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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to pay for DPs breakages?

74 replies

Lacrymosa · 19/04/2012 12:32

DP is off work at the moment. He suffers bipolar disorder and I have assured him I support him to stay away from work until he's feeling ready to go back. This means I take on full responsibility of the finances. I also control the finances quite tightly as he has a habit of buying lots of useless things all of a sudden which has got us into a bit of debt with credit cards and such. I will always give him money but not for iphones and computers etc.

So, yesterday we were at MILs house and DS had left his coat on the living room floor. I was just about to tell him to pick it up when DP ran upto it and booted it across the living room. It landed on a coffee table in the corner of the room and knocked an old Victorian style lamp over totally smashing the globe thing on top. MIL was horrified and ran over to survey the damage. DP was in hysterics. He was laughing so much he couldn't talk. I was mortified and told him it had smashed (assumed he hadn't realised) and this made him laugh even more. He had to leave the room, he had tears rolling down his face. This made the kids laugh who then got shouted at by MIL. I know it wasn't nervous laughter as he was still laughing about it when we got home. His excuse was "but it was fucking disgusting anyway!"

MIL is now wanting £70 to replace it. DP is assuming I will pay and I have refused. I have now got it thrown in my face that I promised I'd support him and I don't understand etc etc. MIL is also thinking I should pay as I'm working and have recently bought new things for our house so "its obvious I can afford it".

Really don't know what to do. Realistically he has no money to pay it and it DOES need paying for! AIBU to dig my heels in and refuse or do I just have to suck it upm grit teeth and pay??

OP posts:
Original poster
Lacrymosa · 19/04/2012 12:59

He's on Lithium and is also supposed to go to a therapy session which he often won't go to and he says it makes him feel worse.

OP posts:
Oakmaiden · 19/04/2012 13:01

That's hard. Therapy DOES make you feel worse. But then if you get through that it makes you feel better....

Original poster
Lacrymosa · 19/04/2012 13:03

The lamp was very similar to this which is why I can't really replace it with something cheaper/similar as it's quite unique

OP posts:
Blu · 19/04/2012 13:05

I agree with STDG.

Bipolar disorder is a serious illness, and I am dismayed that his Mother has apparantly no understanding. As I understand it pepole in a bipolar 'high' and doing out of control things have as much difficulty controlling that feeling as when in a real low and feeling suicidal.

I don't know how you can make him take this seriously OP, but maybe talk to his mother about why these things happen, tell her you will replace the lamp but if you visit in future when he is in a high state she should put valuables away because he cannot reliably control his impulses, and then find a way to make the money 'count' from DH's share of your household income. So tell him 'no' on some other expenditure because the money has been spent on the lamp.

And encourage him to get his medication reviewed?

OTTMummA · 19/04/2012 13:06

He is not your child, he is an adult, who at some point has held a job and made money, he is therefore able to pay for the damage HE caused. He can either sell something of his, or pay in installments etc. Supporting him financially doesn't mean paying for his recklessness. My mum is schizophrenic, and has problems with money, I understand how infuriating it can be. You will not be doing any favours for him by paying for this, his mum should also be told about his condition, hiding it will to no good.

Blu · 19/04/2012 13:06

Yes, well the lamp is indeed hideous, but that isn;t the point Grin

HeartsJandJ · 19/04/2012 13:06

If his mother would find it hard to accept he had a mental illness, what on earth does she make of this behaviour? An elderly person with quite rigid views must be extremely shocked to see this sort of violent action and the laughter. Poor you, poor her.

I think I would talk to her direct without him involved and if not tell her outright at least hint that there is something more to blame than some kind of tantrum.

With him - you are supporting him financially and emotionally but he won't even attend his therapy sessions. It doesn't really sound like he's pulling his weight in getting this resolved. You sound like a hero for taking it all on.

OTTMummA · 19/04/2012 13:10

This is not acceptable, he had to carry on with the therapy, lithium alone will not work, how long has he been treated for?

samandi · 19/04/2012 13:11

If his mother would find it hard to accept he had a mental illness, what on earth does she make of this behaviour?

I was just wondering that Confused

Not sure what I'd do, tbh. I couldn't live with someone with bipolar disorder.

spidermanspiderman · 19/04/2012 13:12

Do not pay! Tell his mother so she can support him and possibly ensure he attends therapy. If you pay and do not tell her you are enabling him to carry on behaving like this and not helping him recover enough to gain some sense of normality. Former / coping /surviving suffer.

It is common to not want to take any responsibility for behaviour.

