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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To worry about elderly parents in years to come ?

58 replies

Heswall · 20/04/2012 22:48

I met a lady in the Dr's waiting room as you do. I looked knackered, baby is poorly, up all night changing nappies, settling him down etc.
She looked knackered too, her 93 year old mother in law had been telephoning them on the hour every hour throughout the night for a cup of tea, they live a few miles away. The one time she decided not to answer the phone at around 5am the old lady got up, tripped and banged her head hence the trip to the Dr's.
I felt so so sorry for this woman, well both of them but she was 65 herself and basically going back to the demands a newborn would place on you.
Has anyone given this any thought ?
How on earth do people cope ?
AIBU to think that I couldn't, I just couldn't.

OP posts:
AngelsOnHigh · 21/04/2012 08:12

In OZ, the Govenment has just announced an enormous amount of cash to be spent looking after the elderly in their own homes for as long as possible.

Knowing our Goverment and the lies they tell, I don't know if this will eventuate or not. It's a good idea if it does.

When I read stories like this, I realise how incredibly lucky I am . I am the youngest of 6 and my DM was 40 when I was born.

DM is now 94 and still lives on her own. Rarely visits a Dr. Always having visitors and cooking 3 course meals for them.

She recently stayed with my DD and DD had to practically tie her down so she wouldn't start cooking and cleaning.

She remembers all birthdays (at last count, 70 descendants), Yes she does have a birthday book but she methodically goes through it every month and buys the cards and has them ready to send several days before the birthday.

She makes sure all the siblings keep in touch with each other and when I told her I hadn't been in touch with my eldest sibling because I had lost my phone book and didn't know the numer, DM rattled off the number for me.

Sorry for being so long winded. I guess you can tell t hat I am extremely proud of my DM.

I could go on and on but I think the reason everyone loves her is ecause she has never interferred in amy family business.

One DS has been divorced for a long time and the only comment from DM was

"God made them and the Devil matched them"

MoreBeta · 21/04/2012 08:23

Just been to see my parents and PILs.

Both sets are in denial. My parents are just hitting 70 and I asked them straight out what they would do if they coudl no longer drive as they live in the country. They have a house that is too large and a few acres of land and still coping but only just.

The bus stop is close to their home but they have to cross a busy main road to get to it. I want them to move to somewhere smaller in the local market town - but they will not and I know that one of them (my mother probably) will end up living alone in a house that is gradually falling into disrepair pretty much isolated and housebound. I can see it happening.

My PILs live in a small house near a bus route in Newcastle but FIL who is 75 has just started driving again despite the fact MIL took the keys off him because his driving was so dangerous a few weeks ago. He refuses to move to sheltered accomodation and is now talking about having a stair lift fitted if he cannot get upstairs to use the toilet.

My parents told em about one of their elderly friends who is a woman who is blind in one eye, failing sight in the other yet still driving because she lives out in the country. Refuses to go to the doctor in case she gets banned from driving.

CMOTDibbler · 21/04/2012 08:28

My mum is 71, dad 78, and I'm 39 with a 5 year old and work ft. Mum has dementia and very limited mobility (and a host of other issues) and dad has very limited mobility too and a lot of other problems. Its a frigging nightmare as they live 80 miles away, and I spend a huge amount of time on trying to work out what is going on, sorting stuff, and explaing things. I can't move there, they won't move here. And my brother/sil can't even be arsed to phone even every other week.

juneau · 21/04/2012 10:41

My parents are very realistic and have made plans for their old age. My DM and stepdad live in a house that is suitable for older people (downstairs bedroom and bathroom if they need it), and my DF and stepmum are talking about moving somewhere smaller at some point soon. They are aged 64-70 at the moment and all in good health, so hopefully they all have many more healthy years to come.

As for my PIL they're totally in denial - live up a hill with no amenities nearby, FIL already in a state of reduced mobility due to hip replacement and not doing the physio that followed so he totters around like an old man of 90 when he'll be just 70 this summer, MIL stubborn as a mule (but in good health herself). The (utterly selfish) good news for me is that they live in the US and my SIL lives nearby, so any 'care' will necessarily fall to her.

AngelsOnHigh · 21/04/2012 10:58

Can't understand why all these people are considered old and decrepit when they are in their late sixties, early seventies.

