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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To worry about elderly parents in years to come ?

58 replies

Heswall · 20/04/2012 22:48

I met a lady in the Dr's waiting room as you do. I looked knackered, baby is poorly, up all night changing nappies, settling him down etc.
She looked knackered too, her 93 year old mother in law had been telephoning them on the hour every hour throughout the night for a cup of tea, they live a few miles away. The one time she decided not to answer the phone at around 5am the old lady got up, tripped and banged her head hence the trip to the Dr's.
I felt so so sorry for this woman, well both of them but she was 65 herself and basically going back to the demands a newborn would place on you.
Has anyone given this any thought ?
How on earth do people cope ?
AIBU to think that I couldn't, I just couldn't.

OP posts:

hiddenhome · 20/04/2012 22:49

I'm a care of the elderly nurse and I don't think I could do it either

KateSpade · 20/04/2012 22:51

I have had a few examples of this in my family, and IMHO you just have to cope. I understand it's hard but if it was your mother or father, you'd just have to find some way to do it.

It's awful and i hope it never happens to my mum and dad or anyone else for that matter.

MsVestibule · 20/04/2012 22:55

I think when an elderly parent starts behaving like this, it's time to either ask them to move in with you, or start looking for a residential/nursing home .

I have a good relationship with my M&D and really, really hope that if the time comes, we'll be able to look after them in our home. Sadly, if their physical/mental needs are just too difficult to deal with, they'll have to be looked after by people who know what they're doing, in a home.

LibrarianByDay · 20/04/2012 22:56

It isn't nice to think about but, if it came to it, most people just adjust and cope.

hiddenhome · 20/04/2012 22:57

I don't have parents, so I don't know how it feels, but I've watched a fair few of my colleagues put through the wringer when caring for their aged parents.

Original poster

Heswall · 20/04/2012 22:57

The old lady refused to move in with them, wants her independence and dignity I guess.
But Jesus I can just about stand the olds coming for Sunday lunch with all their facilities the thought of them acting up, hurting themselves and generally being child like whilst the size of a full grown adult worries me silly.

OP posts:

EndoplasmicReticulum · 20/04/2012 23:01

My grandad is 90 and has dementia. He was wandering about at night, too - got himself wedged in cupboards etc. My grandma couldn't cope with him any more. My mum offered to have them both to live with her, but they didn't want to move, so grandad has gone into a home.

Other grandad lives with my aunty - she took care of both her in-laws until they died, and then took in her own parents.

Bambino81 · 20/04/2012 23:02

I worry about this, my dad lives in Greece now but we're very close he's getting on and recently had some heart problems, makes u start thinking doesn't it.

Noqontrol · 20/04/2012 23:03

This is life though isn't it. I don't get when people say they couldn't cope with that. You sort it out one way or another. They live with you, you fight for some home help, or fight for them to move somewhere safer, no?

HomeEcoGnomist · 20/04/2012 23:07

Have just been discussing this very topic with my brother. My parents aren't even that old yet but mum in very poor health. We want to start planning now for financial/practical considerations...anyone got any ideas where to start?

Noqontrol · 20/04/2012 23:09

Whats up with your mum homeeco?

Original poster

Heswall · 20/04/2012 23:11

Maybe it's more then that I don't want to cope, I looked at that woman she was a bloody saint in my eyes, it's all very well looking after a lovely baby of your own, you'd do anything for them but an elderly adult who isn't even your own mother, that takes some patience.

No idea where to start HomeEcoGnomist, but I think it's something we all need to consider.

OP posts:

EndoplasmicReticulum · 20/04/2012 23:17

Heswall I think what might be the worry is that the care of the elderly person tends to fall to the woman. I like to think I'd happily look after my parents - although they have already said that they don't expect me to.
Not so sure that I could be the main carer for the inlaws. They probably would expect me to.

Noqontrol · 20/04/2012 23:17

It's amazing the strength you find inside yourself to do it though heswell when it finally happens. And it's not that bad, you do find the patience somehow. But forward planning is a good thing.

Original poster

Heswall · 20/04/2012 23:19

It's something that's on my mind because we are nowhere near MIL geographically and every 6 months or do she asks to move in with us which is impossible. It's a worry.

OP posts:

chezchaos · 20/04/2012 23:24

I saw how much looking after my Grandmother 6 days a week exhausted my mum and was upfront in saying I couldn't see myself doing that. As it happened, she died at 60 and I'd do anything to be able to look after her into her old age.

Original poster

Heswall · 20/04/2012 23:26

That's easy to say though because of course you miss your mum. The reality looked pretty grim to me.

OP posts:

marriedinwhite · 20/04/2012 23:30

My mother's 76 soon. We visited last week. She has no recollection of it . DH's is similar - not as bad but on her own. They are both a long way away and it is likely I will have stop working full time in the next twelve to 18 months.

Noqontrol · 20/04/2012 23:32

Would you not want her to move in with you heswell? Not saying you should, but if she feels she needs to be closer to family, then supported housing could be an alternative, close by to you instead?

maddening · 20/04/2012 23:33

my gran recently died at 92 with dementia - really made me think about old age and death of both myself and rents in a way I hadn't before - especially after spending time on the geriatric ward - truly shocking I found

DerbysKangaskhan · 20/04/2012 23:38

I do worry about my in-laws, particularly MIL. Even though we live a couple hours away from them, we see them more often than DH's brother and sister who live within 15 minutes of them and it seems expected that if the worst should happen that we would care of her (FIL is DH's stepfather and would more likely go live with DH's step brother). I actually don't mind, at least theoretically, as we did care for her one summer and have for a week here and there before while FIL has been away, but the logistics of doing it permanently makes my mind bend.

I worry about who would move where, if she moves here we would need a more accessible place and how would we get what she has up there set up here, if we live there then there is the worry about finding a place near where she lives, and finding work and the kids, either way how we would manage her appointments since neither DH or I can drive, and how would we cope if her problems became bad to the extent that it was dangerous to have the kids around her. Other than finding her new doctors and making sure the home is accessible for her, I actually think it would better for her here as she would be closer to the family that she actually talks to and willing to help her (her sisters and mother are near-by) and she would be able to travel more by mobility scooter, but I worry the move would be bad for her health. It'll likely end up on whatever she wants, but I haven't gotten the nerve up to ask her. I think both of them should move down here for more family support, but their house is now set up just as they need it would be hard to find similar down here.

As much I love them and would be happy for them to be around forever, I have thought that it would be nice for the two to go together somehow as I think once one goes the other may deteriorate quickly.

Adversecamber · 20/04/2012 23:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HomeEcoGnomist · 21/04/2012 07:42

@ Noq - several things, unfortunately. Main issues are Crohns disease and ankylosing spondylitis (sp?) she has poor mobility, often doesn't leave the house for days, frequently can't get out of bed. She's on a shed load of drugs and I personally don't believe the doctors can really know the multiple effects of the combination. she takes liquid morphine on top of several other pills. And last but not least, she can be very disorientated - yesterday she asked me what day it was, she has fainted in shops...

I am one of 4, reality is that 2 siblings are useless and my other brother is on the verge of accepting a job in Spain. So practically, it will have to be me. Parents live 2.5 hours away, I am greater London so we're talking about how to get them down here - an expensive exercise!

Born2BRiiiled · 21/04/2012 07:59

I worry about this too. Esp the POP's, cos with the best will in the world, they are not my parents, whom I love and cherish. I think it is a real issue as females. That caring falls to us so often.

Born2BRiiiled · 21/04/2012 08:00

I worry about this too. Esp the IL's, cos with the best will in the world, they are not my parents, whom I love and cherish. I think it is a real issue as females. That caring falls to us so often.

IL's not POP's

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