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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

..to NOT insist that DD withdraws from a school trip to take part in a play?

62 replies

Trix2323 · 19/04/2012 09:43

I received a call from the school's drama department earlier today, asking me whether I could reconsider DD's participation in a school trip because a drama production that she is involved in is scheduled to take place the same weekend as the school trip.

The dates of the school trip were fixed long ago, and DD (15) has been looking forward to it as it will be with all five of her little group of best friends.

The dates for the play - for which she was invited to take the role of leading lady - were not fixed in advance, but were always due to take place "some time during the Summer Term".

DD says that if she had known that being in the play would prevent her from going on the trip, she would not have accepted the part.

The school say that they would really like the play to take place this academic year, and that if it does not take place that particular weekend, it cannot happen until September. They say that that they would really like DD to reconsider whether she would cancel going on the school trip, and would like me to work on her to change her mind.

Am I being unreasonable to NOT insist that DD withdraws from the trip? Or should I persude her that, for the greater good of the school, the drama department, etc. she should put herself second?

WWYD?

OP posts:
babybythesea · 19/04/2012 09:48

Prior plans pretty much always take priority over new ones. The school trip was the prior plan. So that's where the loyalty lies.

Trying to use hindsight, my little group of friends from school are still my closest friends - we don't live near each other but chat often and even if we don't speak for months it is as though no time at all has passed. We often laugh about school trips and similar - they are part of the glue that holds us together (in mid-thirties now). If I'd dropped out of a trip that they all went on, I would have found it hard to listen to them talk about it (which would have been inevitable - you can't ask them not to discuss it!) in the immediate aftermath, and it would still come up in conversation now with me almost certainly wishing I'd been part of it and shared the memories.

If the play was that vital they should have sorted their dates out earlier.

halcyondays · 19/04/2012 09:48

The school should have arranged things so that they didn't clash. Why does the play have to be that particular weekend?

susan123 · 19/04/2012 09:49

Let her decide what she wants to do, she is old enough. Its pretty bad organisation on the schools part not to have set the date of the play well in advance and for it to clash.

halcyondays · 19/04/2012 09:49

I wouldn't try to persuade her to choose the play over the trip, it's not her fault the school should have sorted the dates out well ahead of time.

ChasedByBees · 19/04/2012 09:49

I'd tell the drama department they should plan better. She should go on her trip, definitely.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 19/04/2012 09:49

She's 15 so it's should be her choice. I think the only thing you can do is make sure she knows that you will support the descison she makes either way, but especially if she still goes on the trip. I woudo have thought she is likely to come under some pressure at school to be in the play, and you need to counteract that.

It's not for the greater good of the school that this play takes place when they want it to, it's likely to be for convenience more than anything else. I wonder if they will suddenly manage to change the date to another in the summer term if your dd does go on the trip.

faintpinkline · 19/04/2012 09:50

The school should sort this out. Go back to them and tell them they Ned to reorganize date of play as they had plenty of notice of date of trip. I would be let. Dd choose what she wants to do its the schools fault entirely.

HeathRobinson · 19/04/2012 09:52

It's only April. Why can't the drama dept reschedule? Confused

YANBU. School trips are some of dd's favourite memories of school and I would be supporting her in going on the trip.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 19/04/2012 09:52

She should go on the trip if that is what she wants to do.

At my secondary school the drama department was notorious for expecting pupils to drop commitments elsewhere in the school and put it first, it created a lot of bad feeling among parents who had very stressed teenagers from all the pressure being put on them.

NicholasTeakozy · 19/04/2012 09:52

I get the feeling she'd prefer to go on the trip. Personally, I'd tell the school that no, I most certainly will not try to persuade her to miss the trip she's been so looking forward to.

Hullygully · 19/04/2012 09:56

Drama depts are all drama queens Tell em soz but no.

startail · 19/04/2012 10:01

Drama have put their foot in it, their problem.

Trip dates were arranged first and she'd be letting other people down on long arranged plans if she didn't go on the trip.

Anyway whether she's 10 or 15 it's her call.

