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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To talk to the teacher re smut?

61 replies

Almacks · 16/04/2012 21:13

I know there is always a certain amount of sniggery sex talk amongst top end primary kids, but I think my daughter is feeling uncomfortable/disturbed by the amount she's hearing. She knows about "normal" sex stuff, but there's a lad in her group who keeps bringing it up. I've heard about hand gestures to refer to two other class members "doing it", "private time" on the school field between him and another boy where they pretended to shag each other (in the missionary position tho' not sure how that'd work...) and did sex talk, watched by loads of kids, and, today, kept on in the classroom about wanting a teabag. This was a new one on me, btw, but DD could tell from context it was smutty, turns out it is.

Anyway, I'm thinking this is all a bit too frequent (all within last two weeks of term, then today), and maybe it's time to have a chat to the teacher. I do also know all the parents of the children involved, but DD is scared of getting into trouble with the kids if I say anything to anybody.

OP posts:

winnybella · 16/04/2012 21:15

How old is she?

Original poster

Almacks · 16/04/2012 21:16

Ten

OP posts:

laughlovelife · 16/04/2012 21:18

A 10 year old boy, wants a balls in his mouth

PurpleRomanesco · 16/04/2012 21:19

Ten?!

Are you serious? Yes speak to the teacher.

IvanaNap · 16/04/2012 21:20

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn as this poster has privacy concerns.

RevoltingPeasant · 16/04/2012 21:20

tbh there was one boy who did this in our class when we were ten, taught us all the filthy words he could - we thought he was hilarious.

I imagine it's just a stage he's going through, probably trying to be popular/ impress the girls. I really wouldn't give it a second thought.

What do you think this might do to your DD? I don't mean that narkily, just honestly - it's other kids talking on the playground- they are not bullying her or embarrassing her directly. I think you need to let it be.

picnicbasketcase · 16/04/2012 21:20

I assume they've only fairly recently found out any of this information and find it endlessly fascinating and hilarious? The teabag thing is a worry - I would be wondering where they'd heard that from. It could be something as 'innocent' as sneakily watching a comedy show that's too old for them, but then again they could have access at home to unsupervised internet etc. The point is, if this is making your daughter feel worried, upset or uncomfortable it needs to be addressed.

StanleyLambchop · 16/04/2012 21:20

A Teabag? Sorry, don't understand. Am slightly worried about what might come up if I google it. However, YANBU- It is making her uncomfortable so I would have a word.

wondering about PG Tips now.

Bambino81 · 16/04/2012 21:22

Yes say something. Good luck with that convo tho :o

There's always 1 or 2 kids per class that act up like that. That's very extreme tho, my daughter is 9 and she's incredibly Naive about anything sex related.

ApocalypseThen · 16/04/2012 21:23

There's a level of normal curiosity in this age group, but these children sound like they're being exposed to wildly inappropriate ideas.

Don't hesitate to speak to the teacher. This extreme level of precociousness in sexual matters can be a sign that a child is being abused.

Great that you have the kind of relationship with your daughter that she's happy to tell you this stuff, by the way.

Original poster

Almacks · 16/04/2012 21:23

lovelifelaugh, yes, I've also been wondering that. No older siblings...although maybe he's heard it from cousins or something.

OP posts:

Lovetats · 16/04/2012 21:24

I would have been straight up the school the first time my child has said something tbh.

My youngest is a 10 year old girl and I'd be horrified if she was being made to feel uncomfortable like this. As an ex-teacher, I'd also be wanting to investigate the background of a boy who was displaying such behaviour. Very worrying IMO.

MyCatHasStaff · 16/04/2012 21:24

I suspect the teabag reference (and quite a few of the others) are from playing 18 rated games. I would mention it to the teacher, if it is a child protection issue they will be aware of any other issues and it helps the school to have a full picture of the situation, including what is being said out of the adults earshot.

Lovetats · 16/04/2012 21:24

*had. Doh!

RevoltingPeasant · 16/04/2012 21:26

Stanley my parents had a book called 'what's happening to my body?' or similar that we got when we were about 9ish for Christmas. It was very hippyish in being really open about sex with children. It contained a glossary in the back of common slang terms for sexual acts. So I knew loads of stuff - didn't mean I was reading porn over my dad's shoulder or anything.

I know I will get screamed at for this, but I think people massively freak out over childhood sexuality in this country in a way that's just not helpful for the children themselves.