The GP I work for is 64 and the one up the road is 70. Both are extremely fit and healthy and work a 40-50 hour week and are always attending specialist courses etc.

My own DM "retired" from the paid work force at age 75. She was a child care worker.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 21/04/2012 11:03

Yes, I worry about this although with luck it won't be a concern for a couple of decades.

My granny got very ill (brain cancer). It was a nightmare. I suspect like a lot of people we'd assumed 'oh, she is fine now, but if she can't cope, we will find a good nursing home'.

What we didn't take into account was how terrifyingly fast someone elderly can deteriorate (although I know now this is not uncommon, from what we were told). My gran volunteered at the local primary school every week - she did her last term quite happily, but by September she couldn't remember to feed herself and just after Christmas she died. So she went from being a fit, capable old lady who'd walk a couple of miles without thinking about it, do basic maths with a group of seven year olds - to someone who was doubly incontinent, in terrible pain, and could barely speak.

You don't get someone like that into a nursing home easily, and it takes time. You don't necessarily have time, because you're still adjusting to the fact she's going downhill so fast. And you can see - very clearly - that she was just clinging on to what she knew and moving her away from her hope would take away her whole sense of self - not just make her a bit less clear in her mind, but take away the last bits of her ability to be a person.

Sorry, I'm rambling on, but yes, I do worry, and I don't think from what I've seen that we were well prepared to know what to do. And I don't think it's a simple one even if you can afford nursing homes and care. You try finding it in a hurry.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 21/04/2012 11:08

Sorry, that was a right rant. I just wanted to share something about my experience of looking after someone elderly when things go wrong fast - because IMO it is something you have to be prepared for.

Columbia999 · 21/04/2012 11:21

My mum has dementia and has been deteriorating for a couple of years. She was living in a huge three bedroomed house full of expensive reproduction furniture and refused to consider getting rid of any of it and downsizing, because she "needs a big house for when the boys come and stay". That would be my two brothers who live in London and visit once a flood for an evening and overnight, and then bugger off first thing in the morning, feeling that they've done their duty.
She was getting worse and worse, so we (my sisters and I) had to take more and more control. She was messing up her meds and taking them too many times, forgetting she'd taken them, so we have to call daily to give them to her. She thinks she's absolutely skint, despite having plenty of savings and a house owned outright.
Anyway, we managed to persuade her to move to a sheltered flat, and she moved in last Monday; the change is unbelievable. She has gone from a very confused, bad tempered, intolerant and verbally abusive woman into a relaxed, happy and content person virtually overnight. Her memory is a bit sharper, she loves the flat and appreciates that she still has her favourite bits of furniture, pictures and ornaments, but it's in a smaller space and so much more manageable.
She has also agreed to Lasting Power of Attorney, so that we can deal with her affairs if she becomes incapable of doing it herself, which is a huge relief.

Sheltered housing has given her a new lease of life, she feels safe, is making new friends, and a lovely light bright flat, instead of a miserable, dark, smoky mausoleum of a house. She absolutely loves watching all the comings and goings out of her window.
So it's not always just a choice between a care home or moving in with relatives, this can be a great alternative and give people back some independence while also keeping them safe.

Abra1d · 21/04/2012 11:29

Can't understand why all these people are considered old and decrepit when they are in their late sixties, early seventies.'

Exactly. Many people will still be working well into their mid-late sixties. I plan to work until my mid-seventies.

GinPalace · 21/04/2012 11:31

It is a worry. People say that you just have to cope and get on with it, but the sad fact is that some peoples lives, health and happiness are ruined by the strain of this kind of problem.

Being someones carer can mean all kinds of things. Some dementia sufferers change entire personalities and become violent or abusive as well as repetitive etc. Sometimes a home is not an option. Some people are driven to feelings of suicide or murder because of the difficulties.

When the person has gone sometimes the carer is so badly traumatised or exhausted they never recover their previous full self.

This is the horrid truth. It is not necessarily likely or common that it can be so bad, but life can and does turn shit for some people.

I would worry if I thought I could see it coming with my DP's but it's a way off yet. I have seen it elsewhere though. :(

LRDtheFeministDragon · 21/04/2012 11:33

I think people are considered old/frail when they are, TBH! It doesn't happen to everyone at the same time. It is lovely to hope you'd work into your mid-seventies, but, erm ... you can't really plan that.

