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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To keep my daughter off school for a day?

69 replies

squashedbanana · 18/04/2012 16:45

DDs school have planned a 'Bring a Dad' day where they can bring in their fathers or if unable to another male relative. I am a lone parent, DD hasn't seen or heard from her father for 7 years, as if she didn't feel different to other children already this is just going to highlight it. There isn't any male who she would be able to take in, so she won't have anyone, my initial kneejerk reaction is to keep her off school that day so she doesn't feel lonely or different

AIBU?

OP posts:

LindyHemming · 18/04/2012 16:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

liveinazoo · 18/04/2012 16:49

i wouldnt want the school breathing down my neck on the attendance front

it depends how sensitive she is to the idea

there will probably be a lot kids whose dads cant come coz work commitments

Mutt · 18/04/2012 16:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AutumnSummers · 18/04/2012 16:50

Sorry but keeping her off is only going to make it seem like your daughter has something to worry about by not having a Dad around. Do you think that she'll be the only one there who's not from a two-parent or conventional family? Keeping her off will make her feel taht se something to be ashamed about.

I do think YABU but I know that it comes from a desire to protect.

cornsyilk · 18/04/2012 16:51

I think it's a terrible idea. Why not 'bring a parent' day?

AutumnSummers · 18/04/2012 16:51

*make her feel that she has

Pandemoniaa · 18/04/2012 16:52

YABU. Apart from the fact that you cannot be the only lone parent in your child's school, not every child will be able bring their father to school anyway so your dd is hardly likely to be the only "Dadless" child on the day.

My children's father was a teacher and certainly couldn't have taken a day off from his own school to attend this sort of thing and my dcs did not feel either lonely or different. Neither did their friends it has to be said.

susiedaisy · 18/04/2012 16:52

Yabu the school will have prepared for this and will have other activites lined up for the kids without dads, which will probably be quite alot of the school as most dads are at work!! Mine never had their dad go in and they survived without emotional trauma!

bigjoeent · 18/04/2012 16:53

Have you asked the school what will happen for children who don't have anyone to bring in? I'm sure they will have thought of something

keepingupwiththejoneses · 18/04/2012 16:54

I agree with all of the above. I am sure she won't be the only one. Why don't you go as in this situation you are both mum and dad. A friend of mine is gay and they have a little boy, she went in to the 'dads' day as in reality he has 2 mums but she wanted him to be have someone there, and she is the one who plays football with him

thebody · 18/04/2012 16:54

I think it's a silly idea from school, how many dads could attend?? My dh works away and wouldn't.

Take her to school and hold head up high but do raise concerns with head teacher.

are all these dads crb checked?? Ha ha

Debsbear · 18/04/2012 16:54

I don't think YABU to want to spare your child any embarrassment but don't think this is the solution. If you are concerned why not have a chat with her teacher to see how this is being approached. As other posters have said, she's not going to be the only one who doesn't have a father at the event. (I suppose you could always go in fancy dress - not serious suggestion btw!)

Clawdy · 18/04/2012 16:54

And how can you explain to your dd why you are keeping her at home? There will be always a few children who can't comply with the special days,just as not every child will have a grandparent on the special day for grandparents.I'm sure no child will be made to feel left out.

Slartybartfast · 18/04/2012 16:55

as she a grandfather?
i take it as a no.
schools are usually so PC they dont do father's day cards, but do mother's day cards.
so this is a bit surprising.

KazzaRazza · 18/04/2012 16:57

I would ask the school what is actually planned and what happens if a child cannot bring a male relative in.

I would assume there would be a fair few number of children that can't bring a male relative in because of work commitments etc.

Would not keep her off school.

SnapesOnAPlane · 18/04/2012 16:59

Hmm. Well if she's older than 7, she's certainly going to know, or have an inkling about why you've kept her off school. If she doesn't enjoy school, she'll probably be happy about the day off.
I wouldn't care about the attendance front if I thought it'd distress DD, but I wouldn't want to teach her that you can avoid all the uncomfortable experiences in life. Sometimes, you have to do things regardless of what'd make you happy.
Do what you think is best. We all have different kids and schools, make your choice and come what may.

Pandemoniaa · 18/04/2012 16:59

If you did keep her at home on the day it is more likely to reinforce a feeling of loneliness and being different. How would you explain her unauthorised absence?

piprabbit · 18/04/2012 17:01

Won't keeping her off make her feel even more isolated and 'different'?

Original poster

squashedbanana · 18/04/2012 17:01

Thanks. All comments taken on board and I will send her in. I think it's a stupid idea and as a previous poster said, I considered keeping her off only through a desire to protect.

The school have said if a father isn't able to come in then children can take in another male relative, but I am not going to ask anyone to take a day off for her. I am sure there will be lots of children in the same position, no father or no father/other male relative who is able to take the day off work

Thanks everyone

(or I could just forego that weeks upper lip waxing and go as dad but I fear my 36FFs may let me down)

OP posts:

undercoverPrincess · 18/04/2012 17:03

There is no way my OH would be able to take a day off of work for this and a lot of others will be in the same boat.

Debsbear · 18/04/2012 17:06

Not sure your 36FF's would let you down, you should see some of the moobs round here

verytellytubby · 18/04/2012 17:08

My SIL was in the same situation so I went instead. Bring an aunt! To be honest there were loads of kids with no-one there and various grandparents. Very few dads.

Pooka · 18/04/2012 17:10

At our school they have bring a dad/granddad/male carer day, but they are limited by space so prob only 5 or 6 names per class of 30 are pulled out of a hat (if it's oversubscribed, which to be honest, it rarely is). Also have bring a mum/granny/female carer day. I've been once in 3 years, but haven't been able to make others. Dh went to one, but not others.

If your one ends up like this, then I'd be anti keeping your dd off because she really wouldn't be in the minority.

virgil · 18/04/2012 17:11

Our school does this. Out of the 20ish children in the class usually only about five dads turn up. DH has never been since he's always at work. Your child definitely won't be the only one there without a male relative turning up.

Bratella · 18/04/2012 17:16

Can any primary teachers on MN explain the thinking behind this? Is it to get more male involvement in kids lives and does it work, other than on that day? DH would never be able (try) to take time off and as mentioned in another post as a teacher I wouldn't be allowed to do so. My DC's grandads are too old/live too far away and it causes no end of grief and guilt on our part.

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