Sarcalogos · 19/04/2012 10:03

I'm usually on the side of the drama departments in these cases... BUT if they are only just getting round to fixing the production dates for the summer term NOW then they are being very unreasonable.

The drama dept should be planning dates for next years plays now...

I would reply that their bad planning does not constitute an emergency for your daughter and she will be honouring the commitment she made first.

FluffyJawsOfDoom · 19/04/2012 10:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FluffyJawsOfDoom · 19/04/2012 10:32

Sorry wrong thread!!

Noqontrol · 19/04/2012 11:16

No I think your dd should go on the trip if that's what she wants. It's a bit unreasonable of the department to do this and your dd will only feel resentment if she misses out.

SuchProspects · 19/04/2012 11:29

If I were your daughter I'd be inclined to ditch the trip and do the play, because not doing it will impact all the other students involved in the production (unless perhaps, there is an understudy?), and then have nothing to do with the drama department again. But that's now, decades on from 15. Back then I'm not sure. She certainly isn't obliged to suck it up for them. It's their mistake.

YANBU to refuse to take the school's side. At 15 I certainly think it's your daughter's decision and I would tell the school that. But I'd probably discuss it with her so she gets some support in working through difficult decisions. It's probably a good experience for her.

LittleJennyRobyn · 19/04/2012 12:38

If It were me then i would let current plans stand as they are. Trip takes priority over the drama production.

As your DD has already stated that she would never have taken the part had she have known it was to coincide with the trip, then that has given you your answer.

Drama Dept have had plenty of time to arrange the date.

Clytaemnestra · 19/04/2012 12:56

I'd say the trip takes presidence. The only caveat to her going on the trip is if she has any form of aspirations in the drama arena or is planning to do drama A level, in which case she needs to think about what the long term benefits are of being in the play.

Original poster
Trix2323 · 19/04/2012 14:13

Thanks for all the supportive and sensible messages. I shall, of course, support DD in her wishes - that was my original intention in posting, but I just wanted to know whether others thought it was reasonable to NOT give in to pressure.

OP posts:
Original poster
Trix2323 · 19/04/2012 14:42

So I called the head of drama to explain that I had underestimated how much DD wanted to go on the trip, and that she would not like to cancel.

His response was to ask whether it would be OK for either him or the head of the school to try to ?gently persuade? her not to go on the trip. The school really wants to have a play this academic year.

I think that it is not very fair of them to put so much pressure on DD and I told him that.

I then suggested that it would be fine if they would like to find someone else to take the role assigned to DD (there is no understudy as such). DD would even offer to help the replacement to learn the part.

He said that they had already done a lot of work with DD and that it would be difficult to replace her at this stage.

It seems to me that there is no good outcome for her ? either she misses the trip, loosing the shared time with her friends in orde to performs the role that ? on any other weekend ? she would be happy to do; or she goes on the trip and the drama department and head of school resent her for not allowing the play to take place when they wish.

OP posts:
solidgoldbrass · 19/04/2012 14:46

The school drama department are being unreasonable, selfish and spiteful. I would suggest telling them that if they don't back off and stop acting like whiny teenagers themselves, you will make them look like the knobs they are in the local or even the national papers. How dare they ask your permission to bully your daughter into missing out on her school trip simply because they screwed up their dates?

NatashaBee · 19/04/2012 14:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lovetats · 19/04/2012 14:50

I think it's unfair that this pressure is being put on your daughter. It is most definitely up to the drama dept and the dept that is organising the trip to sort out themselves, although I'd imagine that the senior management team member who is in charge of the calendar would say that the trip takes priority.

Bloody teachers! I used to be one and it makes me so cross when they don't behave like grown ups!

hattifattner · 19/04/2012 14:54

They want the head to gently persuade your DD - ????? Absolutely NOT. Im rather furious on your behalf. Your por DD is not going to be allowed to say no, is she? Id be writing a stern letter to the head of drama and to the head teacher and the char of governors saying you will not accept staff bullying a child in this manner. Because thats what it sounds like to me.