AIBU to want my PIL to not make this about them?

[BellaOfTheBalls]

We get married next month. It has been booked for just under a year, everyone knew about it & were given plenty of advanced warning as its quite far from where some people live. STBPIL are making us bend over backwards to accommodate them. Having assured us they had booked accommodation we find out that actually they haven't and are expecting a room at the venue. We rearrange everything, ask people to find accommodation elsewhere. Then PIL decide that they cannot possibly ask DP's aunt who is travelling from Scotland to find and pay for her own accommodation. We quietly remind them that I have family coming from Europe who are doing just that but still have to ring/email several B&B's because apparently they "can't".

Then MIL is worried about stairs etc as she is registered disabled and struggles to walk long distances or up stairs. We offer our house about 30 mins away & that we will stay at venue instead. She's happy with this.

I get another phone call this morning that included every bit of emotional blackmail. She's not happy at all, wants to stay at the venue and if she can't they won't bother coming down until the night before the wedding. She comes up with various completely invalid excuses as to why this is the case, then claims I don't understand how frail she is now (she has been struggling with loss of appetite & unexplained weight loss meaning she has lost almost 6 stone in a year), how old she looks and we will be very shocked when we see her, despite the fact we saw her a month ago & on Skype every weekend. So she's now back staying at the venue because neither me nor DP could be bothered to argue with her yet again.

If my bitterly divorced & remarried parents can put everything aside for one day & not make this about themselves AIBU to expect other people to do the same?

"No shit Sherlock?"

If you're going to be snarky then I'm afraid people will pick you up on it. Tough.

Nothing to do with reading minds either. It's all about you making assumptions about other people and how sympathetic they are about cancer.

No winky, its about me reading what you wrote.

[yawn]

Why would I "drip with sympathy" for someone who hasn't been diagnosed with cancer and who is making life very difficult for someone?

Weird pov.

Ooh I don't know . . .

Because she's lost 6 stone of weight in a year and doesn't know why? A symptom clearly indicative of illness.

Because the Dr has found a mass in her stomach that he's said may well be malignant? . . .

Or you could withhold sympathy due to her being a pain in the arse recently. Because annoying people deserve to die horribly don't they. What a lovely person you sound.

Your post says all there is to know about you. Id rather you didn't converse with me further, as i don't like what i have learnt about you.

What are you on about? You're clearly not all there.

All I said was she should go to the doctor. You responded with sarcastic and lame comments.

If you are going to do that kind of thing, then you cannot expect to be pulled up on it.

Belt up.

[yawn]

You should have some sympathy for your mil if she has cancer as that is much more important than any wedding even your own.
Cancers is a horrid disease that i would not wish on anyone including my own toxic mil-ive seen two close family die of it and it is excruciatingly painful.
I would personally put wedding plans on the backburner for now as her health is much more important!

I don't think anyone is saying the mil - or anyone - deserves to die of cancer regardless if how annoying they are. Or if they have I've missed it. Please show me where that was written.

Is the op not just frustrated with the chopping and changing of plans? The op is trying to be accommodating and kind but it's wearing her down.

YANBU...weddings, babies and sometimes funerals bring out the best and worst in people!

My inlaws have taught me one valuable lesson...about the kind of person and inlaw I don't want to be!

Crohns disease can cause great weight loss as the sufferers cannot digest their food. It's a possibility. As do anorexia, bulimia, and purging with laxatives.

The thing is, does the OP know that tests have definitely been carried out on MIL to be and verified by a family member who attended appointments with her, I hate to suggest it but could she be making it up for attention because the wedding is eclipsing all the fuss she thinks people should be making of her? Or if she has had tests, is exaggerating how bad the results are likely to be? It just sounds odd that someone who might have a tumour seems to be making such a public display of it, when typically people try to keep such things private for as long as possible, make light of their symptoms and pain etc. It can be easy to suggest you might have cancer, and not admit that this was tested for along with a battery of other tests as a process of ruling out possible other conditions.

I think continuing with the wedding as planned would be a good thing, in case MIL's health deteriorates rapidly and she never gets to see you married. I would make sympathetic murmurs and not get involved with any more changes of arrangements unless the situation changes. I do think a family discussion about any results should not be left until the wedding itself. If it is cancer it isn't something for MIL to use to get her own way/attention. Sadly, she's cried wolf so often you are suffering compassion fatigue, which is a problem of MIL's own making so I don't blame you for feeling annoyed with her.

Oh my goodness! I didn't mean to start a row! I tried very hard not to drip feed and had hoped that my posts were clear enough that people wouldn't get the wrong end of the stick.

First of all, she absolutely definitely has been to appointments, she is not making up her illness nor does she definitely have cancer. The consultant thinks he saw something & she has undergone another test to confirm this - some sort of barium contrast type thing AFAIK. We are awaiting results of that now. Apologies if this was not clear.

We are WELL aware that all the signs point one way and that way is not good. I get frustrated because if it was me I would be pursuing every doctor trying to get answers, but she had been trying to lose weight for a very long time and I think for a while was secretly quite pleased. Part of me thinks this might have been why she was initially quite relaxed about seeking help.

We are the sort of family that cross bridges as & when we come to them, not immediately jumping to worst case scenario and dropping everything. While MIL is prone to being a drama queen would be utterly mortified if we put all our plans on hold because of her. TBH if the worst was to be confirmed I suspect she would want to enjoy our day regardless as I know she is really looking forward to it.

I was extremely angry when I posted originally, I should have known better to post when enraged! I have now calmed down. DP has spoken to her very firmly about everything & plans are sorted. She's happy & while it might not be quite what I wanted as long as everyone else is happy it's all good with me.

Thank you everyone for your replies.

Bella. My mum was pleased that she was losing weight as well as she had no idea she was ill. I think a lot of overweight people would be. Having seen what i have though, id be more inclined to be worried if it were me.

I am glad you've reached calmer waters OP. Keep on keeping on.:)