Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

not to want to ask my sister and her husband to be god-parents?

58 replies

gr8biggirl · 20/04/2012 16:07

Neither she, nor her husband are church-goers (despite being married in church at my sister's wish, he is a non-believer), and whilst I don't attend church as often as I would like, I find comfort in my faith. My parents have offered to host the tea at their house, and were horrified that I wasn't planning to ask my sister to be a GP, to the point of saying that they didn't think my sister would feel the need to take time away from her v busy life tomake the 5 hour trip if not a GP (I thought I was being accommodating asking what dates suited them before booking).
My aunt and uncle were my GPs and I always felt short changed as the role they played to me was no different to that, which they played to my sister.
I would like to ask some youngish cousins of my husbands, and a couple who are v good frinds of ours.
My mother thinks my sister would be heart-broken not to be asked as she is devoted to the children (on the 5-6 occasions a year she sees them). I feel she already has a special role in their lives (also would be legal guardian should the worst happen) so would like to give others an acknowledged role in my kids upbringing.

Our relationship has altered in the last 2 years ( she disinvited my 8 month old son from her wedding, saying I wouldn't be on the top table if I brought him). I feel we are no longer close, and that I am more and more excluded from her life and confidences.
Sorry this is so long , but this has the potential to cause a big family rift so I really need a balanced opinion AIBU or just spiteful?

OP posts:

Debeez · 20/04/2012 16:14

YANBU. I doubt someone who would un-invite your child to a wedding would be ideal god parent material. I'm not a religious person however as I understand the role of Godparent someone who would not make the trip to see the Christening unless they felt they had a "leading role" doesn't sit right.

If the role of Godparent means a lot to you then choosing someone on the basis of "If I don't X might be upset" is probably going to lead to a lot of regret on your part. I can't really advise on how to handle as I've never been in a similar situation however YADNBU and I hope you have a lovely Christening day for your DC.

TheBurderer · 20/04/2012 16:14

You are absolutely not being unreasonable. You shouldn't ask your sister and her husband to be godparents just because they might get upset if you don't. It's about who's appropriate for the role- that should be the focus, surely? Also, it may turn out that your mother is wrong and your sister isn't bothered at all.

CailinDana · 20/04/2012 16:15

It depends on how you see the role of a godparent. My godmother bought me the odd present and was there at my confirmation. I saw my godfather once. I don't have godparents for my son as I don't really see the point.

albertswearengen · 20/04/2012 16:17

Just explain to your sister what you've said here- apart from the last bit. Tell her it's not meant to be a slight, that she's one of the most important people in your child's life and you hope she'll still come.
IME never involve your parents in decisions like this it just ends up a mess fulll of guilt trips.
We explained to both my and dh's sisters that we weren't having close relations as godparents and they were both fine with it as we had explained our reasoning to them.
If we'd involved DH's parents we would've been in all likelihood forced to ask DH's sister.

GinPalace · 20/04/2012 16:18

The vows you have to say at the christening about guiding the child in the faith would either be most uncomfortable for a non-believer or would make a total hypocrite of her!! So really unless you want to be a hypocrite yourself you wouldn't ask her.

However putting in your will to be guardian to the children in the event of your death, is a very serious responsibility etc which in my opinion would more than compensate for a non-believer as arguably more important in ways which are meaningful if God is not in your life.

so personally I think you have got it covered and anyone who thinks differently is clearly not of the opinion the GP role is real - I have said the vows of a GP and it felt pretty real to me, so think those that consider it akin to bridesmaid or something are missing the point somewhat!

YANBU

AnnoyingOrange · 20/04/2012 16:18

You know that you can have as many godparents as you want. So you could ask all three couples.

iloveACK · 20/04/2012 16:19

There are promises that Godparents have to make in front of everyone about believing in God, repentance & renouncing evil etc therefore if they don't believe in God, why would they make these promises.

I don't think YABU at all but think it would be best to speak to your sister first & explain your rationale (as believing in God is key really!) although it sounds like there are unresolved issues due to your treatment at her wedding.

Enjoy the Christening though - hope it goes well.

EndoplasmicReticulum · 20/04/2012 16:19

I thought godparents were supposed to have something to do with the god bit.

Also - it's up to you, not your mum.

Noqontrol · 20/04/2012 16:19

I thought a god parent was supposed to be a religious mentor? So by that understanding wouldn't it be appropriate to have someone who cares about the child who is also religious? I may be wrong, I didn't have god parents myself.

doctordwt · 20/04/2012 16:20

This only has the potential to become a family rift, I think, if your mother helps it to be one.

Tell her that, tell her all your very good reasons for wanting non-immediate family as godparents, and tell her to wind her neck in because it has nothing to do with her and she is being inappropriate and interfering.

Perhaps you could also remind her that your sis didn't exactly tiptoe around your feelings for the sake of family harmony wrt her wedding and your DS. Did your mother call her on that, or was it 'her wedding, her rules'?

They are down to be guardians - I can see exactly why you wouldn't want them to be godparents too.

But most of all, it simply isn't your mum's business.

chickydoo · 20/04/2012 16:22

If you think your sister is a good enough person to be legal guardian, why not a God parent? Surely legal guardian could be potentially a more demanding role. I think you can have as many God parents as you want. My friend had 4 for each of her children, then the 4 God parents also had their respective partners. She has 4 kids. So that's 16 actual Godparents. 32 if you include the partners.......the mind boggles...

mynewpassion · 20/04/2012 16:23

Do they want to be guardians or godparents?

Bue · 20/04/2012 16:23

There's no obligation to have your sister as a GP, I agree it's lovely that you want to include other significant adults in your kids' life and it sounds like you've made a good choice.

Will she even care? Sounds as if your mother just thinks she will.

WizzyWoo · 20/04/2012 16:24

I don't think you're being unreasonable. We asked one of DH's cousins to be GP for DD, as she was always helping out, doting on DD and was a fantastic support and friend to us. When it was time to choose GP's for DS, we chose someone else over DH's other cousin (DD's Godmother's sister) for the simple reason that she saw him just a couple of times despite our best efforts to involve her. She saw red and didn't return any phone calls, texts, emails etc for about 9 months. Bizarre.

To me, aunts and uncles have an official title/role in a child's life already. If you want to pick them, great. If not, go with your gut instinct and pick who you would like to.

JustHecate · 20/04/2012 16:24

the important part of the word Godparent is God.

You want someone who believes. That's not unreasonable!

pookamoo · 20/04/2012 16:26

YANBU
We have chosen God-parents for our DDs outside of the family for exactly the reasons you give. We want them to have extra people who are special to them and hopefully as they grow up they will have another adult to turn to for support.

MeKathryn · 20/04/2012 16:29

YANBU not wanting her, it's your choice. But it wouldn't be unreasonable of her to not come to the christening if she doesn't want to either, especially as she isn't religious.

ENormaSnob · 20/04/2012 16:30

So it's just me that wants to hear more about the disinvited baby?

ImperialBlether · 20/04/2012 16:31

Serious question here and absolutely not intended to upset anyone:

Does it really matter who your godparents are? How many godparents actually do anything more than attend the Christening?

Pandemoniaa · 20/04/2012 16:31

If you plan to have a religious christening, in church, then I don't see how anyone who is a non-believer can carry out the role of godparent. The godparents have to make solemn vows about their role as spiritual advisors and you shouldn't be standing up in a church and making empty promises. Also, in my experience, you usually have friends to play that role. Not family members who already have a special relationship because they are family.

It's precisely because I'm not a Christian that I have had to politely decline invitations to be a godmother. Nobody has been offended.

So I'd invite the people you want. Not be forced into accepting your sister and her husband because otherwise things will kick off. It'd also be useful if your mother could step aside and not stir the cauldron on this one.

tenby22 · 20/04/2012 16:36

I did have family as Godparent's. However, Priest actualy recommended having people outside of family. After all family member's will be there for your children anyway. Having people outside the family makes sense.
Plus in our church we had to have at least 1 believer as Godparents.

Original poster

gr8biggirl · 20/04/2012 16:40

I have considered asking all 3 annoying orange, but the non-believer as a god parent (my brother in law) doesn't sit right with me. I am wondering if I am looking for reasons not to ask them though as you are right re the unresolved issues over the wedding iloveACK. As for my mother doctordwt - right again -her wedding-her rules but she is the prodigal daughter who can do no wrong and my mother will hear no word of criticism about her. My father knew how I felt at the time of her wedding and was more supportive, but still feels aggrieved that he was not asked to be godparent to his nephew or niece 36 years plus ago.

I guess my parents had assumed my sister would be a GP, so feel upset at me excluding them (their words). I am close to my parents , and I am probably too dependent on my mum ( who my DS adores), soI don't want to upset them over this if I can help it - however I fear that will mean caving in.
Again, this is long, and I know that there are far more serious issues out there, but I am a concillatory person by nature, which is why if i take a stand over this it will really go against the grain

OP posts:

LadyMontdore · 20/04/2012 16:41

We chose each of our DDs two female and one male godparents, non of whom are couples (I mean they are in couples but only half the couple is a gp), and one family member for each.

Could you not ask your sister and the other couple or your sister and one of the couple?

GinPalace · 20/04/2012 16:43

Sounds like everyone has an axe to grind. Oh Dear. I'm sure she will make a lovely GP and that'll be that then.

Vix286 · 20/04/2012 16:44

OP I had exactly the same dilemma with my DD, my parents used uncles and aunts as godparents and I know my mum would have expected me to ask my sister.

I phoned my mum and said "We are going to christen DD, I've asked these four friends to be godparents". They were a couple who were DH's friends and two of my friends because they all have a belief and go to church. I didn't ask an opinion on it and never made reference to it to my sister apart from making sure the service was on a day on which she could attend.

My sister and DH's sister do not have any belief, BIL is actually very anti church and used to wind up DH's very devout mother over it!

I was really worried it would go badly, but it was fine. Just do it and don't feel the need to explain.

To be fair, if she disinvited your child to her wedding then I can't see she is going to be arsed to be a godparent! (Can we have more detail on that??!)

Flip

1 2 3