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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want sex EVERY night?

76 replies

Bambino81 · 20/04/2012 11:36

Honestly the more he wants sex the more it makes me say no.

Does anyone else go through this? I get fed up with him trying for it every night. Sometimes he wakes me up at 3am >.

OP posts:
slowestwildebeast · 20/04/2012 18:21

But he is also possibly not. Blow-up doll tendancy is harsh. I wake my dp up does that mean I'm a sexual deviant.

AutumnSummers · 20/04/2012 18:21

And given your last post I'm incline to say that you are being U.

slowestwildebeast · 20/04/2012 18:23

There we go. Op's dp is not using her like an inflatable friend.

Original poster
Bambino81 · 20/04/2012 18:23

Oh sorry, yes I have told him before but like I said, it was in a nice way, like sugar coating it.

Err, I dunno how to explain without being crude?

OP posts:
joannita · 20/04/2012 18:25

He wakes you up? That's out of order. Clearly YANBU. Sleep is a priority before sex in my book. Even if you were up for that in the past you're allowed to change. I don't think you should be forced to put out any time when you don't feel like it, even in exchange for other favours.

Original poster
Bambino81 · 20/04/2012 18:25

No he doesn't wake me up horribly with shouty demands... He'll cuddle up and just stroke my back or side until I wake up and relise he has a lob on.... Ahem, sorry.

OP posts:
AutumnSummers · 20/04/2012 18:26

Well in that case I can finally say that, as long as you were clear, yanbu. have a more in depth talk about it tonight if you can.

PurpleRomanesco · 20/04/2012 18:27

Tell him you would like to be the instigator for a while? It's hard to get in the mood when you just know he's going to ask for it.

AutumnSummers · 20/04/2012 18:28

Joannita I missed the bit where OP says she does it for favours.

joannita · 20/04/2012 18:28

You don't need to be nicey nicey about it, just tell him honestly that it's getting you down. Every night is a lot. Even if you cut down by 50% to every other night you would still have an especially thriving sex life by most people's standards.

PurpleRomanesco · 20/04/2012 18:29

It's not out of order if it's something they used to enjoy. I used to wake DP up for sex, I wasn't demanding and it can be fun.

Just ask him not to do it anymore.

Original poster
Bambino81 · 20/04/2012 18:29

I think we're much like u said autumn, very spontaneous prior to DD then that kinda stopped so the 3am sex was kinda a way to keep it going.

I think a lot of the problem is, I go to sleep before him cause I get up much earlier. So by the item he comes to bed I'm already asleep.

OP posts:
tantrumsandballoons · 20/04/2012 18:31

Some people LIKE being woken in the middle of the night for sex-my DH would love it if I did it to him. Sadly it will never happen, I am bitch queen from hell if I am woken up unnecessarily and more likely to knee him in his ..bits.. rather than do anything else with it IYSWIM :)
Do just tell him that you prefer to sleep at 3am and if he wakes you again you will not be impressed.

Lots of couples have different sex drives, you just need to find what works for BOTH of you.

joannita · 20/04/2012 18:32

Autumnsummers I was referring to previous post by mayisout who seemed to suggest she should have got her DP to babysit etc as payback.

PurpleRomanesco · 20/04/2012 18:36

Shock Mayisout! Parents rule No.1:

A father looking after his own children is not babysitting. :o

Repeat this out loud!

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 20/04/2012 18:37

I told DH that if he was that keen then he should make the effort to come to bed at the same time as me and initiate things whilst I was still awake rather than staying up as late as he wanted then expecting me to wake up and be interested. It wasn't fair that I was expected to manage with less sleep (because I get up much earlier) because he wanted to watch crap on tv until stupid o' clock.

HappyJustToBe · 20/04/2012 18:42

YANBU to not want sex every night, YWBU to not discuss it with him.

AnyFucker · 20/04/2012 18:52

OP, why do you get up much earlier than him ?

Original poster
Bambino81 · 20/04/2012 18:57

He works till 11pm or later then will want to wind down when he's finished so most nights won't come to bed till 1am-ish. I'm up at 7ish but he doesn't get up most days till about 10am

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 20/04/2012 19:07

he could take his turn at getting up in the morning with your dc, why ever not ?

I often go to bed at 12-1'ish and get up for work at 7

why is his sleep so precious ?

and what is he doing from 11pm-1am to "wind down" that puts the idea in his head that he is justified in waking you for sex at 3am ?

PleaseChooseAnotherNN · 20/04/2012 19:17

I would love sex everynight, dp however would not. I ended up feeling like I was pressuring him and backed right off, he thought I had gone off it cos I no longer instigated it, we ended up both very frustrated.

If your sex drive fluctuated you need to communicate with him clearly so he knows where he stands.

Yanbu to not want sex everyday, you are being u to expect your dp to guess.

ColinFirthsGirth · 20/04/2012 19:23

YANBU. If my husband woke me up I would be sooo cross.

Chilenachica · 20/04/2012 19:30

You said your sex drive isn't constant, so the only sensible for him to do is wait patiently until you tell him you want sex.

Original poster
Bambino81 · 20/04/2012 19:31

Anyfucker - I totally get that he wants to wind down, and that he's just not tired yet. I used to be like that when I worked late. Also 80% of the time he does work a bit later. The issue wasn't him getting up in the morning...

OP posts:
Original poster
Bambino81 · 20/04/2012 19:33

I agree chilenachica.. Gunna suggest that to him later.

OP posts: