AIBU to want my PIL to not make this about them?

[BellaOfTheBalls]

We get married next month. It has been booked for just under a year, everyone knew about it & were given plenty of advanced warning as its quite far from where some people live. STBPIL are making us bend over backwards to accommodate them. Having assured us they had booked accommodation we find out that actually they haven't and are expecting a room at the venue. We rearrange everything, ask people to find accommodation elsewhere. Then PIL decide that they cannot possibly ask DP's aunt who is travelling from Scotland to find and pay for her own accommodation. We quietly remind them that I have family coming from Europe who are doing just that but still have to ring/email several B&B's because apparently they "can't".

Then MIL is worried about stairs etc as she is registered disabled and struggles to walk long distances or up stairs. We offer our house about 30 mins away & that we will stay at venue instead. She's happy with this.

I get another phone call this morning that included every bit of emotional blackmail. She's not happy at all, wants to stay at the venue and if she can't they won't bother coming down until the night before the wedding. She comes up with various completely invalid excuses as to why this is the case, then claims I don't understand how frail she is now (she has been struggling with loss of appetite & unexplained weight loss meaning she has lost almost 6 stone in a year), how old she looks and we will be very shocked when we see her, despite the fact we saw her a month ago & on Skype every weekend. So she's now back staying at the venue because neither me nor DP could be bothered to argue with her yet again.

If my bitterly divorced & remarried parents can put everything aside for one day & not make this about themselves AIBU to expect other people to do the same?

I'd be really annoyed too!

It's not about them, they are now staying at the venue - like they want to (for now!) - that's that.

If they cause any further issues re accomodation I'd get your DHtobe to have a stern word.

Glad you have parents that are behaving like adults!

And good luck! :)

(you really won't give a shit about them being childish on your big day!)

I find weddings bring out the worst in some people! I go married nearly a year ago and have hardly spoken to someone who, up until my wedding, had been a very close friend. I won't go into details but she was a major part of the day and was a nightmare with her demands, expectations, and bitching!

And my PIL, who insisted that they would look after my eldest DC all day, basically left him with anyone who stood still long enough. At one point I asked where he was, and with whom, and they didn't have a clue. They also changed their minds regarding accommodation a week before the day, and expected my DH to sort out a room for them at the venue. They forgot to pass on information from family members that meant that I had to change the seating plan twice, once 3 days before the wedding.

No, YANBU.

YANBU and you're a better person than me. I'd have cancelled the wedding and eloped by now. I don't have the patience for people messing around.

God, I got annoyed a fully physically able guest asking how I was going to 'get them home' from our wedding?! This would drive me bonkers. Id do a final 'This is the plan we have in place' conversation and then leave your dh to sort out any lastinute changes
And I would not be bumping guests out of booked accomodation for them if they couldmnt pull their finger out in suitable time

Why isn't your dp handling this?

YANBU- get ur dp to deal with them

Ha my mil invited extra people and 'squeezed' them in. She also substituted some family members for others. AND whe wrote her family part of the guest list herself and still changed it without telling us!

Although on the day, I didn't actually realise until she told me herself after the meal (although the stories from friends of ours about how they didnt get their pregnancy friendly meal, or dairy free option as they had been 'taken by another guest' still make me blush! -My poor friends) DH and I were blissfully unaware and unaffected! Our amazing venue didn't even charge us extra when i thought they would.

I don't understand why you don't want them at the venue?

it sounds very attention seeking to me, perhaps feeling left out i dont know?

she wants to be difficult, one min fine, next not.

DP should be dealing with this - saying you are getting upset and stressed and want to have a lovley day - want them to be happy too, very difficult juggling lots of needs.....

can they be clear about where they want to stay thats best for them, you are the couple and yet you are working them trying to please them., if they could just clarify what they want, as you obvioulsy have alot of other issues to deal with .

AwkwardMary as I read it the OP the PIL said they had somewhere booked.
Turns out they hadn't
The OP then hadto book her PIL into the venue
MIL then didn't want it so OP offered her home
Now PIL have changed their minds again

I'd be screaming around this point

I hope my kids elope

Yes ratspeaker is right, its not that we dont want them there its that they keep changing their minds! At the risk of outing myself it's not a standard wedding venue, it's accommodation with a marquee for the actual do.

I had to handle it as MIL rang me, at home when she knew DP would be at work. She is unbelievably manipulative (but in this weird way that makes her seem all hard done by and unassuming) & I am not confident enough to stand up to her. She knows this and plays us off against each other.

TELL HER YOU ARE MORN THEN HAPPY FOR HER NOT TO COME TILL THE NIGHT BEFORE OR NOT AT ALL IF SHE IS GOING TO BE SUCH A COW

OOOPs caps lock on

A friend told her future in-laws that they had found the venue for their wedding and would be booking it the next day. When they went to book it they discovered that the inlaws had booked the honeymoon suite for themselves. The happy couple then had all the fun of explaining that they would quite like the room themselves

Time to grow some balls and nip this in the bud NOW or it will just get worse. And your hub to be needs to be far more proactive in sorting her awful behaviour out.

I will be getting married abroad and not telling anyone, precisely because of this sort of thing.

YANBU at all. Don't change anything now you've got a million other things to do I'm sure!

You need to disengage a bit - tell them that you cannot, at this late stage, change anything. Inform your venue that no one other than yourself has any authority to alter existing arrangements.

Agree that your dh to be, needs to tell his parents to wind their necks in. You need to stand up for yourself, otherwise they will walk all over you and you will be back here writing threads about them for years!

Unbelievably manipulative eh?

Time to get cunning - it will save you a lot of years of hassle.

'What's that? You don't want to come down until the night of the wedding? That's fine, we don't mind at all.'

'Oh that's not what you said? Sorry I must have misheard! So you are happy at our house then? No? Oh that's such a shame. Perhaps it would be better if you did come the night before.'

And the uber-passive-manipulative, to anything she says: 'Reeeaally? Oooh that's such a shame. Aaah.'

Don't engage, be sympathetic, slightly disengaged, unable to be roused from your slightly docile torpor. Never offer to sort it out. Never offer alternatives. Let that silence hang in the air when she stops the 'unassuming' litany of demands. Short pause, and 'Aaah that's such a shame. Never mind. You do what you want to do.'

Wow what a pain in the arse!

The unexplained weight loss sounds very worrying though! Has she seen a Dr?

doctordwt I think your suggested tactic of being "unable to be roused from [one's] slightly docile torpor" is absolutely brilliant, and can probably be applied to a whole host of thorny interpersonal difficulties

Oh and YANBU, OP, although I wonder to what extent your MIL's illness is a mitigating factor in her unreasonableness. I can imagine a normally OK person getting into some funny strops through that kind of worry and distress. But it's a rotten thing for you to have to deal with in the run-up to your wedding. I hope it all goes splendidly and that you and the groom have a fantastic time of it, familial accommodation grumbles notwithstanding.

poopoo yes, repeatedly. She's had every test in the book. She appears to be quietly delighted at baffling every doctor she comes across. Last test showed "something" in her stomach which apparently, according to the consultant "either is malignant or it's not". Her ill-health (this is the last in an impossible list of maladies & ailments) creates drama and indulges the attention seeking so she wont always be banging down the doctors door for answers.

You need to get assertive NOW. This will only get worse, think what she'll be like when you have children.

Nip this in the bud now when you can still salvage a relationship. If you've only got one thing from MN, it should be that a mil like this can destroy a marriage. I know you may think now, don't be ridiculous, we love each other and wouldn't allow that to happen, I'm sure everyone else thought the same!

I'm no mil basher, I despair at some of the petty things on here some women complain about and I love my mil, but seriously you need to stop this now.