To be sick and tired of stupid birthday guessing games / night out spoiled

[NightOut]

Rant warning - annoyed with mother but need to check how U I am. She is probably correct but AIBU to wish she hadn't spoiled my one night out by wanting to discuss it at midnight?

History is that my mum is very weird about birthdays - some years presents are ok, other years presents are the worst idea ever etc. Literally she would put them away in a cupboard and "never mention them again". We don't communicate well at the best of times so hard to know year on year. I was going to keep it low key this year, just make a card from the DCs.

Then I was bedridden on antibiotics for the week before and wasn't doing crafts, just trying to walk up the stairs without fainting. Got DS to phone up on the day and I have bought a card but a week after her birthday haven't given it yet, was still hoping to make one. This is where DH said to me "well you f*ed up there then".

Turns out this was a year I should have known psychically to give lots of presents and cards. We saw my parents 2nite when they came to babysit as we had to go to a family birthday meal (other family on DH's side). I am now well enough to go out so yes, should have sorted out her birthday stuff this morning but didn't - still shattered from being ill + catching up on all the things that get left like laundry. When we came home from the restaurant (had nice time, never usually have evenings out as have 2 preschoolers) said thanks for babysitting etc, all I wanted to do was go to bed. Then get a speech "before I go I think you should have done something for my birthday, bought a card from DCs at least".

I apologised but didn't say loads as didn't want to argue late at night. Knew whatever i said would be wrong. DH saw them to the door then said to me "what are we going to do now? I have had to deal with that and it's your fault, you just have to suck it up and sort it out? Do we get a special present to say sorry?" On and on before he went to bed annoyed I didn't have an instant answer. AIBU to be annoyed this was brought up for discussion at midnight and that this birthday has become yet another one where I did the wrong thing?

Suspect op is still in bed as she typed this at 01.45 this morning! so not too wiped out after illness

wise words don't write themselves Oh wise one Never

How about a name change Never knowingly Wise ? teehee.

did you buy a card for the person who's birthday you where going to ...while your mum babysat?

Honestly YABU if you are expecting her to enable you to celebrate some one elses birthday without even buy a card to acknowledge hers - sorry

OP, did you forget that you posted this?

YANBU imo.

I think it's a little pathetic when parents expect cards and presents from their children on their birthdays. Imo that's a date that their own parents, partners and friends should be making a fuss over, not their own progeny!
I mean it's nice when they do I guess but the date shouldn't carry the weight of such expectation!

It just seems a bit silly to me that anyone over the age of about 30 yrs makes a fuss over their birthday. I mean surely they've had enough of them by now!

Your mother is behaving like a disgruntled 5 year old. For the sake of peace and harmony apologise to her, promise to do better next year and move on!

I can see that your mother's past form as you describe it can be a bit of a nightmare, and may well have informed how you did(n't) celebrate her birthday this year, but even so, can you not put yourself in her shoes in this instance.

You say you don't communicate well, but obviously well enough to ask her to babysit til really quite late while you go out to celebrate somebody else's birthday. You also seem to be leaning quite heavily on the fact that you have been ill. You have my sympathy but you are obviously better now. As otehrs have said, it's a weird sort of recuperation that enables you to party on til midnight but not write a birthday card. And what you describe as a 'speech' from her actually just seems like a perfectly reasonable observation to me.

As I said, your mother may well be difficult and weird but on your own telling, you don't seem to have fallen very far from the tree and this one is definitely your (and your rather pathetic DH's) bad.

And btw I fully accept that I may be projecting here as this is just the kind of stunt that my own DD would pull....apparently parents' birthdays don't count after they reach 50 but woe betide you if you forget hers!!

You could do far worse than follow Neverknowingly's suggestion imho

I agree with other posters that you were cheeky in asking your mother to babysit while you went out for birthday dinner after forgetting to send her a card at least or giving her one when she came over.

If you are ill, you are ill, BUT, you clearly knew it was your Mum's birthday as you had bought a card. Why could you not write it and give it to her? It takes a few seconds, so you could still have done your laundry or whatever other housework your DH had not done whilst you were so ill. So the message to your mum was : I am well enough to go out to celebrate somebody else's birthday and to ask you to babysit for me whilst I do so, but I do not care enough about you to take 30 seconds to write you a birthday card to give you, albeit late.

Personally, not only would my mum have got a card, she would also have had at least a bunch of flowers and box of choccies as well.

YABU and also, very, very thoughtless.

Hi, thanks for the feedback everyone, I came looking for the wisdom and flaming of AIBU and have received it, justifiably in many cases. Needed a bit of perspective after being angry last night. (FWIW I was posting late last night because DD was awake and I was feeding her.)

Actions now taken:

• Apologised today to my mother. I said I knew it was a mistake to not give her anything and said sorry. Mentioned that I wasn't sure if she had wanted to celebrate her birthday (I had asked her the fortnight before if she had plans and she said no). She has now been clearer about the fact that she DOES want her birthday celebrated.

• Spoken to DH who admits he shouldn't have been so annoyed last night and he was also tired. He knows my mother is unusual about birthdays and I have to navigate them each year. He wishes he had helped the DCs make a card and it will be a joint effort next year.

I am also going to try the idea of one poster to give a present based on a photo of the DCs, I think she would like that.

Do you know why your mum is odd about birthdays OP? I know a couple of people who are very awkward when it comes to birthdays and in both cases there's a deep seated reason for it in their childhood, and they struggle to handle the whole day, and whatever anyone does is the wrong thing.

Maybe that's something you could talk to your mum about.

For what its worth, I wouldn't try to second guess what your mum wants each year, I would decide what you want to do (i.e. get a present and a card), and do it, then if it is the wrong thing, well at least you have tried your best.

Can I suggest, you are obviously not the most organised about birthdays, so can you buy a selection of cards (that aren't 'to mum/granny' etc so can go to anyone) and then if you get ill the week of a birthday or realise you've got someone coming over who you've forgotten to get a card for then you can at least get one from your stash, I bet while it wouldn't be perfect, a generic card and a bottle of wine in a wine bag (buy these too!) would at least have looked like you cared but had just been too ill to get it to her, and I assume your DH would feel less embarrassed about it.

There's a lot to be said for getting flowers delivered to people who are difficult to buy for. M&S will also deliver chocolate with them.

Sounds much more positive OP - good for you - glad it has been sorted and feelings all round are improved. :)