Some of my grandparents were going strong in their 80s. And some were dead before 60.

It is a bit off to pretend you're incapable of understanding that not everyong gets the lucky hand of cards. Some people will end up caring for very sick parents who they wish had had ten or twenty more good years.

greyhairsahead · 21/04/2012 11:35

I worry about this as I'm an only child with no other relatives apart from my DM (on my side). I remember telling her years ago that I don't think I could look after her and neither does she want me to have to, but who knows? I'm a little less concerned now she has moved much closer to us (she was four hours away) and is in sheltered accomodation so she's settled in the right place for when she does start to become infirm, which at the moment she's not. I really really don't think I could live with her again. I had a challenging upbringing and our relationship is not that great because of this, so having to be her carer would bring out a massive heap of resentment from me. Sad, but sadly true.

My DH has a big family and they all (except us) live round the corner from each other, so any care that my MIL might need I'm cofident will be equally shared out between all the siblings and DILs, so that's not as much of a worry.

FayeGovan · 21/04/2012 11:39

op, people cope as they have no choice

see the "elderly parents" section on here, its located within "other stuff"

there are many many of is on here coping alone with very elderly parents whilst still having kids in primary school

the hardest thing to encounter is that the mum/dad you know at 65/70 even 75 is way way different from the mum/dad you will have who is 80/85 and watching the change and deterioration is awful, just awful

the only solution I can imagine is having lots of siblings who help you out/share the burden (awful word) and money to throw at the problems that arise

without help and/or spare money it is very very hard going

greyhairsahead · 21/04/2012 11:39

And age isn't really that relevant. I work in this area and I see people in their early 60's who look and have the health of someone who should be 30 years older, and people in their 90's having their first admission to hospital for say, maybe a fall, having been completely active and indepedent up until that point.

LyssaM · 21/04/2012 11:41

My 80 year old dad lives with us.

He is doing our decorating.

But in a few years time it may well be a lot harder. However, at the moment it all works, and I hope I will place my own health and sanity high enough up on the priority list to make sure that we all have the best memories of him going.

Columbia999 · 21/04/2012 11:42

You can plan to work till you're in your 60s or 70s but you never know what's round the corner. I was thinking I'd have to do the same, but ended up having major surgery in 2010 and being retired on ill health grounds in early 2011 for something that's never going to get better, and I'm 58.
I stay as independent as I can, but not everybody can do that. I've seen people still active in their 90s, but although we're not "old" at retirement age any more, age is no indicator of good health, indepence or dependence.

Lac365 · 21/04/2012 11:44

last year dad was diagnosed with cancer and mum had an operation on her feet at the same time and was in a wheel chair. DD was 1 year old and I work.

Not easy but you manage. Having to dress her in the morning, do their house work as well as my own, diner for everyone and all those trips to hospital. Worst was the emotional stress.

I will take cancer over dementia any time.

Dad is still with us and is doing fine. It's helped repair our relationship and we are closer than ever now.

However, I worry about what is to come and end of life care.
It keeps me awake at night.

Noqontrol · 21/04/2012 11:47

That's hard HomeEco, have you got room in your home for your parents? I guess it's that or looking for a residential placement further down the road, which is uncomplicated but expensive if your parents own their own home, but very complicated in terms of getting funding when moving from one county to another if they have no savings. Your mum would be entitled to some help from SSD if she lived with you though, which would take the edge off of things.

Columbia999 · 21/04/2012 11:52

HomeEco, have you claimed Attendance Allowance for your parents? It's not means-tested and would bring in some money to help pay for help with the care.

Heswall · 21/04/2012 12:01

My MIL is in sheltered accommodation right now but she isn't happy and it costs a fortune in various management fees and maintenance. She wants to move in with us but from what I've seen and read it strikes me that would be a mistake.

OP posts:
Columbia999 · 21/04/2012 12:04

Are there any other schemes in the area, Heswall? We showed my mum three different ones so she could make her mind up, even though I knew which one she'd like! She then felt that she'd chosen it herself.

HomeEcoGnomist · 21/04/2012 12:53

Many people will still be working well into their mid-late sixties. I plan to work until my mid-seventies.

Well, yes - my mum did not plan to have to stop work at the age of 52 because her disabilities/conditions prevented her from sitting at a desk, doing what she used to do.