Original poster

Almacks · 16/04/2012 21:27

Thanks, it sounds like quite a few people are having the same gut reaction as me. Will talk to the teacher, although, as you say Bambino81, it's going to be a bit embarrassing

OP posts:

PurpleRomanesco · 16/04/2012 21:29

That's fine for you Revolting but the fact is OPs daughter is uncomfortable with this and shouldn't have to put up with it.

chosenone · 16/04/2012 21:30

I have to say that I was surprised (secondary) teacher at how many kids are talking about tea bagging in year7. Somehow its become quite an 'in' thing to joke about, I've even seen some year 7's pretend to 'teabag' each other and the others all laugh about it. God knows where they've got it from, they know its inappropriate but tbh the amount of year 7's copying keith lemons 'smash ur back doors in' is worrying too. So yes have a word.

winnybella · 16/04/2012 21:34

Hmm. I remember clearly few boys in class showing off like that at this age. Tbh 10 is on a cusp of puberty/kids are fascinated by sex even if they have very incomplete understanding of it...I think I was masturbating at 10.

Dunno. It doesn't seem like a big deal to me. A 10 yo talking about it is not the same as a 5yo doing it imo (re:possible sexual abuse).

laughlovelife · 16/04/2012 21:35

Im still shocked, no primary school child should be wanted male testicles in their mouth at any age, even if they are saying it for a "laff"

However Im not as shocked as when my 5 year old shouted from his bedroom he was "carpet munching" well he was eating monster munch from his carpet floor.

BertieBotts · 16/04/2012 21:35

I used to go to a music theatre group, and when I was 16 one of the other 15/16 year olds there was a boy who had recently come out, I don't know if it was insecurity or just his (flamboyant) personality, but he would often come out with shocking and/or disgusting things in order to shock everyone, and there may have been some of the younger kids hanging around on the sidelines when he was explaining to us in great glee what various words meant. I'm talking 12 or 13 year olds, but still, not outside the realms of possibility that they could in turn pass this on to a younger sibling.

I am only mentioning this, because "teabagging" was one of the words. It's not a term I've ever come across in any other context - erotic literature ("She gently teabagged him" is not exactly stimulating, much, is it? ) or during actual sex with anyone. It seems a uniquely teenage thing to find out "words" for specific things and then freak out over how disgusting XYZ act is.

I also vividly remember going through a phase at 10/11 where the word "it" was absolutely hilarious, because if you pretended "it" meant sex, then all sorts of adults were unintentionally talking about sex all the time, and LOL, OMG, SEX!! etc.

However if it's making her feel uncomfortable it probably is worth mentioning to the teacher.

BertieBotts · 16/04/2012 21:38

I also remember something which did make me feel uncomfortable at 10/11, which was that a group of girls would go around school asking if you were a virgin, or not. Nobody seemed very sure (including them) about which way around it was, so whatever you answered, they would shriek in disgust and announce loudly "Errrrr! Bertie's had sex, she's a virgin!"

Bewilderedmum · 16/04/2012 21:40

Just had to ask my 14 yr old son what tea-bagging is we get on very well btw, and talk about stuff like this - but so far, it's been me doing the informing and educating.

He was ever so slightly unnerved and squeamish about enlightening his mother on such matters, but he told me, and said that this might have come from online gaming, not necessarily 18's, where the crouch button comes into play a lot, and it is common knowledge......

I hope you get it sorted OP...

But tonight - was a watershed - it's been the first time I had to clarify with my 14 yr old, a colloquialism for a sex act!

Bue · 16/04/2012 21:41

Oh, we had a boy like this in my class when I was 8 or 9. We loved it! We could be shocked and "learn" things at the same time. In fact just thinking about some of the things he used to say is starting to crack me up.

However, it was all pretty tame compared to teabagging! I am relaxed about this stuff but that is perhaps a step too far.

NoOnesGoingToEatYourEyes · 16/04/2012 21:41

I would suggest speaking to the teacher too.

This kind of talk amongst children that young does bother me. When I was about seven there was an older boy at our school, probably about ten years old too.

He used to make me and several other girls feel really uncomfortable by asking us to be his girlfriend so we could have sex. I didn't even really know what sex was but I knew this boy asking me for it made me feel scared and embarrassed. He was constantly talking about sex and trying to touch people or catch them changing in the cloakroom or going to the toilet and I even refused to go to the children's christmas party at the company my Grandmother worked in because he was also going to be there and I was scared to be 'alone' with him (alone in that we each would be the only other person we both knew at the party and so knew he would make a beeline for me and start saying things to me or trying to touch me.)

It may have just been that we were younger than him and although he was ready to start exploring sex talk we were still too young. But he only ever seemed to talk this way to younger children and when he was 19 he was arrested for sexual abuse of a child, so it could have been instinct that even then something wasn't right about his behaviour.

If your daughter really is feeling upset and worried about this talk then please teach her to trust her instincts rather than dismiss them. But also talk to her about sex at a level she is comfortable with so she realises it's not wrong or dirty to be curious about sex when you feel ready but also not wrong to feel as she does about not being ready when the rest of her friends are (or at least appear to be).

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