Hollyfoot · 19/04/2012 13:14

I'd explain what is going on with his mental health. Then tell his mother that the breakage is a matter between her and her son. Your lives must be difficult enough already, without upping the financial pressures on you.

omgomgomg · 19/04/2012 13:15

He wants your support but he isn't prepared to support himself by pushing on with the therapy to get to a better place ?

I would assess his possessions and look to see if something can't be ebayed to raise the funds.

I realise his bipolar condition contributed to the damage but surely, in a more lucid moment, even he can see that it is unfair to expect you to singlehandedly sort it out so everyone in the family suffers the financial effect.

GnomeDePlume · 19/04/2012 13:15

I agree with Blu

LittleMissFlustered · 19/04/2012 13:16

I know this is in some way avoiding the issue, but has she looked into her home insurance?

No idea what else to suggest:(

QuintessentialShadows · 19/04/2012 13:16

I think that there is a big difference between supporting him to stay at home as long as he needs in order to recover, and enabling him to behave utterly inappropriately and badly in his own parents' home.....

Well said.

Callisto · 19/04/2012 13:18

Jesus, I would have left him there and then. Dreadful behaviour no matter what the extenuating circumstances are.

takingiteasy · 19/04/2012 13:19

I don't think YABU but the MIL is.

Hope the help and support starts to make a difference soon.

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 19/04/2012 13:28

Separate your finances. If you are not responsible for his finances (which you shouldn't be: he is an adult), then you cannot be responsible for his breakages and other messes.

He is a an adult and responsible for himself. Let him burn through his income and then face the consequences like a grown-up. If he always has you to watch out and pick up the pieces for him, then he has zero incentive to take responsibility for himself - including zero incentive to follow his medical treatment.

Yes, he will act irresponsibly, until he chooses to stop - and this is only likely to happen once the consequences of his behaviour come back to bite him in the ass. How do you stop it affecting you? The answer is not to have any joint assets with him, until such time as he can demonstrate responsible behaviour (taking his lithium, going to therapy religiously, and budgeting appropriately).

Agincourt · 19/04/2012 13:28

I think you need to talk to his Mother about his illness. I do understand that people of that generation are sometimes not very understanding about mental illness as my MIL was the same and then my BIL had a nervous breakdown Confused but do you know, she does understand now, after all the 'i wish he would pull himself together' comments and periods, she does understand and I really think you need to tell your MIL too. His behaviour sounds very erratic and I am not sure what she must think of that anyway?

I am :o at Blu saying the lamp is indeed hideous but that isn't the point!

Also he needs to go to his therapy sessions

FlameProofNightie · 19/04/2012 13:28

I would start by telling his mother that he is on medication for a mental illness and is currently experiencing a manic phase. This being the case, you won't be paying for the lamp, although you're sorry that her son broke it.

I would then look into a tweaking of his medication as it sounds like he is ill at the moment and it is not being managed correctly.

And then, finally, I would begin to question whether a long term future is possible with a man suffering from bi polar who is not doing all he can to help himself

eurochick · 19/04/2012 13:29

I think the MIL is behaving very oddly to expect you to pay for damage caused by her son's behaviour in her house. If you were in a restaurant or at a friend's house, then I think it would be reasonable to offer to pay, but not in these circs.

Original poster
Lacrymosa · 19/04/2012 13:30

Sorry I have to go, not yet read full thread but not disappeared, will be back this evening. Thanks for the responses so far x

OP posts:
Lovetats · 19/04/2012 13:31

I most definitely would not pay. I would see that as enabling him to continue acting like a child. I know several people who are BP who manage their conditions so that they function perfectly well. I think your H is being extremely unfair on you (and your family).

knowitallstrikesagain · 19/04/2012 13:36

Can't put a label of YABU/YANBU as I think you are having a hard time being the responsible one. I would also talk to his mother and explain that, while you are sorry the lamp is broken (lie through gritted teeth if you must Wink ), your DH is not working at the moment and therefore will not be able to reimburse her. When he returns to work, he can pay her back.

I think she needs to be made aware of a possible repeat of this situation though, so you can all avoid a similar incident happening again, be it by avoiding her house or mother accepting that things might get broken.

The main thing is to decide how much you can take. You can encourage and support him, emotionally and financially, but some people will come to a point where their own mental health starts to suffer from being around someone who can't or won't help themselves. You sound like you are being a rock and I hope the situation improves for you soon.

DowagersHump · 19/04/2012 13:37

This sounds like quite a common sort of action in a manic phase of bipolar - someone I know flew to another city and spent £10k on a credit card in a day.

Your husband has a mental illness. But he needs to take responsibility for that inasmuch as he agrees to take his meds and go to therapy.

I'd pay for the lamp - I don't think he's laughing at you, I think he's laughing because he's in a manic phase