not to want to ask my sister and her husband to be god-parents?

[gr8biggirl]

Neither she, nor her husband are church-goers (despite being married in church at my sister's wish, he is a non-believer), and whilst I don't attend church as often as I would like, I find comfort in my faith. My parents have offered to host the tea at their house, and were horrified that I wasn't planning to ask my sister to be a GP, to the point of saying that they didn't think my sister would feel the need to take time away from her v busy life tomake the 5 hour trip if not a GP (I thought I was being accommodating asking what dates suited them before booking).
My aunt and uncle were my GPs and I always felt short changed as the role they played to me was no different to that, which they played to my sister.
I would like to ask some youngish cousins of my husbands, and a couple who are v good frinds of ours.
My mother thinks my sister would be heart-broken not to be asked as she is devoted to the children (on the 5-6 occasions a year she sees them). I feel she already has a special role in their lives (also would be legal guardian should the worst happen) so would like to give others an acknowledged role in my kids upbringing.

Our relationship has altered in the last 2 years ( she disinvited my 8 month old son from her wedding, saying I wouldn't be on the top table if I brought him). I feel we are no longer close, and that I am more and more excluded from her life and confidences.
Sorry this is so long , but this has the potential to cause a big family rift so I really need a balanced opinion AIBU or just spiteful?

ENormaSnob - baby was originally invited - I was bridesmaid and had intended to leave him with sitter for church service as I wanted to support my sister, then her suggestion - he could come to the reception. As it turns out my support not needed - she ignored me and did everything with her 2 friends.
My sister changed her mind re children and didn't invite any having included them on save the dates, (that's when she told me I would be seated elsewhere if I brought my son), although one of the ushers was allowed to bring his baby of the same age.

You can have as many godparents as you wish out vicar explained that there is no set 'number' we had 8 godparents for our twins and i hope they will grow up the better for it - we also chose our friends who although we dont see them too often they have the same ideals of raising children as we do and if my children ever needed anything i KNOW they would help in any way they could ;)

could you ask your sister/partner as well as the others you have picked? Our vicar is very much for the whole it takes a village to raise a child ;)

OP YANBU
Imperial - reasonable question. It depends. I never had godparents (parents never bothered), and I regret that. However, I am a godmother to 4 children and it's a role I love and that I think can be hugely important. I know there are instances where godparents disappear from kids lives, but that doesn't have to happen.
My DD has five godparents, and they all make very different, but very real contributions to her life.
The more people (aunts, uncles, grandparents, godparents) that surround your child with love the better!

I think she was worried that he might divert some of the attention away from her - the catch phrase in the build up to the big day was "It's all about me" and I'm not sure she was joking.

OP given your feelings about your sister, do you think you might want to reconsider her guardian role?

bowerbird That's a bit of a radical suggestion!!! OP hasn't plucked up the courage to not ask her to be GP yet, never mind undo that one!!! You're a tough cookie ain'tcha?

Has your sister got DC?

I think you are muddying the waters with the whole wedding thing.

You dpn't want them to be God-parents and the main reason seems to be because of their lack of faith - makes perfect sense to me and I think you should say that if asked.

Ask who you want.

I don't understand why a 'non-believer' would want to be a godparent? Not sure what denomination this is, but certainly at a Catholic baptism the godparents are expected to stand up and profess their belief, and their commitment to guide and support the child in their faith. It would surely feel a bit awkward to have to stand up and blatantly lie?

We had a similar situation. We chose friends (both church goers) for our DC. It was important to me because my DH isn't a church goer so I wanted the children to have someone to support them in that area of their life if anything happened to me in the future IYSWIM.

My DSis (who also lives a long way from us) has two DC older than my children and as my DSis and her husband are atheist neither are Christened. On this basis I felt completely justified in not asking her.

My DM did question why I hadn't picked my sister but I just calmly explained the above in a deliberately 'adult' way making it clear that my decision was final.

She did understand I think but was disappointed. She was worried my Sis would be hurt. My Sis was very happy to attend the Christening and I think (although we've never discussed it) relieved that she wouldn't have be a hipocrite in church.

It is lovely of your DPs to host the celebration but you are the parents not them. This will only be the first of many decisions which are your choice for your child which they may not agree with. Better to start as you mean to go on.

Just out of interest - who are your godparents? Did your parents choose their siblings? And if they chose someone on your mum's side did they also choose one on your dad's side, or save them for the next child... or ignore altogether?

