To refuse to pay for DPs breakages?

[Lacrymosa]

DP is off work at the moment. He suffers bipolar disorder and I have assured him I support him to stay away from work until he's feeling ready to go back. This means I take on full responsibility of the finances. I also control the finances quite tightly as he has a habit of buying lots of useless things all of a sudden which has got us into a bit of debt with credit cards and such. I will always give him money but not for iphones and computers etc.

So, yesterday we were at MILs house and DS had left his coat on the living room floor. I was just about to tell him to pick it up when DP ran upto it and booted it across the living room. It landed on a coffee table in the corner of the room and knocked an old Victorian style lamp over totally smashing the globe thing on top. MIL was horrified and ran over to survey the damage. DP was in hysterics. He was laughing so much he couldn't talk. I was mortified and told him it had smashed (assumed he hadn't realised) and this made him laugh even more. He had to leave the room, he had tears rolling down his face. This made the kids laugh who then got shouted at by MIL. I know it wasn't nervous laughter as he was still laughing about it when we got home. His excuse was "but it was fucking disgusting anyway!"

MIL is now wanting £70 to replace it. DP is assuming I will pay and I have refused. I have now got it thrown in my face that I promised I'd support him and I don't understand etc etc. MIL is also thinking I should pay as I'm working and have recently bought new things for our house so "its obvious I can afford it".

Really don't know what to do. Realistically he has no money to pay it and it DOES need paying for! AIBU to dig my heels in and refuse or do I just have to suck it upm grit teeth and pay??

Speaking from the experience of my bipolar mother, I'd suspect he avoids therapy because it 'challenges' his mania and yes does make him feel worse, because it confronts his condition.

So if it was me, I'd say I'd give him £10 for each therapy session he attended.

I'd tell his mother that too.

(£10 to put towards the lamp, obv)

YANBU!! Firstly you are living with someone with bipolar disorder - been there, didn't work, never ever going back, its a very difficult life (and that's an understatement as well.)

Secondly his mother doesn't know - so you are effectively bearing the emotional burden of his illness alone as well as the financial.

Thirdly, even if his mother doesn't know about his illness I don't understand her insistence on your paying. Yes, you are the bread-winner currently, but isn't she interested in the fact that her son is off work? Hasn't she questioned the reasons why? And with this in mind, considering it was her son that caused the damage, she should be sending him the bill with an "you can pay when you are back at work...." clause not having a pop at you about it.

Fourthly, WTF? This is not normal behavior, and even if she doesn't know about his illness, she should surely be concerned that her adult son doesn't know how to behave correctly, and worse, behaved like an arsehole. Why isn't that her main concern, rather than putting you in this awful position?

Really feel for you, but like many others here (including yourself I think OP) I feel you are being taken for a ride. Yes you are supporting him financially, but that is a big enough burden alone without him swanning around thinking he can do what the fuck he likes and you will sort out the consequences.

I agree with wastedwaist that you could talk to MIL, discuss the fact that his behavior is out of order and pass the ball back to her to discuss with her son. Perhaps she doesn't want to face the fact that her son behaves so badly, but you are not responsible for him, not in that way at least. Surely she has some idea that he has a problem? Has she never suspected anything? Perhaps if you talk to her it might benefit you more long term anyway - you don't have to talk in terms of mental illness, but you could say he is challenging at times - I bet she already knows this. Good luck to you.

I have a couple of friends with bipolar disorder. One, in particular, can behave inappropriately when in a manic phase. What makes it worse is that as soon as he enters a low phase, he dwells on what he might have done while on a high and this makes him all the lower. So there are times, sadly, when he hides away altogether. He does take his meds and attends his therapy sessions, but importantly, his condition is not kept secret and therefore we can try our best to support him.

So while I suspect you ought to pay for this truly hideous lamp, I think you are doing your dp no favours by allowing his mother to remain in ignorance of his condition. She may be old fashioned about mental health issues but I'd have thought she must suspect something when witnessing this sort of behaviour. So it may well be that she is already worried about him but from an uninformed position which can be worse.

I would go round there with a cheque drawn on your account only (rather than a joint account). Make the cheque payable to MIL and go round without DP. You are supporting her son so she should not take money from you - if she goes ahead and cashes the cheque, it will reflect very badly on her IMO.

I get that something of hers has been broken but it was:

a) broken by her own (ill) son
and
b) a decorative item and replacement is therefore not "essential". She isn't going to starve or freeze without it.

So it would be disgraceful of her to take your money. Although it would be very polite of you to offer the money and by doing this, you retain the moral high ground.

Your MIL needs to know the truth.

It's not her fault that the lamp is broken, so you need to reimburse her. I would warn her that you cannot guarantee that something like this won't happen again, due the nature of your husband's illness, so visits at your house may be better.

I don't know how you budget, but is there a separate leisure/pub/spending money budget that you could use to reimburse MIL? So you accept that that DH doesn't have the money now, but the cost of the lamp means that something else (eg a pub trip, new CDs or whatever) doesn't happen in the future.

The bigger issue is that your DH isn't taking the steps in place to help him deal with his illness. I understand that he's ill, but although you can hold the fort with everything else he is the only one that can get the treatment he needs. It must be hard for you - you want to treat your DH as an adult rather than controlling everything in the relationship, but he isn't taking the steps he needs to deal with these issues in an adult manner.

We have pocket money in our house for extras we want. DH and I get the same and we spent it on what we wish. If you had this system, he could use it to pay for the lamp and you could use yours to pay for wine treats. It might take some of the blame and hurt out of this.

Sell some of his belongings to pay for it (xbox, laptop etc..).

