don't go on to torture vulnerable people.

mrsdevere but what about 'hope' for your son? some damage yes but surely limited by your unconditional love, the brain can 're-wire' itself to a point?

implying there's some sort of Damien gene

Yes, That's what made me uncomfortable. To say a child had no chance, No choice but to end up a criminal because of their genes is horrid and hopeless.

Yes I think so. But we have had him since he was 8 weeks and know a lot about birth mum.

The children in the story were much older and there was less information.

The family had no experience as parents. We had already had two children at that point. We were able to compare DS2 with DD and DS1. We knew what to look out for.

The more info you have the better IMO.

DS goes to special school and had dx of ASD and LDs +

How much of that is down to genitics, neglect, drugs etc we will never know.
I have no idea how he will cope with his teenage years but I am glad I have at least been through it with one of my children already.

Yes purple I can't believe there is no hope for those who have suffered horrific abuse in very early life, there is hope, always.

If this girl has an attachment disorder no amount of love and cuddles will cure her.
Her chances of feeling any sort of empathy with her victims are pretty low to non existent.

I would not want to parent a child with a significant attachment disorder. Not even with my experience personally and professionally.

I know I wouldnt be able to cope.

My DH and SIL are both adopted.
DH was fostered for 3 months by devoted carer who was a lovely lady who couldn't have children of her own, he was chubby and happy when collected.
Sil was fostered by a fraught chaotic family who were in it for the money and parked her in the hall for 3 months with the dog for company, hardly any clothes on, skinny and when collected the parents were told she'll only have consume ounce of milk at a time!
The difference in them is distinct, guess which one is happy and stable and which one went off the rails and was a missing person for 2 years? They had the same upbringing but very different starts for a mere 3 months.

Of course there is hope.

But hiding or minimizing the damage done helps no one.

The vast majority of children in the care system have experienced neglect and abuse.

More work needs to be done with them. More research and more resources.

There was an outcry about baby P and rightly so.
But if he had lived he would have very likely have had huge issues as he got older.
He could have been one of those young people the DM loves to froth about.

mrsdevere so pleased he has a home where he is loved now. Sounds like he's going to be a legend/champion!

He is smashing

I can only imagine the damage done to the brain of a young child who has been severely neglected up to the age of three. The importance for a baby from birth to be well fed, warm, comforted, held, spoken to, smiled at, played with and loved cannot be underestimated.

mrsdevere I was told that would never manage relationships, that I would float from one institution to the next. Suicide risk was high etc but they were wrong but only because someone decided to take the time to look behind my behaviour and love me anyway. That's all

I think many people just can't go there (imagine severe neglect) it's too horrific for words and goes against human nature.