Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

To refuse to pay for DPs breakages?

74 replies

Lacrymosa · 19/04/2012 12:32

DP is off work at the moment. He suffers bipolar disorder and I have assured him I support him to stay away from work until he's feeling ready to go back. This means I take on full responsibility of the finances. I also control the finances quite tightly as he has a habit of buying lots of useless things all of a sudden which has got us into a bit of debt with credit cards and such. I will always give him money but not for iphones and computers etc.

So, yesterday we were at MILs house and DS had left his coat on the living room floor. I was just about to tell him to pick it up when DP ran upto it and booted it across the living room. It landed on a coffee table in the corner of the room and knocked an old Victorian style lamp over totally smashing the globe thing on top. MIL was horrified and ran over to survey the damage. DP was in hysterics. He was laughing so much he couldn't talk. I was mortified and told him it had smashed (assumed he hadn't realised) and this made him laugh even more. He had to leave the room, he had tears rolling down his face. This made the kids laugh who then got shouted at by MIL. I know it wasn't nervous laughter as he was still laughing about it when we got home. His excuse was "but it was fucking disgusting anyway!"

MIL is now wanting £70 to replace it. DP is assuming I will pay and I have refused. I have now got it thrown in my face that I promised I'd support him and I don't understand etc etc. MIL is also thinking I should pay as I'm working and have recently bought new things for our house so "its obvious I can afford it".

Really don't know what to do. Realistically he has no money to pay it and it DOES need paying for! AIBU to dig my heels in and refuse or do I just have to suck it upm grit teeth and pay??

OP posts:

2shoes · 19/04/2012 12:33

I presume his behaviour is because of his bipolar?

LindyHemming · 19/04/2012 12:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Lacrymosa · 19/04/2012 12:35

I wouldn't like to say but I'm assuming so. He doesn't act like this when he's low and hasn't always done such stupid stuff.

OP posts:

2shoes · 19/04/2012 12:36

in which case yabu and should sadly pay....
but feel for you

Original poster

Lacrymosa · 19/04/2012 12:36

It's so frustrating though that he sees me having to pay and STILL finds it funny. I feel like telling him to fuck off and get a job but I know that is really harsh and totally contradicts what I promised him originally.

OP posts:

wastedwaist · 19/04/2012 12:40

No. You should not pay. Your DP needs to take responsibility for his actions. Being bipolar does not give him the right to kick something in a temper, destroy someone's proplerty, have such an extreme and inappropriate reaction, and have such little respect for another person.
It does need paying for- but by him. if you pay for it, he will do it again and again. Suggest he pay in installments if necessary. Tell your MIL that you are on her side, you agree his behaviour was unacceptable but she needs to discuss the matter with him.
I would also be looking at your relationship as a whole. Does he often behave like a child and except you to act like his mother?

skybluepearl · 19/04/2012 12:40

He has to pay half. He has to learn to be responsible for his actions. You need to be strong for both of you.

YonWhaleFish · 19/04/2012 12:40

What is he doing to get himself ready to go back? Drugs, therapy, what?

NunOnTheRun · 19/04/2012 12:41

OP I appreciate that I'm not answering your question - but would your MIL be able to claim for accidental breakage via her home contents insurance?

TheBurderer · 19/04/2012 12:41

I think YANBU to not want to pay for it, but it's difficult to know what you should do here. "I have now got it thrown in my face that I promised I'd support him and I don't understand etc etc". I think this is a pretty manipulative think to say actually. I'm pretty sure you didn't mean that you'd be paying out financially when he smashed things up when you said you'd be supporting him. Just because you say no to something does not mean that you're breaking the promise you made.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 19/04/2012 12:41

I think that there is a big difference between supporting him to stay at home as long as he needs in order to recover, and enabling him to behave utterly inappropriately and badly in his own parents' home, by paying for his breakages.

YANBU

faeriefruitcake · 19/04/2012 12:42

Is she his mother? In which case she should have a bit more understanding

GrahamTribe · 19/04/2012 12:42

I'd respond in exactly the same way that I would to a teenager who'd done this. You pay honey, and if you don't have the cash, well, your laptop/Xbox/whatever goes on ebay.

skybluepearl · 19/04/2012 12:43

Infact if he still finds it funny, then he obviously doesn't care at all about the damage and thinks you can run behind clearing up his mess. I think it would be more supportive to put you foot down and let him take responsibility for his actions. And anyway it's HIS mother and she should be supporting him too by expecting him to pay back money - not you.

Oakmaiden · 19/04/2012 12:43

I don't understand why it is a matter of YOU paying? Surely it is family money, not YOUR money? How is your husband supposed to pay for it if you won't let him have any money?

I'm a bit confused...

bronze · 19/04/2012 12:43

Either it's his illness which I would, as his Mother, not expect anyone to pay (or maybe him as hes is still responsible for his own actions)
Or it's not his illness in which he could sort out his own problem

Bramshott · 19/04/2012 12:47

If it was in a friends home, I agree that you should pay. But in his own mother's house - I'd hope she'd be more understanding about his mental illness TBH. I mean if he was an epileptic and had broken something while fitting, would she be expecting you to pay for it?

Oakmaiden · 19/04/2012 12:48

But how is he supposed to sort it out if his only access to money is through the OP - she has said she "controls the finances tightly"?

Not having a go at you, OP - ?I understand that if he has bipolar then there are good reasons for your being controlling with money, but at the same time have you really thought about HOW he can pay her back if you won't let him have any money? And whether that is fair?

TheHappyHissy · 19/04/2012 12:49

The pair of them are taking you for a mug! Tell him to fuck off and get a job! Then BIN them BOTH.

joanna2012 · 19/04/2012 12:51

Is she his mother? In which case she should have a bit more understanding

hell yes, i would be understanding of someone coming into my home and damaging my stuff! and then laughing hysterically and telling me it was shit anyway

Illness is one thing, being an arsehole is another

Original poster

Lacrymosa · 19/04/2012 12:52

I see what you're saying OakMaiden, that is why I really don't know what to do. Theoretically the money is "our" money but I'm trying so hard to decorate our house and agreed no other expenses this month so I could buy everything we need for the kitchen, and now this. But as you say, how is he supposed to pay for it? feel a bit guilty telling him to sell his things when I do have money he could use but it's the laughing, I feel like he's laughing at me.

His MIL does not know about his illness. She's very old fashioned and if confronted with the fact that her son had a mental illness would decide he was "going to be locked up for being crazy" etc etc

OP posts:

Oakmaiden · 19/04/2012 12:52

Am I reading the same thread as everyone else?

Oakmaiden · 19/04/2012 12:53

I completely get how hard it is for you - but I think the very fact he finds it so hilarious is quite telling. It is NOT normal behaviour, is it?

It must be so much to cope with, and I really feel for you.

Can you arrange to pay mil back later? Or half now half later?

YonWhaleFish · 19/04/2012 12:56

What treatment is your DH seeking for his illness?

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 19/04/2012 12:57

Joanna - I don't think that the MIL should be accepting/understanding of the behaviour itself, but I do think she should understand the position that the OP is in, and not make her life harder by giving her a hard time about the money. She could have spoken to the OP and discussed with her how to sort this situation out, but she didn't.

Flip

1 2 3