I don't get why you should pay 4 this lamp. If my dh broke something of his mothers, she wouldn't expect me 2 pay. Take her 2 take a hike. Silly old bint! And tell ur dh, that next time one of the kids dumps their coats on the floor, either tell them 2 pick it up, or he does it!

Tell her 2 take a hike! Lordy rolls eyes

Lets turn this around for a moment. Pretend a poster (of whichever gender) came on and said:

I am off work ill at the moment because I have an illness that affects my balance and makes me act as though I am drunk. While I was at my mother's house with my partner last week I was sick all over her angora rug. She wants me to pay for it - but because I am bad with money (I often go out and spend uncontrollably) my partner controls our finances. My partner is refusing to let me use some of our household income to repay my mother for the damage - they say I should sell some of my belongings instead to pay for it.

Would you still all be telling the poster that quite right too, they should not expect their partner to let them use household money for this?

The man is ill. It makes a difference. He didn't do it just to piss people off. Or because he doesn't understand the value of money.

The issue with the therapy is very similar - he is ill - but of course, doesn't really recognise how ill he is. So he resists the treatment - because it points out to him how ill he is, and that he is unreasonable. So that is uncomfortable and he avoids it.

That DOES need to be dealt with, for the sake of everyone in his life - but I am finding everyone's attitudes to the actual incident and its repercussions are really lacking in any form of understanding....

I really think that your MIL needs to know about his illness. She can't be stupid, can she? She must know that there is something wrong, how many adults think it's normal behaviour and funny to smash something valuable? She needs to appreciate how much you are already doing and at the very least understand that some things are beyond your control and hopefully help out as well.

I don't think his mother should be causing this much grief for her mentally ill son and his wife over £70.

She needs to get a reality check over finances for families with a disabled member too.

I agree with Oakmaiden. I'm autistic and have no money of my own. My husband has full control. I feel really bad when my husband has to pay out because of something I've done (or usually not done). I would be utterly devastated if he refused. Makes me sad just thinking about it :(

Yes he is ill, he probably doesn't want to bare his soul to a therapist, but being an adult, and part of a family, he has to make the effort to make a recovery, especially when his illness is causing so much trauma to everyone else.

The reality is, that he stands to lose everyone and everything, because a lot of people can only put up with so much, and with mental illness, there is only so much help you can get that makes a difference, mostly you need to commit to what has been offered.
Him refusing to go to therapy and only take his pills would be the equivilent of me taking my painkillers and crutches, but not going to physio or doing my exercises.
If i don't do these ( which often cause a lot of pain and sometimes really get anxious about doing ) then eventually i will end up back in a wheelchair and be more dependant on DH, that would be quite easy to do tbh, but i don't want to end up like that, and to have to rely on dh so much more than i do already.

Sympathy only goes so far, and really, supporting him shouldn't mean having to go without because he won't go to therapy and therefore help control his impulses when on a high.
If he had been going to therapy he may of not had an outburst like that.

OP, does he realise that therapy is also a used to find out wether his meds need tweaking or not, there are many reasons for it, so if the lithium isn't working correctly then he needs to see his psychiatrist.

I would tell the dh that he can have a portion of money each month/week whatever, dependant on him attending therapy.
That way you can avoid situations like this op, where he feels that you should be bailing him out.

GrahamTribe Thu 19-Apr-12 12:42:40
I'd respond in exactly the same way that I would to a teenager who'd done this. You pay honey, and if you don't have the cash, well, your laptop/Xbox/whatever goes on ebay.

I agree with doing this.

How do you cope with this infantile behaviour? I know he is ill but seriously there is no excuse for this, he is supposed to be a role model for his children.

Clearly the breakage should be paid for. It's not fair to your mil that she should have to pay for it. Yes, he should pay, but he can't. The one person who shouldn't be stuck with it is your mil. If you refuse - it's her that suffers and why should she?

Is he getting the best help for his condition? It may be he needs some more or a different type of help.

oh, and yes, if there is anything of his that can be sold - that should happen.

I am quite shocked by some of the replies. It is an illness, it isn't like he has planned to do that or would find it so hilarious if it wasn't for the bipolar. What he did is not his fault.

On the other hand, what IS his fault, is him not going to therapy. Something needs to be done about that.

His mother NEEDS telling. And prompto. It is not fair for you to handle this, as well as all the finances, on your own.

That said, I don't understand this "My money" thing. You may earn it, but you earn it for you all to benefit from it, yes? I would be deeply hurt if my partner told me he wouldn't pay for something for me as it was "His money", "His wages". He earns it for me and our kids, as well as for himself.

Illness or no illness though, if you are the only one bringing in an income, he does need to be pulling his weight. Mainly by getting himself sorted so accidents like this don't happen often, or hopefully, again.

It is not his fault but it is his responsibility. Not letting him experience the consequences of his actions may be counter-productive. He chose to kick the coat, he chooses not to go to therapy. All fine, except if his choices are impacting his family but not him. Illness or not, I think people should be treated as adults and that includes having to deal with their own family.

search ebay under antiques-> antique furniture-> lighting/ chandeliers most victorian stuff is there rather than home and garden ---> lamps

heres one www.ebay.co.uk/itm/vintage-70s-white-glass-brass-effect-victorian-style-electric-oil-table-lamp-/261005112569?pt=UK_HomeGarden_Lighting_Lamps_Lighting_SM&hash=item3cc51df4f9

not my taste but possibly better than broken one

What hecate said.

How is all this affecting your dc?

If you can't replace the lamp, how can your MIL? Is she expecting you to pay compensation?

OP, how can you bear to be with him?

As far as the breakage is concerned (and btw does his mum think that's a normal thing for him to do?) then I don't think you should pay. If it was your mum, then yes, but not his. She shouldn't expect you to pay for it.