To worry about elderly parents in years to come ?

[Heswall]

I met a lady in the Dr's waiting room as you do. I looked knackered, baby is poorly, up all night changing nappies, settling him down etc.
She looked knackered too, her 93 year old mother in law had been telephoning them on the hour every hour throughout the night for a cup of tea, they live a few miles away. The one time she decided not to answer the phone at around 5am the old lady got up, tripped and banged her head hence the trip to the Dr's.
I felt so so sorry for this woman, well both of them but she was 65 herself and basically going back to the demands a newborn would place on you.
Has anyone given this any thought ?
How on earth do people cope ?
AIBU to think that I couldn't, I just couldn't.

I don't know if I could do it. My grandfather lives with my great-grandma (his mother in law) and cares for her since my nan died. My gggm is 94 in two months time and although quite self sufficient is a handful. He's been thinking about a care home for her but my dad and uncle have gone up in arms about it despite not caring for her themselves. There came a point where I said I wouod take her on but having an illness myself, a partner, dog, rabbit amd two young children it isn't feasible.

I worry about my gggm and my dad as although he's only in his fifties with a partner, he has diabetes and there may come a time where I as his only child needs to step up.

I am 33 and have 3 children 5 and under, my mum has dementia and needs full time care, which my dad provides. Thank goodness for him and for having 3 siblings. I provide 1 day of respite a week and various other practical help, another sister does 1 over night a week, another does a few days at a time a few times a year.

One thing that makes it hard is that my mum has totally lost her personality, after a couple of years of radical personality change so it doesn't even feel like my own mum that we are caring for.

To those who were saying that people should only be old when they're 80 plus please don't take anything for granted. My mum was an influential woman at work and took early retirement but had to put her plans on hold to care for her father. She never got to enjoy that retirement - at 59 she needs to be fed, is incontinent and lives in her own constructed world. It could happen to you. It is not that rare, my friend's mother died of Alzhiemers in her early 60s.

I would urge people to keep mentally active and keep their weight down now to help minimise problems in their old age.

Ok I'll come out and ask the question, what happens if they don't want your help or you don't want to provide it ?
Just for example, my MIL talks of moving in with us etc but she wouldn't dream of say handing over her savings or withdrawing them to facilitate this for fear of loosing out on interest or anything else.
There's no way she would be a dear sweet old lady that co operated or helped to make our lives easier whilst looking after her so I'd be pretty reluctant to give up work etc, especially as I didn't do that to care for my own children.
My own mother again is hard enough to get along with at the best of times, again and fiercely financially independent having been shafted by various men throughout her life.
So if we aren't taking care of them, who would ?

My mother cared for her mother and I shall have a duty to care for her. Once she is unable to live indepently or in sheltered accommodation she will move into a private home, close to me so I can visit her every day, providing my step father is no longer around. When she needs to go into a home it will be at the point where a power of attorney will be required and if she refuses to put it in place until she is deemed medically unfit to do it for herself then sobeit. Her estate should be more than sufficient to fund it.

My mil has declared very vitriolically that she would never expect one of her daughters to look after her when I once said "my mother cared for her mother who cared for her mother and it will be my duty to do the same". Her daughters live on different continents, rarely visit, one doesn't call on Christmas day and didn't bother to attend her father's funeral. My mother in law's behaviour over the years has reaped it's own rewards and as far as I am concerned she has relinquished any right for me to do my duty towards her - her own daughters certainly won't. DH, however, is a very good man and he will ensure she is cared for. Fortunately, for her he is also very rich and she will be cared for in the best private home available and if she wants it he will pay for her to stay in the family home and put in a nurse. Even though her daughters will not lift a finger to help, DH will safeguard their inheritances and if I am honest that irks me considerably.

I am not too worried about my parents. I am one of 4, in a close family and they are mid-60s and appear a lot younger - lots of travelling/ hobbies/ work and we have talked about wht would happen/ how it would all work etc.

My PILs are more of an issue. DH has a sister but she emigrated so not really any practical help. Whilst they are well and also active, they are a bit older and seem older IYSWIM than my own DPs. Even more of an issue, is the fact that the PILs are both only children and have 3 out of 4 of their parents still living. DGMIL is only 16 years older than FIL.

I am a bit worried about what would happen if the GPILs start to need a lot of care and PILs aren't fit enough themselves to do it. Both sets live a long way from us and we barely know them. I would try to help but I don't want to.

Hi - haven't read the whole thread so apologies if this has already been said. There is a thread on MN called "Elderly parents" - it's in "Other Stuff" . It was started to provide a space for people caring for elderly relatives to vent/moan and generally get support. Heswall - all the questions you have can be answered there by people with experience of the situation. Hopefully you are a long way off needing this support but I found it invaluable over the last year when my mum began to decline and was struggling to cope by herself.

Read - thank you. I'll be popping over.