No room for parents to live with us. A mixed blessing, as it may be easier - but not sure that DH would be thrilled with the idea. Anyway, the reason my brother and I are talking about this now is that whilst they are both perfectly OK in their own home at the moment, it is inevitable that this will change. And as LRD points out, it takes time to set things up - I don't want to have to deal with an urgent situation, I would rather proactively help them before it gets to crisis point. And yes, I want to know a financially beneficial way of doing this (or at least a way that doesn't leave everyone brassic and scraping money together)

@Columbia - not sure I qualify for anything as not doing much for them at the moment! Mum claims DLA and Dad was getting carer's allowance - after being made redundant at the age of 59 (there's another thing to throw your plans on the scrap heap...you may want to work, employers may not want YOU!) Thankfully he has a job now. As I say, they aren't in dire straits yet, I am just thinking ahead...

EllieQ · 21/04/2012 12:54

You are right to worry, OP, because it is horrible to deal with. My dad died a few years ago, and my mum's health has been deteriorating since then. Earlier this year she moved into a residential care home, as she was no longer able to cope at home - she has both physical and mental health problems, and was recently diagnosed with dementia. She had started wandering out of the house at night.

I hate that she is in a care home at a young age (mid-60s), but it is far less of a worry than her being at home, even though she had carers coming in four times a day as she needed help getting up and dressed, preparing food, and getting to bed (and making sure she took the correct medication).

My sisters and I have all moved away from our home town, and it has been a great strain on all of us - the constant worry, the strain of visiting frequently (at one point one of us would visit every fortnight, despite my sisters having young children), the fact that we needed to deal with mum's finances, sort out any problems with the house (falling apart due to years of neglect), and deal with crisis after crisis.

It is very difficult to have to become the parent and see your mother become the child in the relationship. Five years ago I had never thought that I would need to help my mother have a shower, get dressed, help her change because she had wet herself but the carers hadn't put a pad on that morning... It's horrible, but you do it because you have to.

I've seen several posts on Mumsnet where people have said that they won't expect their children to care for them, they don't want to be a burden, etc. But it's not the care itself that they need to think about - it's the little things, like taking your mum clothes shopping, helping her buy presents for her grandchildren, posting off birthday cards and christmas cards, taking her to doctor's appointments and dentist's appointments, keeping an eye on her finances, arranging repairs to the house, buying new bedsheets when you realise your mum only has one set of double sheets for her bed (despite having enough money to buy more)...

I'm not a saint - I feel very resentful, and angry at my mother even though I know it's not her, but her illnesses that caused her behaviour. It's hard because most of the people I know who are my age (mid-30s) have healthy parents, and perhaps have frail grandparents. Three friends have lost a granparent recently, and while I know they're grieving, I know they won't have dealt with all these issues - their parents will have been the ones dealing with doctors appointments, hospital admissions, being a carer. My friends have had an inheritance from their grandparents, while my mother's house will be sold to pay for care home fees. They have no idea what it's like - in some ways I have more in common with my MIL, who cares for her elderly parents, than my friends.

Practically, you could: make sure your parents are in a home they could stay in with mobility problems (downstairs toilet etc), encourage them to downsize and clear out years of clutter, make sure the house is kept in a good state of repair, be aware of their financial arrangements and think about the future - my parents didn't have a joint account, for example, so when my father died my mum didn't have any income apart from her state pension until his pension was sorted out. I paid for my father's funeral, because he didn't have any savings we could access.

It all sounds horrible, but it would have makes things much easier for me if my sisters and I had done this while my parents were healthy.

HomeEcoGnomist · 21/04/2012 13:23

EllieQ - you have hit the nail on the head. I need to put things in place while they understand/have a choice/can cooperate. And, to be frank, give my brother the heads up that he will have to make a financial contribution if I am managing things on a daily basis in 2/5/10 years time

AceOfBase · 21/04/2012 13:30

I worry a lot about this as my parents live in nz and I'm in uk. I don't know how it will work in the long run and though (hopefully) its a long way off I wonder how it will work. We are close to ils and will be the ones to look after them I reckon but fil has health issues already and he is only mid 50s. Mil looked after her mother for several months after her stroke last year until she was too frail to stay at mils anymore. She died shortly after leaving mils and it was heartbreaking to watch.