Or did they just choose their own friends?

Feel free to ignore if you have aunts/uncles as godparents but if you don't it might be worth a mention

YANU - you need to pick godparents suitable for your children. If you want to bring up your children in the faith you need to pick them godparents who can support that.

Ephiny - In the Church of England many godparents seem to have little trouble promising to accept Jesus as their Lord and Saviour and to denounce the devil, and to support the child on their journey of faith. Without actually believing.

'She's already aunt and guardian. It's nice to involve the other side of the family.'

Repoeat as required ^

or repeat

If my sister were like this (and she IS to an extent) I actually WOULDN'T want her raising my child if anything were to happen to me.

DON'T make her your child's GP. For ALL the reasons you have stated INCLUDING the wedding thing. You have VERY valid reasons for wanting to choose others to be GP.

Use the phrase 'It's all about ME!' back at your selfish, self-centred sister.

Of course YANBU.

1. It's you and your dh's decision and nothing to do with anyone else.
2. Choosing anyone to do any job or honour simply because 'they would be upset if you don't' is not a good reason to choose them
3. Your BiL in a non-believer - how could he possibly stand up in Church and make those promise ?
4. Your child already has a loving and involved Aunty, what a wonderful opportunity for her to have someone additional in her life who has a special bond with them

As has already been pointed out though, God Parents don't have to be married couples (or, married to each other IYSWIM) I am a Godmother 3x over and dh isn't God Father to any of them as I am a Church goer and he isn't. By not having couples, it means the Godchild gets the support from 2, or 3, or 4 couples as opposed to half the number if Godparents are a couple.

I feel for you, my mil wanted to know why sil was not going to gp for my boys, I gently explained that she is the boys aunt and as such will be a part of their family forever, the gp's I chose were friends who we have chosen to be a part of our family. That seemed to shut her up on that subject, still working on everything else

YANBU. My DSis actually asked to be godparent to DS1 and I didn't want family for the reason that family have a special role anyway and we wanted another person to have a special role. I explained my thoughts to my parents before it came to it. In the end though I just asked my sister as it would have caused so much hurt not to. Result is that DS1 has no extra relationship with her than DS2 does. DS2 however has a great friend of mine as godmother who treats him as special (not just present wise I should add).
I still think I did the right thing by having my sister even though DS1 has in my opinion missed out. The friction caused would have lasted for years if we'd not had her.

Gin, I may be a tough cookie (is that a good or bad thing in your view?). What a wonderful old-fashioned (in the best sense) phrase.

Didn't think it was that radical to suggest actually. If OP questions the relationship and doesn't feel close to her sister, then why (apart from the family relationship) would she leave her children to be brought up by her and her husband? Just a question. If, on balance, she's happy with that, then fine.

Have to agree with bowerbird. The thought crossed my mind, too: sounds like OP resents/dislikes her sister and yet, she's made her legal guardian?

YANBU, Godparents make serious promises in a church baptism, it is disrespectful to those who believe, OP included for non believers to stand in front of congregation and lie. It is blasphemous.

By the way, god parents have to have been baptised.

Godparents can make a huge difference to the religious life of a child, starting out with ones that aren't Christian to begin with, especially one who won't make a 5 hour trip purely for the sake if the child, is a self fulfilling prophecy.

Be honest with your family "I love them, they're family but I want My child's godparents to be Church going Christians".

Good luck

Bowerbird I love tough cookies - so a good thing definitely!

Your suggestion was completely reasonable but it takes all stripes and variations and OP has described the distinct possibility of asking her sis to be GP merely to appease the family and considers herself to be a conciliatory person for whom not doing so would be counter-nature for her.

Therefore the even more ruthless idea of reversing an existing arrangement for the reason of poor behaviour/sistership would rock the boat even more and I think is highly unlikely.

Potentially suggesting that as the next logical step may be alarming enough for OP to make sticking her neck out far enough to not go with an unwanted GP arrangement seem all a bit much.

That was my thought process for that comment - that said, the idea that her current dilemma makes that suggestion seem reasonable to many posters might make the idea of only declining sis as GP seem quite within reach and a proportionate response for the problem.

This is why I love it when OP's come back and give an outcome as you can see how the advice given went down and whether it helped at all.

Happycamel I am a GP and took vows in a CoE church - but I'm not baptised. No-one asked me if I was.

cheers Gin! One tough cookie to another.... of course, I see your point - perhaps one step at a time for OP